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Through My Eyes
message 201:
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[deleted user]
(new)
Jan 18, 2016 12:19AM
So...when they creep and crawl into my mind...sleep says "screw you" and runs out the window. And I've got classes. Great -_- Great time to work on homework I guess...even though it's 2:18 in the morning and I've got a class at 10...then another one at 11 and work at 4:45 pm...This is just fantastic...
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The fears are the ones terrorizing my mind now...I'm starting to think...and realize...and I've come to the conclusion that I'm in a never-ending circle. I've been in it since the day I started Preschool...and I'll be in it forever...I can't find a way out of it...
I need someone new to talk to...someone I haven't bothered yet...I know that won't happen though...
I wonder how depressing my writing would be if I started writing the way I feel...
Don't Artemis. Did you look at the picture that you were dared to put up? Look at the comments
Don't what? There's so much you could be saying that about...
Just look at the comment of the that you put up because of a dare, I commented
I saw. Thank you :)
What were you saying "don't" about though?
What were you saying "don't" about though?
That's basically all I write. I write my feelings and sure it may be an outlet for it but it doesn't get rid of it, it is just forgotten, buried. Its like trying to convince yourself that you don't have a broken arm. It works for a while but it comes back
So...my vision's starting to blur...hm...I must be more tired than I realized...I think I should turn in, eh? And thankfully the blurry vision is NOT from low blood sugar. It's not from dirty glasses either...I'm pretty sure I'm tired...
Shadow~Infj wrote: "That's basically all I write. I write my feelings and sure it may be an outlet for it but it doesn't get rid of it, it is just forgotten, buried. Its like trying to convince yourself that you don't..."
Makes sense...still if I post it like I usually do...
anyway...I'm going to bed...I think...
Makes sense...still if I post it like I usually do...
anyway...I'm going to bed...I think...
Sorry Parzival, I'm with her on this.... I know writing really helps me and could help her.However, you should be careful if you go that route Artemis. Sometimes it just brings up the emotions and they linger and it just adds to a negative state. What I find it helps with the most is recording so I can feel comfortable forgetting an return to it later, and with figuring things out and organizing my thoughts and emotions. I'll often start typing and as I go I realize a lot of what's in my head and it allows me to organize my thoughts and emotions and learn more from a situation.
So if you feel like writing will help, I think you should do it. But stay in tune with yourself and once you write it, cast it from your mind. Don't let the emotions stick. But if writing is what you need, do it. I find like a flow of consciousness works well more than anything because it has the added bonus of helping sort thoughts and discover as you go. Though I know for other people different stuff works for them
IDK what I'll do...still trying to figure it out...
yeah it - writing-can be a double edge sword, its good to get it out rather keeping it bottled up though to a certain extend it does cause those emotions to resurface and sometimes you get stuck or hung up on it.
Yeah...I doubt writing can do any damage right now though....
gtkThe hardest things I've written to date were the rip tide series and my last journal.
:)
GTG for now. I get to learn about the brain -_-
GTG for now. I get to learn about the brain -_-
find out how to shut it down so one can sleep.
Ok lol
I never thought I'd regret something until I asked my ex for help...I'm NEVER asking him for help again -_- Fuck him. He can go fuck himself. I would never say that about anyone...but I'm...I give up with him. I try to be nice. I try to be civil. I see him everyday when I have to work...Even when we were together...he didn't like helping me...But I don't care anymore...
This summer...my family is going to hate me. I know they are. I have to live my own life though, don't I? I can't keep putting my life on hold for them...or is that selfish...? I don't want to lose them. I just fear that they won't want to talk to me again after this summer...at least some of them, one of which I'm extremely close to...
Is this about you and your mom?? Or is it totally different?
No...not my mom. It's about me, my grandma, and my aunt
Oh. are they not cool with your plans for the summer?
They don't know that I am serious about my plans for this summer. They weren't fond of them when it was just an option...
what are they?? Forgive me for butting in
Me not living at home this summer. aka trying to live my own life instead of putting my life on hold to please them
oh so your going to live "abroad" over the summer?
Pretty much. Not living at home. That'll be the biggest step towards my own life and probably the hardest and worst...
