Our Shared Shelf discussion
Nov/Dec Mom & Me & Mom (2016)
>
How is your relationship with your mother?
message 51:
by
Jessica
(new)
Nov 27, 2016 11:40AM
My mother gave birth to me straight after high school, i was the reason my parents got married, and have been together for 23 years! We lived in apartment's with drug dealers, prositutes as our neighbors, we ate only tuna and rice because we were poor. Because of this my mother was tough, tough love and all. I hated it, never hated her, just wished she be more kind like other moms, but i didnt realize ealier my mother was tough because she didnt want me to live the life she brought me into, poor, stressed, and worried. I still dont agree with my mother on lots of things, but because of her, i became the woman who got to watch her father and mother graduate college, get their jobs as a teacher, buy our first house, and able to buy foods other than tuna and rice. This woulnt have happened if it wasnt for my mothers tough love, determination, and strong will, and because of that i will always stand proudly next to her. I love my mother.
reply
|
flag
This is a fascinating topic and group I'm thrilled to have found because the discussions and books on here are amazing. My mother and I were not close when I was younger because she was so smothering in one sense- pushing, pushing, pushing me into certain activities whether I was interested in them or not because they were the activities she participated in when she was young, and would not take "no" even when I begged and cried. Example: (which sounds silly now) she scored dances and I hated them with a passion. It didn't matter that I was popular in school or involved in many things & got good grades. She wanted me to do all the same things she had done. Ironically, she tried to do the same thing with my daughter and I put my foot down and walked her away, letting her choose her path. Mom also was the parent who didn't express her love with hugs or "I love you" then.
Thankfully, our path changed over time, especially after I became a mother and put more effort into seeing and understanding her life growing up with her parents and the effects that had on her. I also purposely involved her in a joint project with me, which changed everything- genealogy. Once we began to work on this together, and we both learned more about the generations before us, we had something to share.
Now, we are so much closer than I ever dreamed, but we wouldn't have been if I had not made the opening for both of us. She didn't know how.
I love her, she is my hero and the reason I love books (she wasn't allowed to go to school but she went to schools for seniors after I was in high school, I'm a uni graduate now ^-^)
It makes me so sad to read that some of your wonderful mothers weren't allowed/able to go to school.That makes me realize how fortunate and lucky I am. It makes me learn even harder, so to not "waste" time and money, because I'd feel guilty if I did knowing that so many were not as luck as I am now.
This book made me appreciate my mother more then I already do. My grandmother passed away a few years ago, and i saw what it did to my mother, she spoke that she didn't spend as much time as she wanted with her and how she regrets the moments she could have had with her. I appreciate every moment I have with my mom, and i thank Maya for making me aware of the treasure that has guided me throughout my life, I am completely grateful.
I have a very well, work in progress relationship, we have suprased now all the guilt trips and traps that misscomunication puts in our way, I belive everyday we do it a little more. It has beeing an interesting road to get there but, up to this day even in the darkest times I wouldn't change it a bit. Thank every day for who She is as She made me who I am.
A few months ago I heard this radio archive https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radi... in the act three comedian Sasheer Zamata speaks about his mother and their relationship. I like it maybe you will like it too.
My mom and I,we are friends, in a way we are equal, we tell each other almost Everything.She may not be the best mother around the world, but i couldn't ask for better, she is my mom, she taught me how to behave, how to do things, how to tell good from bad. She is my mom and I Love Her So Much.
I'm so touched by all your stories, thank you for sharing something so private. Whether you shared a bad or good relationship with your mother, it's important to note that all of you learnt something from them.
My relationship with my mom growing up was probably like majority of the mother daughter relationships out there...we didn't always see eye to eye and butted heads, I still loved her, but I don't think I showed her the respect she deserved all the time.Now, my mom is my best friend...when my dad is at work (he is a firefighter and works 48hr shifts) I stay with my mom or she stays with me and we have girls nights...go to dinner, watch movies, cook, or just sit and talk. I love that our relationship has blossomed and become what it is, I wouldn't change it for the world!
