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Archived Workshop No New Posts > Another blurb needing feedback, please!

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message 1: by Melanie (new)

Melanie Tomlin | 52 comments Hot on the heels of my needing help with the blurb for Angel's Kiss, I'm now hoping that you wonderful people can help with the blurb for the second book in the Angel Series — Angel's Curse. (For those of you who don't know, the series is urban fantasy, bordering on dark fantasy.)

I'm really trying to get on top of everything well in advance of publication this time around! At this stage I'm thinking the last sentence may need to go.

Anyway, here it is:
What lengths would you go to for revenge?

Helena is furious beyond belief. What the angels did to her, and what they did to Danizriel, is unforgivable. Now she’s out for revenge!

The solstice sees a coordinated blitz on the angels by thousands of vampires, an attack that is orchestrated by none other than Helena. Drake provides her with three single-use weapons from the time of the fall — powerful enough to kill archangels — in exchange for enough weapons to devastate the angelic armies.

Three archangels down, one to go.

To finish what she’s started, Helena has to go to hell, and deal with something more frightening than death itself.

The stakes are high. Helena gambles with her soul. If she loses, the devil takes all. She may be wily, but has she got what it takes to pull off the kind of bluff that even Satan would fall for?

Many thanks in advance for your help!


message 2: by Melanie (new)

Melanie Tomlin | 52 comments Wow, the silence is deafening. Does it mean my blurb is so terrible that it can't be salvaged? (I really hope not.) Maybe it means the blurb is wonderful and needs no further work? (I doubt that.)

Okay, so here's my tweaked version. I really would appreciate it if someone out there could provide some feedback. Pretty please, with sugar on top! :-D

What lengths would you go to for revenge?

Helena is furious beyond belief. What the angels did to her, and what they did to Danizriel, is unforgivable. Now she's out for revenge!

A coordinated blitz takes place on the solstice. Thousands of vampires lay waste to the angels, in an attack orchestrated by Helena. But to finish what she's started, Helena has to go to hell, and deal with something more frightening than death itself.

With three archangels down and one to go, Helena gambles with her soul. If she loses, the devil takes it all.

She may be wily, but has she got what it takes to pull off the kind of bluff that even Satan would fall for?


message 3: by Elí (new)

Elí Freysson (eli_freysson) Okay, I'll throw in my two cents:

As someone who hasn't read the previous book I have no idea who Danizriel is, so maybe consider something like "what they did to her lover," or whoever Danizriel is to her.

Overall I have to say this text doesn't flow very well. It feels more like a bunch of movie taglines strung together, especially with that exclamation mark.
But the second text is definitely better, I'd say.


message 4: by Melanie (new)

Melanie Tomlin | 52 comments Thanks Elí and V.M. I appreciate your help.

I still want to keep that bold line (it is meant to be more of a tagline).

It's good to know that I was heading down the right path, even if I was taking the scenic route!

I've massaged it a little bit more based on the suggestions. I cringed at using the word 'lover' (I think that's just a 'me' thing), so Danizriel stays, but I've clarified who he is in a very broad sense.

What lengths would you go to for revenge?

Helena is furious beyond belief. What the angels did to her, and one of their own kind — Danizriel — is unforgivable. Now she's out for revenge.

A coordinated blitz takes place on the solstice and thousands of vampires lay waste to the angels, in an attack orchestrated by Helena. In exchange for enough weapons to devastate the angelic armies, she receives three weapons from the time of the fall — powerful enough to kill archangels.

With three archangels down and one to go, Helena gambles with her soul to pull off the kind of bluff that even Satan might fall for. If she loses, the devil takes it all.


message 5: by Nicole (new)

Nicole Luckourt (nicole_luckourt) | 22 comments I'm new to book blurb writing, but I shared the same sentiments regarding the "devil" line being a strong one. I like the rework above that keeps the part about her bluff but also moves the devil line to the end.


message 6: by Mike (new)

Mike Williamson | 19 comments And a few more cent's worth, stealing the best of other suggestions...

To finish what she’s started, Helena has to go to hell and deal with something more frightening than death itself.

In revenge for what the angels did to her and Danizrel, she organises a blitz. Thousands of vampires lay waste to the angelic host using ancient weapons powerful enough to destroy even archangels.

With three down and one to go, Helena gambles with her soul. If she loses, the devil takes all. Dare she try to make a fool out of Satan?

...You could expand para2
Who is Danizrel? Chum, pet cat?
Brief hint at what was done to them.
she seems to give away 'enough weapons...' in exchange for three - bit puzzling.

Good luck


message 7: by Melanie (new)

Melanie Tomlin | 52 comments Thanks, Mike.

I see where you're coming, though the 'ancient' weapons are only needed to kill the archangels, as they are more powerful than your average angel.

I'm pretty happy with how the blurb has turned out, but I will make a few minor adjustments based on your comments. Hopefully I won't stuff it up in the process!

What lengths would you go to for revenge?

Helena is furious beyond belief. She can’t forgive the angels for trying to kill her, and Danizriel, who sought only to help her. Now she’s out for revenge.

A coordinated blitz takes place on the solstice and thousands of vampires lay waste to the angelic host, in an attack orchestrated by Helena. In exchange for her help she receives three weapons from the time of the fall — powerful enough to destroy archangels.

With three archangels down and one to go, Helena gambles with her soul to pull off the kind of bluff that even Satan might fall for. If she loses, the devil takes it all.


message 8: by Mike (new)

Mike Williamson | 19 comments Good!


message 9: by Melanie (new)

Melanie Tomlin | 52 comments Thanks, Mike! :-D


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