The Private Rage of George

[Andrew]

This is my workshop piece...where I began writing and where I return from time to time. It isnt finished, contains an alarming number if references to genitalia and is quite possibly not your cup of tea. I have a fair idea of where it is headed but I'm far from done. I rewrite and edit it constantly, almost to distraction, and nobody has ever read past chapter 6 so I'm hoping someone will be able to give it to me straight and let me know how it works as it develops. I am very fond of the characters, even the ones that aren't very likeable, but I'd love to have someone challenge me and point out perhaps areas that aren't holding up. Don't struggle on if you find it either offensive or in poor taste....it is meant to be a book about frustration with one's lot. I can probably get copies in word or pdf format to those who fancy delving into my warped little book after Nights of Old finished its stint on the 29th July.

[James]

chuck me a copy Andrew. My email address is at the top of your inbox.

[Corben]

And to me, Abe/Andrew. Word or PDF is fine. corben dot duke at gmail dot com

This is the one that starts with a bus ride isn't it? See, I remember.

Ta

[Will]

yes please. Will at will-once.com

[Rob]

Hi Andrew. I've now read all you've written on TPROG.

It works very well and although you'd already warned us it was unfinished, I still found myself sagging with disappointment when I got to the end and realised I wasn't going to see how it all worked out.

The stuff I most liked was the casual but densely packed humour; the gags-to-page ratio is very impressive, and there is always lots to smile about. It comes out especially well in the dialogue and in your throw-away narrative descriptions.

You've changed the structure since I first read this. Now, that opening bus-ride is part of an extended flashback. I think the new intro - the confrontation with the Inspector - changes the tone nicely, as does the chapter 1 back-story about G's friendship with Frank.

If I remember your previous draft rightly, anyone reading just the opening pages (perhaps checking out the free Amazon preview) might easily have formed the wrong impression: that this was just going to be a tale of a lonely, frustrated loser getting increasingly angry with life. I'm sure they would still have appreciated the comic language but, as a thing to commit to, a whole novel about a man's internalised fury would be a pretty daunting prospect. Back in the days of Autho, I seem to recall a few people read the first chapter or so and reacted against the (imagined) violence and felt it might be a bit over the top.

Now, though, we start from the premise that this is a story about a man who's had some sort of epiphany; that this isn't going to be a protracted description of one man's bitterness and frustration. Now, we can see that this might turn out to be a satisfying escapist adventure. We also see that he has friends, which adds lightness and colour to the picture.

The new draft, then, seems to be going in very much the right direction. It's hard to tell at this stage how much longer the story will run, so I'm not sure what I can say about pacing, except that it flows well.

Structurally, it's interesting but, for me, there were pros and cons to that. You use a series of parenthetic flashbacks, one nested in another. We start with the inspector (in the present period), then we go back to G's school days, then to the party period in the near present, then back to a recollection of a university-era cinema date, then to the post-party hospital ward, then (in chapter 7), back to the post-cinema date. Then, in chapter 8, we're back at the teaching job. That's certainly a good way of adding the back-story and it allows you to throw in some good comic scenes. However, it does add complexity, with different scenes and later-recurring characters appearing at different times in G's life.

Each chapter is fun and delivers plenty of entertainment, but those interweaving timelines force the reader to think quite hard to keep track of where things are. That's not a terrible thing but that same complexity also coincides with an important, pivotal moment - i.e. George's realisation that life could be lived differently. Later on, when I tried to think back to when his realisation occurred, I found I was struggling to remember what it was that actually prompted his change of thinking. (I know now because, in writing this, I've scanned back and found the passage in question, but it didn't come easily to mind that first time around. Others may feel differently, of course.)

In chapters 1 to 8, things are very firmly rooted in G's viewpoint. In chapter 9, you introduce Heather, and I liked the breathing space that this change of perspective affords. However, after such a long period with just one perspective, it seemed surprising. I don't know whether that element of surprise is good or bad. I definitely like the fact that there are other perspectives in the story, but I wonder if there might be scope to introduce them earlier. That way, you could signal to people that this is a multi-perspective narrative and the shift in chapter 9 wouldn't then be so unexpected.

