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Short Story Wars - You Be The Judge
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Both of these are great descriptive writing, but require proofreading!
D.J. wrote: "Hi everyone! We're going to pit two short stories against each other. You guys will be the judges and determine which one is the victor and gutted loser."A brother and sister writing team? How sweet.
Both had a lot of story packed in a few words, which was cool, but the first had a twist that I liked. I am going to go with that one.
Although I liked both I think I will have to go for Story 2 Pool boy, for me it felt more immersive.
Story #1: The Face
We played with volleyballs which were solid like bricks and grippy like leather. Over classmates in PE I had an advantage as a baseball player which naturally made dodge ball my favorite game. I tightened my grip on the hexagonal ridges and locked onto the target. Bringing my leg up, I winded back. Planting my good foot down, I jerked my arm forward like a slingshot, hurling it forth; sweat flying from my brow in the effort. Releasing a breath of relief, a hand flatly raised over my eyes in the mimic of a baseball cap, I looked on in satisfaction as the projectile bulleted towards her. I blinked confused, catching the flicker of flames"no doubt imagined"trailing the spinning ball.
The collusion was surreal. The ball met the face of the beauty in a twisting impact that was all I could’ve hoped for as she was swept off her feet. I beamed, elated for the girl I had a crush on had finally noticed me.
Story #2: Pool Boy
Kicking out, pain spiked through my legs, my heart skipped a beat, they had cramped. I was out of breath, out of hope. As I sank further into the brilliant blue of the chlorine infused waters, I churned, flailed, struggled, in the fight for life. I was reduced to prayer; prayer for help, for guidance, for a savior, all I needed was one, just one, just this once to notice me, to detect my distress, my presence. No one came, I was forgotten, no, I was never remembered. Eyes wide, open; the light was guided out of them.