Challenge to the authors (new or not)

[Clovis]

Hello, authors. Starting a new play: how do you rewrite this paragraph, to get a better composition:

"She heard the older commenting that a nearby Palace had been occupied by samurai of the Emperor only a few years ago. They hoped this could offer more security to the people, always oppressed. But there was more dire stories. She also heard about creatures of the night, about many legends that terrorized the people, about demons representatives of pure evil. She was terrified of what she heard. And she never could imagine that would be personally involved."

I am learning how to write in English and I have more challenges if you liked this game.
Thanks a lot, Clovis.

[Wren]

She heard the elder commenting that a nearby palace had been occupied only a few years ago by samurai of the Emperor. They had hoped that the occupation would provide better security to the people, as they had always been oppressed. Yet there were more dire stories. She had heard about creatures of the night, about legends that terrorized the people, and about demons that were representatives of pure evil. She was terrified by what she had heard and could never have imagined that she would be personally involved.

I only changed it to help the syntax match more natural English and for some subject/verb agreement, but I'd need to know more about what you're trying to say to make it smoother.

[Clovis]

Thank you, Wren.
It is exactly I need.
This paragraph is part of a book I wrote in Portuguese and translate to English, obviously with help of a translator program. I started the revision and found a lot of errors, but the "natural English" still is a unknown monster. Don't be afraid, I will not publish with errors, I'm already in contact with one professional to review the entire text after my own revision.

Someone wants to continue this game, to teach me?
Another example:

"Was clear that Claudius sought her, insistently, almost stalking her, but had no intention of harming anyone. He just wanted attention. Poor bastard. He had no idea that if he had success, would be exposed to a inevitable deadly risk."