Not quite ready for primetime but good debut

[Marilyn]

I have to preface my review saying I write memoirs so I'm picky. I never read memoirs until after I was published as not to influence my story. Then I read a boatload of memoirs and was mostly disappointed. I want to state my opinion of the positive and negative aspects of "With you or without you". First the writing and prose are first rate and better than most of the memoirs I have read. She paints good pictures with words and puts the reader in the story in a good way. I enjoyed her story and wasn't shocked or thought she was making up stuff. Stuff happens in real life that sounds unbelievable to those living more conventional lives. I know people like Kathi who sound really out there or made up, and I was also brought up around similar people albeit of a different culture.
Now here are the negatives. I don't believe Ms. Ruta was ready to write the story because she left out an important part of any memoir and that is a willingness to reveal your flaws and your feelings to the reader in a real way. She seemed to be brutal and ready to talk about her mother but not as ready to let us know her. Yes, she cries, she leaves, she comes back, she drinks, she stops, but we are left without really knowing her. She is reluctant, not ready or not wanting to be as candid with her story as I would have liked. For example she does not go into details about the molestation. She doesn't have to but it doesn't feel real unless you tell us some of the ugly truth. Maybe she hasn't come to terms with it yet but writing a memoir in a restrained manner is not the way to touch readers. You have to be vulnerable. She is humble but I didn't feel we got the whole story. I wanted to know more. I wanted more details in order to understand the story better. She might be too young or not ready to explain not only what her mother did and how it affected her but the details of her downward spiral. Maybe she felt that details were too private to share but it made her book a bit cold despite the tears. My last comment has to do with other comments I have read about here regarding inserting the chapter about the dogs and if that chapter was relevant or not. Ms. Ruta mentioned that she started with short stories and her book had that feel which is fine with me. A memoir is a series of short stories of your life. I didn't mind the chapter about her life with dogs. She must have felt comfortable telling us about how they soothed her during her difficult childhood. I just wish she had been that intimate about her life in general. Writers who write about themselves are constantly told not to be self-indulgent; not to write a "poor me" book but she needed to show us more feeling. Maybe in her next book she will be less constrained. The fact that I wanted more is a good sign. She writes well and I know she will continue her successful career She will learn to write with abandon. Aloha

[Laura]

I totally agree! I wrote something similar in my review. It almost felt like an extensive list of all of the reasons Ruta was angry at her mother without really letting us in at all. Don't get me wrong, her mother definitely had her issues, but I had trouble with the way Ruta presented her. Most of the book seemed to have this bitter, angry tone that quite honestly turned me off a little bit. I found myself not really invested in her story as much as I wanted to. I agree that in order for us to be invested in her memoir, she has to open herself up more and be willing to show some vulnerability.

I remember at one point, I just put the book down because she had just spent ten pages jumping all over the place listing multiple terrible things her mother had done. I kept waiting to see what it was all leading up to, and then she just abruptly stopped and skipped onto something new. At times, it felt more like a venting session than a reflective memoir.

I also finished unsatisfied and still wanting more from her. It seems like maybe she wrote this book at the wrong point in her life? I think she has great potential, it just didn't work out in this book.