Sentence Structure Advice

[Thomas]

I think we need a thread for sentence structure advice (hence the creation of this one!). Let's help each other to write the best sentences possible.

This topic should be focused on refining smaller snips, not full paragraphs. If you need help, post the sentence you'd like advice on. Maybe give an idea of what you're trying to convey, or an alternate sentence to the one you need help with.

I'll go first.

In relation to a castle, first person perspective: "Their ruins cause me to feel anguish." or "Their ruins anguish me."

Does "Their ruins anguish me." even make sense? My brain says yes, but my brain tells me funny things sometimes.

[[deleted user]]

Even better:

I surveyed the ruins, and my soul was grieved . Not one stone was left upon another, and the smell of smoke stung my nostrils.

And yes, you can use any or all of it.

[Jane]

I don't think you can use anguish as a verb. It grates if you do.

The ruins cause me anguish.

Their ruins, such anguish to me.

[Thomas]

Thanks for the responses. It can be used as a verb, but I agree that it grates. I'm going with "The ruins cause me anguish." because it solves two problems in one for what I need.

[[deleted user]]

How you write the sentence really depends on what the character would say or think, and how it works with the flow of the narrative. Anguish can be used as a verb, but to me it's better as an adverb. I would say something like, "I feel anguished at the sight of the ruins."

If you want a more powerful direct verb, you might substitute a synonym, like "grieve" or "agonize."

[Micah]

Effective sentence structure isn't just about the sentence itself, but also about how the sentence works within the paragraph. The surrounding context is important.

One sentence can be rearranged grammatically correct in multiple ways, but there is an interplay of feeling and implication between the sentence and the rest of the paragraph it appears within which makes one more preferential than the other.

So without the rest of the paragraph it's kind of difficult to say which works best.

"Their ruins anguish me."
--and--
"The ruins cause me anguish."

Are both fine as far as grammar goes. But which works best in this particular case is impossible for us to guess w/out the rest of the paragraph or surrounding text.

[Christina]

Hi Thomas. I understand what you are trying to do, but style is subjective and not something that can be defined as 'better' one way over another. If you have a specific question regarding the readability of a sentence, you are welcome to ask the group for constructive criticism, but much like covers and editing, we'd rather not set up a workshop within the group.
Thanks.

[Tara Woods Turner]

Ken
Your usage includes an adjective, not an adverb. Sentence sounds fine, though.