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In-Between Life and Death (Jocelyn Frost, #2)
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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Please Help with Blurb

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message 1: by Relina (new) - added it

Relina Skye (relinaskye) | 69 comments Hi Everyone! I need your help with my blurb for the sequel to my first novel. I feel like it is one long run on sentence. What else should I add to it?

Blurb:
When Jocelyn Frost, Daughter of Balder, is held accountable for the true deaths of four vampires, she does everything in her power to save herself from being taken advantage of by their clan.


message 2: by Relina (new) - added it

Relina Skye (relinaskye) | 69 comments Or is this one better:

Held accountable for the true deaths of four vampires, Jocelyn Frost, needs to save herself from their clan. As an employee of the Bureau of Converging Worlds, she has some protection, if she does not mind wearing a vampire repellent perfume, have her home warded against unwanted guests and wear a bracelet that may or may not be cursed. But that’s all part of working between dimensions with every type of mythos and fae she can name as co-workers.
All Jocelyn has to do is survive the terms of her ten-year contract with BCW and the new stipulations tacked on as a form of punishment for her transgression. Can the people in her life can be trusted? Can she learn to control her light magic, which is what got her into this mess in the first place, or will that ability continue to remain unreliable?


message 3: by Lena (new)

Lena | 172 comments Mod
The first one doesn't give enough details. The second one is a good start, but I'd lose the question mark on the last two sentences, and word them so that we still wonder but without making it a question.


message 4: by Gavin (new)

Gavin Tonks | 7 comments The true deaths of four vampires, found Jocelyn Frost accountable. Her ten year contract working between dimensions with fae creatures who want revenge for their departed leaves her exposed to certain death . The Bureau of Converging Worlds where she works gives their employees vampire repellent perfume and cursed bracelets to wear, plus her weak magic may give her a slight chance at a future.


message 5: by Relina (new) - added it

Relina Skye (relinaskye) | 69 comments Thank you all for your suggestions. I'm still thinking about what would work best.

Robin Hill reworked it like this, please tell me what you think:

Held accountable for the true deaths of four vampires, Jocelyn Frost needs to save herself from their clan. As an employee of the Bureau of Converging Worlds, she has some protection.

If she doesn’t mind wearing vampire repellent perfume.

If she doesn’t mind having her home warded against unwanted guests.

If she doesn’t mind wearing a bracelet that may or may not be cursed.

But that’s all part of working between dimensions, with every type of mythos and fae imaginable as co-workers. All Jocelyn has to do is survive the terms of her ten-year contract with her employer, which, as it turns out, includes a brand new set of stipulations tacked on as a form of punishment for her transgression.

But what choice does she have. She has to trust these “people”, right?


message 6: by Fiona (new)

Fiona Hurley (fiona_hurley) | 33 comments Overall, it grabbed my interest and I really like it.

The only part that made me stop was the phrase "includes a brand new set of stipulations tacked on as a form of punishment for her transgression." I wondered if these were the same "stipulations" mentioned before (vampire repellent perfume etc.) or different type of stipulations (and if so, why not provide some hint of what these are?)


message 7: by Relina (last edited Jan 10, 2016 02:15PM) (new) - added it

Relina Skye (relinaskye) | 69 comments How about this:

Held accountable for the true deaths of four vampires, Jocelyn Frost needs to save herself from their clan. As an employee of the Bureau of Converging Worlds, they offer to give her some new forms of protection while she serves the terms of her punishment.

If she doesn’t mind wearing vampire repellent perfume.

If she doesn’t mind having her home warded against unwanted guests.

If she doesn’t mind wearing a bracelet that may or may not be cursed.

But as any demigoddess from Earth comes to learn after being drafted by the BCW, that’s all part of working between dimensions with every type of mythos and fae imaginable as co-workers. All Jocelyn has to do is survive the terms of her ten-year contract with her employer, learn how to gain control of her light magic and avoid the vampires that want to use her as a weapon.


message 8: by Fiona (new)

Fiona Hurley (fiona_hurley) | 33 comments Intriguing. I like it.


message 9: by Relina (new) - added it

Relina Skye (relinaskye) | 69 comments Thank you! I appreciate all of the help.


message 10: by Robin (last edited Jan 11, 2016 07:33PM) (new)

Robin Hill (robinhill) Relina, it's hard to help, not knowing the full story, but it seems to me you'd probably want to simplify it:

Held accountable for the true deaths of four vampires, Jocelyn Frost needs to save herself from their vengeful clan. As an employee of the Bureau of Converging Worlds, she is offered protection, but on their terms.

If she doesn’t mind wearing vampire repellent perfume.

If she doesn’t mind having her home warded against unwanted guests.

If she doesn’t mind wearing a bracelet that may or may not be cursed.

But as the demigoddess from Earth soon learns, it’s all just part of the job at the BCW.

(and I'd indent the middle 3 lines)


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