CLOG?

[Will]

Yup. I'm here, but work is heavy at the moment. Not leaving much time for owt else.

[Ted]

Hi Jemahl
There is life out here. Well, depends how you define life.
I've been out and moving about, not easy to make contact. I was struck by how often on my travels I had to identify myself, so leaving a trail of where I have been and maybe some of the things I was doing. I am about to order your book which will again leave a footprint somewhere that says where I am and what I am doing.
Do you still want comments on your second book? Send me the thirty pages you have sent and I will have a go at it. I will be happy to add a review if you still want one. Once a book is finished and leaves me to live a life of its own I tend to ignore it after that. I prefer suggestions and comments while I am still editing the book and can make the changes in a helpful way.

[Robert]

Just us mice! We watch and only come out for the cheese :-)

[Ted]

Hi Rob
Good to know you are there. Old bloke down the road from me swears by cake for mice - says it is a more effective bait than cheese. He uses a humane trap – then kills them painlessly, he says. They still finish up dead. Doesn't sound very humane.

[Robert]

Like those environmentally-friendly fly sprays then :-(

[Andrew]

Did someone mention cheese? I'll get the crackers.

[Jemahl]

Always happy to get reviews Ted, but I don't think I have your email?

My publisher wants more caddishness, and a bit more explanation of context of the war (too much assumed knowloedge and not enough exposition) so I haave stuff to work on it and more opinoins are always welcome.

Did anyone gget any bites from the slushpile? Rob and Corbyn that's directed to. I will have to wait until I have a draft I am totall y satisfied with

[Ted]

Hi Jemahl
This address should reach me – edwarddunphy48@gmail.com.

[Rob]

Jemahl wrote: "Did anyone gget any bites from the slushpile? Rob and Corbyn that's directed to..."

Hi Jemahl,

Sorry for the silence on my part. For some reason, I've not been getting any notifications. I popped back to see why things had gone so quiet and here everyone is, chatting away merrily.

I have to report that The Slush Pile didn't really get off the ground. Sorry about that. As I understand it, a mixture of illness and work commitments meant the people behind it couldn't devote the necessary time to it. As of now, it is officially a Norwegian Blue. I mean a dead parrot. It has shuffled off its mortal coil and joined the choir inv... Well, you get the picture.

Have you now had all your reviews in Jemahl? We'll give it until the end of the month but, in the meantime, I wondered if we had any other self-nominations for the CLOG monthly review. If so, please shout out.

Ted - we'd talked about making one of yours the subject of some attention. Are you up for it? Anyone else? It would be nice to get some sort of sequence planned.

For the benefit of anyone new to this process, we're not necessarily talking about writing a review of the full novel; often it's just feedback on the first two or three chapters. Since it's on the basis of those early sections that most agents and publishers will make their initial sifting decisions, that's probably where a bit of third party scrutiny comes in most useful.

I suggest that we agree the next Featured Funny Fiction (FFF) and the author then email the relevant Word doc, PDF or mobi file to all those who are happy to review it. I think I have everyone's email addresses.

Now I just have to figure out why my notifications went astray...

[Andrew]

After Ted I would like to nominate myself if everyone is ok with that? For the past year me and my daughter have been cobbling together a children's book called Tommy, God of the Island of Wonder. Mostly her ideas, mostly my words. It's only two quarters finished and the first chapter and family set up (thinking about wrecking his family, maybe making him an orphan in that time honored fashion. Your thoughts on that would be very welcome when you come to reading it)are likely to change drastically after the first draft is done.

We have about six different endings knocking around at the moment so finishing it is taking some time. We're going to try and finish it by the end of the year. However, I often break my own deadlines.

I still haven't reviewed Jemahl's FFF yet, but I will in the next few days.

[Ted]

I will be happy to send the first three chapters on the latest book I am writing. The ones in the public domain are beyond redemption at this stage and it would waste people's time asking for comments on the opening chapters. Reviews posted elsewhere would be welcome.
What do I do? Do I wait for some email addresses from those willing to take a look?

[Rob]

Ted wrote: "I will be happy to send the first three chapters on the latest book I am writing. The ones in the public domain are beyond redemption at this stage and it would waste people's time asking for comme..."

I'm up for that. Robgregsonwords at gmail .com

Anyone else who's interested will send you theirs, I'm sure.

And then, after yours, Andy's; the first FFF of 2016.

[Corben]

Ted wrote: "I will be happy to send the first three chapters on the latest book I am writing. The ones in the public domain are beyond redemption at this stage and it would waste people's time asking for comme..."

Ted = If you email to corben dot duke at gmail,com, I'll read it and comment.

Andychap - Same goes for you when you're ready.

[Jemahl]

Im easy on who the next FFF is - most ofyou have my personal email though so just send it along when it's decided. Ive only had a couple of reviews (Corbyn + Rob) so far.

[Ted]

It is an honourable title to be called 'FFF'.

First three chapters of my book currently under construction have gone to Rob, Corben and Jemahl as requested.
Anyone sending samples to me should find me through edwarddunphy48@gmail.com

[Andrew]

Hi Ted, could have a look as well? My email is andrew-chapman@live.co.uk

[Ted]

Just sent it on its way to you Andrew.

