*JANUARY 2016 MICROSTORY CONTEST - COMMENTS ONLY

[Carrie]

@Marianne – I wish I could draw, the image has been floating around in my head all month, I totally thought about maybe she was some human/alien hybrid that allowed her to withstand the pressures of space or maybe it was just a rift in space at that very section that only she knew about or something. But I am not a scientist and would have no idea how to even begin in creating a plausible reason for the invisible barrier that separates the air of the world from outer space.

But the image in my head was fun!!

[J.J.]

Andy, I really enjoyed your story - and confident I caught most of the satirical illusions/ allusions. But I think it's because for those of us on this side of the pond her death carries many different layers of perspective that others may not see. We lived and breathed her life for how many years? Thanks to the media, she virtually lived in our hearts and our houses. It's folklore, fact, conspiracy, history , constitutional, romance etc.

I think it's good to have raw critique tbh - even if it leads to misunderstandings and clears the air on personality clashes like Heather/Richard. Me/Richard, someone else/er... These should be temporary and refocus on what's at hand - improving one's writing.

I personally like the fights we have here. I come in and it's like "ooh - fight, fight! " The key thing is not to make it a long-standing gripe to dine out on until the next Millennium.

Underneath it all, probably none of us here are sweet-bread - as my aunt Maylene would say. (Pause while Andy chortles and rolls eyes)

For my own story, I really didn't think it stood a chance: too loose and skimmish on dialogue and character. Oth, I expected to see Paula and Jot go through all the way. Yes, Jot, your ending also threw me - it was like an afterthought HEA. But by then I was fully engaged with the main character so for me it was, " Wha... Yay!" A minor thing in a great story.

Paula's story was also outstanding, always a challenge to read but so worth it - poignant, humourous and something disturbing (almost Soylent Greenish/Logan's Run) in the tail end.

I started to do critiques on the stories. but I'm always held back by the fear of not doing justice to the literary references I've missed so I've stopped at Richard's. I'll try and go on, but wouldn't it be great if we could have some time out now and again - perhaps to throw snowballs at each other through our digital devices?

[Carrie]

@J.J. I sooooooooo wish for a "like" option right now!!

[Andy]

@Jeremy - I'll have to see if I can make it through The Peripheral. I did go back to skim-start over making a note of who the people are and how they interact, until they can bed down in my brain.

@Marianne, @Carrie - yes, I like it as an image, quite poetic. It moves the story into a psychological space. But does the 'literally' get in the way then?
Though I hear the OED now defines 'literally' as meaning 'figuratively', reflecting modern usage

[J.J.]

@ Heather, "I'd rather cry in a BMW than smile on a bicycle."

I think she really wouldn't. BMWs come with exhaust pipes.

[Richard]

Yes, snow balls would be good. I would expect incoming from some of you to contain rocks-fair enough as I would bleed in private.
I'll never do a critique of all the stories. The good ones are easy- it is being polite enough about the bad ones that I can't do. Truth or nothing, which means usually nothing.
We learn from reading good stories. Five or six were worth the effort of reading- a couple almost up to publishing standard. Not surprised that Andy's didn't win- too British- My first choice though.

[Andy]

Enjoyable conversation, everyone

Go for your critiques, JJ
And keep the folksy wisdom coming. Thanks, Aunt Maylene.

Many thanks, Richard. Just looking at Jot's vote tallies now and I see you and JJ were the only ones to list my story - so I guess in the end it was kind of culturally exclusive. Wasn't trying to be - I probably had it in mind that all Americans, Canadians and Aussies (?!) dote on the monarchy more than we do :-) I am disabused of this notion now.

[Andy]

These were my comments when voting:

"1. JJ – Star’s Bridge
A very original and imaginative story. Very well constructed and it builds and builds with a sense of mystery throughout. Not a “Whodunnit” but a “Whydunnit” that carries the reader through to the last word. Also conveys an emotional connection to both characters. I think this is brilliant, to do all this in <750 words.

2. Paula – Photographs to Nowhere
A Paula special, drawing the reader into a strange world and its almost-but-not-quite-familiar language. Bleak glimpses into the central characters divided world and his bitter alienation. Very well done.

3. Marianne – Rock
A captivating and poignant story that drew me into this strange world. The story is rounded and works well, but I wanted it to last longer – great ideas and wistful tone here.

