Everything I Never Told You, by Celeste Ng (Anything Goes BOM) Start Date: December 12, 2015

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12/12-- Day 1 Discussion Questions Chapters 1-2

1. Do you like the book so far? Why did you decide to read it? Is this a genre you normally read? - I'll say yes because I like the author's style but I do sometimes get frustrated when a book starts with a mystery or a big event and then goes off on a tangent. I like the sound of it and yes it's the type of book I often like to read.

2. Lydia dies May 3rd, 1977 (first lines of the book so this isn't a spoiler) and Lydia's parents met in September 1957. What differences and similarities do you see in regards to race and gender relations between these two time frames in the book (or in history, if you looked it up)? What part does it play in the Lee family dynamics? - I think the different but similar struggles James and Marilyn have are interesting. In some ways we have come a long way but in others not so much.

3. What do you think of Lydia's mother, Marilyn's description of her first born daughter's first steps and the line "...Lydia, still small enough to cradle, had secrets" ? How is Lydia different than her siblings? - I could understand the reaction of I wonder what else I may have missed as it would seem that Lydia has been walking a bit before Marilyn has seen it. But it's a bit weird that it seems she feels that somehow Lydia has been deliberately hiding it from her. I wonder if Marilyn is, perhaps unconsciously, wanting Lydia to live the life that she didn't and so is pushing/wanting her to be exceptional.

4. How does your high school experience compare with Lydia's? Why do you think Lydia doesn't have any "real" friends? What other things do you think Lydia is letting her parents believe are true to meet her parents' expectations? - I think partly what sets her apart is her ethnicity and the fact that she works hard/is clever. Children/teenagers tend to pick on differences and can ostracise those they feel are different - it happened then and it happens now. I think she doesn't tell her parents about it partly because she doesn't want to disappoint or worry them, partly because teenagers are often secretive when it comes to their parents and partly out of embarrassment.

5. Why do you think Lydia's siblings, Nath and Hannah, do not tell their parents about Lydia's friendship with Jack? Do you think Jack is involved in Lydia's disappearance and/or death? - I don't remember Hannah mentioning Jack but Nath doesn't like him and so would prefer not to acknowledge him. It's too soon to say but I think he may be a bit of a red herring.

6. Who do you think Hannah saw/heard on Wednesday at 2AM? - I think it's likely that she did see Lydia leave the house,

7. What do you think of Lydia's body being found at a lake when Lydia could not swim? - I didn't really think anything.

8. What do you think of the first lines of Chapter 2, "How did it begin? Like everything: with mothers and fathers... Because more than anything, her mother had wanted to stand out; because more than anything, her father wanted to blend in. Because those things had been impossible" ? Where are you on the personality spectrum of wanting to stand out versus wanting to blend in? - I thought it was very true. So much of what we are is a product of our environment. I'm a bit of a mixture I don't just want to blend in but I don't want to stand out too much either.

9. What do you think of Marilyn and James' courtship and marriage? What do you think happened in 1966 that made Marilyn disappear for a few days and do you think it is related to Lydia's disappearance and death? - They are from very different backgrounds and don't really know each other when they marry. I think the disappearance is linked to the fact that Marilyn even when pregnant was still so sure how her life would turn out and what she would accomplish. I think she was unhappy and maybe she wanted to to do something for herself but James felt that it would conflict with 'her duties as a mother'. I'm not seeing a connection at the moment.

[Apoorv]

Discussion Questions
Chapters 1-2

1. Do you like the book so far? Why did you decide to read it? Is this a genre you normally read?
I did like the book from the very start, purely because it hit the right note from the first page. I had my eye on this from sometime after seeing friends and different groups reading/discussing it. This time when it was chosen as the BOM and would also work for TT4, I couldnt say no anymore. I also do tend to read books from this or similar genre, so the transition into the world Celeste Ng created was fairly smooth for me.

2. Lydia dies May 3rd, 1977 (first lines of the book so this isn't a spoiler) and Lydia's parents met in September 1957. What differences and similarities do you see in regards to race and gender relations between these two time frames in the book (or in history, if you looked it up)? What part does it play in the Lee family dynamics?
1970s, from what I hear, was the true transition era.. things were on the upswing and a lot was happening. Biracial relations/marriages were strictly frowned upon in the 1950s (were even illegal in many places, if not all), but come 1970s the attitude towards them was changing but they will still on the cusp of that transition, so the struggles for the Lee family, though not as abominable as they would have been in the 1950s were still real in the 70s. The author captures the essence earnestly and presents them beautifully. What is more interesting is that we get to read the story from the 1950s perspective, the 1970s angle and the 2015s perception.. and I cant stop thinking how different would have Lydia's life been had she been born 20 years later.