Yeah...I just...I don't want to lose them. I just want to show them that I'm not a little kid anymore and I need to live my own life...Besides...I can't go back! I don't want to! There's no way I'd last three to four months in that house! I'd lose my mind...possibly get kicked out or wind up leaving anyways. When I lived there...I was the only person doing ANYTHING. I had to water (and when my cousin decided she didn't want to, feed) the animals, do the dishes, do the laundry, clean up this room, sweep...I was doing everything. My stepcousin had to take out the trash. Once in awhile they'd have my cousin or stepcousin help with dishes. And after having a taste of freedom...I don't want to go back. I'll be the one cleaning the yard. The only thing my aunt did was mow. If any of my cousins. including the one that isn't biologically related, threw a big enough fit, they didn't have to do anything. When I protested or rolled my eyes...I'd get grounded and the work would intensify. I wouldn't be able to sit down. All I could do was work. I can't go back there! I can't! I love my aunt and my grandma and everyone else in that house...but I don't like it there. I get so tense everytime I visit. I constantly even have headaches....It's horrible...especially when my aunt decides to do a "project." Last summer, we got the roof re-shingled. It happened in June or July. There are still shingles everywhere! My uncle and I were the only one's picking them up. After he gave up, I gave up. I didn't want to do that myself. Two rooms in that house are a complete disaster! One needs completely reconstructed. The other just needs picked up but I know it won't happen. A week before I left for college, my at the time 8 year old cousin went swimming and left his trunks on the floor. I asked him to put them over the bath tub so they could dry. He told me "No, you do it. You be my slave." That's how he sees it. I started crying just typing it. I can't go back there. I really can't...
Maybe you should just tell them that the only way you will go home is if they start seeing you as a human and if they say no then don't go. if they say yes then go but if they start to treat you like they did then just pack up and leave, without saying anything. That might teach them that your a human as well. If they still don't then meet up with a group that would help your family. Tell them that they need counseling. Maybe have an intervention or just sit back and do nothing, watch them try stuff
I don't want to risk it. If I could drive, I'd be ok. But we live in a small town. If they treat me like that again...I've got no way out. That's one reason it's so scary...
Then make them swear not to treat you like a slave.
When I try to stand up to them...I get scared. I'm scared of my aunt and grandma...
Well...now I have no choice but to eat two meals a day. Me and a friend both made a deal together. Really complicated to understand. One of our "terms and conditions" was eating at LEAST two meals a day...and not doing anything stupid. I asked him to elaborate on that. lol. Shouldn't be too difficult to follow. I feel like the eating two meals a day could be difficult though...but definitely beneficial...
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish with the way I’m thinking, but I need to think of myself.
I wish you could understand that this isn’t goodbye forever.
It’s just me living my life and trying to find my place in the world.
I hope someday you will see that I had to do this just for me.
I need to go beyond that tiny town I grew up in.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
It’s tearing me apart to know that you might hate me.
It’s killing me internally to know that you will take this the wrong way.
I wish you could see the reasons why and not be mad.
My thoughts of you are not pure but I still love you with all my heart.
I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
Should you decide that you don’t ever want to hear from me again:
I just want to let you know I love you.
I love you to the moon and back and I would take a bullet from you.
It’s time for me to move on though.
I need to start making my own way.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
You have wronged me all those years but I’m willing to let that go.
You’ve taken from me and never given anything back.
I wasn’t always happy with you but I still love you.
You are the ones that I hold dear to my heart and hope I have forever.
I hope you will eventually see who I am and be proud of me.
©Tif Stratton 1/22/16
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish with the way I’m thinking, but I need to think of myself.
I wish you could understand that this isn’t goodbye forever.
It’s just me living my life and trying to find my place in the world.
I hope someday you will see that I had to do this just for me.
I need to go beyond that tiny town I grew up in.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
It’s tearing me apart to know that you might hate me.
It’s killing me internally to know that you will take this the wrong way.
I wish you could see the reasons why and not be mad.
My thoughts of you are not pure but I still love you with all my heart.
I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
Should you decide that you don’t ever want to hear from me again:
I just want to let you know I love you.
I love you to the moon and back and I would take a bullet from you.
It’s time for me to move on though.
I need to start making my own way.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
You have wronged me all those years but I’m willing to let that go.
You’ve taken from me and never given anything back.
I wasn’t always happy with you but I still love you.
You are the ones that I hold dear to my heart and hope I have forever.
I hope you will eventually see who I am and be proud of me.
©Tif Stratton 1/22/16
I wrote it because of my family...
