Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA Sci-Fi query, need your help!
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I was always told never to say 'I'm seeking representation' because that's a given. You can simply go straight into the title and its specifics.The first sentence of the 2nd paragraph is... vague and clunky. I recommend tightening it up a bit before sending it.
Why do you have to send this tomorrow?
Here are some things I would change before sending it (or resending it, as the case may be).1) Dear Ms/Mrs/Mr _____ (You probably already know this, but you should definitely use the agent's actual name and not just have a form letter).
2) These THESE LIPS TELL LIES is a 68,000-word young adult sci-fi novel + Insert personalized tidbit here. (I agree with the above poster; it will already be obvious that you are seeking representation...from the e-mail subject line, if nothing else).
3) Until SHE and her classmates are finally free. (Using her as the subject is grammatically incorrect).
4) It’s becoming apparent to Joanna THAT something sinister LURKS behind the shroud of forged history and fabricated smiles. ("Its becoming apparent" followed by "is happening" sounds weak. I think this sentence could be further reworked).
5) Cryptic messages from Knox, A/THE young soldier with a (SHORT/NASTY) temper and familiar eyes, challenge everything she has been taught to believe. (For the sake of rhythm and/or parallelism, I'd add an adjective to describe Knox's temper. You can use either A/THE after the comma offsetting Knox's description. However, I personally prefer THE, but A is not wrong. The implication is just slightly different).
6) If Knox is telling the truth, thirty days from now they won’t be free. (!!) They’ll be dead. Harvested. (The change from longer to shorter sentences builds tension).
7) Escaping the system with Knox was one thing, but freedom isn’t as welcoming as JOANNA thought it would be. (This sentence could be reworked).
8) (Two options here).
a) Joanna MUST survive the outside world long enough to keep her promise(!!)—to liberate the others still under the thumb of the New Terra Alliance (!!) before it’s too late.
b) Joanna MUST survive the outside world long enough to keep her promise to liberate the others still under the thumb of the New Terra Alliance—before it’s too late.
9) THESE LIPS TELL LIES will appeal to fans of _______ and _______ (!! comma deleted) WHO enjoy reading ABOUT strong female protagonists. (You do not have to delete the comma, but with the comma it makes the following clause non-restricted and thus an optional characteristic of the fans of _____ and _____ that you are describing. I *think* your intention aligns more closely with the sentence without the comma).
10) (This is how I think the letter, as you have it, should end).
THESE LIPS TELL LIES will appeal to fans of _______ and _______ who enjoy reading about strong female protagonists.
Joanna is no damsel in distress.
Thank you,
Lea
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for THESE LIPS TELL LIES, a 68,000-word YA Sci-fi. + Insert personalized tidbit here.
Thirty days. That's how long seventeen-year-old Joanna has until she’s no longer a ward of the New Terra Alliance. Until her and her classmates are finally free.
If only it were that simple.
It’s becoming apparent to Joanna something sinister is happening behind the shroud of forged history and fabricated smiles. Cryptic messages from Knox, a young soldier with a temper and familiar eyes, challenge everything she has been taught to believe. If Knox is telling the truth, thirty days from now they won’t be free, they’ll be dead. Harvested.
Escaping the system with Knox was one thing, but freedom isn’t as welcoming as she thought it would be. It comes with a host of new dangers and responsibilities. Joanna will have to survive the outside world long enough to keep her promise; to liberate the others still under the thumb of the New Terra Alliance, before it’s too late.
THESE LIPS TELL LIES will appeal to fans of _______ and _______, whom enjoy reading strong female protagonists who are far from damsels in distress.
Thank you,
Lea