Do You Want to Crit My Query?

[Danielle]

The first paragraph is a little confusing to me. Drugs are expensive I guess I don't understand how that coincides with the rest. I also feel like the beginning of the query is too light. I mean she gets abused, it should feel a little darker than humorous or indifferent.
But I like the second half. I find it intriguing and it sets the mood of the story.

[Sara Without An H]

It sounds intersting, and I like that you can hear the characters voice.

However, a few confusing sentences:
"It’ll mean moving to Unalaska, a tiny island four thousand miles from L.A. and her crazy ex, which sounds...just about right."
What, her crazy ex is coming? It confused me on the first read, which isn't great.

"After all, if you aren’t attracted to someone when you first meet, it’s not like your feelings can change."
This sounds a bit like it should have a ", right?" at the end. Also, its a little cliched.

"about recovery from trauma as two extremely imperfect people figure out how to become whole. "
Also, isn't this implying that romance making people whole? Wouldn't that go against any trauma study, ever? I studied Trauma as my major, that is kinda inaccurate and a little ignorant.

Hope I'm not being to harsh, the idea seems pretty cool, I think you just need to remove some of the cliches.

[Jessamy]

No, not too harsh. Glad to hear that perspective about trauma because that's not what I meant (or what it says, but I can see what you mean.) Thanks for the feedback.

[Matt]

If Jachin needs a full-time caretaker for his grandmother, why wouldn't he just hire Nain? Even if money is tight, he could provide a work-for-accommodation type situation: "The entire second story of grandma's house is yours - she can't climb stairs anymore - and we'll provide meals. She still knows how to cook, if she has someone to help her, so you won't starve, trust me! Come out here for a while and clear your head."

Getting married because your grandmother needs help is a little far-fetched. It sounds like the plot of a rom-com, not a novel about trauma. Then again, you may be going for a black comedy-type angle.

Also, how is Jachin "extremely imperfect"? We know Nain's issues, and we know that Jachin's grandmother needs care, but we aren't told what problems Jachin himself is dealing with. Why does he need to "become whole"?

As others have noted, your writing style in this query is breezy. On first glance, it doesn't seem to fit the subject matter, but again, you may be trying to approach this from a different angle.

[N.L.Welch]

Hi Jessamy,

From the queries I have seen this one sounds more like a blurb. A query needs to be punchy, concise and water tight. I had to read it about three times and I am still not clear about the storyline.

Just a few points - I didn't understand why you put 'And then Brent makes sure she’s not pretty anymore.' - which sounds horrific - but follow it with 'Which is fine.'

Also why is meeting up with her old friend pathetic? When I read this it gave me the impression that you have written like everyone has already read the book which is a common pitfall. You know the story inside out, back to front but remember we don't.

The tone of writing is a mixed bag and I feel you need to find your angle like others have said. There are plenty of examples and articles about how to write a query maybe these could help?

I love the name of the book and the idea behind it, sounds like a great read and has peaked my interest.

Hope this helps and good luck! :)