4. Heather – The Poetic Heart of the Narcissus
A very original story, and a distinctive voice. Heather’s best one yet, for me. Cleverly crafted reveal just after halfway through, carrying a serious point within the tragi-comic, creepily horrifying vision of rogue and belching daffs …

After that half a dozen stories bubbling under …"

[Heather]

@ Andy,
I've watched heaps of episodes of "If You Are the One" and they chat about all sorts of things ... philosophy, literature, work and life, art ... but now that you mention it (the pollution, that is) I don't think I've heard (read the subtitles-and-tried-to-hear-what-words-and-phrases-I-can) anyone on the show mention China's pollution!
Maybe its an off-limits conversation topic on TV that is broadcast so far and wide, including internationally (since the government is sensitive to how China looks to the world.)

Also, thanks for your critique of my story, Andy. It was an important one for me, emotionally, to try to do as well as I could. (I don't mean in the votes, necessarily ... though it was nice to get some votes for it. I mean it was important to me to try to 'hit' the truth well, with this story, because it is 'a true story' even though its in a highly 'morphed and metaphored' form.)

[Andy]

@Heather, I think they'll steer clear of contentious topics on a dating show by and large.

Chinese social media is full of jokes and comments about pollution though.

[Heather]

Yes, I must start checking out their Weibo and similar, Andy. The translation sites are excellent for copying and pasting the simplified (or traditional) characters ... and it gives the pronunciation too. It's really exciting when I then actually hear them (on TV) speak some of the words or phrases I have learnt. Its sort of a shock, a surprise that I actually heard something that real Chinese people use!

Apart from just building up my knowledge in this more or less haphazard way, I'm also more systematically slowly going through the 214 modern 'radicals' and building up my knowledge base of words from them. I haven't focused too much on grammar yet apart from what I've learnt in learning phrases. (And getting used to the 'tones' is quite something too!)

Its just a really great hobby ... a never ending, simultaneously relaxing and stimulating, feast for the mind and soul.

[Richard]

I also thought that your story was a best yet - Heather- strangely tight for you. Often you make me feel I've joined a story in the middle that's going two places at once.
I thought you would win- well- you did for me.

[Heather]

Thanks Richard.

And also thanks for pointing out the loose directions of my prior stories ... and that this one was therefore 'strangely tight'.

I will try to use that input to understand how my personality/nature affects my writing, and hopefully do something about it. I think I get that sharper, tighter expression when I'm in 'anger' or 'grief.' Maybe I'm a bit lazy when I don't feel something to 'fight for' is at stake. I'll have to think of some mental or writing-practice gymnastics to more consciously practice (other than just these contest stories perhaps) to try to be able to sustain and develop tighter writing for the long haul.

[Paula]

Carrie, I loved your "edge" image; I just want you to carry it through the story when you (I do hope) redo this into what may be one a serious award-winning tale. Seriously.
Heather, , better to private-message personal stuff. You may also from the votes that your story was in my top choices.
Andy, no exiting in tears. Not your doing that we Americans are ignorant--of, among other things, contemporary and historical English doings.
Richard and Andy, thank you. I do think, if people wish to challenge one another's critiques as critiques (or to simply point out they disagree), in giving their own opinions, that's cool. Otoh, *emphasizing* disagreement is anything but professional; I think some of us here have had more critiquing experience than others.
Jot, I wish the cable being dangling were enough; it's not--unless we see him grab for it, at least a couple of lines ahead of where we see him saved. And truly, better then if the woman too sees or know that he's grabbing for it--or he says "Hey it's okay, babe" or something--so she, like the reader, is not kept in false suspense those last few mini-seconds up to the end. Because, except for that issue, it's such a very strong and publishable story.

[Paula]

I really want to thank you, J.J., Marianne, Andy, and Ron, for your votes for my story this month. Coming from you all, these form an honor.
Heather, those stories that speak about something in our lives while seemingly about something else are so important! Like others here, I found this one definitely your best here so far. As for ways to tighten prose, one that really works is to write news stories, paid or unpaid but as a staff reporter or regular stringer/contributor, for some journal. They have tight wordcounts and one has to meet those; it's very effective.

