Blazing Readers & Wordy Writers discussion
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Comments on the Writing Competitions
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Jacey, I loved the idea you set up! It was intriguing and I really hope you choose to continue with the story and share the updates with us! I think it would help you out a lot if you cleaned up your formatting a little bit. It would just be easier on the readers' eyes.
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OH I REMEMBER THE START OF THIS!!! :D I completely forgot about it! Mmm, this gives me a distinctly The Giver feel, especially they way you describe the colors and smells as so foreign to her. I really like Opal. She made me smile, so sweet an innocent. Jade is ready to question everything, but Opal doesn't see the problem yet. Hmm, you said they (fruits and veggies) reminded Jade of the Garden, but I don't recall there being a garden...did you mean field? Hmm...but would Opal be prepared to fake out her family and get back into the locked door like Jade was? GASP! OPAL?!?!! GUUUH! You simply must continue this! That was beautiful! I'd love to see more from Opal's perspective! Did she grow to appreciate and question the flowers as deeply as Jade had? Does she ever find Jade? GAAAAHHH! Loved it!
I agree, the writing was very rushed and bunched-together, it was way too hard for me to get into. I kinda liked the idea but poor writing often turns me off from even great ideas.
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OH I REMEMBER THE START OF THIS!!! :D I completely forgot about it! Mmm, this gives me a distinctly The Giver feel, especially they way you describe the col..."
I'll try to continue it. I often don't have time to but I'll try :) Thank you.
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Masi: I agree. I haven't read Lillian's or Emma's yet, but poor formatting really makes me dislike the act of reading someone's work and I usually don't vote on that project just for that lack of an enjoyable experience. Your formatting has improved by leaps and bounds!
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For example
And, no fear, I'm just a grammar Nazi. XD
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How to put a photo directly on Goodreads:
<.img src=Paste the link to your image here.>
How to change a link to a word or something: (Instead of a long link you would have just the word "here" or whatever you choose to have it say)
<.a href="Paste your link here".>What you want it to say instead of your link<./a.>
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The beginning had me on my toes. I was anticipating the story to come. I really liked the idea you had. I liked Frank's teleportation and I liked the characters you created. I think they both could have used a little more fleshing out, but they have a great start. A few questions to think about which may help you fill in the story more: how did they know it was a time hole? Why did Lilliana (a beautiful name, by the way) feel so bound to help Frank? She doesn't seem to like him very much. You had some very specific and vivid details for some things, like Lilliana's outfit and her phone case, but what about everything else? What's Frank look like? Carol? What's the world around them look like? Use that same sense of detail and describe what the field sounds like, smells like, feels like, etc. What about the time hole? How are the characters feeling? I wanted more background information, too. What's the board and how does it operate? What are some of the other powers people have? How can Frank hold the time hole? Why couldn't he have just transported it in the first place in the same way? What exactly is a time hole? These guys seem to know more about it than we do. Just flesh the story out and slow your pacing down just a little. Explain their powers a little more for the readers.
There are some serious formatting issues that made this really difficult for me to read. For example, when you switch speakers, you should start a new paragraph. Each new paragraph should be indented or separated from the previous paragraph with a space. Also, consider using italics instead of capital letters for emphasis. (If you need help with that, see the previous posts in this thread.) These just help keep things clean and clear for the reader.
I did note several grammatical issues in here as well, but with a little revision, I think this could be a pretty intriguing story. It's got a lot of potential. Thanks for sharing!
Mod
Way to go getting out of your comfort zone! Sci-fi isn't always easy to write and you did well, especially for your first time.
You did well with stepping into your character's shoes. I felt the struggles she had being deaf and her emotions bubbling under the surface about it.
I felt like the transition from her normal life to the alien appearing was a bit abrupt. I liked how you showed the song and I could tell something was a bit out of the ordinary, but it felt weird to have her shrug off her mom's weird behavior, walk into her room, and see a three-legged alien.
The dialogue on paper was nice, but it felt a bit dry to me. Not much emotion was conveyed through the conversation. I could sense her stubbornness, but wouldn't she feel at least a bit upset, confused, or agitated? That would have broken up the dialogue to make it a bit more readable.
It also seemed a bit strange how easily the aliens were taken down. One gadget was apparently broken and the aliens are done for? The gadget wasn't well-protected from the humans at all?
I would love to see you continue this. Do the aliens come back? What happens next? Did they really leave?
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A beautiful story as usual from you. I definitely enjoyed it.
While I was reading the story, I felt like something was missing. I would have loved to see more action with Porter. She was at a normal concert, and then when she wakes up from sleeping everyone but her there is dead? The pieces didn't quite fit for me.
I just found the story a bit confusing to be honest. Was Porter secretly an alien? Was he a human chosen to be controlled by them? Why did the aliens only take the people at the concert? Mrs. Rosewood and the news reporters seemed perfectly fine.
I admire how well you wrote the emotions. I was always on my toes to see what happened next and right there with Shadina as the events played out.
I would also love to see you continue this. Further clarifications would be nice, but also it's a good story base. It leaves the reader wanting more, which can be a good thing.
