Write, Wrote, Written II discussion

Lacey's Writing > Snippet

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message 1: by Amanda (new)

Amanda This is a snippet of my story from chapter two.

Chikako awoke in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. Sunlight streamed through the lace curtains and the sweet song of a bluejay filled the room. She sat up abruptly and her body groaned in disagreement. She lifted her hand up, slowly and noticed the slim IV placed there. She ripped the needle out of her hand flinching in pain. Her eyes glazed over her body noticing the thin night gown she was wearing. Had someone undressed her? She sat in confused silence before the nights events began to slowly flood back. Her brother, the outburst, running as far away as she could get. Where was she? The last thing she remembered was collapsing from the exhaustion of running. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and glimpsed the crisp white bandage covering her right thigh. She gingerly peeled the bandage back revealing a deep red gash. She had no recollection of where she'd received it. Confused and in pain she began to slowly scan the rest of her body for injury other than the gash, there were scratches and bruises she knew had not come from her outburst at the orphanage. But perhaps the most peculiar of all were the letters JLoA stamped behind her left ear. How had this happened?
At the edge of the bed were her clothes and pocket knife clean and blood free. She dressed quickly wanting to get out of there as fast as she could. She slipped her knife back into her pocket and her finger brushed a piece of paper. On it was a phone number and a note that read “Call on your sixteenth birthday”. Confused and tired she scanned the room checking for exits.There were two doors in the room, one allowing the bright sunlight to spill in . Not wanting to explore she exited the door facing the sun, ignoring the one that lead deeper into the house. The door lead to three concrete steps. She turned and stared at the quaint house she had spent the night in. She reconized the neighborhood. Her and Hana had detoured through it lots of times on there way home from school, whenever they'd been hoping to arrive at Sunrise as late as possible. Before she left she made a mental note of the houses address. 221 Hibiscus Drive.

message 2: by Amanda (new)

Amanda Sorry if I overuse comas I tend to do that.

message 3: by emma (new)

emma | 72 comments Ooooo this is interesting! I love how descriptive you are! :)

My main suggestion would be to split this up into smaller paragraphs so that it flows a little better. Also, you mention her seeing a tattoo behind her ear, but no mirror in the room (she would need one to be able to see the tattoo).

Can't wait to read more. :)

message 4: by Rebecca (new)

Rebecca I second Emma's suggestion to break it up into paragraphs. Cool story!

message 5: by Amanda (new)

Amanda Thanks guys!! I definitely think I'll break it up into smaller paragraphs!! I can't believe I didn't think of a mirror duh. Thanks for catching that!!

message 6: by emma (new)

emma | 72 comments No problem, it's really easy to miss stuff like that when you're caught up in the writing. That's what we're here for :)

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