I just finished Mom & Me & Mom and I started tearing up at the end thinking of my own mother. She raised me and my sister as a single mom for most of our childhood and has taught me, by example, to be a more compassionate and empathetic person. I loved this book and I can't wait for the next!
While I have a considerably close bond with my mom, there is no denying we have both had our wrong-doings. A majority of our lives are shared together, via daily phone calls, weekly visits, but we always seem to keep certain boundaries as we struggle with some past and current issues. My mother never made me feel comfortable in sharing the intimate details of my life as Maya and Lady B had shared; nor were we ever emotionally bonded enough for our intuition of one another to be so strong. For that, I am envious.
Kate wrote: "I dont get along particularly well with my mother. She expects a lot of me and has some unresolved issues with the fact that I am a lesbian. But I would do anything for her, she is family and has s..."Homophobia is still a huge problem, it's very sad to hear that from you:(
My mum has always been supportive of me, she's been there through all the good and bad times, she thoroughly supports my career choice which is to be a medic in the army, and this year through revising and taking my exams has been kind and helpful as always. We are both very open to each other and I can tell my mum anything that's on my mind. We both share jokes and have a very relaxed relationship, she means the world to me.
Meelie wrote: "Hey Finn, good luck with the Combat Medic role! When do you plan on signing up? I used to be a Medic in the Royal Air Force (just heard a few minutes ago that our old Basic Training at Halton is cl..."Woah, Meelie! Hear, hear! You in the army?! Wouldn't have guessed that in a million years. Definitely feminist, tho:=)
Hi Meelie, I plan to go to Welbeck Military Sixth Form next year hopefully if I get the right GCSE's, then want to go to university and then to Sandhurst Officers academy - I will then choose to go into my home army Regiment which is the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers as the medic. It's been my life long dream as I could see no greater honour to help support those who fight for Great Britain. Also great to hear that you were a medic. Sorry this isn't completely relevant to the thread title.
Meelie wrote: "Royal Air Force, not Army ;)Yep, almost served 5 years (March 2004 - Feb 2009)"
Sorry for asking, but there's a difference? One more thing learned in life:)
My relationship with my mother is close and warm, and always have been, even through tough times. What I really liked in Angelou's novel was when she wrote that her mom was a terrible mom to small children but a great mom to a young adult. It had never struck me before that a mom can be more or less good during different stages in a child's life. I am filled with gratitude and admiration towards my own mother. I was very difficult as a teenager. But I think my mother did quite a good job as a mom anyway. She has a career that allows her to travel a lot, leaving home (and her children) for long periods of time. Which was not optimal for me when I was a teenager since I needed her at home. But she would always be available on the phone or on Skype, and she always came home whenever I asked her to. And somehow, she managed to combine a successful career with being a caring mother to a clinically depressed teenager. Today, our relationship is stronger than ever. It is very hard for me to talk with her about those years, but she tries to talk about it because she believes it is important (which it is!) and she shows with every part of her that she doesn't hold anything against me, that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that she is proud of the young adult I have become. Without my mothers support, I don't know if I'd have made it through my depressed years.She still travels a lot, and now I haven't seen her for 7 months, but we will see each other again at Christmas and I can't wait. I miss her and love her every day.
my mom gave birth to me when she was 43 years old. the difference of age is wide between us, so does our relation. I do never remember setting and talking with her about sensitives topics like sex, love, boyfriend, marriage, and even when I first had my period she didn't know. lucky i was because i had a sister that was 1 year older than me, and I talk with her. my sister is my mom and bestfriend even if we argue most of the time. but i love her so much.
do not get it wrong. i do love my mom too. she gave birth to me and was with me everytime I needed her; when i get sick, when i cry... the only problem was that she was too shy to talk with us about topics i mentionned above because of the enviromnent she was raised in and because of age difference.
I have a very hard relationship with my mother. She raised me on her own and I appreciate her strength, her will to succeed, and the sacrifices she made for me. But on the other hand, she's not healthy and our relationship is not healthy. Our relationship is very toxic and she has caused me emotional pain most of my life. Yet she is a smart, and strong woman who inspires me. It's a hard relationship for sure.
