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Through My Eyes
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Magnus
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Mar 01, 2016 01:58PM
oh Me?
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Sooo...family in Michigan is fine, family in Indiana is fine, family here in Nebraska is fine, friends are fine....wtf am I worried about then??
Well....my mood's affecting my intake of food....again....lovely. Now...before a certain someone starts at me...not saying any names XD....I have eaten today...it's just been awhile
I can't right now....I'm too anxious about...something
So last night...my roommate took me out to go get some food. We went to KFC and she's pretty well known there. My aunt also goes there all the time. I was telling her that they probably know my aunt pretty well when all of a sudden someone came and kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. Come to find out...it's my aunt. The timing was so perfect, it was scary! My roommate and I just stared at each other like wtf just happened???? >.>
Jelly beans for breakfast smh
Had another totally weird dream last night....I'll elaborate after class gets done lol
Saw the counselor and started getting those alarms programmed (finally)....had KFC chicken and now I'm full and there's still one more piece....now time to tell the dream
So....apparently something big went down between me and my aunt and grandma. Can't remember what. I think it was I finally stood up to them and told them I wouldn't do all the work anymore. They kicked me out and I calmly said, "Fine. But I'm not coming back." I ended up fleeing to i dont even know where! Needless to say, they had followed me to try to get me to go back home. I was ducking into buildings and out of buildings and even houses! I went through fences....the whole time being accompanied by two friends (I know one but I don't remember the other) and randomly buying things in the shop. Each time my family would glimpse me, I'd duck out of where ever and charge to another place. At some point, I ditched my two friends, telling them to stay where they were while I hid. They obeyed. I crawled into this little cubby hole and sat in there. Not even five minutes later, my aunt, grandma, and youngest cousin came into the room. My little cousin looked at the area around the cubby hole and even crawled into the space that was under it. He hit his head lightly on the board that I was sitting on. As he withdrew, he happened to glance up and saw me. He told everyone where I was. I came out and stalked out of the room and went into another building where my friends were waiting. My family followed me. As I sat down with my friends (finally remember who the other friend was) I told them again I'm not coming back. My aunt and grandma exchanged smiles, gave me a hug and kiss, and said have fun at school. We'll see you this summer. After my family left, one of my friends started leaving and I followed him. He introduced me to his family and said he had to go. I begged with him to give me some other form of communication so we exchanged phone numbers. After that...i have no idea what happened. I didn't wake up. But the dream just sorta faded....
So....apparently something big went down between me and my aunt and grandma. Can't remember what. I think it was I finally stood up to them and told them I wouldn't do all the work anymore. They kicked me out and I calmly said, "Fine. But I'm not coming back." I ended up fleeing to i dont even know where! Needless to say, they had followed me to try to get me to go back home. I was ducking into buildings and out of buildings and even houses! I went through fences....the whole time being accompanied by two friends (I know one but I don't remember the other) and randomly buying things in the shop. Each time my family would glimpse me, I'd duck out of where ever and charge to another place. At some point, I ditched my two friends, telling them to stay where they were while I hid. They obeyed. I crawled into this little cubby hole and sat in there. Not even five minutes later, my aunt, grandma, and youngest cousin came into the room. My little cousin looked at the area around the cubby hole and even crawled into the space that was under it. He hit his head lightly on the board that I was sitting on. As he withdrew, he happened to glance up and saw me. He told everyone where I was. I came out and stalked out of the room and went into another building where my friends were waiting. My family followed me. As I sat down with my friends (finally remember who the other friend was) I told them again I'm not coming back. My aunt and grandma exchanged smiles, gave me a hug and kiss, and said have fun at school. We'll see you this summer. After my family left, one of my friends started leaving and I followed him. He introduced me to his family and said he had to go. I begged with him to give me some other form of communication so we exchanged phone numbers. After that...i have no idea what happened. I didn't wake up. But the dream just sorta faded....
