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Grammar help


http://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/201...
And it's when you read this, you realise that it's just grammarians making it up as they go along, and what is right now will be heretical and wrong in another forty years
Pass me my shotgun, I'm going apply me some punctuation :-)

But I like that Bob made a bacon hat.

Oh the shame! Thought of chaning my name! And I got downhearted, everytime that I...

http://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/201...
And it's when you read this, you realise that it's just grammarians making i..."
You mean like Americans putting the full stop on the wrong side of the quotes?

Tell her to put her teeth back in. Should cure it.

There is no "Hey babe" or similar anymore. It is now "Hey bae"....

Nonsense like that is stuff with which we will not put. Unless of course you're writing in Latin, which English is not (despite the opinions of a few 17th century introverts).
http://blog.oxforddictionaries.com/20...

The professor looks at him snootily. "We educated people don't end our sentences with propositions."
The redneck thinks about this for a while. Then he asks: "Can you tell me where the John is at, asshole?"

http://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/201...
And it's when you read this, you realise that it's just grammarians making i..."
I did an online grammar course last year, and ended up more confused than before. I am sure half the time it gets made up...

http://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/201...
And it's when you read this, you realise that it's just grammari..."
It's a period, there. US differences confuse me even more. Oh and Americans put the damn 'U' back in the words.

The rules of grammar are not the rules of physics and English is blessed with many of these rules, some of which seem to contradict.
If you really want to bemuse yourself go to Eats, Shoots and Leaves 2007 and read the section on the use of the apostrophe with biblical and classical names.

Which is awfully close to my one ever home-grown joke:
A big, muscular fellow is sitting in a village pub, drinking his beer, when in rolls a giant boulder. It comes up to the bar next to the fellow and orders a pint of best. The landlord remarks, "We don’t get a lot of talking inanimate objects in here," and the boulder says, "I don’t know how it happened, but this morning I woke up sentient. So, after I’ve had my pint, I’m going to celebrate. I’ll get revenge for all the years humans have been trampling over me by flattening the entire village." The locals in the pub take exception to this and attack the boulder but, it being of course rock-hard, all they get for their pains are broken fingers and sprained wrists and, well, pains. "And you?" asks the boulder of the muscular fellow. "You look like a tough guy. Aren’t you going to try and stop me?" "Well, no," the big guy replies. "Ever since I was a kid I’ve had this thing about geology. It turns me on. So, after you’ve flattened the village, how about we have sex?" Upon which the boulder instantly ceases to be animate, and the village is saved. And the moral of the story is: sometimes you really have no choice but to end a sentience with a proposition.

Off topic, but ...
A piece of string walks (?) into a bar. The barman says: "We can't serve you. Aren't you a piece of string?"
To which the string replies: "No, I'm afraid/ a frayed (k)not."
Admittedly this one works better when you say it.

Which is awfully close to my one ever home-grown joke:
A big, muscular fellow is si..."
I like that one!

Always leave 'em wanting less, is my motto.

I thought you were being clever. You usually are!
Prepositionally, it's hard to beat, "Dad! Will you bring that book you were reading to me from out of up?"
When to use a semi-colon.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon