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Through My Eyes
PM me your # and then when I txt you to eat the you take picture of food. I will tell you more if you should eat more.Sound good?
Nate wrote: "why do I always pop in on these awkward conversations. You're at college, go see a counselour."
Sorry Nate
@Nate I was last semester...I haven't this semester because I thought I was doing alright...I wasn't crying everyday. I seemed alright
@Parzival We can try. idk if it'll work...
@Parzival We can try. idk if it'll work...
Ok. How can someone expect things to get better when you don't actually give them the chance? Goodness!
Ok...I should explain from the beginning. Last night, my grandma went to the ER because her oxygen level was low. My aunt J texted her husband, brother, and me. Her husband was working, her brother was having car problems, and I had a friend take me there. I called my roommate to see if she could come too because, as much as i love my aunt J and grandma they are the two that I have the most problems with. I asked aunt J if she'd told aunt B and my mother. OMG! The way she said no and stared at me! It's like wtf?? You guys get mad at my mother because she isn't around, but when something like this happens, you keep her in the dark!? She did tell aunt B but I knew she didn't want my mother to know. Needless to say, I saw her post on fb this morning and pretty much posted the same thing on mine. Come to find out, not only did no one tell my mother, but no one told my older cousin either! And apparently she didn't know about when our grandma broke her ankle a couple years back. It's annoying from my standpoint anyways.
I know why my mother doesn't like being around. She misses her mom but with her sister (aunt J) things get bad. And I'll be honest, my aunt does give off that vibe. Even my roommate said that she sounded bitchy (even though she wasn't trying to be) and she could definitely feel the tension when I asked if my mother and aunt B knew that their mom was in the hospital.
My mother's post on fb made me want to just die. It was sad!!
"I know I'm not important for that family I have a request though on her health. My mom is in the hospita last night with pnumemonia copd and heart failure. Her oxygen level was way down last night. Plz pray that she gets well quickly. Thank you"
She wouldn't have known if I hadn't posted it on fb. I don't think my older cousin would have known either...and yet they wonder why my mother is never around? They wonder why they never hear from my older cousin or aunt B?
Ok...I should explain from the beginning. Last night, my grandma went to the ER because her oxygen level was low. My aunt J texted her husband, brother, and me. Her husband was working, her brother was having car problems, and I had a friend take me there. I called my roommate to see if she could come too because, as much as i love my aunt J and grandma they are the two that I have the most problems with. I asked aunt J if she'd told aunt B and my mother. OMG! The way she said no and stared at me! It's like wtf?? You guys get mad at my mother because she isn't around, but when something like this happens, you keep her in the dark!? She did tell aunt B but I knew she didn't want my mother to know. Needless to say, I saw her post on fb this morning and pretty much posted the same thing on mine. Come to find out, not only did no one tell my mother, but no one told my older cousin either! And apparently she didn't know about when our grandma broke her ankle a couple years back. It's annoying from my standpoint anyways.
I know why my mother doesn't like being around. She misses her mom but with her sister (aunt J) things get bad. And I'll be honest, my aunt does give off that vibe. Even my roommate said that she sounded bitchy (even though she wasn't trying to be) and she could definitely feel the tension when I asked if my mother and aunt B knew that their mom was in the hospital.
My mother's post on fb made me want to just die. It was sad!!
"I know I'm not important for that family I have a request though on her health. My mom is in the hospita last night with pnumemonia copd and heart failure. Her oxygen level was way down last night. Plz pray that she gets well quickly. Thank you"
She wouldn't have known if I hadn't posted it on fb. I don't think my older cousin would have known either...and yet they wonder why my mother is never around? They wonder why they never hear from my older cousin or aunt B?
Yeah. Pretty much what I'm thinking
Is it bad when you don't really give a shit anymore? Like when you hit that "Fuck it!" mood? Because that's the way I am. I don't give a shit. I'm sick and tired of being this controlled insignificant being that my aunt and gma seem to make me out to be. It's annoying. I'm crossing sooo many lines...I just wonder if that's right or wrong...
I think just telling your aunt J that your mom is a part of the family. Or tell her something like that. I'm not that good when it comes to advice.
If only it were that easy. My aunt J is notorious for holding grudges though. So's my gma. That's why, crossing these lines could cause me to lose them
Maybe Tell them that its time for them to leaving their grudges behind. Your mom is some of the last of there family.
