Beta Reader Group discussion

Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > (Ignore this thread, I'm not using this query)

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message 1: by Alex (last edited Jul 10, 2016 01:10AM) (new)

Alex (asato) (first of all, blurbs are very difficult to write--especially for your own story. even some published novelists that i know pay for their blurbs.)

it's a good length.

you might consider using more active voice and tightening it up--use more descriptive and specific verbs and get rid of extraneous words.

for example, instead of:
"When she is pulled out of purgatory and into Elysium, Helen thinks she's entering paradise."
"Yanked out of purgatory, Helen falls into Elysium, a paradise--or is it?"
or something like that.

message 2: by Danielle (new)

Danielle | 125 comments I would get rid of the first, second and third. It's jarring. I agree with Alex. Use some stronger verbs, it is a little flat. I haven't read your story so take this with a grain of salt but here's a suggestion.

After 300 years of purgatory (or however long), Helen is thrown into Elysium, and right at the feet of the Trojan prince she fell in love with centuries ago. The king that she ran from in the past haunts her while she watches the man she loves (or loved) with another woman. Heroes are dying, and worlds are crumbling (not sure if this pertains but you get the picture)
Elysium is supposed to be a paradise; it is anything but.

What does Helen do in this story? Does she fight? Is this a romance? What is she doing to overcome all this stuff?
From the blurb I'm not getting the full picture.

message 3: by Alex (last edited Jul 13, 2016 10:00PM) (new)

Alex (asato) cool. you might also consider that amazon displays only the first ~5 lines on the web page/kindle before More, which the user has to click to see the rest of your blurb.

you could also look at the blurbs of published books in your genre (if you haven't already).

this one sounds like it's in the same general subject area as yours:

(oops. it has 9 lines before More)

not saying that this is the best blurb. in fact, i would say that it's not one to emulate.

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