I'm wanting to read Janette Oak's books...but i don't think I have any access to them unless I go home. Ugh -_-
Imma take a nap before work haha
Nighty night
Depending on what time I wake up depends on if I come back before or after work XD
OH crud! I'll be working on homework too. Haha. Nap first though :P
Nighty night
Depending on what time I wake up depends on if I come back before or after work XD
OH crud! I'll be working on homework too. Haha. Nap first though :P
2 kids in 2 days....I wonder what happened....
So, tonight I made two decisions that are REALLY gonna piss some people off and possibly cause explosions and my phone and notifications being blown up....the one that could cause some massive problems....I'm not going to eat dinner anymore. I know some of you will be like wtf Artemis! But let me explain....as some of you know, I work in the cafeteria Monday through Thursday from 4:45-7:00. I usually go there about 4:30 so I can get my food and eat it throughout my shift. Today, my manager tells me that I can't sit down and eat until 5:40 and I only get 10 minutes. Now....before today, I had a pretty good system going. For the first 15 minutes, i'd stand at the register and let people in because that's the busiest time. After that, I'd go sit down at a near by table and eat a little. Every time someone came to the register, I'd get up to allow them through and whatever. Then I'd go sit down. I'd be done with my food by 6 and start washing tables...that were within view of the cash register. At 6:15, I'd close the gate, lock the cash register, and finish washing tables. I'd usually get done around 6:40-6:45. After tables, I'd cash out, ask the head cook if anything else needed done, dump my bucket of water, and clock out. I was done with everything by 7. In order to keep this system going (as of today) I may as well just skip dinner or get something equivalent to a bite....and I figure it'd just be better to skip dinner. Maybe grab a snack before or after. IDK though
And that's only decision one. Decision two...could cause it's own uproar....
And that's only decision one. Decision two...could cause it's own uproar....
I'll post it tomorrow in the morning when I wake up
Lost my key card -_- Now I gotta retrace my steps on top of finding the housing coordinator! Ugh
I'm not one to judge based on looks...but damn! *sighs*
That was one spooky text.....
A happy birthday text from a number I don't know
wow and your birthday was like last month right?
I shouldn't have opened that letter :'(
I knew what it was...why'd I open it? It feels like my heart's being ripped to shreds....
I knew what it was...why'd I open it? It feels like my heart's being ripped to shreds....
Parzival wrote: "wow and your birthday was like last month right?"
Yeah
Yeah
The letter...from me to a friend...I never gave it to her (Names will be different)
Lucy,
What I did to everyone, especially you and your mom, is unforgivable. I don't blame any of this on you. Yeah, you may have taken me on walks when you shouldn't have, but I still blame myself. You wouldn't be up for sneaking if it weren't for me. I told you time and again that I wasn't good for you. Here's the proof. Thank you for being there. It's thanks to you that I made it through so far. I wish I could give it back to you. Instead, it winds up a separation is the thank you. Yeah...I'm a real great friend. Ugh! Now I know no one can say I'm a good kid. First the 911 thing, then the secret Facebook, and now this! Secrecy, lying, betraying...I've hurt you and your mom. Even if you two decide to forgive me, I will never forgive myself. I wish there were enough words to tell you thank you and I('m sorry. I wish I could tell you just how wretched I feel. I can't though. I'm too late.
A letter I was going to give to my best friend before I came to college...I didn't have the guts though....
Lucy,
What I did to everyone, especially you and your mom, is unforgivable. I don't blame any of this on you. Yeah, you may have taken me on walks when you shouldn't have, but I still blame myself. You wouldn't be up for sneaking if it weren't for me. I told you time and again that I wasn't good for you. Here's the proof. Thank you for being there. It's thanks to you that I made it through so far. I wish I could give it back to you. Instead, it winds up a separation is the thank you. Yeah...I'm a real great friend. Ugh! Now I know no one can say I'm a good kid. First the 911 thing, then the secret Facebook, and now this! Secrecy, lying, betraying...I've hurt you and your mom. Even if you two decide to forgive me, I will never forgive myself. I wish there were enough words to tell you thank you and I('m sorry. I wish I could tell you just how wretched I feel. I can't though. I'm too late.
