Hi Christine. I only took a quick look at the start of your story so I can't comment on the overall story or content.
But you start with very dense and introspective narrative that gives no idea of who, where, or why we are listening to this outpouring of personal philosophy.
It is not the greatest way to capture a reader's attention or interest. By page four we are still listening to the narrator pass judgement upon himself but with no specifics or any reason why we should care about this person's problems.
Is he young, old, rich, poor? Is he standing on the guillotine, or sitting in a penthouse jacuzzi? Is he just reminiscing over a beer or thinking about suicide? We have no idea, and that makes it very hard to care or to listen sympathetically.
But you start with very dense and introspective narrative that gives no idea of who, where, or why we are listening to this outpouring of personal philosophy.
It is not the greatest way to capture a reader's attention or interest. By page four we are still listening to the narrator pass judgement upon himself but with no specifics or any reason why we should care about this person's problems.
Is he young, old, rich, poor? Is he standing on the guillotine, or sitting in a penthouse jacuzzi? Is he just reminiscing over a beer or thinking about suicide? We have no idea, and that makes it very hard to care or to listen sympathetically.