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I really enjoyed your entry! It made me seriously want to know more about the real story! I hope you plan to share it with us!! I very much liked your characters, what we got to see of them. And I liked how you handled the prompt. I want to know more about the rich-siders and the setting and the other things you mentioned. I think this was very well done!! Thank you for sharing!
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First of all, I loved your premise! A very creative way to approach the prompt. I loved how the characters just kind of appeared and then ambushed you. And, you had some very clever lines, as well as ones which I found funny. I had a little trouble following all of the exchanges because I don't know your characters. Not that I expected to, but I had kind of expected to be introduced to them a little more and less just thrown in the mix...does that make sense? Also, I found two or three grammatical errors which kinda pulled me out of the story. All that said, I loved your interactions with them and I loved the ending!! It was brilliant. I loved when you pulled out your pen, too. Dangerous weapon that! All in all, I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing!
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Masi, your formatting has greatly improved. This is much easier on the eyes than some of your previous entries have been. I did still find numerous grammatical errors and typos. You switched verb tenses in the middle of a sentence, for instance. Unless the verb tense switch is intentional and purposeful, you don't ever want to do that. Your descriptions are vivid, so I had no difficulty discerning the visual aspects of the characters and the setting. I find it a little strange that a toddler is reading a National Geographic magazine though...just sayin'. To be perfectly honest, the continuity of this story was just really hard to follow. I had trouble mushing through. I felt like there were a thousand different things to focus on and the transitions, even on the sentence to sentence level, were really choppy. And that time shift. My thoughts were: Whoa...now he's 10?! What happened? That was...an unexpected and really abrupt time shift...you might consider adding some kind of heading or inserting some kind of warning in there. Then you did it again to 15. I still wasn't expecting it, but it came as less of a shock, I guess. The argument felt completely unprecedented and out of character. What could turn the mother against him so violently and so quickly when she's been the one encouraging him this whole time? I mean, that was just weird to me. There were even moments when the mother acted more like a child than the son did, though the son was quite an arrogant and disrespectful little know it all himself. The ending was abrupt and unsatisfying, in my opinion. Overall, I didn't particularly enjoy reading your entry, but I can tell that you worked hard on it and I don't want to undermine that hard work. I can see your improvement, definitely, and I want to encourage you to keep improving. Thanks for sharing!
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I like how you approached the prompt. I liked the panel of judges kind of feel. You turned reality on it's head, but maintained a clear and concise direction. Thought I didn't know your characters, again as is to be expected, you introduced them as if you expected the reader to be ignorant, which really helped me to follow along. So, thank you! Okay, I have to admit, the first half of the story was just okay for me, but the second half (from comment two to the end) was absolutely awesome. I loved the confrontation. It was brilliant and definitely made me laugh and smile. You really hit the nail on the head for me. I think you ended it nicely and even inspired me a little too. Thanks for sharing!! (Oh, and I think I did find one boo boo, but it was small, maybe just a typo?)
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I felt a bit thrown into the deep end here because I didn't understand the background behind the story: What is a rehjer? Why did they poison the king and the main character?
The story was very well-written, albeit confusing. I enjoyed most of it, and it was interesting. I've heard of historical food tasters before and it was neat watching it come to life. You wrote descriptively and emotionally. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us!
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I'm reading this from a perspective of not knowing much about Marvel, but I still enjoyed it. I definitely got mystery vibes. It was dramatic, surprising, and intriguing.
"FIND THOSE TWO AND KILL THEM WITH POISON! I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT!": I laughed out loud at this line because it was a bit of an oxymoron. She seems to care how they do it. It brightened up the story a bit, but not too much. Great job! Thank you for sharing this with us!
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This was definitely not what I was expecting to read, but it was powerful! I honestly felt like I was reading a book in the way I wanted to go post the most inspirational quotes on Goodreads and tell everyone to read it.
I will say I think there could have been a bit more "story" to it. It seemed like a chapter ending a book, and that there should be more struggle leading to it. It was well-written and the emotion was felt. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Catherine wrote: "Shine, The Haunted Med-Lab
I'm reading this from a perspective of not knowing much about Marvel, but I still enjoyed it. I definitely got mystery vibes. It was dramatic, surprising, and intriguing..."
THANKS!
I never realized that I put a sense of humor into that story.
I'm reading this from a perspective of not knowing much about Marvel, but I still enjoyed it. I definitely got mystery vibes. It was dramatic, surprising, and intriguing..."
THANKS!
I never realized that I put a sense of humor into that story.
Mod
I'm reading this from a perspective of not knowing much about Marvel, but I still enjoyed it. I definitely got mystery vibes. It was dramatic, surprisi..."
I wondered if it was unintentional, but regardless the story was well-written.
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Some grammar things I thought I should point out:
~When "it" is possessive, you should use "its" and not "it's."
~It would make more sense to me if you combined the first two sentences or switched the tense of the second.
~When you have two sentences combined with a conjunction, you should put a comma after the first sentence unless one depends on the other. (Like if you use "when.")
~"Most neatest," should be "neatest."
