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message 1: by Rachel (last edited Oct 22, 2016 02:50AM) (new)

Rachel Thyssen (rachelthijssen) | 121 comments (Updated)
I'm planning on finishing a YA fantasy inspired by the story of Mulan at least before Christmas.

I appreciate any help!

Here's what I have as a query so far:

Query

Dear (agent),

Seventeen-year old Dalila Bau decides to take her brother’s place in the long-lasting war between two countries. If she is found out, she’ll be executed for treason. But it’s more likely that the enemy will kill her first.

The countries of Medea and Kash have been at war for years. Dalila’s brother has trained for the Medean army, but has decided to give up warfare to have a family. When he’s asked to join the war anyway, Dalila, who does not have the hope of a family, joins in his place.

Dalila ends up fighting among people who knew her brother, putting her at risk. And the general, prince Kazim, has high expectations Dalila just can’t seem to meet.

In a world of lost magic, gods, dragons and other mythical creatures, Dalila is about to find out just where she belongs. Because in the heat of battle, she finds out she has the gift of magic. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t know how to control it.

When the crown prince is killed, Dalila faces a difficult decision.
The God of Death wants to strike a deal: if Dalila kills the King of Kash and ends the war, prince Kazim will return to the living. But if the prince remains dead, the enemy will win the war.

Now Dalila has to train as a magician to be able to kill the King. But the magicians have the Sight, which means they will recognize her as a woman.

Armed with newfound magic Dalila has to end a war and safe the prince, or else the enemy will win. For the prince is their only hope. And now, it seems, Dalila is as well.

THE GIRL IN MAN’S ARMOR (80K) is a YA fantasy novel inspired by the story of MULAN. It explores what happens when a young woman in a world of men decides to disguise herself with man’s armor and go off to war, facing the chance of execution or death by the enemy.

A few years ago, I published two middle-grade books with a small, independent publisher. THE GIRL IN MAN’S ARMOR is my fifth novel, second in the genre of Young Adult.

Thank you for your consideration,

Rachel


message 2: by Luke (new)

Luke | 23 comments "Seventeen-year old Dalila Bau decides to take her brother’s place in the long-lasting war between two countries. If she is found out, Dalila will be executed for treason. But it’s more likely that the enemy will kill her first."

This first paragraph might work better after you’ve told us more about the war. It comes off as pretty abrupt right now, since we don’t know anything about the war or these two countries

"The countries of Medea and Kash have been at war for years. But (you’ve started off two sentences with But so far) now the enemies of Kash have infiltrated the country, placing spies in every major city. King Djoser has given his son the order to collect a group of elite warriors to find and kill these spies. Unfortunately for prince Kazim, his band of soldiers is far from elite."

The part about King Djoster giving orders to start a group of warriors seems unnecessary. It’s not clear from your query how that plot line is crucial to the story

"In a world of lost magic, gods, dragons and other mythical creatures, Dalila must face her true identity as a woman among men. Secrets cannot stay hidden forever. But there’s another problem: Dalila has the gift of magic."

Why is the gift of magic a problem? Usually magic is something people want

"Struggling with her newfound identity as well as that of a woman, Dalila faces a difficult choice when the crown prince is killed. The God of Death wants to strike a deal: if she kills the King of Kash and ends the war, prince Kazim will return to the living. If she doesn’t, the war will be over as well, but in favor of the enemy."

I would tighten this last paragraph up a bit. I had to reread the last two sentences to fully understand the deal the God offers. You also mention her struggle being a woman twice, making it come across as a bit redundant

"Will Dalila be able to end the war and save both the prince and her country?"


message 3: by Rachel (new)

Rachel Thyssen (rachelthijssen) | 121 comments Luke wrote: ""Seventeen-year old Dalila Bau decides to take her brother’s place in the long-lasting war between two countries. If she is found out, Dalila will be executed for treason. But it’s more likely that..."

Thanks, I'll work on it!


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