3. What do you think of Lydia's mother, Marilyn's description of her first born daughter's first steps and the line "...Lydia, still small enough to cradle, had secrets" ? How is Lydia different than her siblings?
Its more of the mother than the baby that is concerned here. Marilyn is stuck with the failures/unadequacies of her own life.. so much so, that she is unable to focus on the progress her little baby is making. Lydia, being an overachiever in many aspects becomes her mother's sole bearer of expectations, differentiating her from her siblings solely in the eyes of the parents.

4. How does your high school experience compare with Lydia's? Why do you think Lydia doesn't have any "real" friends? What other things do you think Lydia is letting her parents believe are true to meet her parents' expectations?
High School days can truly be life-changing for any teenager. Personally for me, I did not go to High School in America and it was late 1990s when that happened, so things were different than what we chance upon here, but I completely understand (and have probably seen) teasing happening based skin color, body type, habits, sexual orientation, introvertness and so many other factors.. and kids can get evil doing this. Add a different race, or background to the mix and things just get ugly. Kids like Lydia get cornered and just end up being extremely lonely which can drive them to extremes. Parents like Lydia's make matters worse by just being too self-involved and thereby emotionally distant from their children.

5. Why do you think Lydia's siblings, Nath and Hannah, do not tell their parents about Lydia's friendship with Jack? Do you think Jack is involved in Lydia's disappearance and/or death?
Nath and Hannah never bother telling their parents about Jack, because they are assuming (and probably rightly so) that their parents would either never believe anything of this kind about Lydia and/or would not care what the siblings have to say because of their extra involvement in Lydia. They have an honest fear that their voice is not valued and nor is would be heard.

6. Who do you think Hannah saw/heard on Wednesday at 2AM?
At this point, I felt it was Jack.

7. What do you think of Lydia's body being found at a lake when Lydia could not swim?
At this point, I was contemplating foul play.

8. What do you think of the first lines of Chapter 2, "How did it begin? Like everything: with mothers and fathers... Because more than anything, her mother had wanted to stand out; because more than anything, her father wanted to blend in. Because those things had been impossible" ? Where are you on the personality spectrum of wanting to stand out versus wanting to blend in?
This line probably was one my favourite lines in the entire book. It deftly elaborates on the eternal struggle most people face in their daily lives. Personally for me, I am an introvert by nature and I can easily adjust to anything but I make it a point that I am never run-of-the-mill.

9. What do you think of Marilyn and James' courtship and marriage? What do you think happened in 1966 that made Marilyn disappear for a few days and do you think it is related to Lydia's disappearance and death?
It didnt do much for me.. I found it bland and just forced. They seemed to fit well but for me they seemed like they were never meant to be.

[Apoorv]

Discussion Questions - II
Chapters 3-4

10. Nathan has decided not to let anyone know about his suspicions about Jack. Has your opinion about Jack or his possible role in Lydia’s disappearance and death changed after Nathan confronted him and/or after he overheard the exchange between Jack and the police?
Actually no. I did not suspect him even at this point but somewhere I am just not ready to eliminate him from the picture just yet. He seems to be a key piece in this puzzle, but its just too obvious for him to be the reason behind Lydia's death.

11. James begins a new kind of relationship with his research assistant, Louisa Chen. What role, if any, do you think his daughter’s death/ funeral play in his moving toward this change? Do your opinions of James (as a dad, husband, character) change as a result of their relationship?
He stepped out of this marriage ONLY after his daughter died, had that not been the case, he wouldnt have moved into Louisa's bed. IMO, and it doesnt change, he exhibits extreme weakness each time life confronts him with anything. He constantly lets others run his life purely because he wishes to fit in. He is troubled I understand, but he isnt even showing any self-reliant strength to atleast try to fix what is broken.

12. In the flashback to 1965 in chapter 4, we see some of the various pressures that Marilyn feels on her life and her decisions. Are there any areas in your own life where you feel competing pressures or expectations that influence your decisions?
Fortunately for me, so far, and this is undoubtedly thanks to my parents , I have stuck to what I have chosen in my life without having to explain the decisions or being forced upon anything my them. I make sure, that even though I have an open ear and mind to incorporate anything that comes my way, but the final decision is always mine and I bear the responsibility of it all.

13. When Jack and Nathan are at the pool, Nathan is teased by his peers. Jack remembers his own experiences with teasing. What did you think of the way that Jack handled the situation at the pool? How did Jack’s expectations for Nathan and Nathan's behavior contribute to the situation and how it went? Why doesn’t he tell Marilyn what happened?
This whole sequence infuriated me to no bounds. Its disappointing to see James's reaction to the whole scene and how he, in a display of self-absorbed weakness, never bothered to strengthen his kid's mind by sharing his own experiences and helping him understand how they shaped him, creating some kind of a bond between them. There is no communication between the child and his parent and that can never be good.

14. In the summer of 1965, Marilyn leaves her family for a period of time. What did you think of that decision and how she did it? Did it change your thoughts about her as a mother, a wife, a character?
This family is truly a classic case. Neither the mother nor the father, individually and together are fit enough to be worthy parents to their children. Marilyn hastily married, then regretted everything about it when things didnt turn out the way she wished.. and running away was her way out. I keep saying James is weak, and he is, but Marilyn even through her facade of staunchness leaks weakness.

15. Marilyn finds her mother’s old cookbook with advice about being a good housewife. What do you think they’d each say about being stay-at-home mothers? Do you think one is happier or more satisfied?
One is happy when one learns to accept the repurcussions of his/her decisions. You cannot expect things to go a certain way when you path leads you to the opposite direction. More than happy there is something called as satisfaction which matters.. her mother somewhere felt more satisfied and maybe that was one of the reasons for Marilyn's disgust towards her mothers' lifestyle.

16. Already, the novel says a lot about how people are influenced by their parents. How did your parents influence your childhood and teenage years? Do you think they understood their influence (and the limits of their influence) on you?
Parents are by far the most critical people that can influence a child's character. Fortunately (and I really consider this as my fortune), my parents were extremely liberal not only in their attitude towards me but also in thought. They changed their way of shaping me as I grew, playing along with my needs but never letting me go out-of-hand. More than anything, they made sure I was a human first before anything else.. they kept my head held high but my feet firmly stuck to the ground.

17. What do you think of the author’s use of flashbacks in this novel? Do you like this strategy? Does it work well here?
I do like them. It can go very wrong very fast but the author used to great effect and thats appreciable.

[Melissa]

Dec 14 - Day 3 Discussion Questions Chapters 5-6

18. Hannah has made a promise that she will find out what happened to Lydia. Do you think she feels guilty for not speaking up about what she saw the night Lydia disappeared?
I think she does feel guilty for not speaking up when she saw her sneak out.

19. In Chapter 5 when the police stop to update the Lees, James seems embarrassed when Officer Fiske mentions Lydia's lack of friends, and Marilyn just talks about Lydia's school work and intelligence. Do you think this foreshadows something, or is this just fitting in with the theme of the book? Do you think the police are looking into Lydia's parents as suspects? Does their suspicion have merit?
I think this is showing what their parents cared about regarding Lydia. They didn't know or care about who she was - only those aspects of her.

20. Marilyn finds Lydia's hidden contraband. Do you think Lydia was really using these items, or were they placed there to gain attention?
Not sure - it seems to be a weird place to keep them if she wanted attention. They seem to be more placed there to keep them hidden.

21. There seems to be some familial violence like Hannah being under the table when her parents are fighting and James slapping Nath when he asks about astronauts. Do you think this has always been this way, or only during stressful times like Lydia's death and Marilyn leaving? Do you think the violence plays a part in Lydia's death?
I do not think it has always been that way. Not sure if it plays a part in her death.

22. Even Marilyn, who was studying to be a doctor thinks of a "man" when she hears the word doctor? I work in the ER as a nurse. The male nurses are still mistaken for doctors and our female doctors are mistaken for nurses. Is anyone else guilty of thinking this way?
I do not think this way.

23. Marilyn finds out she's pregnant with Hannah so she gives up on her schooling again. Do you think Marilyn resents Hannah because of this? Do you think this is why Hannah seems to be ignored by the rest of the family?
Most likely this has something to do with it. I think most of the reason is that Lydia is the only person both parents care about so Nath and Hannah get ignored.

24. During the scene where Nath pushes Lydia into the lake she seems to accept death and let herself drown. What do you think of this scene? Was she unhappy back at this point in her life?
I think Lydia was so depressed and unhappy even back then and neither of her parents cared to notice. They were both so caught up in their own failed lives.

[Melissa]

Discussion Questions
Dec 15 Chapters 7-8 Pages 158-216

25. Nath and Lydia seem to be very close up until a bit before her death. How much of the fact that Nath was going off to college do you think impacted what happened to Lydia?
I think that may have something to do with it. I think that Lydia is feeling extra pressure because Nath is no longer there to buffer and make her feel better. She knows she is fully alone.