A letter I was going to give to my best friend before I came to college...I didn't have the guts though....
Yep...definitely a mistake on my part...unfolding that piece of paper :/ I thought I was ok....apparently losing her still hurts me though
SO sorry. I'm always here if you need support
It's fine. It happened during the summer. It shouldn't be bugging me anymore
Fuck...........I'm just....Ugh....Nope...can't do it.
I've got to do something...but what??? What can I do to make this better??
I don't want to go down any bad routes......with the way I was feeling after I saw him though....*sigh* why?
I've got to do something...but what??? What can I do to make this better??
I don't want to go down any bad routes......with the way I was feeling after I saw him though....*sigh* why?
Ok...fine....second decision (assuming I can get through the way I'm feeling right now)
nvm....not right now....i'm gonna leave for now
nvm....not right now....i'm gonna leave for now
Emotionally and physically tired now....good night....hopefully tomorrow goes better
I just have one question....
What happened? Where have I gone? Where's the girl that had a reason to live? Where's the girl that had happiness? What happened to the girl that could disappear into her books and be happy? What changed? Why? I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to the time when I did some good. School mattered to me. I felt whole. I had a reason for being around....there was a time when I didn't starve myself. There was a time when I didn't attempt suicides. There was a time when I had skin without scars from blades. I wasn't always drowning. Even when I was extremely paranoid...I still breathed somehow...I wasn't swirling in nothing. I had my feet on the ground...somewhat. Yeah....I cried over the lack of my mother and father. I got angry with my aunt and grandma...still...I didn't take walks that could be the death of me. I didn't overdose. I'd thought of ending my life but I never attempted it. Even with knives in my hands....and the thoughts of stabbing myself...I never acted on it. I never tried to slice my throat. I never tried to push the point into my abdomen. I thought of it...I really did...but never thought of acting. I attempted running away...but I always went back. I had the shittiest self esteem back then....but the books were my escape. I was lonely as hell....until I dived into the books. Now even books aren't an option. I don't read like I used. I don't write like I used to. I'm numb....when I'm not numb...I feel like I'm being ripped apart. Back then...I yearned for a boyfriend...I was sad because I didn't have one...but I was still living. I was still functioning. I was forced to disappear for a year...I had to break my promises....but I still managed to carry on....the way i feel now...it's so different. I know I'm not eating right. I know I shouldn't cut. I know overdosing is dangerous. I know taking my walks are risky...yet I still do it. It's like...the demon inside isn't letting me get better. I've been taken over by something that was small and insignificant...until my ex broke up with me. Now...the person that I used to be is small and insignificant. The demon inside has gained control. I've gotten to the point where I don't care if something bad happens. I don't have any motivation to live...to eat...to study...to read...to write. It's all gone. Every once in awhile...a small spark of motivation will worm it's way into me. By the time I can attend to it...I'm busy doing something else...namely work or another class. I don't care about anything anymore....sometimes-a lot of times-I feel like leaving would be better. All it takes is some pills....and sleep...my thoughts do scare me sometimes, I admit. But there was a time...these thoughts terrified me. When I thought of cutting but not acting on it...I called a friend with tears rolling down my face. After the first time I cut...the thoughts didn't terrify me...until they became suicidal. After my accidental overdose, I was terrified! I was frantic. I overdosed sometime later...and it took