[Rob]

Thanks Ted. Received.

Andy, do you want to send me yours,too? Christmas is coming and I might get a bit of extra reading time.

[Corben]

Hi Ted,

I've emailed my comments to you. Nice work man. Which particular route to megastardom are you thinking of taking?

[Andy]

Well I'm excited now after that endorsement. Can ya flick it to me too ted? titanictales@yahoo.com.au

I haven't forgotten jamahl, I've just been busy with pesky life stuff lately. I'm looking forward to reading yours mate.

[Andy]

Well I'm excited now after that endorsement. Can ya flick it to me too ted? titanictales@yahoo.com.au

I haven't forgotten jamahl, I've just been busy with pesky life stuff lately. I'm looking forward to reading yours mate.

[Ted]

Hi Corben
Thank you for the speedy response to the sample I sent you. You certainly have a keen eye for what works and what needs more attention. Your comments and suggestions are really helpful and I will work on making the adjustments over the weekend.
Now that I have seen your critique I know the standard and style that is expected of me when I comment on the work others send in.
I loved your suggested image of the caretaker emerging from the manhole in the playground having unblocked the smelly drains from the boys toilet only for the pupils to shout comments and ask if he caught anything. I think I should start a competition for the best reply he gives them, polite or not. Your suggested answers will be up there with the best comments!
A wave to Andy titanic - sample on the way to you.

[Corben]

Thanks Ted. But please bear in mind I'm a complete and utter idiot. Just ask any of the dozens of literary agents I've been submitting to. They'll tell you.

Hey everyone, Andy at TitanicTesticles is about to self publish his extremely brilliant book Bad Business. And he's just had a new baby. And he's reviewing books. What a guy!

[Ted]

Literary agents are the book equivalent of arms dealers, so best left alone.
Where is Bad Business by Titanic Tentacles being hawked to the public? Not on Amazon.
A new baby sounds like a good idea - is that what you meant by 'pesky life stuff' when you messaged Jemahl?

[Ted]

Rob thank you so much for your comments on the sample piece I sent out. You certainly confirmed my view that the observations from this group are of a high quality. Your suggestions are very helpful and I really appreciated your positive comments encouraging me to keep going. I also appreciated the titles of the books you thought I might consider reading as a help to identify a context for the type of stuff I am writing.

Agents and publishers? I wasted too much time on them last year. All I received back was – love the writing/great story/unusual characters/excellent writing, BUT, not our style/no interest in this stuff/couldn't sell it/keep trying/someone will like it. I have had more helpful, positive, encouraging and practical support from this group than from all the agents and publishers I contacted.

I have found a very small publisher in Coventry who provides an almost self-service approach, but they brought me to the point of publication – I give them the book, oven ready, they put it through the whole publication process and the daftness associated with it.
It suits me.

[Rob]

Ted wrote: "Rob thank you so much for your comments on the sample piece I sent out. You certainly confirmed my view that the observations from this group are of a high quality. Your suggestions are very helpfu..."

You're very welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't add anything more constructive. Perhaps some of the others will be able to add something more useful.

[Will]

I can take a look too - will at will-once.com. And I haven't forgotten Jemahl's either.

[Andrew]

I need a good line to describe something hot. I have the following contenders so far -

Hotter than a Pop-Tart in a sauna.

Hotter than a barbecue in a brothel.

Hotter than Kate Moss eating a curry in a sauna.

I wouldn't normally crowd source a good line but whisky has bypassed my normal good sense. And I've been a bit silent around here recently so why not. And you guys are an unusually funny bunch.
What do you reckon? Any suggestions for something better?

[Will]

I'm guessing that you're going for a Blackadder style over-the-top description? I'll throw some out and see if any splatter against the fan...

Hotter than the surface of the sun. In summer. At midday. In a bikini.

So hot that Anders Celsuis turned in his grave, realised that he would need to extend his scale by quite a way and uttered the ghostly word "bugger" in Swedish.

Hotter than a plutonium isotope which has been left too long in the oven at gas Mark 12 whilst wearing a duffel coat.

Hotter than a supermodel in a thong. Hotter even than a supermodel in a thong's even hotter best friend.

[Jemahl]

There's a reading of Roundhead on the Booksnippet site - just the prologue, but very well done.

http://booksnippet.com/book-snippets-...

[Andy]

Hi all. Just a quick plug for BB. It's now available on Amazon for kindle, and hard copy should be available in a day or so. Feels good to put it to bed and move on to writing again.

[Andrew]

Will wrote: "I'm guessing that you're going for a Blackadder style over-the-top description? I'll throw some out and see if any splatter against the fan...

Hotter than the surface of the sun. In summer. At mid..."

My internet was killed by my kittens! I'm back online now though. Amazingly I got some writing done while I was forcibly removed from the internet.

I like the plutonium in a thong wearing a duffel coat idea. I think I was subconsciously influenced by Blackadder more than I realized. I haven't watched since I was young but there was a horse called Baldric in my last book and clue the a mystery that referenced Blackadder. It's completely unintentional.

