Middle-Grade Query Letter Help . . . Please :-)

[Kelsey]

You generally don't need to mention that other agents are considering it. Its a given. Agents, when they request, will sometimes ask you if other agents are reading, and you can mention it then. When you query its a given. Are you a self published author or published? If you are self published, make sure you make that distinction. If you are traditionally published, totally mention the books title, and who published it. Agents will want to know that.

While I am not personally a fan of putting the title and word count first, I think the way you did it is fine and might be best this way.

The first line is good, so is the second. I really like the second line, actually, it has voice and character, which is awesome!

But you fail to hit on of the most important query things on the head. The stakes! What are the stakes here? (also, rewrite so that not all your sentences are start with AND, BUT, or NOW. It will read more sophisticated if you can pull it off). You hint at the stakes: that they have to retrieve this stone or the haunting will continue, but I think it needs to be strengthened.

What is in their way from getting the stone? Why is getting the stone a challenge? If they don't get the stone, then the haunting will continue, which is a problem because of why?

You also get a little stuck in the "two conflicts" which do I choose issue. I'd say either focus on the magic stone, or the kidnapping, but not both. Either lay out the stakes of the kidnapping, or the magic stone, leave the other out. Otherwise you are throwing in a little too much.

Good luck.