seeing a friend...the look on his face....I begged him to keep me talking so I wouldn't die. He made me realize I didn't want to die...Now...I don't know what will jolt me into living. The past fears...they wouldn't help. I cut...I regret it, yes...but it doesn't terrify me anymore. My eating worries me....but it doesn't scare me. I'm doing the best I can to not overdose....especially since...someone else said that if I overdosed...he'd do it too....He doesn't know that I did overdose...but I hopefully won't do it again. It's crossed my mind though. I just...what's happened to me? Where have I gone? I wonder if I'll ever find myself again...before it's too late. The bad thing is...I know there are people there for me. I know there are people that care. I've got friends and family. I may disagree with some of my family members...but I know if I died...they'd be hurt. I know if I took my life...my friends would be sad...idk if anyone would actually despair...I know I'm not THAT important...but I do mean something. Then again...many wouldn't even know. Most of my online friends wouldn't know....they don't know anyone that'd be able to tell them. I've got a couple that have my number. That doesn't mean they'd know. If I went a day without answering...that might cause alarm. Even then, many would never know. I'm not that well known. I'm not that important. I guess there are ways that word would get around....but it's such a slim possibility. I guess some would notice because I wouldn't be as active as I was the day before. Still....I'm sure many would shrug it off....after all, I did disappear for a year. By the time another year goes by...I'd be forgotten. No one would really know if something did happen to me. I don't have any brothers or sisters that would be broken hearted but still come on here and tell everyone what's happened. That's why it'd be so easy for me to disappear. Everyone would be oblivious. I'm completely alone in that aspect. And I live in two worlds...and they don't know about each other. My real life people....they know absolutely nothing. They know nothing of the depression and cutting. They know nothing of my online friends. My online friends have no connections with my people in real life. My gr friends have no connections with my G+ friends. Many would never know. They'd guess...but never know for sure. It's sad...and pathetic when I think about it like this. It's also the truth though. My multiple worlds wouldn't mix. They don't collide. It's literally three or four different worlds. Real life, online, GR, G+....many wouldn't know...and that's why I feel that I wouldn't be missed. People would think...she'll be back someday...or I'd slip from their minds completely....I've never been able to make a big impression...a good, firm impression. I'm easy to forget...I melt into the shadows. I'm too quiet for anyone to notice. I could do it....no one would realize it....by the time realization would strike them, they'd forget about me....I never set it up this way....but at the same time...it works. My worlds can't collide. I would prevent it....especially real life and online. My real life people wouldn't fully understand. Those that know anything don't have accounts on anything and don't have access to my accounts. No one can get into my phone or laptop to try to get on GR or G+ or even Fb. They can't get into my accounts from their own devices. My online worlds are separated. There's a couple people that are in both....but that doesn't mean word would get around. Somehow....I've managed to make disappearing the easiest thing in the world. I might get messages and they wouldn't get answered...but I don't see why or how that would cause suspicion. Missed phone call after missed phone call would definitely cause alarm. Then again...if I died somehow....anyone that called me would know right away. Someone that wasn't me would answer the phone. They'd be told what happened. Other than that...word wouldn't get around. Ignored text messages shouldn't cause too much alarm. Oh well.......... :(
I just have one question....
