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Blurb help please
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Okay, this is obviously outta my realm. And personally, I'm not a huge fan of long, synopsis-type blurbs. My eyeballs just kinda glaze over hahaha!! Sorry, Sir Ian! But here's what I would do with what you have...Book one
General Grigori Timoshenko wants to build a defence force capable of deterring advanced aliens
And all Jonathon Munro wants is to be an important corporate,
To be honest, it still doesn't grab my attention. The only character I was even remotely interested in was Jonathon. And even then, meh. I want something more punchy. Something that really draws me in. Something that makes me go, "Ooooh! I MUST know what happens!!"
Hope that helps a bit...?
Hugs,
Ann
P.S. - Hope it's okay to say...
You gotta watch your tense. It switches from present to past and back to present. If I'm overstepping, please ignore me *smirks*
EDIT: I got confused by the strikethrough lines LMAO!!
Annie wrote: "Okay, this is obviously outta my realm. And personally, I'm not a huge fan of long, synopsis-type blurbs. My eyeballs just kinda glaze over hahaha!! Sorry, Sir Ian! But here's what I would do with ..."What bothers me is "it still doesn't grab my attention". I know what you mean. Your suggestion of focussing on Jonathon might be a better option. I'll think on it, and thanks for your thoughts.
Okay, I totally can't help myself...*begs forgiveness*
Book one ended with [something interesting] and now the Earth's economy is dominated by giant corporations. While each person has their own goals, most are striving for [something positive].
Except one man: Jonathon Munro. Rent with greed and envy, he is consumed by his personal quest for power [or whatever the heck he's seeking] and goes down a path of corruption, which threatens [the greater good/mission/etc].
Will [the good guys] be able to stop him? Or will Jonathon destroy [everything they hold dear]?
Okay. I'm stopping now. I swear haha!
Giant hugs,
Ann
Is dreams defiled book one of the trilogy or book to? Is dreams defiled book one of the trilogy or book to?
Oh, crap! I kinda assumed it was book two based off the blurb but...Was that just a past tense thing? *scratches head* Sir Ian?
Ian wrote: "I need a better blurb for my ebook "Dreams defiled". Here is my draft - feel free to criticise, take an axe to it, or even a katana!Book one of the trilogy had an expedition discover an alien mes..."
It's fine!
Tara wrote: "Is dreams defiled book one of the trilogy or book to? Is dreams defiled book one of the trilogy or book to?"Book two. The first para was for people who had not read Book one, and to remind those who had.
Ian wrote: "focussing on Jonathon might be a better option"it depends on who the main characters are, but i guess all 3 of them are MCs. although i did notice that Jonathon Munro(s) is the title of the 3rd book in the trilogy. (Ann has good instincts.)
in a blurb, 2 MCs are workable, but 3 tends to disperse the effect. here's your current one:
As the party that saw the first evidence of alien civilization leave Cydonia, they each had dreams of what their future would hold. All Nathan Gill wanted was to be left alone. Grigori Timoshenko wanted to build a defence force capable of deterring advanced aliens, Fiona Bolton wanted to make life fair for the independents, Sharon Galloway wanted to successfully manage the greatest engineering feat in human history, while Jonathon Munro wanted to be important. They should have taken more notice of the saying, be careful what you wish for: dreams rarely correspond to reality, and in this dystopian future, murder and sabotage make achieving dreams unusually difficult, while there is more to the alien hologram than meets the eye. The very worst aspects of a dysfunctional society ensured that nothing was to turn out as they dreamed."in which you mention murder and sabotage and in your new blurb you mention that it's a thriller. that's good. you could focus on the central question of the story: murder and sabotage.
that's what Ann was trying to do in the last paragraph of her last blurb attempt.
Alex G wrote: "Ian wrote: "focussing on Jonathon might be a better option"it depends on who the main characters are, but i guess all 3 of them are MCs. although i did notice that Jonathon Munro(s) is the title ..."
Thanks, Alex. I shall try one with just 2 characters. Give me a day and I shall add it to this thread.
IanCould I have a bit more explanation of the treaty reference? It is not clear to me exactly who are participants, when they drew it up and agreed toit and under what circumstances. Did this happen before the story takes place? Do the characters know about the treaty or is this known to the leaders? Are the Martians prominet in the story or is that more of a book 2 or 3 arc?