[Heather]

Thanks for that suggestion, Paula re submitting some regular news stories contributions to some form of journal as a way to tighten up expression. I'll seriously look into how I might go about doing that.
Its interesting because in a way such pieces might be almost like 'little essays' (if one is allowed by such journals to put a little bit of one's own spin or 'voice' into the mix.) And I've been thinking lately of a memoir as an essay about a point to be made, and my story this month was really just a very contracted and highly metaphorical form of the memoir-essay I am driven to write and which is my current main project. I want its expression to be as absolutely 'spot on' as I can possibly make it.

[Carrie]

Ok @Paula, I thought about what you said about carrying the theme all the way through and re-worked my story a little bit.

Not sure where to post it or even if I should somewhere?

Also - thank you Heather for all the info on learning to draw!!

[Marianne]

Many thanks for comments :) Those I selected for my top 3 wrote stories that caught my interest and transported me elsewhere. There were many good stories this month and choosing between JJ and Sharon was tough. I picked the one that stayed with me the longest :)

I think for anyone writing flash fiction, if someone wants to see more of a story that is a good sign because the reader was hooked :)

[Heather]

@ Carrie, no worries mate! (that's Strine for "you're welcome", by the way.)

[J.J.]

Good points, Marianne, something to bear in mind when making use of the new 750 word allowance to develop story line.

I'm grateful to those who voted for me - it really does help. Paula, those were some useful comments to Heather about writing; thoughts and suggestions shared that caught my ear too. Thanks.

[Gary]

I am not sure what happened but it appears that my votes I messaged to Jot through GoodReads reply function did not make it to him for this month. Likely the result of me not being an accepted member of the Group or not being connected to Jot at the time I sent the reply.
Not sure if the rules might have changed about voters not needing to have a story in that month's contest.
Not that it mattered, my top 3 stories included the eventual winner.

[Ronald]

My reviews:

First place: “Star’s Bridge” by J.J. Allison. Rating: 4 out of 5 Original Twilight Zones (OTZ)

I was hooked by the first five quotes. They were disturbing but marvelous. I didn’t want to stop reading. (J.J.’s beginning caught my attention like Ambrose Bierce’s first sentence in “An Imperfect Conflagration”: “Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father -- an act which made a deep impression on me at the time.” This was a gripping tale of either a hero or madman. A sci-fi Cain-and-Abel story about the murder of a “baby brother,” the designer of a bridge between parallel worlds or hells (according to the narrator). I wondered about Dr. John Thenis’s sanity because no one else (i.e., the Commander, the panel, Star’s family) seemed to worry about Star’s Armageddon-like bridges. Were the creations real? Were they just in Thenis’s mind? But whether he is crazy, the story’s character development, atmosphere and backstory are engrossing. Very, very nice pacing, too. But I have a question? Who were Jack, Madiba and Priyadarshini? Was the first person Jack the Ripper? If so, what about the other two? Favorite line? At the end: “… I wasn’t looking at how far Star’s shimmering bridge went up. I was looking at how far it went down.” (Note: J.J.’s short also reminds me of Lawrence Watt Evans’s “Real Time,” a short story about a lost “time traveler” who thinks he’s saving history by killing people. It’s in “The Mammoth Book of Time Travel SF.” Look it up.)

Second place (tied): “The Bridge Between Us” by Jon Ricson and “Discarded Demons” by Jack McDaniel. Ratings: 3.5 out of 5 OTZ.

Ricson’s work: Wonderful story about a futuristic caste system. Similar in many ways to the shorts by Paula and Carrie (see below). A smart story about how two people from disconnected worlds can actually connect by simply waving hello. To me, the tale had a hint of the beginning of “Romeo and Juliet.” (Probably a stretch, but that’s what came to mind, folks.) Favorite sentence? The last line: “Quickly I hide it with my other shiny, then I smile and wonder about the girl ...”

McDaniel’s work: Dashiell Hammett meets Robert Heinlein. Fantastic action-thriller/revenge story. Zippy beginning, middle and end. There are two types of demons in this story: (1) Her prey. (2) Her memories (the death of her sister, etc.). Not a good deal of character development, but a great no-nonsense narrative that’s short and sweet. Could be fleshed out as a graphic novel or movie script a la “Blade Runner.” Favorite line? Last sentence in the MaGuffin graph: “Whatever -- get the traitor. That’s all she knew or cared about. Officially.”

