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message 1: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments Aaspa has blue eyes. Eyes that mark her out as Different. She has never understood the interest in her eye colour, but when she finds out from whom she inherited this unusual physical feature it all but turns her world upside down. Can she emerge from the chaos with her mind intact? Or will her enemies use her heritage to lever her over the edge into insanity?

This is the first draft of the blurb for my newest thing. The book is called Aaspa's Eyes.

I badly need help with the blurb.

Pretty please


message 2: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments To be honest, I was wondering why you started with that sentence, until I read the rest of the blurb.

My question is, would it help if you'd tell the possible readers the origin of the color? I mean, you piqued my curiosity with that but I think if I'd know, I might be more hooked.


message 3: by Joe (new)

Joe Jackson (shoelessauthor) To expand on what GG said, you probably need to add a reason why blue eyes would get anyone's attention. Are they unheard of in your book world? Is it just that the rest of her family has brown eyes? Is she maybe someone of color, for whom blue eyes would be unusual and demonstrate an interesting lineage? You've set the tone well, but there's not enough information to tell us why blue eyes set her apart. Take it from there and build up a little.

Good luck.


message 4: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Miss Jane,

*waves happily*

First of all, I dig the brevity! I have some serious squirrel-itis (mild ADD? *smirks*) so I always end up skimming over longer ones. I also like the use of questions, which engage the reader, imho. The only thing I would restructure is the first two sentences. I'm not even sure why but I think it has more oompf that way. Maybe something like...
Aaspa has something that marks her out as Different: blue eyes. She has never understood the interest in her eye colour, but when she finds out from whom she inherited this unusual physical (Not needed? I dunno haha) feature it all but turns her world upside down. (Is it possible to get just a tiny clue as to why? Methinks that would add some intrigue, if it can be done without spoiling the story, obviously!!) Can she emerge from the chaos with her mind intact? (Same thing here. Why is her sanity at risk?) Or will her enemies use her heritage to lever her over the edge into insanity?
I hope it's okay that I copy/pasted the blurb into here *gulps* Sorry that's not more helpful! It certainly has my attention!! XD

Hugs,
Ann


message 5: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments This is all helping. Now thinking how I can improve to add info without spoiling the surprises


message 6: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments I agree with Annie. That is why I love the 'burbette' thread. That's also why I rarely read the previews. If I'm going to read the book, i'll read the book itself. I think a lot of people are like me.

Now here is a good reason to explain the origin of the mysterious color:
I see the story as sci-fi. Is it? Other people might see it as drama. Who is right? Your blurb might give a wrong impression and attract the wrong crowd.

So yeah, if you could add an explanation to some of our questions without spoiling the story and without making it much longer, that'd be perfect.


message 7: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments Better? Or worse?

In a world where eyes are red or brown, Aaspa has blue eyes. All her life those eyes have marked her out as different. She has never understood the interest in something as simple as eye colour, but when she finds how she came by it, the knowledge all but turns her world upside down. Can she emerge from the chaos with her happiness intact? Or will her family's enemies use the secret to lever her over the edge into insanity?


message 8: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Hmm. I feel like the 2nd sentence is a kinda sorta a repeat of the 1st. Is there a way to combine them? Annnnd I dig the original blurb more, although I can't pinpoint exactly why. I think it seems more succinct and to the point? No idea what I'm trying to say hahaha

I'm sure someone else shall come along with more helpful feedback...

*runs away* XD


message 9: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments I think you can skip the 'all her life' part. We can assume she was born with them and they haven't changed colors later in life.
You may also be able to skip the beginning of the third sentence.

I played with your blurb a bit, just for kicks:

In a world where eyes are red or brown, Aaspa's blue irises mark her out as different. (but?) When she learns of their origin, it turns her world upside down.

Can she emerge from the chaos with her happiness intact? Or will her family's enemies use the secret to lever her over the edge into insanity?


Now we still don't know what genre it is. With red eyes, it has to be either sci-fi or fantasy. It's still not entirely clear. Maybe if you add a little tease to it, you might get a better hook.


message 10: by Tony (new)

Tony Blenman | 94 comments I think you have established that Aaspa's blue eyes set her apart in her world. I'm not sure you have to say she is different. I'm wondering how old is Aaspa that she unable to understand why others in her world are curious about her eye color? You have a good information to work with though.
Carry on.


message 11: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments Thank you very much everybody.

I shall now creep away and have a think.

BTW it is fantasy and Aaspa isn't human


message 12: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Jane wrote: "BTW it is fantasy and Aaspa isn't human"

THAT is very interesting. :)


message 13: by Annie (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Jane wrote: "Aaspa isn't human"

Oh, snap!! Miss Jane, is that safe (non-spoiler-ey) to include in the blurb? Because, oh, snap!!!

Hugs,
Ann


message 14: by Anna (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 552 comments G.G. wrote: "Jane wrote: "BTW it is fantasy and Aaspa isn't human"

THAT is very interesting. :)"


I like the blurb, but I have the advantage of the extra information you have provided, so the blurb comes alive more. So perhaps you need just a little more info about it being a different world or something similar.


message 15: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments Version three coming up.

If Aaspa was human having blue eyes wouldn't matter. But she isn't, so it does. And when she finds out how she came by the colour it rocks the foundations of her world. Can she emerge from the web of spite and rumour with her head held high? Or will her enemies manage to use the secret to lever her over the edge into insanity?

Comment respectfully requested.


message 16: by Annie (last edited Jun 29, 2016 03:12PM) (new)

Annie Arcane (anniearcane) | 629 comments Holy molly of all goodness!!!! I effin' love it. LOVE it!!!

*ahem*

Me thinks it's very good, Miss Jane. Just my humble opinion :)

Hugs,
Ann

EDIT: I forgot to say that it's still very "vague" but I actually dig that in this version. End transmission.


message 17: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments Jane wrote: "Version three coming up.

If Aaspa was human having blue eyes wouldn't matter. But she isn't, so it does. And when she finds out how she came by the colour it rocks the foundations of her world. Ca..."



Should it be: if Aaspa were human? I'm always mixed up when it comes to the if. Otherwise, I like it much better! Great job. We now have a better idea why the color could matter that much.


message 18: by Jane (last edited Aug 01, 2016 05:00AM) (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments It just occurred to me that all those who were kind enough to help with this may be wondering what happened to Aaspa.

Well. She's having a major rewrite. My reader savaged the first go.

She will still appear, but I reckon other stuff I have on the go might beat her to the starting blocks now....


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