I am assuming you posted another query? Otherwise you guys are all getting a basic form from the same place and its weird. The last line paragraph is so odd. Generally you just end with:
MANUSCRIPT is a MG Fantasy complete at 40,000 words. It will appeal to fans of The Lightning Theif and Deadweather and Sunrise: The Chronicles of Egg. (don't list three, pick two.)
Thank you for your time and consideration,
You don't need to say the stuff about simultaneously. It's a given. And so is your first line. Its sort of a, well duh, if your submitting to the agent then you looked to see if they want what your submitting, otherwise you'll get an insta-rejection. So you don't need to tell them that you did basic level research that all queriers should do.
No one wants to hear the "typical run of the mill kid" thing. SOMETHING needs to be special about your MC. That's why you want the agent to read, that's why you are telling their story. So pick something unique about your MC, don't say they're normal. Big cliche.
Clean it up:
Yours: When 12-year-old Aiden Greene, a typical, run-of-the-mill kid, encounters a beady-eyed goblin, who reveals that his parents were sent to a horrible place filled with creepy creatures, he has no choice, but to slip through his bedroom mirror into the secret, enchanted kingdom of Ann tar.
Mine: When 12-year-old Aiden Greene finds out his parents were sent to a horrible place filled with creepy creatures from a beady-eyed goblin, he has no choice but to slip through his bedroom mirror into the secret enchanted kindom of Ann tar.
The who reveals, encounters, is just unnecessary.
The whole second paragraph can go (its extremely telling)
Once inside, Aiden stumbles upon a clog-clicking gnome and his spunky science partner Emma--also trapped in Ann tar. (add something about how he teams up with them, and they embark on a quest to do WHAT? (the lilac sea is cool, but you gotta give us a why here. WHY the quest. What is Aiden's goal (saving his parents, I assume) and what is the gnome and emma's goal?)
Drop the dragon. It's cool, don't get me wrong, but feels info dump. focus on the conflict and stakes, which are the : battling with giant man-eating ogres and dueling with dark green witches in the Enhanced Forest.
These are things standing in their way to get to the key, they need the key why? (darkness stuff). And then mention that if Aiden isn't able to over come obstacles, he won't get the key, and he'll lose his parents forever.
For Aiden, the stakes are get the key, save his parents, not get the key, lose his parents. So the main conflict is whatever stands in his way to the key. Focus on those things.
MANUSCRIPT is a MG Fantasy complete at 40,000 words. It will appeal to fans of The Lightning Theif and Deadweather and Sunrise: The Chronicles of Egg. (don't list three, pick two.)
Thank you for your time and consideration,
You don't need to say the stuff about simultaneously. It's a given. And so is your first line. Its sort of a, well duh, if your submitting to the agent then you looked to see if they want what your submitting, otherwise you'll get an insta-rejection. So you don't need to tell them that you did basic level research that all queriers should do.
No one wants to hear the "typical run of the mill kid" thing. SOMETHING needs to be special about your MC. That's why you want the agent to read, that's why you are telling their story. So pick something unique about your MC, don't say they're normal. Big cliche.
Clean it up:
Yours: When 12-year-old Aiden Greene, a typical, run-of-the-mill kid, encounters a beady-eyed goblin, who reveals that his parents were sent to a horrible place filled with creepy creatures, he has no choice, but to slip through his bedroom mirror into the secret, enchanted kingdom of Ann tar.
Mine: When 12-year-old Aiden Greene finds out his parents were sent to a horrible place filled with creepy creatures from a beady-eyed goblin, he has no choice but to slip through his bedroom mirror into the secret enchanted kindom of Ann tar.
The who reveals, encounters, is just unnecessary.
The whole second paragraph can go (its extremely telling)
Once inside, Aiden stumbles upon a clog-clicking gnome and his spunky science partner Emma--also trapped in Ann tar. (add something about how he teams up with them, and they embark on a quest to do WHAT? (the lilac sea is cool, but you gotta give us a why here. WHY the quest. What is Aiden's goal (saving his parents, I assume) and what is the gnome and emma's goal?)
Drop the dragon. It's cool, don't get me wrong, but feels info dump. focus on the conflict and stakes, which are the : battling with giant man-eating ogres and dueling with dark green witches in the Enhanced Forest.
These are things standing in their way to get to the key, they need the key why? (darkness stuff). And then mention that if Aiden isn't able to over come obstacles, he won't get the key, and he'll lose his parents forever.
For Aiden, the stakes are get the key, save his parents, not get the key, lose his parents. So the main conflict is whatever stands in his way to the key. Focus on those things.