I liked the whole thing about Heather and her serial killer suspicion but, to be honest, I did feel the chapter relied a bit too heavily on the 'who's Dave?' question. I think the majority of readers will guess pretty quickly that she's making a false assumption. If you let that run on too long, it could feel a bit laboured and unlikely. That said, some of the lines and misconceptions associated with it ('grooming' and so on) were very funny.

Those were really the only issues that stood out to me. Just occasionally, some sentences seem to run on a bit long, as if you've been keen to squeeze in an extra thought or gag, and so I thought some of them might be better broken into two. But the jokes and the silliness are delivered at an enviable pace and the storyline as a whole is fun and absorbing. TPROG is an impressive work and it rattles along very nicely. (Having read yours, I think I'm now going to have to return to mine and shoehorn in a lot more gags. My current draft feels like a tragedy by comparison.)

Finally, I noted a number of typos on my Kindle, but it will take me a while to copy them over onto something I can send you. I'll do that when I have more time.

[Andrew]

Rob, as the dawn of my 40th birthday looms with the rising of the sun hours hence I am truly delighted that your comments got to me while I'm still a spritely 39. Firstly I have to thank you; honestly, you have a better insight into my writing than I do, your observations are very much appreciated as they confirm some of my own questions about this piece. I have to say that you are able to offer a fabulous and eloquent, well-informed series of helpful comments that I myself couldn't possibly hope to furnish anyone else with and for that I feel truly embarrassed. If onoly I could analyse my own and others' work as well. Honestly Rob, I am in your debt...if you ever need someone to hold your towel during a book signing I'm your guy, and I'll still be in your debt.

I know a guy, well I knew him when I was 16 - 19 and he's now a published, reasonably well-known author. I'm not in regular touch with him and only recently read one of his novels. He wove a complicated timeline into his story that made me realise my own timeline was (as you said) a little confusing. I'm now thinking carefully about how to weave Heather and Hugh into the action much earlier to shift the emphasis from George to the various characters. I'm going to need to go through his book again to see how he did it.

I'm not well-versed in literary techniques but he used the asterisk to separate ideas within large chunks of text to jump from story to story and I'm going to have to see how I might use this to bring several characters into the action at the same time. This means a major overhaul of chapter order and may affect some new twists that I have in mind (not in the version I sent you). The typos are probably the ones I noticed recently on going through it, but I haven't done anything about them yet. I will. Thanks for that. I will be honest with you, I haven't decided how TPROG ends yet, I have several choices to make. Perhaps my re-jigging will give me a clear idea of where to go. I'm enjoying this book, I will finish it and learn a lot and you have already given me a lot to think about. I'm glad the new start worked better for you, I'm trimming a lot of fat as I go and will continue to do so.

So, thank you for the time you have taken for your very honest and insightful words. That means so much. I will make a greater effort myself to respond in kind as we continue to share our various bits and pieces here.

[Rob]

Andrew wrote: "Rob, as the dawn of my 40th birthday looms with the rising of the sun hours hence I am truly delighted that your comments got to me while I'm still a spritely 39. Firstly I have to thank you..."

Well, good heavens, Andy; a quick 'cheers' would have done. You're more than welcome. One of the great benefits of doing stuff like this is that it provides new inspiration. In the case of reading TPROG, I wasn't kidding about the joke count. It made me think that I need to stuff a lot more outright comedy into mine, rather than make it just a light-hearted adventure.

For cleverly structured narratives, I often think about the various works by the much-missed Iain (M) Banks. Look at something like his 'Use of Weapons' or 'Transitions' and you'll see he allows himself immense latitude to play around with different people's perspectives, flashbacks and more. It's very cleverly done, and how he does that while a) keeping the reader on side and b) keeping the dramatic tension going, is quite astounding.