With the backing of a powerful international corporate federation General Grigori Timoshenko is tasked with building a defense system capable of destroying a newly discovered alien consortium from Mars. He assembles a top secret team of experts to design and implement the most advanced military strike force known to man. But with his own hidden agenda is Timoshenko's mission as honorable as it seems and who, among his recruits is not quite what they seem?
Hi Tara,That's a good one.
Summarises neatly and asks an interesting question.
Thanks Graeme :)I confess I don't think I did a great job because I'm a little fuzzy on the details. Maybe if Ian can flush it out a bit more for me I could do a better job?
My opinion for what it's worth: Ian, it seems you offer a huge story!, but the blurb filled with so many names, details and lines, kinda drowns the punchlines and becomes confusing. I like Ann's take as well as Tara's for the brevity and attempt to stress major conflicts. I'm not sure you even need to mention previous book in the blurb.The blurb, as I understand, is a pitch for a reader, aimed to entice the prospective one, rather than tell him/her what it's about
Tara wrote: "IanCould I have a bit more explanation of the treaty reference? It is not clear to me exactly who are participants, when they drew it up and agreed toit and under what circumstances. Did this happ..."
Those who received the alien message only received a hint that there was such a problem, with no further explanation.
All of these books I have written are actually part of an even bigger over-archng story, but little hints are given earlier. In book 1, an astronomer picks up a signal from a nearby star and deduces the inhabitants use a numbering system to base 6. Can you guess what that means? Answer tomorrow, after guesses are in.
However, the treaty, as explained in a much later book, is between two advanced alien species, and the nearby one is forbidden to enter this system until humans leave it, OR become aware of the aliens. I put this in the blurb because it is a major crisis for the story here, BUT maybe it is not sufficiently important.
Alex G wrote: "They have 6 fingers."No, they have two and a thumb; they also have two hands.
I think you need to care about one of the characters: Fiona thought she had four friends, but she really has four enemies, all vying to bring her down. The description sounds more like drama with SF around it than SF, meaning they all sound kind of selfish, which is ok, but it's hard to relate to anyone as described above.
Next proposed version:In Book one, Giant corporations dominate Earth's economy, while some independents struggle. The book ends after an expedition on Mars discovered an alien message: humanity should not go into space until its society becomes more mature.
In Dreams Defiled Fiona Bolton becomes a member of the Federation Council, the most powerful body on Earth, and she is a strong advocate for the independents. Sharon Galloway has an illegitimate son by Jonathon Munro, and she is the fastest rising star in the corporate world. Jonathon Munro is part of the Black Ops part of GenCorp, only to find that being good at murder does not lead to public advancement. Rent with greed and envy, Jonathon cannot stand the thought that those two are so far ahead of him. He will do anything to stop them achieving their dreams, but can he succeed in his? And do their personal aims cause them to overlook the alien threat? A thriller set in the mid 22nd century.
Alex G wrote: "They have 6 fingers."One other clue - the star is Epsilon eridani, which is only 900 million years old, so there was no chance of intelligent life having evolved there from scratch.
Oops. I forgot to actually help haha! I dig this line: "Jonathon Munro is part of the Black Ops part of GenCorp, only to find that being good at murder does not lead to public advancement."
There's potential here for something compelling, imho.
Hugs,
Ann
Annie wrote: "Oops. I forgot to actually help haha! I dig this line: "Jonathon Munro is part of the Black Ops part of GenCorp, only to find that being good at murder does not lead to public advancement."
Ther..."
Hugs back. Thanks for the comments.
Ian
Hey! Come back this instant, Sir Ian!!*smiles sweetly*
Did I win the guessing game...?
Annie wrote: "Hey! Come back this instant, Sir Ian!!*smiles sweetly*
Did I win the guessing game...?"
Sorry - I can't find your guess :-(
Ian wrote: "Next proposed version:In Book one, Giant corporations dominate Earth's economy, while some independents struggle. The book ends after an expedition on Mars discovered an alien message: humanity s..."