My mum and I are really close, we are each other confident. She inspires me a lot, and I admire her to have quitted her job when my little sister was born. It has never been a sacrifice to her. She became a stay-at-home mum and is fulfilled by it. Though she knows the pressures of society which consider stay-at-home mum in a negative way, and I know she underestimates herself because of that. I would like to reassure her about it, and thank her to be there whenever I need her. She is everything to me, and I don't know who I'd be without her.
I added my story a few weeks ago; I just really wanted to thank you all for sharing. I have spent some time reading everyone's posts on this topic and have to say, I am so moved.Thank you.
My mom and I are very very close. However, it's rather ironic that in the tradition Italian environment her and my father have raised me in that my progressive feminist father and I would have a relationship similar to that of Maya and her mother. My mom and I talk about everything and anything and I trust her opinion more than I trust my own instinct sometimes, but it's a truth acknowledged in my home that my father and I are buds. I'm very fortunate in that respect to have my two greatest friends be my parents.
Emma wrote: "Hello everyone! I'm delighted by Angelou's book and I've been thinking about my own mom a little bit more than usual.Most of what you go through as a kid defines your whole life, and mothers play ..."
Hi Emma, this book made me think about my relationship with my mum too. Unfortunately, as others already said, this is quite complicated for me. She surely taught me things, such as the importance to be independent, to be a worker, to study... my problems with her come up when she has to deal with me as a person and not as a daughter or student. I am sure she wants me as a strong woman, but one basic feature of this her idea is that a strong woman does not feel anything, no emotions, no love... while I was a child maybe she wanted to give me this impression of herself and maybe this is the reason why she never told me "I love you". Luckily, I understood by myself that emotions are not a sign of weakness... on the contrary, who is able to express them is actually stronger than those who cannot. While I was reading Angelou's book, I admired Vivian... I loved her. I think that the amazing relationship with Maya, came from her honesty.. and to be honest one has to be brave too. I found myself a thousand of times wondering what my mum would have done if I had acted as Maya did... take the pregnancy, for example... I would have been the shame of the family! I thank Angelou for this book, because she proved this way that it is possible to be a good mother... that it is difficult but possible. Because of the ups and downs with my mum, I have always been scared even only of the idea to have a child but this book made me understand that the only thing that matters is love and honesty and that it is true not only in the mother-child relationship but in every kind of relationships.
This might sound drastic but I don't think I would be alive if it wasn't for my Mom. Ever since I was little her and I were very close until my four years in high-school. I wasn't the greatest student, always skipping classes, doing drugs sometimes and generally not giving a damn about myself... After graduation my mom and I did an entire 360. I think it all started during my senior year where I was at the worst mental state of my life. She never talked to me directly about it but her attitudes and actions would change to fit with every situation... She is just so strong, loving, hard working and compassionate. I always tell her that I could never have children because the pressure of being as good as her is overwhelming. She's just such a gem. I think that mother/daughter relationships are so important. They mold the older women you're becoming.. And also influence your thinking as an adult. We can also say the same thing about fathers but in a different way - however, in this regard, I think that mothers are just so important. And I just am so lucky to have the mom I do. Reflecting on some of these I just hope that in a different life some people would experience things differently... Because when you're an adult, they become your best friend.
Wow, My mom died May 6, 1988. She was 38. When I was 10 she had a breakdown and was never the same again. She committed suicide. So I am always at awe about how lucky people are to have their moms and do that mother daughter thing like go shopping, etc. I have 3 sons and I try to be the best mom I can possibly be. I also have a granddaughter but she lives in another state 6 hours away to its tuff.
For sure, a mom is great to support you and encourage you, and she will give her full love whatever you do. But as you grow up and evolve, you start seeing her "flaws" and the fact that she might have reproduced some behaviors in the education she received herself, for the education she gave you. I mean that a part of her personnality she has, due to her education she received, can be seen in the one she gave you. At least that was the case to me.Hope my explanation is not too complicated.
Mod
Her downside is her worrying, she worries about everything. She even phones up to offer me a ride home once I get off of the bus at night (the bus stop is only a 5 minute walk from my house in a fully residential area!). It's nice of course that she cares - but her worrying is a bit too much!
