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Annelies' Dugout > Request a Proofreading

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message 1: by fossil (new)

fossil As the group's proofreader, I offer you my help.

Leave a request here and I'll read your work(s) as soon as I can :)

message 2: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Lokrow did tell me to ask you to proofread my story but to be honest.. I don't want to bother you..

message 3: by fossil (last edited May 08, 2014 01:07PM) (new)

fossil Why?

message 4: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Why, I don't want to bother you? Because I'm a person with feelings :P and I don't know you nor do you know me. I don't want to make you feel like I am taking advantage of you, you know what I mean?

message 5: by fossil (new)

fossil Uhu. Don't worry though, I like helping people :) so if you're ready to share your story for a proofreading...I'm here.

message 6: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) In that case: I'd love it if you'd proofread it :)

message 7: by fossil (new)

fossil Okidoki! Just tell me where I can find it and I'll do it.

message 9: by fossil (new)

fossil I'm going to post my 'corrections and hints' (as Lokrow calls them) here, because I can't pm them :/
Feel free to use them or not, in the end we all have our own writing style :)

“Hold your hands there, and there,(comma) he said sliding his hands over hers, (...)
Whether he wanted her to, or not. She would go behind his back if she had to and he knew it.

Men and women are not allowed to visit each other’s bedrooms (...)
To be fair, in a way he is kind of above the law.
You know how mad that makes me on days like these, don’t you?” he said while standing over me.
You know the drill.(point) He looked at me intensely, (...)

I don’t want to people to notice me.
There is no way that there are fighters or rebels out here,(comma) said a rather high voice that either belonged to a small boy or a lady.
Wauw, (comma) I had forgotten how low my voice sounded these days.

I promise,(comma) Rose whispered against his bare skin.
She kissed him just below his ribs and looks up into his eyes afterwards.
he said while running his fingers through her blonde hair.
He looked at her intently, as if to say that this was not going to be a daily thing, (...)
She would not sleep until the day she knew what had happened and why.

We were like night and day.
she was gentle and sweet.
A girl that would be beautiful, small, blonde, blue eyes, strong but not too strong to handle, perfect.
Of all the girls only a few had lived in this room.
just remember who is the boss here.
My offspring has to be strong.
because he is too cruel and too evil to be allowed to stay in his place.
What a good feeling to see him in pain.

I will do the other chapters tomorrow, it's getting late here :)

message 10: by fossil (new)

fossil Shhhht and my GR goes like 'Alyssa doesn't accept messages' or something like that >.<

message 11: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Ohw yeah.. that's cause we ain't friends on GR yet. Sorry about that.

message 12: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) You already read through all those chapters?!?

message 13: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Yeah that is very impressive and awesome :) you were right Lokrow ;)

message 14: by fossil (new)

fossil Okay :p

message 15: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) I'm gonna edit-in your comments tonight :) thanks so much

message 16: by fossil (new)

fossil Okay, I'll read the other chapters tonight :)

message 17: by fossil (new)

fossil I will :3

message 18: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Thanks :)

message 19: by fossil (new)

fossil Alyssa, the hints and corrections for chapters 6-9 of your story called Last one Standing...
Going to do the other ones when I get back home, or tomorrow if it gets late :p

I pull on my foot and try to wiggle it loose.
I try to pull my foot loose one more time but it won’t give.
I haven't had a nightmare in a while.

I like him for some reason but he clearly has trust issues.
I watched him looking at a few of the guys who are walking by (...)
Most of the men are allowed to carry weapons here.
He let go of his knife and sighs.

“I’m still pretty sure that the other route is quicker,(comma) Rose said quietly.
Aiden was holding her wrist pretty tightly but she didn't complain nor did she make a sound.
“You think you can win, don’t you,(comma) she whispered.
but her hands stayed around his waist trying to unbuckle his jeans.
“Are you sure about this. I swore not to touch you until you were the proper age,he whispered.
She wasn't really listening to what he was saying, too busy removing his jeans from his hips.
“Just shut up,(comma) she said trying to keep her voice even.
“Ahw Rose, I love you,” (comma) he said with a panting voice.

Aiden tried to explain to me what has happened to his daughters (...)
His wife had died a few years before the war, which might have been a good thing.
who decided that they needed to save the human kind from overpopulating and destruction (...)
It was the only thing my mom could have done and I know it was more to save me than my dad.
I am what my mom tried to save me from.

message 20: by fossil (new)

fossil I know, I know :p jk

message 21: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) You truly are awesome :) Thanks Annelies. But question, do you actually enjoy the story?

message 22: by fossil (new)

fossil It's pretty cool and I enjoy reading it :D

message 23: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Oh yay :) that's nice to hear.

message 24: by fossil (new)

fossil Alyssa, corrections and hints for chapters 10-11 of Last one Standing :)
Gonna do chapter 12 tonight...

She was getting really pissed off now, (...)
He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her into her eyes very intensely.
But it’s different out there than it is in here.
Kissed her hair and smelled her scent.
“You better!” she said and then walked away in the other direction.
I will make you proud,(comma) she whispered before she ran out into the night.
After another hour or so, they finally slowed down and set up a camp.
Scared, hiding and protected by the men.
Not only would the warriors hear the screams, (...)
He had never been caught by the rebels and he wasn't planning on letting it happen now.