[Andrew]

Andy wrote: "Hi all. Just a quick plug for BB. It's now available on Amazon for kindle, and hard copy should be available in a day or so. Feels good to put it to bed and move on to writing again."

HARDBACK!!! I want one. Let us know when the HB version is out :-)

[Andy]

Paperback. My bad.

[Corben]

Andy wrote: "Hi all. Just a quick plug for BB. It's now available on Amazon for kindle, and hard copy should be available in a day or so. Feels good to put it to bed and move on to writing again."

Well done, Andy P. I've just bought my copy. Have you got a BB trailer? A BB trailer would be fun.

[Rob]

Jemahl wrote: "There's a reading of Roundhead on the Booksnippet site - just the prologue, but very well done.

http://booksnippet.com/book-snippets-..."

Excellent. Richard produced one for me, too. A very decent guy; I hope the site really takes off for him.

[Rob]

Andy wrote: "Hi all. Just a quick plug for BB. It's now available on Amazon for kindle, and hard copy should be available in a day or so. Feels good to put it to bed and move on to writing again."

Ah, happy day. Congratulations on getting it out at last, Andy. Feel free to write another guest post for my blog if you want; always happy to help you publicise your magnum opus.

(Same goes for you other CLOGgers, of course.)

[Andrew]

Have mercy god of technology! My old loyal Kindle has died. It was an original basic Kindle with keyboard. I turned it on, it flashed at me and then it went blank. Nothing I can do will bring it back from the brink. It is kaput. My wealth of literature is gone. Words have perished. Bookmarks deceased. Future uncertain.

[Will]

My kindle has died too, but I don't think it's as bad as it seems. Aren't the books stored on the cloud somewhere as well as on the kindle itself? You might lose your bookmarks but I think the books themselves are safe.

[Andrew]

Nothing is safe. We are slaves to the will of technology which is unpredictable and vindictive.

But yes, all is technically good. I can replenish with backups. All I need is a new Kindle. I am currently accepting donations for a new Kindle. A paperwhite would be good. Cheques should be made out to "Andy" and sent to Santa.

[Ted]

Good to be back here – not that I went away, but I was out of action because of a nasty virus disguised as a cold and sore throat. It was really a cross between the fifth horseman of the Apocalypse, the Black Death and a bad hangover. It lasted for over a week with some prophets of doom reassuring me it will more likely last three weeks! I have had enough of it so I have given up being ill.
I endured my affliction like a man – I moaned, complained, demanded constant attention and whenever any one was foolish enough to ask how I was I pinned them to the floor and took them through all the gory details of my afflictions.
The only benefit from the evil experience was that I was able to finish Jemahl’s book. A review will appear and be published wherever these things are best published. I was greatly impressed by the story and the historical detail. The telling of the practicalities of battle was powerful and the change in a character was well plotted and revealed through the actions and opinions expressed. I loved the contrast between the measured tones of the letters and the accounts of the reality of battle as experienced by our hero. I need more time to reflect and identify why the book worked so well. What a shame that we no longer use evocative phrases like ‘noddie mecock’.

Will, how do I send you a copy of the sample of my FFF book as you requested?

[Jemahl]

Ive been afflicted with the same apocalypse flu :( Ive started the extract you sent but havent really done anything for the last week or so, I will send you my thoughts soon. I think my main concern is there needs to be something to put the reader on his side more, rather than just the acid observations of his collegues etc. When my head is togehter i will send more to your email.

AmaZon reviews are v welcome for TLR.

[Rob]

Ted wrote: "Will, how do I send you a copy of the sample of my FFF book as you requested? "

Ted - I've sent you the email addresses of some of the CLOG members. It should be easier than having to ask people individually.

I'm also thinking of changing my legal name to Noddie Mecock.

[Ted]

Naw, the name wouldn't suit your photograph, not with the meaning Jemahl found for it.

Will's address is not on the list.

[Rob]

Sorry; it's will at will-once. com .

I won't ask what name you do think fits a face like mine...

[Andrew]

Look what was in the post when I got in from work today! The first CLOG paperback to go on my bookshelf!

+

[Corben]

Nice one, AndyChap

Is it signed? My e-copy appeared on my Kindle a few days ago and I'm reading it right now. I love this book.
It seems to be moving up the Amazon charts very nicely.

[Andrew]

No, not signed. Cool if it was though. Do you think Andy will fly to England just to sign it for me? I reckon he would.

[Rob]

Corben wrote: "Nice one, AndyChap

Is it signed? My e-copy appeared on my Kindle a few days ago and I'm reading it right now. I love this book.
It seems to be moving up the Amazon charts very nicely."

I've got a Kindle copy too. Is my memory playing tricks or is the grinning simian a new addition?

While I figure that out, I'm going to try to put Tommy, God of the Island of Wonder on the Kindle so I can read it with my son.

[Andrew]

Rob wrote: "While I figure that out, I'm going to try to put Tommy, God of the Island of Wonder on the Kindle so I can read it with my son.
"

Awesome!