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JOKES > ANYTHING

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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

tell wht ever else there r in jokes


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Stress Diet

I found a diet you might want to try. It is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds constantly! Enjoy!!

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz skimmed milk

LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

MID AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 milky way candy bars

LATE EVENING SNACK
Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer

RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as brandy, hot chocolate and Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories--the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and popsicles.

Enjoy :)



message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have,

'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...

and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."



message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

Womens' T-shirt Slogans

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

A little boy lived with his mom and his dad. One day, they were getting ready to have a party. The little boy went into the kitchen to find his mom preparing the turkey. All of a sudden, her hand spilled and she cut her finger real badly.
"FUCK!" she yelled.
"Mommy, what's fuck?" the little boy asked.
"Oh, it's... what I'm doing to this turkey," his mom said.
Then the little boy went into the bathroom to find his dad shaving when the dad cuts himself.
"SHIT!" the dad said and the little boy asked,
"What's shit?"
"Oh, it's what I'm shaving off my face," the dad said.
Then the dad finished shaving and they went out to teh living room, where the dad went to grab his coat. He accidentally hit his area and said,
"OW, MY DICK!"
"Daddy, what's a dick?"
"Oh, that's your coat, and a vagina is your hat."
So they went outside to water the plants. Meanwhile, the mom went into the bathroom to find the water running, so she went outside and said to the dad,
"YOU BASTARD!"
"Mommy, what's a bastard?"
"Um, that's what you call a man, and a woman is a bitch," the mom said. The family went back inside and the mom went back to preparing the turkey and the dad went back to shaving. Suddenly, the door bell rang, and the little boy opened the door to find a group of people standing there. So he said,
"Good evening bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and vaginas? Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and dad's in the bathroom shaving the shit off his face."


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

lol


message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

yea


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

A woman and her daughter were driving to meet the daughter's Play date.(Lets say that the woman is Mary and the daughter is Julie)
Julie asks her mom "How old are you?"
Mary repilies "Now now you dont ask a woman her age, its rude"
Julie says "ok"
Five minutes later.
julie asks "How much do you weigh mommy?"
Mary replies "now now hun that is also rude to ask a woman."
Julie says "Ok.."
about ten more minutes and julie asks "mommy.. why did you and daddy break up?"
Mary replies "Honey maybe in a few more years ill tell you ok"
Julie says "ok"

Well when julie got to the house to meet her play date she complains "My mommy never tells me anything."
Her play date, Jimmy replies "Well just look at her driver's license, that tells you everything about your mommy."

A few minutes later she looks at her mommy's drivers license. And when the play date was over and they were driving home Jule grins and says "I know how old you are mommy"
Mary ask "How old?"
Julie replies "38"
Mary is embarrassed, "How did you know that?"
Julie says "i know how much you weigh mommy"
Mary looks at her and asks "How much?"
Julie replies " 128"
Mary is again embarrassed and says nothing.
Julie then looks at her mom again. " I know why you and daddy broke up..."
Mary asks unbelievingly "You do?"
Julie says "Yeah, its because you got an F in sex"



message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

i don't get this one


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

what do you mean?... she looks at the liscence to get the weight and height... now obviously the liscence won't tell her why her parents are seperating... but she thinks that the "F" below Sex is the answer to why they are... as in she fails at having sex?


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

ohhhhh now i get it funny she's a female but she thinks ohhh


message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

-nods sympatheticly- that's the idea.


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