It's supposed to be called journal...

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

I'm supposed to write something in this and it seems kinda strange to introduce myself to myself so I'm kinda stuck on this one ^^

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

So to make this work and not feel awkward for talking to myself, I'm going to treat this like I'm talking to an imaginary friend (which is the same as talking to myself but still...). And friends need names so I'm going to call it....... *thinking, thinking* (after 20 or so minutes) Oh, I've got it!! It's going to be called Nemo! Yup, it. Not he or she, just it. It's going to have the best qualities of both worlds and we'll be BFF for life. I wish I could live in that world where everyone is loyal and doesn't stab you in the back but it doesn't work like that so Nemo will eventually betray me too but lets have this while we can! I already feel like we're going to be good friends :)

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
you basically don't know nothing about me so let's start introdusing. *extending my hand* I'm Marija *shaking hands* nice to meet you *smiling and retreating my hand* I'm 17 years old girl obsessing over music and books. First thing you can know about me by just only seeing me. I almost every time have my headphones on and an open book in hands (even in some very boring classes when we do nothing but make some noise but don't tell anyone). I have a big infatuation with boys who knows to draw (Easy is one of my favorite books). I'm hopelessly in love with fictional characters and regret every day that I don't live in books. I'm an awful singer and my friends often have to shut me up when they catch me singing (I don't even realise i'm singing out loud). I have song lyrics written all over my school books. I write sometimes but am no brave enough to show it to anyone except my teacher when we have to write for class. I get panic attacks in big crowds. I hate my family very often but I still couldn't live without them. I don't ever wanna grow up (tickets for Neverland? Anybody?). I'm insecure about lot of things but mostly about how I look but kill me if I admit that to anyone (you don't count). My friends actually think I'm weird. My favorite band is 30 Seconds to Mars and my favorite singer currently is Adam Gontier (ex-singer of Three Days Grace). My favorite book is The Book Thief but The Name of the Wind is close too. I have unhealthy relationship with my crush. Never had a boyfriend. My first kiss was a bet. I wanna live in peace with everyone around me but still didn't get to that point. I'm very kind sometimes but very awful on my bad days. I had three cats which are dead now. I'm fangirling over Jared Leto (what? He's handsome). I don't have a best friend. I don't trust people easely. I hate snakes and am terrified of spiders. I've never been in love. I don't know what else to write so I'm going to stop now before it gets too out of control (like it didn't).

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
I think I'm starting to get better at math. I'm so tired of always failing in it mostly because my dad is mathematic genious and I'm not. I used to feel like a major failure because of that but now I don't even care. Like I'd ever use all those equatations in real life -.- I'm glad I take after my mother and am better at languages XD But I still feel stupid when I don't know how to solve math problem. It's too much pressure on my brain, you can say.

Because music is my other half, I decided to post random songs and my favorite parts of them so the song of the day is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZrQPF...

"In my head there is a riot
And I don't think that I can fight it"

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
I had to do some medical testes this morning. I hoped I wouldn't have to go to school but I finished soon enough to be late just 20 minutes in first period -.- I had to do blood test too and didn't eat from 18 o'clock yesterday so I had to suffer through 2 more periods 'till I finally got to eat something. It was the most delicious hamburger I've ever eaten :P
Of course, my mom freaked out when she heard that I had to do it because my back was hurting since August and finally I went to doctor this Monday. She told me to do tests because she had to be sure it has nothing to do with kidneys and then we'll work on spine bone. My mom, being my mom, immediately thought of the worst and she even ended up crying over nothing. I got my results when I finished with school for today. I don't understand a word written there but my dad said it was okay. Like I didn't know it didn't have nothing to do with kidneys -.- My doctor doesn't work 'till Monday so we'll see what happens next week...

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
I just finished reading Onyx and I can't describe what I'm feeling at the moment! And I find Opal on the internet so I just hava to finish Rule so I can get on that one!
But I'm not here to talk about that (even if it's important stuff for me :P). I finally got time to check out The Pretty Reckless' new album! Yay for me! Album, all in all, isn't that bad but I get that feeling that songs were written to rather to shock than anything else. But U still genuenly like some songs. I'll leave links when I finish. Music had that old school rock vibe that I really liked and what made this albim different from their precious work. And the lyrics of course. I love Taylor's croaky voice and hers and Amy Lee's voices are always going to be my favorite female voices <3333 So to finish this sorta rant, all in all, I liked 4 songs from whole album and "House on a Hill" became very close to me. I listened to it on repeat the whole day XD
So my favorite songs are:

Going to Hell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVs2dZ...
"For the life that I take, I'm going to hell!
For the laws that I break, I'm going to hell!
For the love that I hate, I'm going to hell!
For the lies that I make, I'm going to hell!"