What happened? Where have I gone? Where's the girl that had a reason to live? Where's the girl that had happiness? What happened to the girl that could disappear into her books and be happy? What changed? Why? I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to the time when I did some good. School mattered to me. I felt whole. I had a reason for being around....there was a time when I didn't starve myself. There was a time when I didn't attempt suicides. There was a time when I had skin without scars from blades. I wasn't always drowning. Even when I was extremely paranoid...I still breathed somehow...I wasn't swirling in nothing. I had my feet on the ground...somewhat. Yeah....I cried over the lack of my mother and father. I got angry with my aunt and grandma...still...I didn't take walks that could be the death of me. I didn't overdose. I'd thought of ending my life but I never attempted it. Even with knives in my hands....and the thoughts of stabbing myself...I never acted on it. I never tried to slice my throat. I never tried to push the point into my abdomen. I thought of it...I really did...but never thought of acting. I attempted running away...but I always went back. I had the shittiest self esteem back then....but the books were my escape. I was lonely as hell....until I dived into the books. Now even books aren't an option. I don't read like I used. I don't write like I used to. I'm numb....when I'm not numb...I feel like I'm being ripped apart. Back then...I yearned for a boyfriend...I was sad because I didn't have one...but I was still living. I was still functioning. I was forced to disappear for a year...I had to break my promises....but I still managed to carry on....the way i feel now...it's so different. I know I'm not eating right. I know I shouldn't cut. I know overdosing is dangerous. I know taking my walks are risky...yet I still do it. It's like...the demon inside isn't letting me get better. I've been taken over by something that was small and insignificant...until my ex broke up with me. Now...the person that I used to be is small and insignificant. The demon inside has gained control. I've gotten to the point where I don't care if something bad happens. I don't have any motivation to live...to eat...to study...to read...to write. It's all gone. Every once in awhile...a small spark of motivation will worm it's way into me. By the time I can attend to it...I'm busy doing something else...namely work or another class. I don't care about anything anymore....sometimes-a lot of times-I feel like leaving would be better. All it takes is some pills....and sleep...my thoughts do scare me sometimes, I admit. But there was a time...these thoughts terrified me. When I thought of cutting but not acting on it...I called a friend with tears rolling down my face. After the first time I cut...the thoughts didn't terrify me...until they became suicidal. After my accidental overdose, I was terrified! I was frantic. I overdosed sometime later...and it took seeing a friend...the look on his face....I begged him to keep me talking so I wouldn't die. He made me realize I didn't want to die...Now...I don't know what will jolt me into living. The past fears...they wouldn't help. I cut...I regret it, yes...but it doesn't terrify me anymore. My eating worries me....but it doesn't scare me. I'm doing the best I can to not overdose....especially since...someone else said that if I overdosed...he'd do it too....He doesn't know that I did overdose...but I hopefully won't do it again. It's crossed my mind though. I just...what's happened to me? Where have I gone? I wonder if I'll ever find myself again...before it's too late. The bad thing is...I know there are people there for me. I know there are people that care. I've got friends and family. I may disagree with some of my family members...but I know if I died...they'd be hurt. I know if I took my life...my friends would be sad...idk if anyone would actually despair...I know I'm not THAT important...but I do mean something. Then again...many wouldn't even know. Most of my online friends wouldn't know....they don't know anyone that'd be able to tell them. I've got a couple that have my number. That doesn't mean they'd know. If I went a day without answering...that might cause alarm. Even then, many would never know. I'm not that well known. I'm not that important. I guess there are ways that word would get around....but it's such a slim possibility. I guess some would notice because I wouldn't be as active as I was the day before. Still....I'm sure many would shrug it off....after all, I did disappear for a year. By the time another year goes by...I'd be forgotten. No one would really know if something did happen to me. I don't have any brothers or sisters that would be broken hearted but still come on here and tell everyone what's happened. That's why it'd be so easy for me to disappear. Everyone would be oblivious. I'm completely alone in that aspect. And I live in two worlds...and they don't know about each other. My real life people....they know absolutely nothing. They know nothing of the depression and cutting. They know nothing of my online friends. My online friends have no connections with my people in real life. My gr friends have no connections with my G+ friends. Many would never know. They'd guess...but never know for sure. It's sad...and pathetic when I think about it like this. It's also the truth though. My multiple worlds wouldn't mix. They don't collide. It's literally three or four different worlds. Real life, online, GR, G+....many wouldn't know...and that's why I feel that I wouldn't be missed. People would think...she'll be back someday...or I'd slip from their minds completely....I've never been able to make a big impression...a good, firm impression. I'm easy to forget...I melt into the shadows. I'm too quiet for anyone to notice. I could do it....no one would realize it....by the time realization would strike them, they'd forget about me....I never set it up this way....but at the same time...it works. My worlds can't collide. I would prevent it....especially real life and online. My real life people wouldn't fully understand. Those that know anything don't have accounts on anything and don't have access to my accounts. No one can get into my phone or laptop to try to get on GR or G+ or even Fb. They can't get into my accounts from their own devices. My online worlds are separated. There's a couple people that are in both....but that doesn't mean word would get around. Somehow....I've managed to make disappearing the easiest thing in the world. I might get messages and they wouldn't get answered...but I don't see why or how that would cause suspicion. Missed phone call after missed phone call would definitely cause alarm. Then again...if I died somehow....anyone that called me would know right away. Someone that wasn't me would answer the phone. They'd be told what happened. Other than that...word wouldn't get around. Ignored text messages shouldn't cause too much alarm. Oh well.......... :(
What I ate yesterday: 2 poptarts (one pack, but I managed to eat both) 1 protein bar, 5 chicken nuggets, and 2 cookies
What I've had so far today: A mini pizza (got a small bag of chips and strawberry milk to accompany it, haven't started on the chips yet though)
What I've had so far today: A mini pizza (got a small bag of chips and strawberry milk to accompany it, haven't started on the chips yet though)
Which is worse...not having your parents because they have died, having your parents still alive but not there by choice, having your parents alive but not there because they aren't allowed, or living with your parents but still not really having them there?
