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☠ Mind the Gap ☠ - (*) -
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Nate
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Dec 05, 2017 05:27AM
ugh
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Me too, me too..... but hey, plenty of time to turn that around. The day's not over.
*narrowed eyes* aren't you ever the optimist? sorry a bit unfiltered but you've known me long enough now. In person that is most likely the exact reaction you have been exposed to.
When you know I am already in a bad mood why start with me? Couldn't this topic wait to be discussed another day? Really? smh....
foul mood and no sleep = Lethal combination
Nate wrote: "*narrowed eyes* aren't you ever the optimist? sorry a bit unfiltered but you've known me long enough now. In person that is most likely the exact reaction you have been exposed to."
Lol that's the reaction I was kinda expecting. Weirdly enough I'm only an optimistic for other people. I'm actually super pessimistic. Richard hates it. It's part of my paranoia.
Day getting any better?
hmmmm, define better. I can relate, its easy to tell others things like 'tomorrows a new day' or 'its always darkest before the dawn' sappy shit like that.
I always say I am a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst so if it doesn't happen than its a good day.
Right now just trying to level out and not go off the deep end, already snapped at Cass twice smh, now I feel guilty...its like you know you're being unreasonable, you know you're not making sense your're making something small seems so huge and yet, you can't stop yourself. So, now I'm just sitting here trying not to say anything...I really need some solid sleep, not this broken shit. 2 hours here 20 minutes there. That's half my problem the other half ...I've missed like 4 doses.
Dude. That's not good. I hope you at least eased off of them rather than cold turkey. But no, not good at all. Why haven't you been taking it?On another note, that sounds exactly how Ted has been the last couple days. He's been snapping at everyone. Last night we got into this massive argument sparked by the placement of a table. There was more to it, but me asking (admittedly, for like the 3rd time. Part of my annoying obsessiveness) where I can move a table even just to get it out of the way for like 2 hours was what started it and pulled everything else up. Then like an idiot after we calmed from the first fight, I brought it up again. Long story short he took a hatchet to the table and took a long walk and I wound up having a panic attack (after he had gotten back and had calmed down. Kinda hard to explain the cause) and we both feel like shit, and... yeah. Like all day today I can tell he's been really agitated for no real reason still.
circumstances. Pharmacy not open when I get off work and closed by the time I leave for work at night. Too lazy to go back out for it, Cass picked it up but I forgot to take it the last two nights. whoa ok that actually..idk I mean I know I've lost my shit, threw a few phones and other objects but dude, a hatchet? to the table? A bit out of control. But damn I bet it felt good!
Maybe its this super moon? I've been extremely agitated the last few days I just figured it was lack of sleep.
Ah, gotcha. We had a similar case only instead it was one where his next appointment was after he ran out. He worked his way off it just fine and got back on it asap. Yeah, a bit. He has never gone this over the end before. It was only like this little end table which we picked up for like $3 at a thrift store, but he seemed way better after destroying it. Part of his issue is his mom raised him and she had bipolar too. A weird thing out of that is he never really learned self control as a result. But we decided to both see councilors. Me for my paranoia, obsessiveness, and unresolved past issues, and him for anger, past issues, etc. Since I am like a drug of sorts to him, I am also (unfortunately) the one who is able to most easily get under his skin. This was an overreaction on his part, but also a moment of stupidity on mine because I knew he was agitated and I kinda poked the beast. Not intentionally, but still. It was a weird situation.
Possible. For him I know a lot of it is related to stress from the move and the house being a mess of tools and boxes and such. For you it makes sense with the meds and insomnia. Never know, though.
when I was younger and still fighting the whole thing, I'd do the one two skip a few dosing. but yeah I try to take it but there are times I don't, either I forget or just say to hell with it, too much effort to go pick it up. Cass is my voice of reason, and my calming agent but also the one I normally aim for when irritated, same with mum. I know its hurtful and I try, I mean really try not to which is when I shut down and she's kind of got it now that if I'm in that mode, just let me be, I just need time to work through it and ride out the wave. which are less and less. but when they hit its fast and furious.
I suppose I should thank my parents cus, there was always a consequence to my temper tantrums, and even once I was diagnosed it was never allowed to be an 'excuse', I had no choice but to learn to control it a bit...trust me I'd love to take a hatchet to a table....though mum did allow me to throw a few glass bottles against the garage wall, as long as I cleaned up the glass and never let my father know about it.
