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Writing (Names Start w/A-M) > Cristopher's work

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message 1: by Wordy, Modérateur d'un. (new)

Wordy Nerd (wordynerd) | 1809 comments Mod
I liked it. Your story was somewhat intriguing. It held me at some parts. I think the only part you should add/change a bit is when he says "you're not following me till when he pulls her into the last carte. I just feel that you should change that part. It is hard to explain why I think that but, I just do. I loved a lot of your word choices such as stormy sea eyes.


message 2: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Ok. Thank you so much for reading it. I wasn't sure about it, because the story slows down in some parts. Was it confusing to you?


message 3: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Does it make sense?


message 4: by Wordy, Modérateur d'un. (new)

Wordy Nerd (wordynerd) | 1809 comments Mod
Christopher wrote: "Does it make sense?"

it makes sense mostly but, I think it was just slightly confusing.


message 5: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Ok, thanks:)


message 6: by Wordy, Modérateur d'un. (new)

Wordy Nerd (wordynerd) | 1809 comments Mod
You are welcome :)


message 7: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Do you know how i could make it less confusing? What parts are?


message 8: by Wordy, Modérateur d'un. (new)

Wordy Nerd (wordynerd) | 1809 comments Mod
The beginning. I think you should explain why she is running from the officer and why her mother to her is no longer her mother while in the story she is running. Explaining those little things i think will make the story clearer.


message 9: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Alright. I'll work on that:)


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

I agree with Emmanuelle...I think it's a bit confusing at points


message 11: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Things are Changing


Many times I dreamed of this day,
When we would fight over the smallest things,
I waited and waited now it’s here and, here as I wait my eyes fill with tears,
Her bags are packed and she's ready to go, to learn at a collage or so it goes,
Mother is crying, Father is sad. I'm fighting feelings I thought I never had,
Things are changing.

Mother, dear Mother do not cry, she can come and visit you all the time,
We link together like a chain,
And whispering whimpers we walked away,
Things are changing.

Thud, thud, thud, is my hearts rhythm in my chest,
For sadness is a cold stone that steals my warmth, leaving me empty and full of sorrow.
Things are changing.

Oh Father, my Father do not despair, she can come and visit you anywhere,
I look upon the sky which fits my mood; it looks pale and sick as if it had the flu,
I cried a river making a sea, and I begged and begged her do not leave,
Things are changing.

Sister, dear Sister I plead, do not go,
I'm sorry for our fights, but you cannot go,
I can do your chores, but you must tell them no.
Stay here, so that this can be so,
Things are changing.

I cried a river making a sea; I begged and begged for her not to leave.
Now I'm standing here drowning in her shoes, because they are too big and perfect for me to use.
Things changed.


message 12: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments What do you all think?


message 13: by Marie Danielle (new)

Marie Danielle (mariedanielle) | 527 comments Christopher wrote: "Things are Changing


Many times I dreamed of this day,
When we would fight over the smallest things,
I waited and waited now it’s here and, here as I wait my eyes fill with tears,
Her bags are pa..."




Wow! This piece of writing was just full of raw emotions. As I was reading it tears actually came to my eyes. It was that good. I like that it is just a little repetitive. My favorite stanza was the last one. It is hard to put into words just how much I thought it was outstanding. My only advice is change a few of your word choices. Use stronger words instead of fight, sad, cry, and etc. I really liked the phrase "Things are changing or Things Changed". Keep on writing!


message 14: by Wordy, Modérateur d'un. (new)

Wordy Nerd (wordynerd) | 1809 comments Mod
Marie Danielle wrote: "Christopher wrote: "Things are Changing


Many times I dreamed of this day,
When we would fight over the smallest things,
I waited and waited now it’s here and, here as I wait my eyes fill with te..."




I couldn't agree more with Marie Danielle. Everything about it was just awesome.


message 15: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Thank you


message 16: by Evelynn (new)

Evelynn (authorgirlev) | 806 comments I'm in agreement with Marie Danielle also. :) The poem was so raw and emotional; I was swept away by your word images.


message 17: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Thank you:)


message 18: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Crisp and soft on a midnight day,
Came and left a sunny rain,
hot and cold it fell upon me,
lifting me up on a still summer breeze,
going and staying where I'm at,
the midnight day came and left.


message 19: by Wordy, Modérateur d'un. (new)

Wordy Nerd (wordynerd) | 1809 comments Mod
Christopher wrote: "Crisp and soft on a midnight day,
Came and left a sunny rain,
hot and cold it fell upon me,
lifting me up on a still summer breeze,
going and staying where I'm at,
the midnight day came and left."




I like!


message 20: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Robin | 15 comments Thanks


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