They had finally reached the edge of the forest, (...)
She lifted her finger to his face while saying this and he could no longer leave his hands next to his sides.
James needs to start thinking of another plan.
they were going to attack the guards so that they could slip past them.
As soon as the guards walked past them again they got quiet.
They waited for the other team to attack the guards so that they could slide past the highly protected door unnoticed.
This was the last thing Aiden said before they heard the sound of knives clashing together (...)
Rose moved towards the cage in which two little girls, so young and delicate, (...)
“Outside. NOW!” was all Aiden could yell, (...)
The prisoners had already fled into the woods and were long on their way towards the camp.
Let’s head back to the cave!” was all he needed to say for some of the warriors to silently cheer.

message 25: by fossil (new)

fossil Yesh, even I can miss details :p

message 26: by fossil (new)

fossil *Subwoofer Time - EMINEM!*

message 27: by fossil (new)

fossil Haha!

message 28: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Thanks you guys :)

message 29: by fossil (new)

fossil Aaaand Chapter 12 for you, Alyssa :)

I could have sworn it was a few weeks ago but I don’t remember and then I... ” A weird sound escaped from my mouth and I couldn’t form more words, they just wouldn’t come.
that I had had my period just a few weeks ago.
All I wanted to do in that moment, (...)
I didn’t even know which time did it and it didn’t really matter either.
I was arrogant and just wanted to take down as much of them as I could.
“Nice try,(comma) was all he had said.
He wore a black jeans and shirt, (...)
He was slightly taller than me, but didn’t have much muscles on his bones.
He didn’t sound scared or mocking now.
He was ready to fight me, (comma) yet I was the one to begin the fight.
I had ran off and hid in the woods for hours.
I just needed him to save me from this hellhole before I can deliver this monster’s baby.
I know what Max would have done to her otherwise and I liked her too much to do that to her.
“Yes,(comma) was all I could manage, (...)

message 30: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (vr_alyssa) Thank you so much :)

message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

Hi :) Tinath recommended you to me as a proofreader

I'm not sure how this works exactly, because I've never had a proofreader before :P

So, i'm just going to ask. Can you please proofread my story Hamlet?

message 32: by fossil (new)

fossil I'll take a look at your story tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depends on how much work I got to do for school :)

message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

Annelies wrote: "I'll take a look at your story tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depends on how much work I got to do for school :)"

Alright :) thank you so much!

message 34: by fossil (new)

fossil Anna, some corrections and hints on chapters 1-3 of your story 'Hamlet' :) feel free to use them, we all have our own style of writing after all.

I was exhausted as I walked out onto the parking lot.
He figured out that since we were together, I shouldn't need to drive to school by myself
(...) Nate came out of the locker room. Blonde, shaggy hair, wet and dripping.
"But you still love me!" he said, smiling widely.
He often was a great guy, (...)
There were still a dozen or so cars still there. -> About a dozen cars were still there, (...)
"No, what are you? My mother?" he asked, harshly. "Jeez."
"That asshole of a coach is putting in the backup quarterback instead of me!"
"What did you say?" he asked, venomously.

He wonders if it is even worth continuing his life or not.
"All?!" she asked incredulously, mocking me. "This one is really cute!"
And you should've seen it, Adira.
(...) but was now yelling at a bunch of freshmen to go and get him a coffee.
"If Jared wants to go ruin his life with his pot business, then he can just go ahead, but we need to debut your amazing play, Mr. P."
"Students!" he yelled, getting the attention of everyone in the room.
"Oh, what would I do without you, Adira?" he murmured.

I dragged myself and my injured arm downstairs, to the freezer, and then to the living room.
In a place where there really were such things as "Time Lords". Plus I thought Matt Smith was incredibly hot, and Karen Gillan amusing (and the accent was wicked awesome).


message 35: by fossil (new)

fossil Anna, here are chapters 4-6 of 'Hamlet' :)

But, then where were the mailman/postman and his truck?
Adira?" the voice said again.
"You don't recognize me, Adira?" he asked, sounding like he was in mock-hurt.
I decided-since my mom wasn't calling me-that I'd just call her first.
I picked at the white countertop as I was waiting for her to answer.
"It's what I'm here for," I said dully. "So, where are you?"
I wouldn't be able to see if I tried to drive home.
He talked to me about it once at the dinner table, (...)
I walked up the stairs and to my room, (...)
After I came back, I put my toothbrush away and looked into the mirror. (less commas)

In a sleepy daze, I fumbled around in the darkness for it.
I thought I'd set it on my night stand, but it wasn't there, so I guess I didn't.
I wanted to ask her about the phone call i got last night—the creepy one—but decided not to.
Maybe it really was just a prank call.
"What are you wearing?" she asked.
(speaking from past experiences)
We had money for a new one, but my mother was a...bit of person.
If cheap was the right word to use.
After patting the top of my giant stuffed dragon, (...)
The dragon brought back great memories.
"What? It's perfectly good sugary deliciousness!" she had defended.
I debated going back inside for a jacket, but decided not to.
Surely i'd be late, even if Nate was picking me up.
(you wrote I without a capital a few times, I didn't mark it every time I spot one, maybe read your chapter once more and pay attention to this detail)

After feeling like I could breathe again, (...)
My books felt too heavy as I lugged them to the office.
"So why are you late, again?" the secretary asked, glaring at me from behind massive glasses.
"Where were your parents?" she asked accusingly.
"I don't like your tone, Missy." The secretary glared at me.
"Close your mouth, you don't want to catch flies."
(Same thing, a lot of times you write I without a capital :/)

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