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Ask questions about writing > Please give advice on how to improve these scenes!

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message 2: by Alice (new)

Alice (alice20) Good job Nuzhatyousuf! I love the romance scenes in particular ;) You seem to be really good at writing romances!

I would advise you to take out any unnecessary details, though.
There are too many sentences like "I changed into a tank top and shorts from my babydoll, made my bed and hooked up my iPad to the charger before getting out." and "The time on the AC showed 2:13 am." Unless the fact that the narrator has an iPad is relevant and significant to the story, take the detail out. Details are good, but too many unnecessary ones often slow down the pacing and bore the reader.

Also, your overall premise seemed interesting, but I had no idea what was happening, where the characters were, or what the characters' backgrounds were. (I don't even think I saw a name in there!) Giving background information is important to make the reader connect with the characters, so I would advise adding a little bit more info through dialogue or inner narration.

But great job, again! I hope my advice helped :D

message 3: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson | 93 comments Mod
Nuzhatyousuf, this story is good. Your writing is really getting there. I found the development from 'him' just being a 'hot-guy' into an actually character was nice.
In some parts your mix up the past/present tense so watch out for that! I do it too at times in my writing, it's so easily done!
Also, I absolutely need to know more about these characters. I mean where's the character depth? When creating a character try writing out a little profile of theirs with needless facts like; what's their favourite colour? If they could save two people from a burning building who would it be? Ect..
Can you maybe rewrite some of it? Because I can see you have a lot of feedback from people which is great, and I'd love to see this writing develop as its already a lovely premise. Girl meets boy, who doesn't love that?

message 4: by Nuzhat (new)

Nuzhat Yousuf (shababa51) | 22 comments OMG!!! YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST!!!!! This the best group ever!!!!! The feedbacks are AWESOME!!!!!!!

message 5: by Nuzhat (new)

Nuzhat Yousuf (shababa51) | 22 comments I added background info!

message 7: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson | 93 comments Mod
Okay so this background information is great, a little bit cliche but it can certainly work with your characters. Work this information into the rest of your writing.
So when you describe Asher now, try an refrain from using the word 'sexy' and use words like 'haunted' or perhaps talk about the 'constant pain in his chocolate-brown eyes that carries the smiles of his parents'. Because instantly there you have created a more in depth emotional connection between not only the characters but the readers and the lead boy.
Please re-write some of your work too because I'm so interested on watching your writing grow and alter, and one day you can compare your first draft with your last and admire how far you've come. xx

message 8: by Nuzhat (new)

Nuzhat Yousuf (shababa51) | 22 comments Thnx again!! But I hardly have time to write as I O'levels coming up in May! I write or brainstorm after finishing my studies which is like at 11 pm. And this is all so new for me! U r telling me to work the background in all the scenes I write. It's seems so hard! I don't know how I'm gonna do it! Still thnx a lot!!

message 9: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson | 93 comments Mod
That's fine, write when you have the time:) Writing shouldn't become a chore, it should be a pleasure!:D Good luck with your O'levels, that's kind of like GCSE's, right?
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to improve all the time, writing is an amazing type of escapism that doesn't need to keep getting better because the more you write, the more you'll improve. :D

message 10: by Nuzhat (new)

Nuzhat Yousuf (shababa51) | 22 comments Thnx! And now it's IGCSE

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