CLOG - Comedy Literature Only Group discussion
CLOG?
I am happy to email the first few chapters to people who would like to tear me a new one, but ithasnt changed substantially from the early days. Although c3 is new to cloggers.My publisher is reading it at the moment, but it isnt sold yet. Despite Roundhead being in netgalleys top ten, The Times review etc etc agents have been disintetested at best :(
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Could you email it to me, Jemahl - corben dot duke at gmail dot com. Ta.
And me too please - Will at Will-Once dot com
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I have a short story that I want to enter into the Purbeck Literary Festival Short Story Comp. If anyone has the time, could you give it the once-over. Comedy stories can do quite well. I think it's a relief for the judges to read something that's not full of angst.Here it is:
The first British mission to Mars demanded a leader of great courage, initiative, and total unflappability. In short, a Hero. Instead, it ended up with Flint Dugdale, man of the people—just the wrong kind of people.
Aboard the orbiting Mayflower III, Dugdale probed a fat finger between his teeth while he read the National Astronomical Flight Agency’s latest orders. “Commander Dugdale, please remove the chewing gum from the cockpit webcam.”
With a spitty digit he slowly typed “Naff off” on the flight-console touchscreen and prodded SEND. Another finger-swipe displayed the TV listings and Pick of the Day: “The First Man on Mars. Who is Flint Dugdale?”
“By ‘eck,” he said, “a programme about me. This calls for a celebration!”
He reached under his seat for a steak pie and a can of Stallion lager. After activating the pie’s insta-heat tag, he tore off the wrapping and tossed it into the zero-G atmosphere where it joined a spiralling galaxy of crisp packets, beer cans and globules of congealed gravy.
“Tomorrow,” the voice-over started, “Commander Dugdale will make History.”
“Get in!” A victorious fist-punch sprayed a shower of lager droplets towards the screen.
“But what kind of man is he?”
“Chuffin’ lovely,” mumbled Dugdale through a mouthful of pie.
“A controversial figure. Even within NAFA many are unhappy with him taking control of the mission.”
“Like who?” demanded Dugdale.
The picture cut to a smartly dressed man.
“Oh, I could’a guessed it were ‘im!”
NAFA Director Jeremy Franklin explained “Our contract with the mission sponsors, Stallion Lager, obliged us to include the winner of Who Wants to go to Mars? But one instinctively knows when a person is unsuitable. Indeed, our aptitude tests ranked Dugdale somewhere between a horse and an orang-utan.”
“Bullshit.”
The screen played footage of Flint’s win on the reality TV show. “The British public,” continued the voice-over, “perhaps through an act of collective mischief, voted for him in their millions. But he was only ever supposed to be a passenger, until a power surge in the urine extractor caused Commander Chad Lionheart’s fatal injury. NAFA immediately ordered Lieutenant Warner to take charge. So how did Dugdale assume control?”
“Yorkshire grit,” responded Flint, glancing to his right at Warner who was still securely gagged and gaffer-taped to his chair.
“But what is Flint Dugdale really like?” said the presenter.
“Frackin’ gorgeous.”
“Who better to ask than his friends and family; those he grew up with. Tara Pipperton is live in Huddersfield.”
The picture cut to a seedy pub and a nervous-looking reporter with an inebriated mob behind her.
Dugdale leaned forward for a closer look. “By ‘eck! That’s t’Muck’n’Shovel!” A smile opened on his face.
The crowd were chanting and waving homemade banners. “Yorkshires Fist Man on Mar’s”, and “Flint dose us proud!”
The sight brought tears to Dugdale’s eyes as waves of nostalgia washed over him. These were his people, his tribe. Snatches of remembered yobbish cries issued from his mouth as he recognised old mates Scudder, Banyard, Mugger.
“Welcome to Commander Dugdale’s hometown,” said Tara, struggling to be heard as the crowd fought for camera attention. “Tonight, on the eve of the historic transfer to Mars, the people of Huddersfield have their own special messages for their hero.”
Flint synchronised swigs of lager with his mates and echoed their rowdy chants and choruses.
Tara turned to an elderly, bespectacled man who was kneeling down, removing a pair of bicycle clips.
“We’re thrilled to have his old English teacher from Grimley Comprehensive ...”
Dugdale uttered a dull groan. “Oh, for frack’s sake! Of all’t chuffin’ people, not’im.”
“Mr Potter, can you give us an insight into the young Flint?”
