I'm entering a (really) short story comp and need test readers

[Richard]

Hi

497 words. Rip it apart, tell me the flaws. The theme of the contest if grief and there's a few grand in prize money if I win

The word limit for the contest is 500, hence the economy of language

Help much appreciated

http://atheistdad74.blogspot.com.au/2...

[Leo]

This is a beautiful story, and I think I can see the influence of Raymond Carver, Denis Johnson and Cormac McCarthy. It adds up nicely at the end, and there’s a real depth beneath its surface, in terms of Mr Hendricks’ life and the many similar tragedies that the narrator struggles with, a kind of tightrope between his impatience with everyone wanting special attention and the difficulty he has maintaining an air of professionalism in front of the suffering of ordinary people. So to convey all of that in so few words is pretty spectacular.

[Richard]

Thanks mate. Very much appreciated

[Comptess]

Very moving. I think Leo summed up the depth of it well.
I found it confusing at first to understand who was speaking and how the first few sentences fit together. (Oh, Double Bay is a place.) But it made sense by the first asterisk and there is a satisfaction in re-reading the beginning again once you have the whole story.
Good luck.

[Richard]

Thanks mate. 500 words is horribly brief