26. I've often joked when our eldest does something ridiculous that "Oh well, this one's ruined, we'll try again with the next." However, the Lee's seem to have actually taken that to heart. Why do you think it was Lydia that they focused on?
I think her mother focused on her because she was the only girl. I think her father focused on her because Nath reminded him too much of himself.

27. Do you think Lydia mentioned she was failing at physics just to put attention back on herself? Does she hate and crave the attention?
I think she mentioned it because she was too sad to think about Nath moving and leaving without her.

28. The affair has been found out! Or at least very strongly confirmed. What do you think the fallout will be?
I honestly do not care. Both of these despicable parents deserve what they get.

29. Thoughts on Jack? Thoughts on what really happened? I think Jack is just as lost and lonely as the Lee family. Instead of Nath giving him a chance he shoved him away and is holding anger for no reason. I think if Nath wasn't so quick to judge people (like what people do to him) he would have had a friend in Jack.

[Kelsey]

Chapters 7-8 Pages 158-216

25. Nath and Lydia seem to be very close up until a bit before her death. How much of the fact that Nath was going off to college do you think impacted what happened to Lydia?
I think that Nath was her one constant person. When her mom left and her Dad became a bit detached from the family, Lydia and Nath only had each other to depend on. He was her friend, the person who cared enough to save her a seat on the bus. She is afraid to lose him, but I don't think that this was the reasoning for her death.

26. I've often joked when our eldest does something ridiculous that "Oh well, this one's ruined, we'll try again with the next." However, the Lee's seem to have actually taken that to heart. Why do you think it was Lydia that they focused on?
Marilyn was living through Lydia, she wanted Lydia to have her dreams and instead of seeing what Lydia wanted to do, she just pushed her vision. It is honestly very sad and tough to see a parent treat a child like that.

27. Do you think Lydia mentioned she was failing at physics just to put attention back on herself? Does she hate and crave the attention?
I think this was done to shock the family back into focus. Pay attention to me and pay attention to me now, because guess what I am not as wonderful as you want me to be and you are not going to be able to pave my road because I am not you. It is a lot of pressure for a child to be under when she really has no interest and is just trying to please her mother.

28. The affair has been found out! Or at least very strongly confirmed. What do you think the fallout will be?
I really don't know how upset Marilyn will be given that she took off on the family and is really absorbed in the death of her child. Clearly she will be upset and perhaps it will end their marriage, but I think their marriage has been not very good for some time.

29. Thoughts on Jack? Thoughts on what really happened?
Jack honestly just seems like a boy that wants to be seen. I think he empathizes with Lydia because she feels so isolated and although Jack seems cool, he has no parent around to guide him.

[Mint]

Day 1 Discussion Questions Chapters 1-2

1. Do you like the book so far? Why did you decide to read it? Is this a genre you normally read?
The book seems to be interesting. It's a BOM and it's a mystery book. I haven't read a mystery book in a while too, and no, it's not what i normally read.

2. Lydia dies May 3rd, 1977 (first lines of the book so this isn't a spoiler) and Lydia's parents met in September 1957. What differences and similarities do you see in regards to race and gender relations between these two time frames in the book (or in history, if you looked it up)? What part does it play in the Lee family dynamics?
I'm not fond of rereading history, though i love the subject. It's a difficult question, but i think the Lee family has been under pressure and fear of getting judged?

3. What do you think of Lydia's mother, Marilyn's description of her first born daughter's first steps and the line "...Lydia, still small enough to cradle, had secrets" ? How is Lydia different than her siblings?
Lydia must be a smart girl, to be able to walk on her own, OR that she wasn't given much attention that she decided to teach herself to walk, as little as she was.

4. How does your high school experience compare with Lydia's? Why do you think Lydia doesn't have any "real" friends? What other things do you think Lydia is letting her parents believe are true to meet her parents' expectations?
My high school is not that similar to her. I think she thinks that she doesn't belong with them. Her whole paper life.

5. Why do you think Lydia's siblings, Nath and Hannah, do not tell their parents about Lydia's friendship with Jack? Do you think Jack is involved in Lydia's disappearance and/or death?
because of fear. Definitely fear of getting scolded and hated by their parents. Might be. But that can' t be proven with mere assumptions yet. The story has just begun.
6. Who do you think Hannah saw/heard on Wednesday at 2AM?
Lydia, mist probably.
7. What do you think of Lydia's body being found at a lake when Lydia could not swim?
It's either she drowned or she fell off the boat.