Not gonna lie I've put a few holes in the walls, to which I had to repair or hire someone to repair them. when I threw my phone and busted it...I went without a phone or one time I had to use mums old pink razor phone. PINK!!! a pink phone! ugh that was humiliating.
makes sense
10:55 PM and I'm finally feeling a bit tired, having a hard time holding my eyes open. 'night infidels
Gotcha. Kinda the same with him with the rage aspect. We are working things out and figuring it all out as we go. I'd say he only looses his cool maybe 2-3 times a year, often when manic or in some other similarly bad, stressed state. Usually he's good. But his mom wasn't anywhere near how yours is. She is just as likely to punch a hole in a wall as he is
Trust me its not a good feeling when that wave surges through you. That rage. It leaves you feeling...less than? you know, cus no one likes to lose control but to not be in control of your own self....that's hard to cope with, especially knowing full well the impact it has on those you care about. You throw childish temper tantrums and say hurtful things, I'm sure its quite traumatizing & it leaves you feeling that you are somehow defective. Unable to even control your own emotions. Everyone gets pissed off, I can even say with certainty that everyone at some point in their lives has thrown something, or punched something, screamed in anger, something ...but when you take that to the next level and your in full on lunatic mode....its shameful and embarrassing.
Afterwards not only are you ashamed of how you behaved but now that anger is still there simmering cus now your angry with yourself for losing it ...it like a repetitive cycle.
Unless you've been through it, its really hard to describe.
There was this one time, Idek what the hell set me off but I was in quite a foul mood and something set me off and in a fit of anger I threw a glass across the room at the far wall. Cass was standing right next to me and picked up a pillow and slammed it to the ground...then she looked up at me and stumped on the pillow. The whole thing was so absurd that I just there for a moment like wtf, then she laughed and Idk next thing I knew I was laughing with her. ..The pillow made no sound, the glass I threw shattered into a million pieces with a crash, so it was like, what was the point? there was no fury behind the silence of the pillow hitting the floor. Idk what her thought process was but that day it broke that cycle.
..way more info than you cared to know eh?
I hope things level out for him and you.
Yeah, that sounds like what Richard has told me and what I've observed. I'm usually calm and cool so I haven't fully experienced something like that. Closest I can think of is maybe when I was a kid, or once when something Richard kept doing was driving me up a wall. Tbh I don't feel like I react normal to a lot of situations. It takes a lot to tip me to a certain point, and when I do I don't usually feel regret. I feel like I'm feeling something like regret, but it doesn't feel real. There is some part of me deep, deep down that almost feels.... satisfied? Idk how to describe it. I can tell I am exhibiting the expected emotion yet it doesn't feel like I really am deep down. It's like I'm numb to it, or detached. I feel like that a lot, actually. I hate it. Even beyond that, I hate when we fight because I feel like it is not affecting me properly. I could be crying my eyes out but I don't know that I feel sad, exactly. Some sick part of me almost feels satisfied. I really don't know how to describe it. My friends always joke about how they are the most scared of me and think if anyone snaps, it would be me. Like one of our veteran friends is convinced I am the scariest one, and this being the same guy who also determined I am a Disney princess. It's that emptiness that makes me feel like they are right and that I really am the one most likely to snap.
Sorry, that was probably tmi...
Do you think you suppress your own emotions for fear of how it would effect others around you? ..I sometimes wonder..no, tbh know for a fact Cass does that, like if I'm having a bad day or I'm in a foul mood she feels if she's upset or angry its going to push me over the edge, if I'm in a good mood she doesn't want to bring it down, does that make sense? & That makes me feel bad, like how selfish is it of me, that she can't even express how she is feeling because of me? So maybe that emptiness is you not being able to express your true emotions? Over time that can lead to resentment. (Cass and I have had this discussion, even though I've told her not to hold back I think she still does)
idk...I'm getting too deep now.
Lynx ~ 10/1 Never Forgetten wrote: "Sorry, that was probably tmi..."nah, It's interesting analyzing someone else.
