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Post your stories for feedback > A Work-in-Progress

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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)


This is the first draft, so it's probably not the best. :)

message 2: by Iesha (In east shade house at...) (last edited Feb 01, 2014 06:52PM) (new)

Iesha (In east shade house at...) (emberblue) | 150 comments I suggest more details or descriptions. How does your characters look in the viewers eyes, and describing the setting helps.

message 3: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson | 93 comments Mod
Hey Raevyn, totally intriguing story. I'm just about to start a book called 'Slated' - if you didn't already know its about someone's memory being erased for being a terrorist. I'm only on the first chapter but maybe you should read it to get some ideas?

I liked the lead up to the boys life though it was very quick and prologue-like. I think I agree with the comment above, try adding some description:) Also the change from the boys point of view to the girls is a bit too confusing. Other than that I like it, keep up the good work:D

message 4: by Alice (new)

Alice (alice20) Yup, I agree with Iesha and Amy... details are especially important in your story since it's set in an unfamiliar futuristic setting. For example, what does the world look like? What does the SOL do? Who is Mr. Hartford?
ALso, I agree with what Amy said about POVs. There seems to be a lot of different things going on, and I was slightly overwhelmed and lost as you switched through POVs.
I really like the premise though! Your story description got me intrigued right from the start. I'm interested to see where it's going to go! :)

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