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I got 0-votes again for the 3rd time on this group. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep trying.
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Lorien, Death Strikes AgainUnfortunately, I didn't have the time to participate in the competition last month, despite the fact that I wanted to more than anything. I plan to enter the December contest once the prompt is decided upon, as my goal for this school year is to enter a real, serious writing contest before final exams hit. This group and your feedback will be a great resource- I figure I might as well give you some now in return! Anyway, enough about me...
If this was a stand-alone short story, I would mark up the paper (so to speak) with questions asking for background information and context. However, I understand that this story is a small part of the expansive Crystallia universe you have created. So I will not go on and on about my own confusion during integral parts of the story. It's likely that someone with more knowledge of the universe would extract more enjoyment from it.
My largest criticism lies in Sadra's character. I am not saying that you portray her as a two dimensional, flat character. Actually, my own feelings were quite the opposite of that- you tried so hard to make her a fleshed out human being, with conflicting and tangled emotions revolving around the execution of her own brother. I'd absolutely love this if her emotions didn't appear so separate and thrown at you, like little pieces of confetti. In one short paragraph, she's pretending to be sad. In the next, she's actually sad. And then she becomes... almost sadistic and emotionless? Huh? I know I'm notorious for using too many words, but I really think more words could have been used to describe that incident. Either that or a brief switch into a third person objective point of view, and then a reflection on her feelings afterward, which would be unusual but interesting. Your paragraphs during that scene worked like this: event, emotion. Next event, completely different emotion. This came off as choppy. A few sentences explaining the change of her emotions would suffice. Think of it like this: you want the solution to slowly change color, like in Chemistry. You don't want a Potions class, where you add the ingredient and the color changes instantly.
Or if she is feeling them all simultaneously, then be sure to explain that too. This isn't poetic writing, but something along the lines of "I'm sad for Alderius because he's my brother and has done such and such for me, but at the same time, a part of me wants to see his personality gone, unable to pester me again..."
The bracelet and Alderius' crimes were both unclear to me, but again, this might be due to my limited knowledge of the universe.
Some small grammar things to note:
"a mixture of sympathy with breathtaking." There seems to be a word missing after breathtaking. Also, you are describing Alderius' state. Sympathy, in most cases, is a noun. It's a little odd to see an noun and an adjective next to each other.
"My brother must be taken cared of" should be "taken care of."
"My voice, much to the audiences' surprise..." correct usage is "audience's."
I'm sorry for getting a little carried away. Do know that I enjoyed reading the story. I think you are an amazing writer, and your writing has developed so much since you first roleplayed with me!! I'm not blind to your busy schedule either, which makes it hard to go into a lot of detail with stories. So just keep this advice in mind for a less busy time, like summer! :)
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Ok!
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This was a unique take on the prompt for this month, and I loved it! You really took the prompt and made it your own. One thing I noticed was particularly well-done was the senses. You didn't over-describe, but you described enough. Though I have no idea of the world you are writing in, it was easy to pick up the basics of the world and comprehend what was happening.
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I actually am working on a chapter in which Otto meets Merdoc (his childhood hero) and Jason!
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Yas!!! Hey I started on my entry, but not sure where to take it. You online so I could send it to you?
Coralie wrote: "Isabella wrote: "I actually am working on a chapter in which Otto meets Merdoc (his childhood hero) and Jason!"Yas!!! Hey I started on my entry, but not sure where to take it. You online so I cou..."
wow I said yes like four times and it won't post!!
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Whew, this one is looong! I didn't know what I was signing up for when I promised to review it. xD Anyway, let me jump right in. These suggestions are purely suggestions, and mainly just little things I noticed. What you have may just be your writing style, and that's perfectly fine!
“Maya, hand me screwdriver, will ya?” There should probably be a "the" in there.
She glanced back at Willow, but the pretty blonde was still hunched over her worktable. Willow wasn’t even that much older than her, only four years. This sounds a bit awkward to me.
on the next bought of wind floated the shrikes of laughter Do you mean "shrieks?"
Excitement rushed through her and she decided to throw caution to the wind. Personally, I would use a comma between the two statements.
He was a fine catcher, she reasoned. A previous thought was in italics. You should probably have all thoughts in italics, or all thoughts in plain text.
If she kept silent, Willow would never notice her slip out and she’d be too preoccupied with her new whatchamicallit for a few hours yet. Again, I would use a comment between the two statements. Also, this sounds a bit awkward, like, she'd be too preoccupied for what? I would either remove the "too" or insert "to notice she was gone."
then get out of here as quickly as possible before Willow got word of her outing. I would use either "as quickly as possible" or "before Willow got word of her outing," or just edit the wording a little.
Willow tapped the counter, thoughtfully, I would say you don't really need a comma between "counter" and "thoughtfully."
it seemed awfully rude when you weren’t properly acquainted with the tree. I just wanted to mention that I loved this bit!
And I have to come across the village some time or other, don’t I?” I found the meaning of the phrase "come across" here unclear.
too caught up in her frustration. What is she too caught up her in frustration to do/say/think/etc.?
She continued to stomp through the forest, stepping over logs and pushing aside the thick foliage. The "the" between "aside" and "thick" isn't really necessary.
she said quietly and to no one in particular, The "and" isn't really necessary.
her long empty stomach, I've never heard "long" used to describe a stomach. What exactly does it mean here? xD
Just as she knew the moment when a spring rain became a torrential thunderstorm, Maya felt the instant It might make sense to repeat "moment" here.
Shea ran, dodging branches and bushes, I assume you mean "she"?
her lungs felt as though they would burst. I've heard this simile before, but if feels to me that if her lungs were to burst, that would imply they were too full. Something like "her lungs burned like a fire had been ignited inside them." might make more sense here.
You had some lovely descriptions in this story, and you conveyed emotion well. I also appreciated how you constantly noted what characters were doing. People are constantly in motion! I will note that at points, particularly paragraph eight, it felt like information dumping.
Your world seemed very well put together and well thought out. You didn't introduce too many things quickly, and you also didn't make the story to slow. Your talking of the problems her size presented introduced conflict quickly while still leaving things unknown.
Your characters were definitely three-dimensional. Very well-done!
The story was exciting, and I definitely want to read more. It was excellent. Don't let my nit-picking make you think it wasn't so! I just found some things a little off.
I hope this helps!
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Whew, this one is looong! I didn't know what I was signing up for when I promised to review it. xD Anyway, let me jump right in. These suggestions are purely suggestions,..."
Wow! You caught sooo much! Thank you!!! Yeah *blush* sorry, I guess I should have mentioned it was a bit longer. My bad. But, seriously, THANK YOU!!!
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Isabella, your entry was wonderful. You know how much I loved it. I thought it was well-written and I very much enjoyed the style with which you wrote it! Great job!
Coralie wrote: "Chloe, your Always You was beautiful!! Such a cool idea! I would love to see the story expand. I liked your characters and the plot was just...ugh, beautiful! You've got my heart in a puddle on the..."aaa thank you!!
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Congrats! I just saw that you won! Your story has been listed in our hall of fame!
Oh, and question, are you planning to participate in the friendly point system competition we have going on? I noticed your name wasn't on the How it Works thread, which is totally fine if you don't want to join. But if you do, writing entries (and winning) is a way to earn points for your team!
Well, you should get them more often! You have some writing skills!