Comparing Style

[Nicholas]

Hi
I am trying to make my style better. Could you help?
Which of the following two similar paragraphs is better, and why?
Thank you


Paragraph A
Holograms paint sex in vivid light. Atop skyscrapers, men, either silky smooth or rugged, sell watches, aftershave and cosmetic implants. Supermodels, lips parted, jut from buildings like gargoyles, promoting the fashion house to which they are beholden. Aerial drones project Heaven into the sky, where hunky heartthrobs and curvaceous women, or skinny types with an enigmatic air, hook kids on consumerism early and sell the burgeoning centenarian population the promise of youth. Sex empowers women, makes men drooling dogs. And men are dogs, salivating for bitches in heat. Wherever they look breasts protrude, and parted lips offer a silent promise. No wonder they merge with psiqnet porn—their wives cannot live up to the dream we force-feed them.


Paragraph B
Holograms paint sex in colourful light. Atop skyscrapers, men, either silky smooth or rugged, sell watches, aftershave and cosmetic implants. Pouting supermodels jut from buildings like gargoyles, and aerial drones project hunky heartthrobs and curvaceous women into the sky. Sex empowers women, makes men drooling dogs. And men are dogs, salivating for bitches in heat. Wherever they look breasts protrude, and parted lips offer a silent promise. No wonder they merge with psiqnet porn-their wives cannot live up to the dream we force-feed them.

[Emma]

Its all a bit 'purple' for me.
Unless you are going for poetry, it feels as if you are trying to be too wordy, too 'clever'.
Both paragraphs are about the words you are using, not the scene you are painting. You are using visual descriptions, add in smell, temperature, sounds, etc to bring the scene to life.
I've got no idea what psiqnet means, nor does google.
If this was a novel, it wouldn't be one I'd read. Sorry.

[[deleted user]]

The second has the advantage of being shorter!

[Miriam]

The second paragraph is better. Long sentences are allowed, but one has to be sure to use semi-colons as needed and avoid excessive commas.

Aside from the fact that your second paragraph follows the above comment better, I have nothing to say that might help.

[A.R.]

My opinion: an essay benefits from obvious style. I can't define "good style," but I know it when I read it. Style in fiction should be invisible, else how can we believe that we are living the story.

[J.P.]

I'd hate to think how many people you drive away if that is the way you speak! Calm down your vocabulary list. Write as you'd like for people to speak to you. Don't be overly conscious of "style." Say it out loud, and if it sounds dorky--rewrite!
As a retired English teacher, let me assure you: they only teach vocabulary so you'll know what the words are when they pop up in your reading. I'd say if you've had occasion to use a word 500 times in the course of conversation (not all in the same conversation!), you probably understand how to use it. You may start using it in your writing.

[J.P.]

Colin wrote: "The second has the advantage of being shorter!"

Ha, ha! A quote from Winston Churchill!

[A.R.]

I'll second what Jp says. Rare words should be used rarely. I once read a story (I like the author, so I won't name him) that used "copacetic" twice. That was at least one too many times.