Being trans and body dysphoria - what helps you get through it?

[Kaje]

Trans* individuals feel that their true gender does not match the body they were born with. Sometimes that translates into body dysphoria - the sense that the body you are in is wrong, does not fit, is not your own or is a trap your self is forced into. Sometimes it can become as intense as a sense of hating your own anatomy.

I know some trans, questioning and genderfluid teens. And not feeling at home in your own body is part of what makes being trans hard. Even when you are alone, a simple movement that causes those WRONG body parts to bounce, can be a vivid reminder of the incongruence between parts of yourself. And that's hard to keep facing.

This post was interesting as one person's view: 25 Things I Do To Make My Body Dysphoria Feel Smaller and Quieter - not so much for the specific suggestions as for the idea, an array of coping strategies that are helpful.

What about you? When you are up against that divide between body and soul, what (YA-plausible) things help you feel better?

[Melanie]

I've dealt with issues concerning my body image and gender identity my entire life, and it's always hard to find healthy ways to help yourself cope with the issues. That being said, there are a few things I've found that help tremendously.

1: Find clothes that you feel happy in, regardless of gender. Whether MtF, FtM, genderqueer or otherwise, sometimes the biggest difference can be made with something as small as the material your tank top is made of. It seems to be a popular angle to take in the TS portion of the T- community to bash on transvestites or crossdressers for some reason, but in truth there is an important idea that many of them embrace, and that's that occasionally how you perceive things is more important than the reality of the situation, and from a mental health angle this can help a lot with stress.

2: Find positive gender-atypical role models in popular fiction. Strong, powerful women or gentle, caring men have always existed in books and movies, just like in life, and sometimes finding and identifying with those fictional -- or occasionally even real! -- characters can help to escape the pain brought on by the feeling that you're living in a body that isn't yours. On top of that, gender-variant fiction is becoming increasingly common and less fetish-focused, giving both kids/young adults and their families access to positive stories involving gdner-variant youth to help inspire and educate.

3: Games. Not competitive or violent games, but games that allow you to explore, learn, and just BE. Role playing games are nice since you often have the option to build an avatar of yourself that possibly fits more with your ideal body image, but puzzle games can often be just as freeing by removing the gender issue from the experience entirely.

4: Exercise. While the "body parts bouncing" thing can be an issue, by staying active you can help to fight a lot of the body issues that many of us with gender identity issues face. Through exercise you can build up your shoulders or trim down your waist, emphasize or even decrease the size of your bust line... all things that, for one's gender identity, can go a long way toward improving your outlook. By exercising you show a desire to have control over your body and what it says about you, which is in itself a fairly healthy view to have. On top of that, to quote one of my favorite movies of all time, "Exercise produces endorphins; endorphins make you happy; and happy people don't kill their husbands."

5: Be artistic. Writing, drawing, playing music... these are all wonderful ways to use your emotions and express them through a healthy outlet. It doesn't matter how good or bad you perceive the end work to be, what's important is the cathartic release of simply expressing yourself. Best of all, with artistic expression you often have the useful advantage of transience to your expression: words can be deleted, pictures can be thrown away, and music never has to be played again, and what's more freeing than expressing your pain or frustration then being rid of it forever more? Or, if you wish, you can share your work with others, allowing you to find like-minded people to provide you with support and love.

6: Dream. Countless are the days I've only been able to live with myself by laying back, closing my eyes, and imagining the day I'll be myself: completely, truly, and openly. And, while the dreams involving fantasy or science fiction can often be rewarding and fun, dreaming more realistically is far more often the most inspiring route. There are things I know I will never be able to achieve in my lifetime, but by letting myself lay back and dream, I can focus on those things I CAN accomplish, and the sweetness that they will bring to my life.

[Kaje]

Great list, thank you!

[Jay]

Melanie wrote: "I've dealt with issues concerning my body image and gender identity my entire life, and it's always hard to find healthy ways to help yourself cope with the issues. That being said, there are a few..."

Those are great ways to help anyone dealing with self-image issues. It is cool to see such insight coming from within the Transgender community and the fact that other communities can benefit. Your entry really brightened my day. Even as a man pushing 60 and mostly comfortable in my own skin, I instantly saw ways in your list to make my own life better. Thanks.

[Melanie]

Jay D. wrote: "Melanie wrote: "I've dealt with issues concerning my body image and gender identity my entire life, and it's always hard to find healthy ways to help yourself cope with the issues. That being said,..."

Thank YOU. It makes me feel good to know that something I've said might help someone else.