Having multiple perspectives within a chapter is perfectly acceptable, in my view, provided that the different sections are identified as such - e.g. with a couple of asterisks or even just an extra line space. So long as we avoid obvious head-hopping in a single section, readers will have no problem with it. I can see that would work well in TPROG, and it might allow you to introduce other characters earlier on without having to re-engineer too much of the existing story.

It will be interesting to see what the others make of it. I'd be fascinated to see how you bring it to a conclusion. Best of luck, anyway.

[Corben]

Hi Andrew/Abe,

I’m afraid my comments won’t be as useful as Rob’s. He’s good that boy.

I’ve read half the extract that you sent and I think TPROG is very amusing. It had me LOLling quite a bit and you’ve managed to pack a lot of gags/page into the story. In particular the opening few chapters are packed full of LOLs and it’s clear there’s a very imaginative mind at work.

I particularly like the scenes with teacher George in the school environment. They feel real and he interacts very well with the other teachers and students. I found myself really looking forward to those scenes and the comedy is great. I was a little perplexed about what caused him to go from hating school to later (after his testicular issue) loving it. I think I must have missed something.

I read some of this when it was on Authonomy and I see you’ve nudged George’s bus journey a bit further into the book which I think is the right thing to do. I still feel that the granny scene (albeit imagined) is a bit too graphic for a wide audience but it could just be me. I’m very delicate you know.

I kept up with the jumps in time, but only just. I found myself on more than one occasion starting a chapter and it taking a page or two to get my bearings. That might be something to look at.
One other thing that strikes me is that there’s very little dialogue early on. So we end up with the narrator telling us a lot about George’s inner turmoil. I’d like to see some – not all – of the long sections of narration broken up a bit with George’s interaction with the people around him. You do it more later on and it helps to imagine the situations better and we get a better feel for the characters. This is the sort of book I might expect George himself to narrate, so that his feelings are more immediate.

What else? Let me think? Maybe the superglue gag ran a tad longer than necessary. It might be because his mates – Frank and John – are both similarly laddish so I was lacking a bit of character contrast in the hospital scene. In 'Men Behaving Badly' Gary and Tony need Dorothy and Debs to make the stories work and give some relief. Depending on what others say you may want to consider a bit of editing in this scene.

Apart from those few areas, I loved it. Lots of comedy coupled from a very vivid imagination. I’m half way through the extract and the plot is beginning to become clearer. I’m starting to make connections with the opening scene. Good job.

I'd better read what Rob says.

[Andy]

Yo abe, can you spin a copy my way please.
Titanictales@yahoo.com.au
I know I'm late to the party but I'd love to have a read.
Andy P

[James]

Review:
I guess this is aimed at a target reader half a century younger than myself, and some of the humour makes us older ones uncomfortable. But remember I am of a generation that went from school to re-building post-war England without the laddish, phase that many subsequent generations indulged in. Most of us were paired off before we burnt our school ties. Indeed it is an indication that the story gets to you, rather than just reading the words.
That said it is well written and strongly reminiscent of 'Men Behaving Badly' which had a large following. I've sent you some detailed points by email as they border on pedantic.

Watch out for difficult sentence constructions. I ran the Gunning Fog Index on a few pages and it came back with a rather higher value than is ideal for a comedy aimed at the masses.

[Andrew]

Thanks James, I'm learning new things every time someone comments...the gunning for index is definitely not something I knew about but I will look into it. I won't be sending this to publishers, I double-space automatically as a reflex from my undergraduate days as it helps me to re-read things. My own life is far removed from the laddish goings-on of George's world, but the Men Behaving Badly tone is perhaps what I'm hoping to strike. I will eventually self publish this as a Christmas present for friends and don't intend it to go any further than that so this probably has something to do with the level of language I'm using. Your comments were very useful and I'll one day get round to doing more with this. Sadly, writing isn't afforded much space in my current calendar.