My mother as many of your is full of love and care. The problem is that she does not have anything else to take care but us and that for most of the time is really annoying.
I love this Robin. I found myself wanting to copy and paste it since it could have been written by me. We are very very very lucky daughters.Robin wrote: "For sure, a mom is great to support you and encourage you, and she will give her full love whatever you do. But as you grow up and evolve, you start seeing her "flaws" and the fact that she might h..."
My mom has always been there for me. Our relationship is considered somewhat 'unique' in the fact that we spend a majority of our time together.
My mother is a fundamentalist christian, a misogynist, a hateful anti-female person, a pathological narcissist, an incompetent homeschooling enthusiast, and an abusive parent. Our relationship is non-existent. She threw me out of the house when I was 17, (3 other siblings ran away before the age of 18. Only one stayed till 18. One is still with her at age 17.) and has spent the five and a half years since then alternately being creepily nice, and leaving me obscenity-laden, hateful, threatening voicemails.
Sweet mom/daughter videos/pictures/stories make me either roll my eyes, or desperately jealous.
I cannot even begin to describe the kind of relationship I share with my mother..... it's so beautiful and amazing it has become the most cherished possession of my life. I cannot think of my existence without her and I owe her my life( every single breath of it ) and also the person I am today. It's not just me but also my brother who feels this way...she has been with us whenever we asked for her help and advice. She is the greatest source of inspiration for me and my brother and is our torchbearer and mentor who has taught us the most important lessons of life.She has the purest and kindest heart with great wisdom and a nerve of steel which I hope I can imbibe in myself. But she is also funny, a little crazy and tends to behave like a child at times, which is good because I honestly cannot open up to a person who is a mother and not a friend.Like all other buddies, we have had our fights but then, who doesn't??? I would like to end this message by saying that I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful mother...Love you, mom
I enjoyed the book. I finished it a few weeks ago, and cannot get over how wonderfully conversational, intimate and lovely it is. One's relationship with one's mother is... oh my, where do I begin? It took many years and many kilometers apart to realize how precious and great a mom she is. That's my relationship with my mom in a sentence; the book is deep.
P.S.: Good group. Glad I joined! :)
Emma wrote: "Hello everyone! I'm delighted by Angelou's book and I've been thinking about my own mom a little bit more than usual.Most of what you go through as a kid defines your whole life, and mothers play ..."
Emma,
you are incredible.
Xx,
Albie
My mother is my best friend. I'm an only child, and My dad left when I was a baby, so it was just the two of us for my whole life. We live in Connecticut, and she grew up in Westchester in New York, so we would always go to NYC together to see musicals or go to concerts. I'm 26 now, so we don't live together anymore, but I still call her on my way home from work every day. We also fight like cats and dogs. It could get pretty toxic sometimes. We would have screaming matches, and it was more so like we were sisters, which isn't a good thing for mothers and daughters. Through all of this, she's still my number one supporter, and I'm her's. I wouldn't have had an ounce of the success I've had in my personal life or career if it weren't for her.
To this day, we still sing in the car together at the top of our lungs, go shopping together, and we even have a Thanksgiving tradition of getting Chinese food and going to the movies every year (with such a small family, Thanksgiving was never a big deal for us)
My mom, is truly, not only an angel, but she is THE angel. Cannot explain how I got her or why, but she is all that and more. How I and my family got this lucky...don't know. She's a mom to six of us, lost 3 babies not including us, and yet she is a mom to anyone who needs a mom, or anyone who needs a friend, or an aunt, or a shoulder. The others have named her "Saint Rita" - she's all that and more and she's my MOM. Patient, loving, unconditional love, forgiving, always happy and positive, so generous in her love and devotion, energy, ability to ignore bad moods or behavior, and to always be the cheerful, positive, kind and loving woman who makes you feel YOU are the most important one....even while knowing that we all are. She's all that and so much more. She met my dad at 17 and fell in love. They married at 18-19. His family disowned her because they were snobs. He served in WWII, his plane was shot down, he was ill but survived and had 6 of us. I am #5 of 6, and my dad became sick when I was in 6th-7th grade. My mom still managed to take of her love, an invalid, her children, the house and be a church member, in what appeared to be effortless. He became even more ill when I was 16 and finally died from a massive stroke when I was 20. She pulled us all through it. Never ever letting us know her loss or pain - it was about how WE were such amazing kids to him and her. She is a feminist, an a 93 year old advocate, who accepts everyone for who they are; she is the Matriarch to a large immediate family and to an extended family, and she taught us to love everyone and be patient and kind. And to donate and be of service to all who may need. All 4'10" of her. She LOVES us all - no matter what. How did she get this lucky??? She drove her car up until 2 years ago when a drunk hit her car - and she broke her neck....yes. She's the ever-ready bunny....still going.... Thank You God Thank you Mom thank you universe! Amen.