The old man creakily raised himself. “You wanna know about Dugdale? I’ll tell yer about ‘im. He were a worthless toerag. A bone idle little fu….” With the director screaming in her earpiece, Tara snatched back the mic and swung it into Scudder.
“Aye-up, Fluggdale, mate,” said Scudder, leaning against Tara’s immaculate trouser suit to steady an alcohol-induced list. “I friggin’ love yer, man…” his drunken eyes fell on the camera. “… I gotta tell yer summat real important.”
He straightened up as if to deliver a heartfelt message. Instead, an enormous belch sent beer-fumes towards Tara. The crowd roared with delight and Flint nearly choked on his pie.
Tara backed away from the mob, gasping for air, and turned to her left. “Er, perhaps this lady has a message?”
With bulging boobs, piercings and tarty make-up, Aleesha was most definitely not a lady. She puffed herself up. “Yeah,” she said, hauling the mic to her heavily lip-sticked mouth. “I gotta message for yer, Mr Loverman. Remember that night in’t metal wheely bin behind t’chippy?”
Flint’s eyes widened and a lustful smile played about his lips. It had been their last night together, before she’d dumped him for shagging her mum. That night he’d made a real effort, attentively arranging bags with soft waste in the large bin to make sure Aleesha would be comfortable. The pitter-patter of raindrops, dancing on the closed metal lid above them, had added to the romance. He’d even brought along a couple of candles because Scudder had told him ‘Birds luv that kinda shite’. It hadn’t been his fault a half-eaten kebab had been lobbed into the bin at the critical moment.
Aleesha was holding up a squirming urchin. “Meet t’sprog yer left me saddled with, yer bastard. Go on Tyrone, say summat to yer friggin’ dad.”
Tyrone’s top teeth hooked over his bottom lip. “Fu ...” he started.
Flint tapped PAUSE and then SAVEd his son’s image. He stared out through the cockpit window at the Martian surface below, suddenly lost in reverie.
There comes a Moment when a man realises there’s more to life than beer, sex, fame and football. Was this Flint’s Moment? Would fatherhood and his place in History bring out the inner hero?
The rasp of a violent gas emission trumpeted the answer.
Maybe tomorrow.
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I've emailed you some thoughts.
Im not sure, Corbs. The writing is fine etc, but it leaves a lot open for a self contained short-story? It may be cos I already have a grasp of TWMOM that Im thinking that though.
How do you like your feedback? Public or private? I can PM or I can post here. Your choice.
Me or Corbs, Will? I don't mind it being public.
Hi ya all. Jemahl would you mind emailing me a copy too? Titanictales@yahoo.com.au
Sorry, I meant Corben. But happy to give you feedback either in public or private too.This could get a bit confusing as a thread about CLOG has morphed into a feedback thread. We could confuse each other with cross-posting.
Maybe the answer for the time being is to open new threads for each book or story that people would like feedback on? Say one thread for Corben's comp entry and another for your book?
If we want to be really fancy, we could have sub-folder things which could be a mix of feedback requests and author promotion stuff. Is that something that Rob could do with his supermod powers?
Jemahl wrote: "Im not sure, Corbs. The writing is fine etc, but it leaves a lot open for a self contained short-story? It may be cos I already have a grasp of TWMOM that Im thinking that though."Thanks, Jemahl.
I guess you're saying the story only leads to a moment of reflection on Dugdale's part and we don't actually get to see him land on Mars.
Will wrote: "Sorry, I meant Corben. But happy to give you feedback either in public or private too.This could get a bit confusing as a thread about CLOG has morphed into a feedback thread. We could confuse ea..."
Hi Will Once,
I knew a Will once. He wasn't a Will Once though.
I'm very happy for any comments to be posted here. We're all friends.
I have your book on my Kindle (Love, Death & Tea). I'm just reading Jemahl excellent book The Last Roundhead at the mo, and then I'll give yours a read.
Corben wrote: "Jemahl wrote: "Im not sure, Corbs. The writing is fine etc, but it leaves a lot open for a self contained short-story? It may be cos I already have a grasp of TWMOM that Im thinking that though."..."
I don't think he has to land on Mars, but yeah the conclusion needs to be more of a climax. it can be mumdane.