~"Darious Sencer was...color it was." This seems like a run-on sentence to me.
~"Now, would you..state," should end with a question mark.
~"she was suppose to," I would use "supposed."
With that out of the way, this story was excellent. A bit confusing, but understandable enough that I knew what was going on. I would love to read more of it sometime! Thank you for sharing it!
Catherine wrote: "PinkLoki(Shine) wrote: "Catherine wrote: "Shine, The Haunted Med-Lab
I'm reading this from a perspective of not knowing much about Marvel, but I still enjoyed it. I definitely got mystery vibes. I..."
Thanks. I've made a list of inspirations that made this story happen.
I'm reading this from a perspective of not knowing much about Marvel, but I still enjoyed it. I definitely got mystery vibes. I..."
Thanks. I've made a list of inspirations that made this story happen.
Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so hard. I have an idea and I know the story I want to tell, but I just don't know how to tell it!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!! Count down 5 days AHHHHHHHH
Ugh... I always try to do it, but I’m not a long story Writer. I often write 2,000-3,000 word stories.... and poetry... we should really have a poetry writing prompt one month!
Anna wrote: "Ugh... I always try to do it, but I’m not a long story Writer. I often write 2,000-3,000 word stories.... and poetry... we should really have a poetry writing prompt one month!"
I'm mostly a Chapter Story Writer, but lately I've been leaving cliff-hangers for certain writing things on GR.
I'm mostly a Chapter Story Writer, but lately I've been leaving cliff-hangers for certain writing things on GR.
Mod
This was an intriguing work. It does seem in a need of a little polishing in terms of making complete sense, but I could understand what you meant.
You threw the readers right into the deep end, but it still mostly made sense. That's an accomplishment. The story wasn't my style, but I still appreciate how well-done it was. Thank you for sharing!
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Your style drew me in immediately. I loved the voice and tone that you wrote with. It was simply enchanting. The beginning was set up in such an intriguing way. That said, the ending kind of fell flat for me. The moral, especially written almost as an afterthought, seemed...very out of place. I feel like it was underdeveloped, which led to a forced feeling. I think if you'd had more time and space, you could easily have built up to the moral a little better. The ending was unclear and felt unresolved because it was so abrupt. But I liked your characters and the cultures you hinted at. I'd love to see more of this.
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You are making sooo much progress!! :-) I think this is one of the best-written pieces I've seen from you! I still spotted a few grammatical errors, but your formatting was very clear and the story was much easier to follow than some of your previous works, in my opinion. One suggestion: make sure to start a new paragraph for every time a new speaker is introduced. There were still bits that were a little difficult to follow, specifically moving from one idea to the next. I loved the perspective you wrote from. It was so unique to see the story from the villains povs! Great job and keep up the good work! Keep learning and growing! You still have more you can do, but this is really awesome!
Coralie wrote: "Shine, Haunted Med-Lab
You are making sooo much progress!! :-) I think this is one of the best-written pieces I've seen from you! I still spotted a few grammatical errors, but your formatting was ..."
Thanks!
I've tried my best to make it as clear as possible.
You are making sooo much progress!! :-) I think this is one of the best-written pieces I've seen from you! I still spotted a few grammatical errors, but your formatting was ..."
Thanks!
I've tried my best to make it as clear as possible.
Mod
What...just happened?! Kay, I was not expecting that. So...kudos to shock factor I guess? I found the piece mostly easy to read. Your formatting has improved significantly. As for the story, I can't say it pulled me in. There were several tense issues and a few other grammatical issues. It felt a little choppy in places. But you built around the mystery well, though I think a little more development may have helped. The story as a whole was kind of depressing, but it was a creative interpretation of the prompt.
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Well, you know I love this world of yours. I love your characters and creatures. But...this didn't feel like your best piece to me. I mean, it just kinda fell a little short of my expectations, I guess. I loved the end, the development in the overall story, but the middle didn't really draw me in like your work normally does. I do still look forward to more peeks into this universe, though!
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Tessa, there were a few paragraphs of this in the middle that just struck me as sooo powerful. They were the parts I recognized from your previous draft. I liked the way you set it up in the beginning and lead up to your main body very nicely. I also really liked your take on the poison prompt. It was unique and not what anyone else did. The idea of poison was applied somewhere differently than I had originally thought, though, which took me by surprise. I feel like it almost stretched out a little to long there in the end, but I did really like it overall very much. I'd love to see this polished up just a bit more and think it's already a brilliant piece! Thank you for sharing it!
Sidenote, there were several unnecessary commas I found.
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Yeah, there were several more grammatical errors this time than you normally make and it felt a little more distant than normal too. But I was glad to see it nonetheless! It means you haven't given it up just yet and that you are getting back into it! :-)
Cora, I always feel jipped. "You already have my review." XD Love ya! <3
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MORE NOW! Freaking six year cliff hangar...XP
I've never got a positive comment on my story before. I love it so much that I might be able to use it as original, but change the contents and stuff!
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Of course! I enjoyed reading it. :-)
My fanfictions is good and horrible at the sametime.