[Serith]

Great list(s)! I especially like point 14 - read a book. They are not only awesome for escapism, but first person perspective can get you into the shoes of someone you would like to be, even if only for a moment. And -as Melanie pointed out- writing and games are good for that very reason too.

Something that personally helps me out with dysphonia is exploring what it is to be gender-queer. Being transgender wasn't a choice, but I feel gender-queer can be (to a degree). I am ftm but am too frightened to transition, so learning to accept my body is a big deal. I like to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with being a girl. Just because I have an ideal image of what I want my body to be does not mean that the form I’m stuck with is shameful in any way (just like someone wanting to lose weight should not be ashamed of their size). It just doesn’t match is all.

...That being said, there are days that the dysphonia gets so bad that I tell myself I'm simply in denial and using gender-queer as an excuse to hide my true self away. But it can be a comfort on the right days. So it's all fluid? That is why I mostly stick to that term - for simplicity sake.

But nothing feels better than full out cross-dressing for an evening. Can't do it all the time, though there is something really liberating when I do express it in real life. My friends are beyond awesome and will even throw cross-dressing parties and outings so none of us have to be alone.

[Jay]

Serith wrote: "Great list(s)! I especially like point 14 - read a book. They are not only awesome for escapism, but first person perspective can get you into the shoes of someone you would like to be, even if onl..."

One of my favorite students is a girl who is every bit as tough an athlete as any boy. She is open, friendly, tough, tender and unyielding. She is also the first girl at our school to be fully accepted when she came out. And she was the specialty kicker for our very competitive Football team during her senior year. Your insights now help me understand how much inner struggle went with her being herself. And yet, she never really shared that vulnerable side at school; she just made the rest of us want her to be herself in a magical way I cannot quite identify.

Thank you so much for sharing your personal struggles and insights.

[[deleted user]]

I am not trans but non-binary. However, I do often end up feeling dysphoric about my body in the same way. I was born with a female body. I don't necessarily feel I should have been born into a body with different parts so much as feel like I should be somewhere inbetween. While I do sometime have issues with the lower parts, most of mine concern the fact I have breasts. When I can, I wish to get top surgery to fix this.

In my own experience, dysphoria can be hard to deal with. If I have to go someplace, it can be very difficult to be able to walk out of the house. Usually I am in tears or very close to it. For me, dysphoria is no constant that ebbs and flows like tides. There is usually one day a week where it is particularly acute. While I may feel it multiple days a week, it is rarely as bad as that one day.

There are two things I have that help with this. The first is that I don't wear bras. I wear men's compression shirts that keep everything relatively secure. The two things that work well for this is that it is not meant for breasts, so I can pretend that it there for other reasons. For the same reason, it does not draw my emotional attention to the fact I have breasts the way a bra does. Also, it helps that the shirts are meant for cismen, not ciswomen. The other thing I like doing is lying down in bed in the dark. It becomes easier to ignore my body in general and feel more like just my mind. This separation helps with dysphoria because I am generally not as aware of my body. Sometimes I end up falling asleep and drowning out the worst of the dysphoria.

[Kaje]

<3

My younger kid is genderfluid and in a very similar position. Summer is hard, because binders are hot, and clothing is supposed to be lighter and less concealing. It took a fair bit of shopping to find workable clothes for this summer.

Thanks for the personal input. I hope it gets better for you, and that you can get surgery that works out as you wish it to.

[[deleted user]]

My mom is against the idea of me wearing binders because she is relatively sure I would end up wearing them more than the recommended time. Summer is definitely a challenge. It gets to be about niney Farenheit around here, and I really only have pants. I might get men's cargo shorts, but that is a serious wait and see.

[♫✯Em loves Hollenstein✯♫❤the summertime and butterflies all belong to your creation❤]

I'd love to get a binder, but I'm a) unsure of safe ones and websites and b) my parents don't believe in being trans*.

[[deleted user]]

My dad and stepmother don't. My mom and stepdad don't understand, but I think they're generally willing to believe it. My mom doesn't want me getting a binder and won't help me get top surgery though because if I want it that badly, then I should be willing to pay for it myself.

[Kaje]

My kids both wore binders (my son has now transitioned, my younger kid is fluid.) They are far safer than wearing something makeshift, like Ace bandages.

Hudson's Guide is one resource that talks about brands and issues for FTM - http://www.ftmguide.org/

At the same time, I have seen both kids close to overheating with summer wardrobe choices, and had discussions about safety. Loose clothes can be both concealing and cooler. There is no one answer. Dysphoria can lead people to make unsafe choices, but you can only do your best. I hope you both find in person support in your lives, and feel free to hang out here.

[[deleted user]]

Thank you. When I can get one, that will be a great resource. =)