Would you want to read a book with this blurb?

[A.A.]

Hi all!
I would love your feedback (readers and authors alike). Would you be interested in a book with this blurb/synopsis?

Fifer is many things: a thief and caravan guide, a step daughter, an apprentice, and a half breed-part giftless and part Fay, the legendary and mysterious creatures as old as the desert. Her glowing green eyes set her apart, spark frightened glances and mutterings, cause the crowd to part as she passes; but Fifer has learned long ago that she does not need the approval of strangers. She is aloof, stubborn and daring-until her partner goes missing, and she is offered a job that may prove beyond her skills.

Arkadius is the Master in training, and he can feel in his gut that his time is coming. How will he lead the Aestus, the brotherhood of power-gifted and secretive warriors? Would the Aestus chieftains accept him, or will the brotherhood fall apart in Arkadius's hands? The young man must take great risks to ensure his people's survival.

[Dwayne]

It's top-heavy with a lot of information. It's really a string of lists. Focus on one or two things that make Fifer unique or focus on what is really important to the book. Does your reader need to know, immediately, that Fifer has a string of jobs or all the effects her glowing green eyes have on people? I'm looking for a story here and all I really get in the first paragraph is someone is missing and Fifer takes on a job.

Then we abruptly move on to learning about another character who may or may not have some connection to Fifer or the missing partner. Or maybe it is the missing partner? There's some info about Akadius, but without knowing who he is, his connection to the plot or Fifer, it feels like you've jumped into describing another book.

[A.A.]

Thank you Dwayne, your thorough and thoughtful response is just what I am looking for!

[Lance]

The three questions your copy should answer:

1) Who is the main character, and what does s/he want?
2) Who/what is keeping him/her from getting what s/he wants?
3) What happens if s/he doesn't get it?

You get 200-250 words. Go!

[A.A.]

Love the feedback. I am up to the challenge! Will revise post-haste.
Lance wrote: "The three questions your copy should answer:

1) Who is the main character, and what does s/he want?
2) Who/what is keeping him/her from getting what s/he wants?
3) What happens if s/he doesn't get..."

[A.A.]

Dwayne wrote: "It's top-heavy with a lot of information. It's really a string of lists. Focus on one or two things that make Fifer unique or focus on what is really important to the book. Does your reader need to..."

Hi Dwayne,
Wondering what you think of this version:

Fifer is a thief by trade and a half-breed by blood—part giftless and part Fay, the legendary and mysterious creatures as old as the desert. She is stubborn and quick-witted, but when her partner goes missing and she is abducted by demanding clients, Fifer finds herself trapped in a deal she should have walked away from. Little does she know that in fulfilling her contract with the Aestus, the brotherhood of power-gifted and secretive warriors, she would discover that she is not what she had thought.

Arkadius is the Aestus Master in training, and he can feel in his gut that his time is drawing near. But the Aestus are not united, power struggles are beginning to come to light, and Arkadius knows that he will need to assert his power to keep the clans from warring. If he can’t quell the rebellion by force, he must obtain a powerful magical artefact that every race in the desert covets. He is willing to risk everything, including his life to preserve the Aestus, but he never thought he would need to rely on a half-breed thief. How could a woman save the mighty Aestus? When he discovers the answer, the fate of the world as he knows it will be at stake.