Third place: “Photographs to Nowhere” by Paula Friedman. Rating 3 out of 5 OTZ.

Paul creates a homeless universe that is dark and alien yet contemporary. I found it hard to tell whether this is a post-apocalypse society or another sad moment on the streets of a misgoverned megalopolis in our world. The argot was excellent and helped paint the character. But the language probably would work better in a long short story, novella or novel. That way, there would be more room to flesh out the meanings of the argot. (Perchance, Paula, could you provide the definitions of “mi-parents” and “coconcatenoidics”?) The language also reminded me of Anthony Burgess’s “A Clockwork Orange.” Favorite line? The Beckett-like last sentence: “Go forth, go step by step, each one of us, the morning our turns come, upward and onward step by step, porting perhaps a coat or tent, porting what’s left of our memories, carrying one single Screener of our imagenes, and our emptied lives above your river, ladies-gents, above the sea and upward, always, up-yours and onward, once more in the light, the smog-light of this once green Earth, higher, higher and farther, farther, walking the Bridge to Nowhere to we know what end”

Fourth place: “At the Edge of the World” by Carrie Zylka. Rating: 2.8 out of 5 OTZ.

Nice tale about love and friendship between two very, very, veeeery different creatures. Good symbolism of light and dark, ying and yang, fantasy and reality. The dialogue got close to being saccharine a few times, but it often worked well. And the first line got me hooked on the story: “She sat with her legs dangling over the edge of the world.” (And my favorite line, of course.) The phrase “the devil is in the details” is my thumbs-up (although puny/groany) assessment of the story. Great writing. Good character development in a few words.

Honorable mentions: Arranged Marriage, Nanobuilders, The Price of Immortality, The Cook of Company Q, The Poetic Heart of Narcissus

[Ronald]

Paula wrote: "I really want to thank you, J.J., Marianne, Andy, and Ron, for your votes for my story this month. Coming from you all, these form an honor.
Heather, those stories that speak about something in ou..."


You're welcome, Paula. FYI: I finally posted my reviews of my top stories for the Jan. contest.

[Heather]

@ Carrie, (and anyone else interested), one other learning-to-draw source I considered mentioning to you earlier is The Drawing Academy ... but since I said I would only mention cheap or free courses I decided not to mention it as they are a little bit expensive (though not too bad I suppose for what you get, if you buy all the component courses, within the overall course, at once ... and their support continues after you have finished the course, plus you have automatic access to any new teaching material/ courses added since what you buy is a 'lifetime membership'.)

Its probably the most complete course in terms of taking you from from total beginner to skilled artist (that I have found). It is introduced here in a video called "The Best Ways to Learn Drawing" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMXMo...

One interesting thing it mentions is a quote from Michelangelo along the lines of how people would be surprised if they knew just how many, many hours of learning and practise went into [his] becoming such a skilled artist.

And so, on consideration, I will mention it ... and I think it is OK to mention it here, specifically, since part of the discussion here has been about the visual images that are/can be conjured up in/by written stories. And being able to draw one's imaginings is, I think, a not unreasonable way to guide & enrich one's subsequent word-drawings of same.

[Paula]

Ron, what insightful and kind comments/critiquing! Thank you.
As for insights, your mention of Burgess's Clockwork Orange delighted me, since in fact my writing teacher/mentor at SF State some years ago, William Wiegand, used this novel in showing us ways to instantly immerse a reader in a strange world through, in part, use of its language and imagery!
Thank you again.

[Jack]

Ronald wrote: "My reviews:

McDaniel’s work: Dashiell Hammett meets Robert Heinlein. Fantastic action-thriller/revenge story.

Thanks, Ron. Bigger project in the works on that universe and characters.

[Carrie]

@Ron - first off thank you very much for the vote and the feedback. I totally agree, sometimes my dialogue waxes a little on the poetic. It’s the music reviewer in me I think. My husband has accused me in answering his questions with song lyrics. Which I totally do!!
Also, I would love to know your rating scale.