8. What do you think of the first lines of Chapter 2, "How did it begin? Like everything: with mothers and fathers... Because more than anything, her mother had wanted to stand out; because more than anything, her father wanted to blend in. Because those things had been impossible" ? Where are you on the personality spectrum of wanting to stand out versus wanting to blend in?
Lydia's mother and father are playing safe. They have fears of being a failure. I'm a bit of a both, i think. Often times, I prefer to be different. Then came the people who are important to you, and tells you to blend in, but it's quite difficult to handle.

9. What do you think of Marilyn and James' courtship and marriage? What do you think happened in 1966 that made Marilyn disappear for a few days and do you think it is related to Lydia's disappearance and death?
i think they had a fight about Lydia. I'm not good with dates! And that's just sad a thing in my part. Like, really, really, sad!

[Kelsey]

Discussion Questions
Dec 16 Chapters 9-12 Page 217-end


30. At what point in the book did you suspect that Lydia’s death was a suicide and do you think that had an effect on your reading of the book?
I don't know if I ever felt it was a suicide. When they said she couldn't swim, I thought it was an accident.

31. Some posters have mentioned now that the book became predictable and/or repetitive as it went on. Agree or disagree?
Predictable no, repetitive yes. I felt that the story was lacking at the end of the book. While we got the loose ends ties up it took awhile to get there and the back and forth between past and present was confusing at times.

32. When Nath ends up under the water, this quote, “he’s already learned how not to drown.” (p 290) is stated. What do you think this means?
He knew how to swim. He couldn't just sink to the bottom like Lydia, because he had the ability to fight for survival.

33. We had a high suicide rate at the high school where I taught. We could not pin down only one reason that this happened so much at our school. What do you think is the major cause of teen suicide?
I read a study once on suicide being linked to impulsive decision making rather than depression. Since people don't think about the finality of suicide they just think of the ending of the distress right then.

34. Was the ending realistic and did you like it? Why or why not?
I didn't hate it, but it seemed rather dull. I wanted to know a bit more about what happened after, but it was the author's choice to end it with a wondering.

[Mint]

12/13-- Day 2 Discussion Questions Chapters 3-4

9. Nathan has decided not to let anyone know about his suspicions about Jack. Has your opinion about Jack or his possible role in Lydia’s disappearance and death changed after Nathan confronted him and/or after he overheard the exchange between Jack and the police?
yep. jack seemed innocent. I think he's innocent... He must be.

10. James begins a new kind of relationship with his research assistant, Louisa Chen. What role, if any, do you think his daughter’s death/ funeral play in his moving toward this change? Do your opinions of James (as a dad, husband, character) change as a result of their relationship?
his sadness or the state of being blank-headed. Yes, after all, it was his daughter's death, which is a great impact for a parent

11. In the flashback to 1965 in chapter 4, we see some of the various pressures that Marilyn feels on her life and her decisions. Are there any areas in your own life where you feel competing pressures or expectations that influence your decisions?
YES. Everyone does.

12. When Jack and Nathan are at the pool, Nathan is teased by his peers. Jack remembers his own experiences with teasing. What did you think of the way that Jack handled the situation at the pool? How did Jack’s expectations for Nathan and Nathan's behavior contribute to the situation and how it went? Why doesn’t he tell Marilyn what happened?
It was not mature. Nath lost hope for the word "comfort" and that had lead to him, being annoyed at his father. And he was probably too ashamed of himself that his duty as a father was not accomplished during that scenario.

13. In the summer of 1965, Marilyn leaves her family for a period of time. What did you think of that decision and how she did it? Did it change your thoughts about her as a mother, a wife, a character?
It was wrong of her to not leave a message. Of course, it causes panic and may lead to wrong presumptions. And this brings a bad turn for her children. She was their mother after all, and she takes care of everything in the house. And because of this, it inflicts more pain than leaving with a note.

14. Marilyn finds her mother’s old cookbook with advice about being a good housewife. What do you think they’d each say about being stay-at-home mothers? Do you think one is happier or more satisfied?
i think it was something to give knowledge to be a stay-at-home mother; both

15. Already, the novel says a lot about how people are influenced by their parents. How did your parents influence your childhood and teenage years? Do you think they understood their influence (and the limits of their influence) on you?
my parents showed me many things as how to live as a person, but most of my attitudes are self-taught. I tend to choose those that would maximize my life, and won't give off negative vibes. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

16. What do you think of the author’s use of flashbacks in this novel? Do you like this strategy? Does it work well here?
well it gives reasons as to why things happened in the present, and how these happenings affect it. But it sometimes gets confusing.