Another "please help with my blurb" thread

[J.]

I admit I don't post in here much (though I spend a lot of time reading). Not having had much success at all, I never quite feel that I have any business commenting on how to improve others' work.

Anyway, my latest novel (my first novel, actually, after a string of niche novellas) has been out for a couple of weeks, but I have never been satisfied with the blurb.

At the "soliciting beta readers" stage I wrote a different blurb each time, for each reader (to try out different approaches) and when it came time to publish, I went through a few drafts before settling on the one that currently exists.

However, all of the attempts were basically along the same essential lines (even if they were somewhat substantively different). I like the quick and punchy approach - with a heavy smattering of that old "Radio Times Doctor Who listing" method of asking questions about the plot to come. But just because that's what I like, doesn't mean it's what's best...

As I said, the one I went with never quite sat right with me, so... a little help? Pretty please?

The book is here:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01KAGPE7M

The blurb reads:

Six teenagers, strangers, from all across America. Nothing to connect any of them to the others.

So why do they find themselves together, in a strange part of the country, every time they sleep?

Kaz Harper has enough to worry about navigating high school and enduring her unhappy home life. The last thing she needs is something like this. But it doesn't look like she's getting a choice in the matter.

When living scarecrows start attacking Kaz and her newfound friends, she'll be forced to learn whether her video game skills can translate into real life combat. And to try to discover the truth that lies behind this endless Sleepwar.

Any insights are appreciated.

[Jane]

I think you have something in this already.

I'd go a bit like this;

Six teenagers from all across America; there's nothing to connect any of them to any other. Why do they find themselves together in a strange place every time they fall asleep?

Kaz Harper has enough to endure without this anomaly, but nobody is offering her a choice. When living scarecrows start to prey on the teenagers Kaz will be forced to learn whether her video games skill can translate, and search for the truth behind the Sleepwar

[K.J.]

I hope you don't mind. I love playing around with blurbs. This is a quick, rough one that might help.

They say about meeting the person of your dreams, but what about meeting a person in your dreams? Six teenagers from the far corners of America have somehow managed to do just that; thrown into each other's company every time they close their eyes.

Kaz Harper has enough to worry about navigating high school and enduring an unhappy home life without having to deal with bizarre nocturnal escapades.

When living scarecrows start attacking Kaz and her newfound dream buddies, she'll be forced to learn whether her video game skills can translate into real life combat, and if that will be enough to help her discover the truth behind her endless sleepwar.

[J.]

Thanks guys.

You're right that it doesn't begin with enough punch. But I also want to make sure I avoid any "One, two, Freddy's coming for you" connotations.

Here's a complete revision that incorporates some of your ideas. Is this better? Worse? Just different?

For most, sleep is the cradle that rocks us, that soothes us, that keeps us safe each night. For Kaz Harper, this is no longer true.

She and five strangers now find themselves together in another part of the country when they sleep - and they are not alone.

As if high school and an unhappy home life weren't enough, now Kaz has this to deal with? Each night, every night, she and her newfound friends are attacked by a real-life nightmare: scarecrows that walk!

Can her video game skills translate to actual, physical combat? And just what will it take to put an end to this mysterious Sleepwar?

[K.J.]

I agree- it is better.

[J.]

Thanks for the help, guys.

(Although... does "better" mean "good"? Or do I still have a ways to go before I actually replace the blurb?)

[Shirley]

I think the original blurb is the best. It caught my attention and made me think I might want to read this book like none of the other later ones did. My only suggestion would be to change the line, "The last thing she needs... into "The last thing she needs are living scarecrows attacking her and her friends. Now she'll be forced to learn etc.
I wouldn't change anything else.

[Cynthia]

If I may jump in, I'm confused by "find themselves in a different part of the country" meaning they're in New York and now they're in Kansas? Does that mean all of the strangers start out in the same place? Is the place important? That's the one line that really trips me up.

[J.]

Cynthia wrote: "If I may jump in, I'm confused by "find themselves in a different part of the country" meaning they're in New York and now they're in Kansas? Does that mean all of the strangers start out in the sa..."

I guess the original blurb made this clearer, so I could fix that. The first one mentioned that they are from all across America - this second one doesn't. So there's that...

I just want to suggest that they're nowhere near any of their homes when they sleep. Just to get across the main part of the basic setup.

What do you think about which version of the blurb is better?

[J.]

I made a couple of minor changes to see if this fixes anything:

Sleep should be the cradle that rocks us, that soothes us, that keeps us safe each night. For Kaz Harper, this is no longer true.

She and five strangers from across the country now find themselves together when they sleep - and they are not alone.

As if high school and an unhappy home life weren't enough, now Kaz has this to deal with? At night, every night, she and her newfound friends are attacked by a real-life nightmare: scarecrows that walk!

Can her video game skills translate to actual, physical combat? And just what will it take to put an end to this mysterious Sleepwar?

[Matt]

I think your original blurb has most of the “oomph” you're looking for. Some suggestions:

"Six teenagers, strangers, from all across America. Nothing to connect any of them to the others. "

The first sentence mentions they're strangers; no need to reiterate that point in the very next sentence.

Also, "strangers" just seems to be thrown in there oddly. How about: "Six strangers from all across America, all teenagers whose dreams have been the normal dreams of kids their age."

"So why do they find themselves together, in a strange part of the country, every time they sleep?"

“Find themselves together” is a bit weak. I'd put “thrown” instead of “find,” or some other strong verb. Also, they're not technically in a “strange part of the country” when they're sleeping; they're in a dreamscape that resembles this “strange part.” And how is it strange? Is it dark and ominous or filled with bright rainbows and talking sunflowers?

"Kaz Harper has enough to worry about navigating high school and enduring her unhappy home life. The last thing she needs is something like this. But it doesn't look like she's getting a choice in the matter."