House on a Hill (favorite favorite): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xCdxb...
"Somewhere in the end of all this hate
There's a light ahead
That shines into this grave that's in the end of all this pain"
(...)
"I am not afraid
I won't burn out in this place
My intention is to fade and I will, I will"

Absolution: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wjGfJ...
"Everyone has got to be saved
I have heard a voice if it came down to make a choice
I would be the one who’s replaced"

Blame Me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIR9tk...
"Earthquake, body shake, joke is all on me
I remember when I remember the time
Didn't have to take just to feel alive"

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
I guess I don't have a habit of writing a journal. I know, I'm a bad friend. I never claimed something different. I'm a cold hearted bitch. Yup. That's what I am. I don't care about my friend's feelings and that makes me awful person. Like you and others care about mine. You do? Keep telling yourself that. You know it's not true...

Song of the day: Free Now by Sleeping With Sirens (Kellin has an awfully girly voice but I love some songs by this band so I don't care) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obJm7...

"I am free now
Free to live without my fears
I believe now
There's a reason why I'm here
It's to try to do good
It's to try to do better"
(...)
"And we dream of the day, when our kids can play
In the streets with no fear of being taken away
Fathers raise their sons with respect and love
Handle anger and pain with no need for no guns
If we hope to be free it takes you and me
To start over here and now
'Cause this world is the way it is,
It's how we raise our kids"

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
this topic is not something I feel comfortable talking about, but I always thought writing something down make you fel better, so here it goes... My dad drinks. He was an alchoholic but I like to think that he got over it. Well, it seems he didn't. He got pretty drunk last night. And it was pretty much awful. He even smashed glass from the table. I was terrified. And we fighted. A lot. And my mom is mad at him. Again. And I can't forgive him after last night. I feel so betrayed. But I can't help to love him and feel sorry for him after all. I know he has a lot of problems and he doesn't know other way to deal with it. But it's still not right. I think I'm done. It's still fresh in my mind for me to talk more about it. It's so hard.

This one's for you, my family: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHIF6t...

I don't have favorite lyrics for this one because I relate to whole song and every word of it is my favorite <3

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
I haven't wrote you in a while, huh? I told you I'm a terrible friend. But you have to deal with it 'cause I created you and you can't disobey me. Well, at least I think you can't. It can happen, I guess. But just not this time. I had a tough week. We were (my family and me) organising some family meeting and I had a lot of stuff to do. Like cleaning house -.- And it happened yesterday, that meeting, so I had to serve guests whole day. There weren't many people but still... And on top of that all my insomnia is back. Ugh!!! I hate that thing! I wonder does anyone love when they can't sleep... Must be weird ^^
So, my grades are literally falling apart. I don't know how I'll pass this year and, if I pass this one, how I'll survive next one. That one will be the hardest -.-
My cousing robbed me of my books. Is it normal that I feel physical pain when I have to lent them to someone? Didn't think so... I'm a weirdo, what can you say :P When I think about that word, it always reminds me of that song by Radiohead that I was obssesed with a long time ago. It's called "Creep". It's very old but I still love it <3
I think that's all for now. It's not like I have something big to say when I write you, anyway...

Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxotdz... (I heard it this morning on my iPod and I couldn't get it out of my head since then)

"It's over, I quit
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyway
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here
Why somebody else take my place?"
(...)
"I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive."

[Marija *Why you mad, why you sad*]

Dear Nemo,
situation with my mom frustrates me to no end. I mean, how old am I? Five? All of my friends are going out and enjoying life and I get to stay at home? It's not fair! Today I met my old friend from middle school and she told me how she went on some amazing gigs. I felt so jealous. She used to call me to come with her because we like the same kind of music, but my mother always said "no", so she eventually gave up. Today, she said she'll call me when they'll be going out again but I don't see why she's bothering. And today, my friends envited me to go watch "Vampire Academy" (yeah, it's kinda late but it finally came here -.-) in town near by and I didn't even try to ask my parents 'cause I already knew the answer. Always the same: "You have to wait just one more year and then you get to do everything you want". Yeah, right. What's big deal about being 18, anyway? It's not like it changes anything. And I have no expirience in going out and my mom would freak out ten thousand times worse than she did before. I hate this -.- Why can't she just trust me and let me live my life?

Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJqr1c...