Artemis wrote: "Is it bad when you don't really give a shit anymore? Like when you hit that "Fuck it!" mood? Because that's the way I am. I don't give a shit. I'm sick and tired of being this controlled insignific..."Idts I mean ppl can only take so much and eventually everyone reaches that 'IDGAF' mode.
@Parzival I wish they would realize that. She's not the last of the family, there's still a bunch of us but I do know she'd love to be apart of it again...
@Nate Thanks. At least I won't feel so guilty now :)
@Nate Thanks. At least I won't feel so guilty now :)
At least I have other places to go if they decide I'm not allowed back in the house
That seems to be a constant worry of yours and if that's the case might I just suggest you move on?.. I mean seriously your of age to be on your own and as I said b4 if you have the means to take care of your self why put yourself through that? Moving out and going on with your life is not abandoning your family. You can still check in see how everyone is ect. But having a break from the daily BS might be beneficial to your well-being.
Yeah it is.
That's my plan come summer though. It won't be me dropping them...it'd be them dropping me...
That's my plan come summer though. It won't be me dropping them...it'd be them dropping me...
yep cus if you make the effort to keep contact and they don't reciprocate than that's their loss.
..speaking of family, mum's calling, you wanna talk to her? jk
Time to go start the homework that I've been procrastinating on for about a month. I won't be back until I'm done. Unless I pass out
so umm never than. Nice knowing you. Live well. Godspeed.
FINALLY finished with the homework that almost killed me! UGH. Why do I no longer have a single bit of motivation for school??? Makes things 100x harder!!
That stupid homework though. Good god, if I didn't have a job or a social life here, I'd already be gone.
No guarantees after this semester
I can't guarantee anything
Finances have a role to play, a huge role
Finances have a role to play, a huge role
But come next year and I've got no motivation...what's the sense of coming back? It'd be even worse...
So...talking to a friend and just realized just how much I haven't eaten...kinda spooky. Day by day, it's bad but when I take the whole weekend together...it seems sooooo much worse!! I wonder what my weekly eating is like...? I wonder if trying to document it would help me out someday. It could get to where it bugs me massively and I do eat, just to stop stressing myself out. Think it'll work?
I can already answer...it won't...I'm not good at documenting or writing things down. Darn!
I can already answer...it won't...I'm not good at documenting or writing things down. Darn!
yeah just go to the clock setting on your phone or ipod there should be an option to set an alarm. Most of them allow you to program multiple alarms. Program it several times throughout the day and when it goes off that's your cue to grab at least a snack or something. Problem solved.
Alright. Thanks. I'll try that
np. I'll send you a bill for my services. jk
Haha. I'll do that after my nap XD ttyl
I've already gotten my first hospital bill!! *which wasn't too bad thankfully*
I've already gotten my first hospital bill!! *which wasn't too bad thankfully*
Well...dragging the blade across my leg seems to have helped...but...it makes me even more sure that I've lost myself. I don't know anymore...I just...I give up...no more trying to just...hide everything...no more doing what everyone else wants me to do...I don't even have any motivation to care about myself. Why should I care what anyone else thinks? I have no motivation for classes. I have no motivation to eat. Lying in bed on my laptop is the easiest thing to do. The only thing actually moving is my fingers. I have no motivation for reading or putting a movie in. I have no motivation for anything at all...it's scary. It's sad...but it's true. I don't know where my motivation went...but it left me a long time ago... :(
Artemis, don't cut. please. I haven't started and I'm depressed. You can stay strong. If you have anything you need to get off your chest just tell me.
I don't even know what I need. I don't know what I want. And it's already too late...it's already done...
Nothing is over. Stay alive. Don't cut, please. Nothing is over. You can find the motivation. Believe.
I know nothing's over...it's just...I give up on trying...I just...I don't see any point in continuing school. If I eat, I eat. If I don't, I don't. No big deal. If I pass college, great. If I don't, oh well.
Artemis. I know we haven't met and I know that we don't know each other. Yet I can absolutely say that yyou are amazing. You are pretty, and you are cared for. You are cared for. You are loved. You can survive.
When I get out of this...I'll just be a different person I guess...I plan on living still...I just don't know how
Admittedly people change. but who you are on the inside will be the same. You can survive. I believe in you
I get hurt when I care though...I always wind up being alone, no matter what...
You're at college, go see a counselour.