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message 1: by J.A. (last edited Oct 21, 2016 07:19AM) (new)

J.A. Ebonlight Dear Agent
revision in post seven


Marie is a hard-headed teenager whose secretly in love with her adopted cousin named Jahoel who happens to be a fallen angel who was once name The Destroyer. Out of the blue an old frenemy of Jahoel name Michael comes down to drag Jahoel into a war against the horsemen and angels for a three way battle for Throne of God-for without someone sitting on the Throne of God the universe will fall back into complete chaos. Marie is definitely, definitely not going to let the sum of her affection go on this wild adventure without her. Together they undergo this insane quest to many worlds building an army strong enough to sit Marie and Jahoel on the Throne of God as his new Will.


message 2: by Roughseasinthemed (last edited Oct 19, 2016 11:50PM) (new)

Roughseasinthemed | 263 comments Aaaagh.
First sentence check your grammer. Not whose, either who's or who is.
Also too many whos.
Who is secretly in love, who happens to be, who was once name (should be named).
Your sentences are too long and complex; they need splitting up, as does the paragraph.
You've got name again instead of named Michael, but it's repetitive anyway so I suggest rewording.
I would start again, ask yourself what are the threats, goals and challenges that make this distinctive? Universe falling into chaos? Three-way battle between horsemen, angles and Marie/Jahoel? Fighting for control of the universe?


message 3: by J.A. (last edited Oct 20, 2016 01:15AM) (new)

J.A. Ebonlight Roughseasinthemed wrote: "Aaaagh.
First sentence check your grammer. Not whose, either who's or who is.
Also too many whos.
Who is secretly in love, who happens to be, who was once name (should be named).
Your sentences ..."


Thank you! I apologized if that was a pain, I have ADHD and it manifest in my writing. I agreed with your advice.
Would removing "for without someone sitting on the Throne of God the universe will fall back into complete chaos." make it clear that the story is about sitting on the Throne?


Roughseasinthemed | 263 comments Not a pain, just a question of where to start to try and be constructive!

I wouldn't remove that as I think it's an important component. What about making it a standalone sentence. Either start with Unless someone sits … or Without someone sitting …


message 5: by J.A. (last edited Oct 20, 2016 04:46AM) (new)

J.A. Ebonlight I took a lot of your advice, I didn't realized the many "whos" and "named".

Here's the revision:

Marie is a stubborn teenager that has loved her adopted cousin Jahoel since the age of ten. Now at the age of sixteen she has discovered that he was once a fallen angel called The Destroyer. And then out of the blue an old frenemy of Jahoel, Michael appears. He is a Seraph Angel who lost the civil war for the dominion of heaven.

Now Michael wants to drag Jahoel into a war against the horsemen and angels in three way battle for Throne of God. The Throne of God is the physical manifestation of Order in the universe. Without the right someone on the throne the universe will revert back to its primal state of pure chaos.

Marie is definitely, definitely not going to let the sum of her affection brave this wild adventure without her. They have been bonnie and clyde since ten. She also still needs to confess how she feels. So together they undergo this insane quest to many worlds building an army strong enough to sit Marie and Jahoel on the Throne of God. Failure means the end of everything and success means a start of everything.


message 6: by Roughseasinthemed (last edited Oct 21, 2016 07:31AM) (new)

Roughseasinthemed | 263 comments Okies. Got rid of the whos. Need to delete one of the nows!

Still needs tightening up as it's too long.

First par, delete age ref, you've already said she's a teen.

Out of the blue is a bit cliché.

Second par, a three-way battle. Not sure we need the second sentence. I like the last one about chaos though. That's what initially grabbed me.

Third par, drop Bonnie and Clyde. We need to know their problems and why this is difficult. So far they are running off happily into the sun and finding an army so they can get enthroned.


message 7: by J.A. (new)

J.A. Ebonlight Okay, I revise again, and I made altenate version speaking from the lead character. I wonder if it better describes the problems and invest you in the character more.

Revise version: Marie is a stubborn teenager that has loved her adopted cousin Jahoel since the age of ten. She has recently discovered that he was once a fallen angel called The Destroyer through an old frenemy of his named Michael. Michael is a Seraph Angel who lost the civil war for the dominion of heaven.

Now Michael wants to drag Jahoel into a war against the horsemen and angels in a three-way free for all for the Throne of God. For without the right someone on the throne the universe will revert back to its primal state of pure chaos.

Marie is definitely, definitely not going to let the sum of her affection brave this wild adventure without her. However the more she learns about Jahoel the more appalled she becomes about his past. All the while the universe tear itself apart for the throne. Marie witness world after world fall to this madness and frankly gets tired of their shit. She joins Jahoel in his desire for the throne which slowly becomes her desire.

Alternate Version:
Dairy Entry 16
Hi, Marie again. Still trying to figure out how to tell my adopted cousin Jahoel I love him. For a while I thought that was the sum of my problems until this angel named Michael pops up. He tells me this nonsense about Jahoel being a fallen angel and once called The Destroyer. What does that even mean? Jahoel is harmless unless someone mess with me.

He wants to drag Jahoel into a three-way battle between the horsemen and angels for this Throne of God. He says if no one sits on it then the universe will drift back to its primal state being pure chaos. I’m just a teenager girl, these problems are way over my head. Just yesterday my biggest concern was college, marrying Jahoel and finding a cure for the period. Like seriously, I hate them.

Usually Jahoel is very stoic but Michael changed him by restoring his memories from his other life. Now he’s a new man with drives and ambitions. He wants to set off on this adventure across the stars to many worlds building a force to take the throne. Jahoel doesn't adventure, he sits in the corner and brood. He also had the audacity to think he is going without me. He should know better. Though the more familiar I become with this new Jahoel’s and his past, the harder it is to accept him. Everywhere our gang goes we birth disaster, but Jahoel still wants the throne and I want him. I guess I’ll have to get both.


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