Many moons ago I read a short story set in the 50s on a train all about a businessman who every day smokes an embassy regal on his train into work. Every day he has the same pattern, then one day a man is in the cabin and takes a regal from his pack and smokes it, in outrage the man takes another and the other man takes one they are clearly both getting angry, by the end of the journey no regals left. As the businessman walks away cursing about the rude interloper smoking his fags, he finds his unopened packet in his pocket, 'twas he who had been the fag pilferer all along. SO the whole story was effectively contained within that one conflict. Does that make sense?
CorbenQuick comments:
I really liked the premise. We are accustomed to our astronauts being highly professional, so it's a fun switch to have a poorly performing lout as hero. Shades of Lister in Red Dwarf, perhaps?
If you are looking for a title, I would suggest "T'reet stuff."
Some stylistic thoughts. You've got a lot of short paragraphs, including several one line paragraphs. The ending in particular seems to be several short paras one after the other. There's nothing wrong with that, but you could get more impact if you mixed up long and short paras.
I'm not sure the story needed the teacher. The mother and child are where the main action is, so you could focus on them.
There is a bit of sameness about your descriptions. Nearly every description is adjective-noun. Great courage. Congealed gravy. Victorious fist punch. Seedy pub. Nervous-looking reporter. Again, there's nothing wrong with each one individually, but a story full of the same formulation can get repetitive. You might want to mix it up, with some adjective-noun as well as other techniques such as simile and metaphor. You could linger the camera on one particular detail (say the mother) and give us more detail about her. It would be good to give some descriptions from Dugdale's perspective.
If I am being really picky I'd quibble about the capital letters for History and Hero.
All in all, it's a fun story. If it were me, I'd want to give it another polish to make the descriptions a bit zingier.
Hope that doesn't come across as harsh! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
Thanks Will, Jemahl and Rob (emailed separately).All good points which I'll take on board. I'll mix the descriptive style up as per Will's comments. And I'll work on a stronger point to the story. I'm thinking that the beginning should show why Dugdale is a bit of a yob - a young, single man with no responsibilities. That would strengthen the end, when he finds out he's a father and we're expecting him to change his outlook. I'll work on it.
Thanks again chaps, you're the best.
Great little review from the Historical Novel Society for Roundhead. https://historicalnovelsociety.org/re...
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https://historicalnovelsociety.org/re..."
Nice. I hope it encourages some new purchases.
I really should work on trying to get a few more reviews for mine. Sadly, there isn't a society specialising in fantasy, spoof and ontology...
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If you have a novel that is complete (or very near to it) and you feel you might benefit from a bit of help in finding an agent, please take a look at the Slush Pile. http://www.theslush.com/
One of its founders was Kerry Donovan, whom some of you will recall from Autho. He and some other writers have set up a site that runs a weekly competition, the prize for which is to get your work pushed out to a bunch of participating agents. (3 agents are definitely on board in the States, plus about 30 others in the UK and US who have said they'll take a look at the winners.) The top 5 entries get listed each week.
There's an option to enter for free, and additional paid options that provide added levels of feedback.
All the details are on the site and I've already submitted my entry so please feel free to do likewise. This is the opening week, so anyone who enters now will be entering for the following week. All I'd suggest is that if multiple CLOGgers want to enter, it's probably a good idea to let the others know which week you're going for so that you don't wind up competing against one another. (I entered Unreliable Histories for week 1, so there would be no danger of any entries this week competing against it.)
I spoke to Kerry, by the way, and he said he'd be very happy for us to spread the word. The more people hear about it, the higher the quality of entries will be, and the more agents are likely to treat it seriously.
Interesting idea - thanks for posting it. I would be tempted, but I'll wait a while before submitting.
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Oh - I should also add that entries are submitted anonymously - under a pen name - so as to ensure that entries are judged on merit rather than on the basis of an author's past record. Not that most of us have a past record, but I thought I'd mention it.
That reminds me of a very old joke. A man goes into the Australian Embassy in London to ask about emigration.The Embassy clerk asks him a series of questions. Name, address, that sort of thing.
"And do you have a criminal record?"
The main thinks about it for a second before saying: "Blimey, I didn't think you still needed one of those."
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
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I'm happy to do that if that's what people want. I'm also happy to be-mod anyone who want such heady powers.
Back on Autho, we stuck with a single thread for everything but multiple threads for each work would work well, too. Just let me know.
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I'm not ignoring the jokes, by the way. I just can't think of any that aren't spectacularly rude. (Sadly, they're the only ones that ever stick in my memory.)