Umm... to an extent, I guess. I've always been sorta like that, but it has gotten worse over time. As I've mentioned before, I was always the really quiet and reserved kid. Always. I was fairly resilient, but I was quiet. Then I got pulled out of school and my contacts boiled down to mainly family and church. We moved multiple times, still the same. I buried my nose in book after book. My favorite book featured a girl who was strong, silent, and reserved. I wanted to be like her. Add to that an extreme politeness. It was drilled into me not to stare, not to interrupt, etc. As a kid I would stand to the side for as long as it took for the adults to know I was there. Sometimes that would be 5-20 minutes but I would not interrupt. I was more likely to find the adults and just quietly listen to them talk, rather than finding people my own age and interacting with them. I felt less detached emotionally, but I didn't exhibit much. I learned to express my emotions online more than anything because that was where I could truly feel free to be myself. Then life went to shit and my pride took a hit. I started opening my eyes and mind to the world around me as life changed rapidly. I wound up in Oregon and got stuck living with a sociopathic con artist bitch who tried to turn everyone against me and Richard, then once we got out of that we had the shooting happen and whatnot. Just basically a shit load. At the bitch's place I learned a lot of people can not be trusted, and I started to learn more about living with my man. Then the shooting made me push my emotions into a bottle because I was a mess. Now I'm still learning how to live with Richard and yeah, my mood changes at least slightly to try and help level him out. But... idk. Part of me wonders if a lot of my issue has to do with the bitch and the shooting. Like I put my emotions on lock and key and though I still exhibit the emotions (to an extent) I do not feel them as much. Then also cutting out the church sometimes also leaves me feeling a little empty, though I was actually weirdly relieved and liberated when I got rid of it. I don't know. I think it is a mix of many things that changed how I think and feel. Like I did it to protect myself and to help the one I love. Idk if any of this makes sense?
From the sounds of it, this started way before the Bitch and the shooting. I'm sure they didn't help matters just triggered other things.Would you care to make an appointment with my secretary? jk
Yeah, probably. I am a weirdo. I plan to go talk to like am actual professional about how messed up I am. :/ Figure out what's wrong and start fixing it, you know?
Aren't we all? ..weird that is. no more messed up than the rest of rest us. At least you are willing to admit there's an issue and work towards a solution which is more than half the battle and more than most are willing to do.
g'luck
This thread got way too deep....and revealing. Ok, 'nuff of this shit. Rest of you, carry on, nothing more to see.
We need a lighter topic, any suggestions? .*crickets chirping* ..yeah that's what I thought.
I got another text from the lady we are getting the puppy from. It has been determined that Fenrir is just like Richard is to me. Likes to pull and tug on pants but is a huge kisser. XD
....I could have gone a life time not knowing that. When do you get to bring the pup home? When he gets big enough let me know, I have a cat he can eat...I mean meet.
Mwahahaha. I knew you'd say that. But where's the fun in that? ;) She said a week before Christmas, so Im guessing im the 15th to 20th range. We haven't worked a specific date yet. But we still have organizing and painting to do to puppy-proof the place so that should be perfect timing.
It's like having a kid...*rethinking this wanting a dog thing*
the first of many manuals and shit to read....ugh
Got called into work early. On a short break while we refuel. It's gonna be a loooooong night, just got done with an 11 car pile up. The two way is lit, calls everywhere.
Mod
c a i t l y n ~ lost inside a memory ~ wrote: "Welcome to the 300+ folder"Danke Schoen
I somehow expect more...confetti, balloons, a bit of champagne,perhaps? Idk something. C'est la vie
I worked 28 hours just bwt Friday and Saturday alone, my usual shift last night, I still work Wed and Thurs...it's gonna be an awesome pay check! OT = Time + 1/2 cha ching! cha ching! BooYA!
yikes that's a lot of hours, but I can see it. I work 12 hour shifts so if I stayed a little late one of those days it could add up, the way the schedule works at my job I get overtime every other week.
Yeah friday night was 16 hours and then like 12 on Sat. Bad weather hit, they weren't prepared, wrecks everywhere. Multi car pile ups. It was a mess.
My regular shift can be anywhere from 8- 10 hours, on rare occasions a bit more or less.
Elizabeth wrote: "yikes that's a lot of hours, but I can see it. I work 12 hour shifts so if I stayed a little late one of those days it could add up, the way the schedule works at my job I get overtime every other ..."nice. That ot is always nice. extra $$
calculating the ot, ok aprx 12-13 hours ot @ time and a 1/2....*does a happy dance*
*Needle sliding across a record sound* Inner voice. wait...play it cool, if you celebrate, the powers that be will descend upon you and make bad things happen...all that extra cash will go towards some fixing some unexpected and unfortunate mishap.
*takes a seat on the couch* just another Monday night at home watching TV
cycling crashing,
hyper mode fading quick.
This is surely going to trigger a headache,
hopefully it remains just that,
a headache opposed to a migraine.
I have no idea what is up with that ^formatting.... odd...*dark thought* nvr md the migraine, maybe its a brain hemorrhage?
I see your glass, and raise you two more...on the rocks. House rules
"Wehn you dance with the devil, you don't alsways get to pick the tune."
Thought you'd appreciate this. Richard has a notebook I got him which says "Plans for World Domination" on it. As you can guess, Fenrir is not yet house trained. He crapped on it twice now. XD Shows what he thinks of those plans....
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