Sorry for the delay, I’d made some notes as I was reading through and I just now put them into coherent sentences regarding my top votes:

“Jack McDaniel - Discarded Demons” I read this story three or four times because I was absolutely enchanted with the world building and the over arcing story. The bonus for me was that she was hunting a demon in a futuristic scenario; it was unique and made me want to keep reading. Coupled with a futuristic Walther PPS and detailed lines like “her long leather jacket flapped behind her, strands of black hair fell on her face before the wind pushed them back” or the details in the final explosions, the fact that the missile came from beneath the bridge - these were details so realistic it felt like I was watching a movie play out in my mind. The weaving of familiar details in with futuristic details was phenomenal.

“Dean Hardage - Promise” A fabulous continuation to “Buying Time” from the September contest. I remember Dean and I having a conversation around the story as I didn’t get what was in the black suitcase. This was the perfect conclusion to why Kenji wanted to go back and revisit those memories in the first place. The seamlessness of the continuation really grabbed me.

“Jon Ricson - The Bridge Between Us” The sadness of the story really touched me. A very plausible future for us Midwesterners. Right from the beginning you described a section of Chicago that reminded me of a photograph I took. I took it in black and white, it was foggy and rainy and it made the scene desolate. Your story reminded me of that, sad, desperate and black & white. And I loved the ending, it was a tiny point of happiness and I wish they could have met, it would have been interesting to see what questions she would have asked him.

“SM Kraftchak - The Bridge to Nowhere”
This story grabbed me right from the get go, you weaved a thrilling story into so few words, a great tale of love and sacrifice and determination. The end was so sweet and the action really carried through to the end. Plus I thought the alien creatures you created were stunning and beautiful and I was very happy to know he’d made it and the egg was intact!

Heather MacGillivray - The Poetic Heart of Narcussus” I loved the thought of such a beautiful and innocent flower being deadly. The scenery you wove into the story itself was exceptional, and the abrupt ending was very well served. As others have mentioned, I think this was your best story you’ve written, at least since I’ve been a part of this group.

[Heather]

Thanks Carrie,

yes I think/hope that I am honing in towards (by deliberately attempting to enhance my writing skills) what I hope will become my strength one day (because certainly it is my interest): viz., story as essay ... especially such 'essays' on the inter-relationships between (so called) mythological archetypes and (so called) reality. And within that ... especially 'scientific reality' which, when it does harm, does that harm BECAUSE it - 'not believing in fairy tales' (to pinch a phrase from Jack's story) - sends its mythologies to the underworld ... the subconscious ... from where it can do enormous damage, in denial of its own heart, its own myths (irrespective of which ethnic cultures its myths are specific to and where that denial of myth is carried out, but The Marketplace is one place which is particularly vulnerable to that occurring, I think ... and, Family also can thrive or fail depending on the myths it internally shares or disputes ... or appeases.)

But this particular story, "The Poetic Heart of Narcissus", is based on the conflicting qualities within, and the experiences of those who come into too close contact with, either the narcissus plant or anyone whose mythological archetype is also grounded in both extremely beautiful qualities and extremely dangerous or toxic qualities, or, qualities that are at least personally costly to their 'victims', even to the point of death!

But for those who are obsessed with trying to find it, there is something (again dangerously) pure about the very heart of Narcissus poeticus (The Poet's Daffodil) - in plant or human form. And that 'pure thing' is (an uncompromising, ruthless, merciless absoluteness) an absolute oil. It is so excessively 'pure' or 'vulnerable to contamination' that it has to be kept compartmentalized ... away from 'seekers after it.' Woe betide them, literally, if such seekers (naively believing in a poetic-like purity) 'identify' it and try to hold onto it! (Absolute oils, or just 'absolutes', are distinct from essential oils. Absolutes are rarer, more expensive and harder to find/extract.)

At this link, for example, http://www.victorie-inc.us/narcissus.... it says,
Narcissus Absolute
Scientific Name: Narcissus poeticus
Origin: France
Distillation Method: Solvent Extraction
Plant Part Used: Flower
Safety: Non-irritant and non-sensitizing at 2% dilution.. Moderately toxic: All plants members of the Amaryllidaceae family, especially the bulbs, have a profound effect on the nervous system, causing paralysis. It should not be used for aromatherapy purposes.
Narcissus absolute is very rare and expensive. It is used in high-class perfumes. It has has a rich floral and green aroma. Absolutes are very concentrated. You will not be able to enjoy the true beauty of this oil smelling it directly out of the bottle.