Blurb Question / Help Request

[Joe]

Hey all, I'm looking for some advice. As I'm sure some of you have seen on Twitter, I ran an ad campaign that is getting me a heckuva lot of clicks to my Amazon page, but not a lot of sales. I know Owen says not to read too much into that, but I want to be sure there isn't something obvious that I could change to help things along.

Most people have told me my cover is eye-catching, so I'm content with that for the time being (but seriously, if you think it sucks please let me know why). I added an excerpt to the page and all that, so what I'm looking at now is my blurb. Can I get some feedback on the current blurb? Does it get your attention at all, or does it sound dull or lame?

Current blurb:

The War was over, the Devil Queen cast down.

In the wake of the Apocalypse, veteran terra-dracon demonhunter Karian Vanador understands that the vigilance of her Order means there is rarely any time to rest. Even with a paragon of evil cast down, it isn't long before another rears its head, and for Kari, the War never ends.

With demons threatening invasion, Kari will head into danger again, for it is the life she's chosen and the only path she really knows. Along the way she will face the tests of friendship, the fires of love, the heat of battle, and the limits of her faith, and in those trials, she will seek the answer to her most pressing question:

"Why was I resurrected?"

I was considering a new blurb, and this was what I came up with on a first pass:

Twenty-seven years. That was all Karian Vanador got the first time she walked Citaria. Twenty-seven years fraught with abuse, neglect, heartache, and yet a burning passion that led her to become one of the greatest demonhunters in history. And then, Dracon’s Bane claimed her life, far too soon.

Now, the terra-dracon demonhunter has been resurrected, nearly two hundred years later, presumably to help turn the tide of the Apocalypse. But with the Great War finished and the Devil Queen cast down, she must seek a new life and a new purpose in this different time and place.

Assigned to stop a possible civil war on a distant island, Kari must join forces with a band of young heroes she would never have looked at twice in her previous life. The call of her life as a demonhunter is strong, and in her new mission, she finds purpose. She will endure the tests of friendship, the fires of love, the heat of battle, and the limits of her faith, and in those trials, she will seek the answer to her most pressing question:

"Why was I resurrected?"

Preference? Thoughts? Advice?

Thanks for your time!

[M.L.]

Hi Joe,

Both are descriptive, but I almost think they are telling me too much. The reason is because by the time I read the question, I kind of know the answer (not really of course, just impression): She was resurrected to keep fighting. The question I would have, is who resurrected her? Does she know who is pulling the strings? Probably not very helpful! :)

[Joe]

Nope, I get what you're saying. Let me think on this a bit and I'll try revising the second one.

[Joe]

Twenty-seven years. That was all Karian Vanador got the first time she walked Citaria. Twenty-seven years fraught with abuse, neglect, heartache, and yet a burning passion that led her to become one of the greatest demonhunters in history. And then, Dracon’s Bane claimed her life, far too soon.

Nearly two hundred years later, the terra-dracon demonhunter finds herself resurrected – against her will – and told she will help turn the tide of the Great War. But with the Apocalypse over and the Devil Queen cast down, Kari has no more clarity about her return than she did the moment she drew her first breath.

Assigned to stop a possible demonic invasion on a distant island, Kari must join forces with a band of young heroes she would never have looked at twice in her previous life. Determined to take her new life one day at a time, she focuses on her mission and little else. But how long can she keep the darkness of her past at bay? And will she ever find the answers she seeks about her resurrection?

Thoughts on this one? Anyone else have any input? I see y'all lurking, I'm happy to hear any and all viewpoints.

[Riley, Viking Extraordinaire]

I like it, tells enough to draw in interest, but not enough to tell me everything.

[Grace]

Ok...this paragraph was in your first blurb, but not the second one....

With demons threatening invasion, Kari will head into danger again, for it is the life she's chosen and the only path she really knows. Along the way she will face the tests of friendship, the fires of love, the heat of battle, and the limits of her faith, and in those trials, she will seek the answer to her most pressing question:
"Why was I resurrected?"

Why was it not in the second one? I like this paragraph. I think you should add it back in.

[Owen]

I don't think I'm your target audience, so take this with a whole mine's worth of salt.

I prefer the first the blurb. It's tighter and leaving "Why was I resurrected?" to the end throws an interesting spin on the whole thing.

The second blurb begins with a note that I find too portentous; especially the repetition of "27 years". The next sentences feel a bit melodramatic -- those are things I'd rather get from the story.

I tripped on this part, I'm afraid: "... finds herself resurrected – against her will – and ..." If she's dead, how is she exercising any will? I think perhaps this means that after she was resurrected, she was annoyed about, but that's not the way I initially read it.

The band of young heroes she would never have looked at twice previously, also threw me. Why not? Is the use of "heroes" here satirical? Are they would-be heroes? Wannabe heroes? Or does she just have an attitude problem?

The first blurb ends with: "... she will seek the answer to her most pressing question:
"Why was I resurrected?" "

The second ends with: "And will she ever find the answers she seeks about her resurrection?"

I find the first much more gripping. Starting the second sentence with "And" weakens it. If this is her most pressing question, it should not feel like an afterthought, which is what the "and" suggests" to me.

In addition, the previous line sets up a tension between keeping the darkness of her past at bay and answering a pressing question. Which of those is more important? I tend to over-think things, but this is distracting to me.

Finally -- sorry for going on so long -- "will she ever find the answers she seeks about her resurrection" doesn't really pose a question. What answers does she seek? How did they do it?

On the other hand, "Why was I resurrected?" speaks directly to a question of purpose and identity. I find it more interesting than the fact she has some questions that are not clearly defined.

That a very long-winded way of saying I'd stick with the original. The only comment I have there is the repetition of "cast down" jumped out at me. But given my predilections, don't take that to heart.

[Joe]

Thanks, Owen. Good insights. I've really only been toying with changing it, so I may just end leaving the original (first). I appreciate all the input.