My mom and I have a complicated relationship. She married young, and with my father, decided to become very active in the church. I grew up in a very sheltered environment as far as things my parents thought were sinful, but also a very neglected environment. I raised most of my younger siblings as my parents preferred to go out together everyday, driving around for 8-10 hours after we'd gotten home from school. She was never loving or nourishing, and preferred to reveal all my flaws to me instead of criticizing in a useful or constructive manner. I am grown and married now, to a man who is incredibly loving and supportive, and he's helped me put things into perspective. Like I said, she was young and inexperienced with life when she married my father, and while there's not necessarily anything wrong with church, the particular church my parents attend definitely harbor a sense of high school life, with no one really growing or changing as people. As a result, my mother is pretty immature, and still doesn't have a good understanding of how big the world is and how much it has to offer. How can you, only having ever lived a sheltered life in a small town, move far enough from you comfort zone to experience growth? So while my mother and I will probably never have the relationship I wish we did, I understand her, and am working to forgive her for a lot of the hurt I feel she's been the source of. Perhaps if at least one of us can grow up and mature, things could be better?
When I was younger, comparing me to my mother was the worst thing ever. This was naturally a case of teen dramatics, but I wanted to be separate from her.Today, being told I am similar to my mother is one of the best compliments I can get. She is kind, thoughtful, helpful and so there for all her children. I love how she can call me on my bullshit and then help me see the good things in the situations I am in.
My mom is the best <3
Fantastic, we're best friends and I don't see that ever changing. She's an amazing person and I would be proud to be a fraction of what she's like. <3
When I was little, my mom was everything to me. She knew the answer to everything and always knew how to make me feel better. When I was a teenager I wanted nothing to do with my mom and thought she knew nothing. Now, she is my crutch, my support, my advisor, my counselor, my cheerleader, and my best best friend. I couldn't live without her. Not yet anyway. I know I will have to one day but I am too lost still when I comes to life. Everyday she still shows me how to grow into a better person, how to get farther in life, how to be a better friend, how to love someone the right way, how to learn from my mistakes, how to see the world and the universe like it is a living being itself. She is my everything and I would shatter into a million tiny pieces without her.
I have an incredible relationship with my mom. She's the one who has cheered me on during the best days and lifted me off the ground on the worst. The person who I can always call because I know she'll listen, even if I'm saying the same thing for the millionth time. I could not have asked for a better person to have by my side as I was growing up (and even now as an adult) or a better person to set an example of how to be a strong, smart, independent woman who cares for others and is confident in herself.
My mother is one of my most cherished people. She always supported me. Emotionally, financially, health-wise -physical and mental, and whenever I needed and still need someone to talk to. We are completely honest with each other.Keeping in mind that I'm an extremely cautious and wary person, my mother (and also my father) is/are the only person/s that I trust fully and who I believe when she/they tell/s me that I'm loved unconditionally by her/them.