Can't I just cut out my heart? Just to get rid of the pain...and sorrow...I'd be so much happier...then again...I wouldn't feel. I wouldn't feel the pain of not having my ex...I wouldn't feel the pain of not having my mother and father...I wouldn't feel the pain of everyone that's left me...a life without pain...that's a nice idea...
I'm gonna reread my whole journal...I wonder how I'll feel by the time I'm done....this could be painful....
*yawn* now that I'm feeling sorta better, I'm gonna take a nap. IDK how long I'll be out
Never took that nap. lol
Anyway....today I had that mini pizza, some jelly beans, and some fish. I couldn't finish the fish though. I got full before I even finished the first strip.
Anyway....today I had that mini pizza, some jelly beans, and some fish. I couldn't finish the fish though. I got full before I even finished the first strip.
Yeah....I'm sooo much help. No one tells me jack shit though. I'm so fucking stupid! I haven't helped anyone...not really. Which means....do I even have a reason to live? I'm starting to doubt it now. It won't take much. My roommate's gone for the weekend. I've got plenty of medication. By the time anyone comes into my room...I'll be long gone. Fuck this....I can't be there for people if they don't want me there...and that's the way it is with everyone. "I've got a problem...but I can handle it...even if it means trying to fucking commit suicide!" I don't want ANYONE to ever say I helped them again unless I actually did. If you've told me your problems, and allowed me to talk with you (rather than cutting or trying to commit suicide) then you can say I helped you. Otherwise don't...you're giving me false hope...I still care about everyone...but no one can actually say I've helped them. Everyone still shuts me out...yeah...I'm a real great help. Idk if this is a suicide letter or not...but at least it's a warning if anything -_-
There's no hope for me. I just want to apologize to everyone. I care about each and everyone one of you. Don't give up like me...stay strong. You'll be ok. In a year or so...you'll forget about me. I was never really that big of a person. This is my last good-bye. I'm sorry. You'll be ok though.
Um...I know I'm usually in bed by now...but I just wanted to let everyone and anyone know that I'm still here before the two above posts send out an alarm. But it's 2:50 in the morning....so I'm going to bed. *yawn* Night
I guess there's no point trying to deny it....when I first started this journal I was depressed and had a broken heart. That's it though. Now...I've crossed a line. I'm depressed and suicidal....*sigh* Regardless of last night...I've still got zilch motivation for anything....I woke up this morning with the "fuck school" mood and it's only Saturday. I also lay in bed....thinking....just thinking of how easy it'd be to take my life...I lay in bed...thinking of the depression...and listening to my music.
She says she wants to end it all when she's all alone in her room
She cries
The way she feels inside is too much for her
When all you got is these four walls
It's not that hard to feel so small
Or even exist at all
How come no one heard her when she said
She cries
The way she feels inside is too much for her
When all you got is these four walls
It's not that hard to feel so small
Or even exist at all
How come no one heard her when she said