Much more like it chaps. How do I take part in the occasional book review. Please email me anything you'd like me to consider.I've just posted a review on this site for:
The Evolution of Inanimate Objects: The Life and Collected Works of Thomas Darwin (1857-1879)
Impressive as it is I've read a lot better on Authonomy and certainly nowhere near as humourous as it might first appear. More reviews to come in due course.
Will wrote: "That reminds me of a very old joke. A man goes into the Australian Embassy in London to ask about emigration.The Embassy clerk asks him a series of questions. Name, address, that sort of thing.
..."
To paraphrase something I heard on Hancock's Half Hour...
Bill Kerr: Australia's a marvellous place. Everyone's fizzing, full of energy, positive, always on the go...
Hancock: Well why did you come over here?
Bill Kerr: By the time I was 12 I was exhausted.
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Thus far, we're relying on email. Jemahl sent us copies of the first 30 pages (which include the line: "you sly young turdlet" - which I very much enjoyed.) Reviews by the end of the month, as usual.
Rob wrote: "Alastair wrote: "Much more like it chaps. How do I take part in the occasional book review. Please email me anything you'd like me to consider..."Thus far, we're relying on email. Jemahl sent us ..."
Oh. I emailed my comments directly to Jemahl. In truth I didn't have anything useful to say. It's already very polished writing to the same high standard as his published work. Assuming he has a good pitch & short summary, he'll find a publishing home for it very quickly.
It's gone v quiet in here. Anyone get picked on the slushpile?
Actually I see two of you have. Congrats Rob and Corbyn! I think I may submit BTT next week.
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Jemahl wrote: "Actually I see two of you have. Congrats Rob and Corbyn! I think I may submit BTT next week."Thanks Jemahl.
You should definitely send them yours. It would be great to pass the baton to a fellow CLOGster.
I might have a dog too. It's judged on query letters right? Is that what you submit?
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Query letter, blurb, synopsis and the first 2000 words.
Good luck, too...
Not gonna get far just having a dog. Maybe if I have a dig though.
Andy wrote: "I might have a dog too. It's judged on query letters right? Is that what you submit?"They want a short blurb, summary and the first 2,000 words. The best bit is that you have to use a pseudonym to remain anonymous. I used the name Colin Plum in place of my other fake name (Corben Duke). I now have so many names I'm beginning to find it difficult my real name (Hiram J Hackenbacker).
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A really big dog might scare someone into offering you a deal.
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Dear Hiram,
The anonymity thing looks like it's going to be dropped. Still, for those who enjoy noms de plume - or in your case noms de Plum - there's no rule against using one.
Yeah the anonymity thing is a but of a bugger. I mean, in my query I obviously reference TLR and netgally and the Times and now the HNS review as part of my spiel. It's a bit difficult to do that without mentioning the name of book 1 and blowing my anonymity. A casual google would reveal me in all my (ahem) glory.
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Rob wrote: "I honestly don't think it will be a problem. Using your own name makes sense, especially if you've already had one well received book. I'm pretty sure the anonymity idea is a non issue now."Or Jemahl might want to pose as Chesney Lloyd, a cashier at the Golden Woggle amusement arcade in Rhyl. Chesney's written several best-sellers but his dream is to become a literary agent.
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I've emailed more detailed notes so this is just a quick summary.
Essentially, given your success with TLR, I can't see why this shouldn't be equally well received - or perhaps more so, given that it can point to something of an established following. I'd be very surprised if this isn't taken up by someone.
The structure (based on the first 3 chapters sent) is very solid, establishing the character and then launching us into a whole tumultuous series of events - a battle, a murder, a fight with ruffians - and all against a backdrop of war and intrigue.
I've said before about your writing that it's very hard to offer any meaningful critique because so much of it speaks of being very carefully researched. It's clear that you've steered the plot in such a way as to link together many key events and characteristics of the era. Consequently, there's little I can do but congratulate you on it. It works well, particularly because the characters are such a lot of fun. They shed a very human light on the proceedings, turning what might otherwise have been a quite complex and fact-heavy tale into something very engaging and accessible.
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mam? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Headmaster!"
CLOG - Comedy Literature Only Group
Books mentioned in this topic
The Legend of Dan (other topics)Love, Death and Tea (other topics)
Authors mentioned in this topic
Ted Dunphy (other topics)Will Once (other topics)
I seem to recall he's already sent it to publishers. Better check that he's looking for feedback before I put my kicking boots on.