I suppose my relationship with my mother is not terrible. I mean, I can do a lot of things with her. Problem is we don't get along well more often than not. We spend some days in tranquility, in some days we also share experiences like visiting museums or something like that, but the problem with my mum is that she really never experienced success in her life and because of that she actually never supported me, but always suggested me to keep a low profile and never dream big because I'll always fail. For example I've always loved to write and recently, 'cause a teacher at uni gave us as assignment to write a short story, I came up saying to her that I'm actually a good writer. She nor asked me to let her read something mine, nor she asked me something else about my passion but instead mocked me asking why I never published anything if I were that good. This habit of discouraging me developed in me the need to hide most of my life to her and my family because I always had the feeling that they weren't really interested in anything I did or that if I tried to share with them desires or thoughts they would eventually tried to make me giving up. Moreover my mother actually hasn't a job and I feel like she's doing nothing to improve the situation, that has been like this for six years, and my appreciation of her is really low. Now that I grew up I know that I only need to be deaf to her and their discouragement but I had some self esteem issues while growing up and I still have them in part. And of course feeling that you cannot even count on your family to always believe in you is not pleasant. I'd just like to simply don't give a damn, but I fear is not that easy.
Arusha wrote: "Hello again......picking up from where i left off, i would like to share the following poem written by my mother when she was 5 months pregnant with me.
TO MY UNBORN CHILD
What shall i say to y..."
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story and this absolutely wonderful poem that your mother wrote for you. I was really touched by the poem and by your description of your deeply loving relationship.
I grew up without my mom, for the first fifteen years of my life. Due to circumstances, she had to work away from home. A convent boarding school was my first home. While I had a good (albeit out of the ordinary) childhood, being away from each other kind of took its toll on our relationship. Hardships in life embittered mom - making her, brusque and "shut away", sort of. I know she loves me, but unlike regualr mom-daughter pairs, we don't miss each other and that sometimes saddens me...but after years of trying...I just let her be. However, I reversed it all, with my son! We are best friends - so far, so good! I tell him jokingly, "I envy you boy, you have such a chilled out, loving mom!" :)
It's great to hear that a mom and daughter can truly be friends, it's just not for everyone.Growing up my mom had a strong hold on me without me even know it. She turned down every thing I wanted to do, to be, and to have. But, as the gullible kid I am still today, I followed her with my chin down but my eyes still in the clouds (without her seeing).
Now that I'm supposedly a grown up, supposedly graduated and working, but even with a widowed mother, I still can't find the path I was born to go.
If you think I'm ungrateful, I call myself a coward. If you call her a loving mother, I think of her as my guard and not my guardian.
Will our relationship ever change? Most likely unlikely, but not all lives follow the rules.
We both (and all) just hope to do some right.
I've always envied those who were close to their mom. My mother chose to abandon us when I was only four years old. She was in and out of my life till I was about eight or nine when my parents officially parted ways and I saw very little of her since. I tried so hard to get her to talk to me, to like me... I rebelled against my dad in case it was his fault and pretended not to like my stepmother-- pretty much anything I could to get her attention. Needless to say, it didn't work. I am 28 years old and have now started a family of my own. From a very young age I knew I wanted kids, if only to prove to myself I am NOT my mother. So far I have been successful. I harbor no ill feelings toward my mother; I hold absolutely nothing against her. It took me a long time to just let it go. But after becoming a mother and realizing just how hard and time-consuming and energy-draining it is, I think I can understand why she chose the easy way out. But I don't know her to really feel anything for her. For as long as I live, I will work tirelessly and endlessly to make sure my children never feel as if they are not loved or cared for or unwanted.
I loved this question as it really provoked deeper introspection regarding my relationship with my mother. I believe that many long-term relationships tend to be complex as you're combining history, differing personalities, and unique personal experiences. My relationship with my mother has always been strong. I cannot imagine a better childhood. She devoted herself to her children and pushed us to achieve our absolute best. She took the time to understand the strengths and weaknesses of each of her children and to encourage and foster our passions. My relationship with my mother became strained as I entered the teenage years. I constantly pushed the boundaries and wanted more freedom to make my own decisions about my time and my life. I know I screamed "I hate you" more times than I care to admit. My mom is not perfect, she definitely screamed back a few times, but I never once felt that she wasn't there for me or that she did not love me. Now that I am an adult my mother and I have become close friends and I see her more as an individual than as an idol. With that I now see her faults as well as her strengths. She can be emotionally immature, needy, and manipulative; she is also incredibly giving, caring, and considerate. She is human.