The syntax of the first sentence feels off to me. How about: “Between the drama and angst of high school and her unhappy home life, Kaz has enough to worry about.”

I like the last two sentences.

"When living scarecrows start attacking Kaz and her newfound friends, she'll be forced to learn whether her video game skills can translate into real life combat. And to try to discover the truth that lies behind this endless Sleepwar."

This is confusing. These are “living” scarecrows attacking them in “real life,” right? But up until this point, you've set it up to make us think that the battle is going to occur in this strange sleep world.

Does the battle start there, and then bleed out into the real world? Whatever the case, it needs to be made clear.

Also, “the endless Sleepwar” instead of “this endless Sleepwar.” The definite article gives it more force. If you use “this,” it sounds like there are numerous Sleepwars going on, and the characters happen to be caught up in a particular one.

Then again, you may be writing a series of books dealing with various Sleepwars. In that case, your sentence construction would be different.

Here's my suggestion for a complete blurb:

"Six strangers from all across America, all teenagers whose dreams have been the normal dreams of kids their age."

So why are they now thrown together into a terrifying, war-torn dreamscape every time they sleep?

Between the drama and angst of high school and her unhappy home life, Kaz has enough to worry about. The last thing she needs is something like this. But it doesn't look like she's getting a choice in the matter.

When the war spills from the dreamworld out into reality, Kaz will be forced to learn whether her video game skills can translate into real life combat – and she'll need to discover the truth that lies behind the endless Sleepwar.”

I still think this can be better, however.

Several other concerns: Kaz is obviously the protagonist, but her newfound friends sound like an afterthought. More detail is needed; they're her comrades-in-arms, right? (The new blurb you wrote does address this.)

Also, “video game skills” comes out of left field. How can “video game skills” help someone in real-life combat? Are the physics of the dreamworld somehow similar to a video game, and is this logic spilling out into reality? If so, what kind of video game? First-person shooter? Platformer? RPG?

Hope this helps.

[J.]

Thanks for the comments.

Your confusion on one of the issues shows me that I have some ways to go in explaining the basic concept succinctly in the blurb.

When they sleep, the six teens really are in another part of the country - not a dream version of it. It takes some time before they accept that this is the case, but it really is the real world.

That is what I thought I was conveying with "together in a strange part of the country" ("strange" meaning "unknown to all of them", not "highly unusual") but this obviously didn't fully come across.

I don't want to bog it down with too many details, but Kaz is an experienced MMORPG leader, used to marshaling the troops online. These skills serve her well in battling the enemy alongside her new friends.

Let me have another go at this and see if it is any better:

Six strangers from all across America, teenagers whose dreams have always been safe, pleasant, normal.

So why are they now thrown together into a part of the country they've never been, every time they fall asleep?

With an unhappy home life, and all the angst and drama of high school, Kaz Harper just wants to sit in peace and play her video games. The last thing she needs is a real-life version of that kind of conflict.

But when living scarecrows start attacking Kaz and her newfound friends every night, she'll be forced to adapt the best way she can. And together, maybe they can win against all odds - and discover the truth that lies behind the endless Sleepwar.

[Matt]

“When they sleep, the six teens really are in another part of the country - not a dream version of it. It takes some time before they accept that this is the case, but it really is the real world.”

So their sleep-selves/astral projections/whatever are translated into the real world? How does this work? Is it like Professor X or some comic book telepath projecting a translucent, intangible image, or are these solid bodies we're talking about?

Yes, I'm still confused about the whole idea.

“Six strangers from all across America, teenagers whose dreams have always been safe, pleasant, normal.”

This is great. Much better than the clunky sentence I presented.

EDIT: On second thought...."always safe, pleasant, normal"? Surely they've had nightmares?

“With an unhappy home life, and all the angst and drama of high school, Kaz Harper just wants to sit in peace and play her video games. The last thing she needs is a real-life version of that kind of conflict.”

Again, I think you need to be specific. “That kind of conflict” – which kind? Yes, you mention she's a gamer, but Mario squishing goombas is vastly different from a World of Warcraft character slinging spells.

“But when living scarecrows start attacking Kaz and her newfound friends every night, she'll be forced to adapt the best way she can. And together, maybe they can win against all odds - and discover the truth that lies behind the endless Sleepwar.”

I think you should introduce the living scarecrows earlier. You mention Kaz and Co. are transported somewhere, and that there is a “real-life version of that kind of conflict,” and then you write “But when....” as if this is a new, separate crisis.

“Adapt the best way she can” – again, some specificity. You mention Kaz is a leader in the MMORPG world, so say that: “....she'll be forced to take charge, as she has countless times in the MMORPGs you plays.”

And again, I have to wonder how MMORPG leadership translates into actual combat. You've given me more information, so I assume the scarecrows and this Sleepwar are very similar to enemies and conflicts in MMORPG worlds, and that Kaz and Co. acquire weapons and magic to save the day, but I've already made several assumptions that were incorrect, as you've pointed out.

Also, MMORPGs are played by millions; by not mentioning them in your blurb, you're burying the thing that may very well attract the most readers.

Conversely, if someone starts reading your book and hates MMOs, they may put it down after ten pages. You can be clear on genre and basic plot while still leaving some mystery to intrigue the reader.

EDIT: changed last paragraph.

[John]

Can her video game skills translate to actual, physical combat? And just what will it take to put an end to this mysterious Sleepwar?

I would leave that last part over. Suddenly there's a sleepwar? Suddenly there's video game skills?

Leaving some mystery is a good thing.

My thoughts anyway. Otherwise, it's intriguing.

Reminds me of an old movie called Dreamscape where the real action happens in dreams.

Best of luck with your works.

John