I think this one is much clearer and sets the conflict visible, while still containing strong magnets such as "aliens". I still don't think mentioning of the previous book is necessary and would probably further simplify the sentences to be more snappier. I don't think "In Dreams Defile..." is necessary as it's obvious, for example
Okay, I'm gonna do something naughty again...In [book one] [someone] becomes a member of [something], the most powerful body on Earth, and she is a strong advocate for [some people]. [Someone else] has an illegitimate son by [some dude], and she is the fastest rising star in the corporate world. [This dude] is part of [some organization], only to find that being good at murder does not lead to public advancement. Rent with greed and envy, [this dude] cannot stand the thought that those two are so far ahead of him. He will do anything to stop them achieving their dreams, but can he succeed in his? And do their personal aims cause them to overlook the alien threat? A thriller set in the mid 22nd century.
Question for Sir Ian: Is it still interesting to you? Does it still draw you in? Does it still make you wanna open the book?
If yes then you have a winner. If no then....yeah.
Remember that readers are not invested in your characters like you are. In fact, the majority won't even know who the heck they are, eh? Anyhoo, hope that helps a bit and isn't too annoying hahaha!!
Hugs,
Ann
P.S. - Please refer to message 22. My guess: Creation of Man. Did I win?
Annie wrote: "Okay, I'm gonna do something naughty again...In [book one] [someone] becomes a member of [something], the most powerful body on Earth, and she is a strong advocate for [some people]. [Someone els..."
i was eating a madeleine for breakfast this morning and had a sudden remembrance of things past:
the story questiona one sentence question that your story needs to answer. you can hang your blurb off of that.
http://jimbutcher.livejournal.com/
and search for "story question"
Are the aliens a threat to humanity? That part is not coming through. They usually are. I would skip the part about the 'seat belt.' :-)
It sounds like Grigori is the only one who appreciates the grave threat. Maybe it proves the point the aliens have about humanity not deserving to live since they are not getting their act together.
Are humans no longer good enough for earth? Do they not 'deserve' the most habitable planet in the galaxy?
(This is the question or thought I have after reading about all their personal agendas.)
Is it like Sodom and Gomorrah - find one just man and the city will be saved? That type of thing/warning? Basically, I don't get a feeling of impending disaster being disregarded. Or is the disaster so far away, they are imploding because they can't handle it? Is Grigori the only one who is keeping his wits about him, or willing to put his own personal gain aside (and of course he is putting it first if he is focused on the real problem). That works too.
Thanks everyone. I think we have thrashed this around enough, and now I have to think about it. But it has been a valuable exercise for me.My puzzle. Sorry Annie, not the creation of man - rather the possible destruction of man. The aliens are evolved theropods, hence the two fingers and thumb. The concept is, about 65 million years ago, some super aliens transferred life from earth to this planet too young for life to have evolved, and they have become civilised. When they had their Darwinian "theory of evolution" they found there were no fossils prior to 65 My, which meant they were created - their bible just got the dates wrong, so they developed a theocracy. The problem is, some priests have decided that they had a holy obligation to remove those pesky mammals from the planet of creation. That's the basis of my novel "Ranh", but I couldn't resist giving "impending signs" in this one.
Tim wrote: "M.L. wrote: Are humans no longer good enough for earth? Do they not 'deserve' the most habitable planet in the galaxy?Of course not. We've ruined the place. Every other life form on planet Earth ..."
No, they/we can't exist without other life forms.
Maybe the crux is The Rise of the Theropods or . . . Laws of De-evolution. (Ok, done! Good luck!)
Book one of the trilogy had an expedition discover an alien message on Mars: if humanity intended to go into space, it must clean up its act, and also, once humanity became aware of aliens, a treaty protecting it would expire. Each agrees to keep it secret, and to follow plans to reform society.
In Dreams Defiled General Grigori Timoshenko wants to build a defence force capable of deterring advanced aliens but without saying why, and to help him, he helps Fiona Bolton become a member of the Federation Council. Giant corporations essentially run Earth's economy, and when on the Council, Fiona wants to make life better for those outside the corporations. Sharon Galloway is given the opportunity to manage the greatest engineering feat in human history, a city in space at an Earth-Moon Lagrange point. All Jonathon Munro wants is to be an important corporate, and he joins the Black Ops part of GenCorp, only to find that being good at a secret operation does not lead to advancement. Rent with greed and envy, Jonathon would not accept others doing better than he was doing, and he goes down a path of ever increasing evilness. The very worst aspects of a dysfunctional society together with their character defects ensured that nothing was to turn out as any of them dreamed. A thriller set in the mid 22nd century involving corruption, science, Mars, economics, and governance.