Week 189 (November 14th-20th) Poems. Topic: A Bottle In My Hand

[[deleted user]]

You have until November 20th to post a poem and November 21-22 we'll vote for which one we thought was best.

Please post directly into the topic and not a link. Please don't use a poem previously used in this group.

Please keep your poem to LESS THAN 3,500 words long.

The topic this week is: A Bottle In My Hand

(I got this idea from M)

The rules are pretty loose. You could write a poem about anything that has to do with the subject. I do not care, but it must relate to the topic somehow.

Have fun!

[M]

Somehow the dark, brooding atmosphere of this poem doesn’t go with Audrey-Hepburn-like ingenue in the photo (possibly my favorite of Alex), though the noirish aspect of it does. The images are as clear as if sketched on a storyboard, and the rhyme is very nice. A passage that stands out for me as particularly vivid is “she walked throughout the cold night / across the stony way . . .”

[Ryan]

Love it, Al! I've missed my weekly dose of brooding darkness. I really like how you've used the rhyme, it adds another element. Beautiful writing.

[Jeff]

"Dear Old Friend"

Caramel nectar glows inside
A bottle in my hand
Hello my dear old friend
Your kiss so sweet, it warms my core
Lover, melt my soul
Caress me like a summer breeze
As always, drain away my fears

But somehow bittersweet
My endless sympathizer
Again and again I acquiesce
Face flushed with loyalty

Here we go again old friend
A far cry from what I dreamed
Your handshake grips, a vice so tight
Could we meet some other time?
You’re right, no, nevermind
Though cold the darkness grows

[Shayma]

Say yes

I walk staring
Gazing at the skies
I stare laughing
Smiling at your face
I run hard
And fall in your arms
Your eyes twinkle
And sparkle in my heart
My throat tightens
Saying I love you
The world jumps
My heart skips
A bottle in my hand
The ring in the other
The dirt on my knees
Our future in your hands
It all takes one word
One step to go forward

[Shayma]

Al: your poem was truly great, creeped me out but that's what I loved about it most I love creepy things so that was cool.
Jeff:I really liked yours as we'll very nice. I liked the part where u wrote "but somehow bittersweet my endless sympathizer"

[Greg]

The One

She pulled at the wrinkles
The ones by her eyes
She looked away, turned back
They had become harder to hide

First talent
Then beauty
Then make-up
Then surgery
Then the calls stop

She looked away again
Turned the dial up on the radio
Listened to her own voice
that had not much changed
over the years

The question came quick, harsh
Just after her greatest triumph
They asked where is she now?
I’m here, right here.
She pushed one tear, another
then another and another away

She pushed the mirror back, hard
She turned again as it reverberated
against the wall
A chill ran down her spine
She moved quickly down the stairs
Almost, then fully running

She grabbed a bottle from the table
Continued briskly out the back door
The chills had gone, and the sun warmed
She looked up, let it cover her face
She smiled and opened her eyes
She looked ahead
To the waves crashing against the cliff
Not everything had been taken from her

She slowed, walked, took a drink
The bottle shone bright in her hand
The rocks came into view
She jumped from the land

[Jeff]

Alex, I really liked the macabre feel of your poem. Splayed is a greag word. Shayma, really cool idea to look at the bottle as a symbol of celebration. Greg, really cool stanzas. I also liked how the bottle came into play at the end.

[Mandy]

A bottle in my hand
No lover at my side
I sit in the sand
And say goodbye to the tide

I could pour it out
But drink it instead
That last final shout
Still echos in my head

I drink down the liquer
Until it's all gone
To numb the pain quicker
As I wait for the dawn

Our course we did not metion
I will not be found
He had lost attention
While our ship ran aground

He was tossed over the side
And lost to the sea
Apparently he lied
When he said he'd never leave me

My hope at a loss
I slip the note down inside
Give them both a good toss
And say goodbye to the tide

[Ryan]

Jeff, clever, descriptive writing. I like the way you've developed the initial excitement and anticipation of a drink into its dark, destructive conclusion. My favorite lines, 'Here we go again old friend/A far cry from what I dreamed'. Nicely done.

[Ryan]

Shayma, what a lovely job you've done of capturing the excitement! anticipation and sheer terror of a proposal. I really like your three final lines - 'Our future in your hands/It all takes one word/One step to go forward'. You managed to make me relive that moment of absolute panic when I could see two very different futures stretching out in front of me. Love it!

[Ryan]

Greg, what a tragic tale. I like the viewpoint you've used to make it seem more of an observation of how things are rather than being overly-sentimental. It adds a real chill to your words. Your lines, 'Just after her greatest triumph/They asked where is she now/I'm here, right here', had a huge impact on me when I read them. Very powerful.

[Ryan]

Mandy, hi! Welcome to the thread. I really enjoyed your poem. When I started reading, I thought it was the story of an alcoholic. I love the twist and what it developed into. You've done a top job of the rhyme, it flows easily and naturally and doesn't feel forced in the slightest. The repetition of 'And say goodbye to the tide' in your first and last stanzas is excellent and conveys the transition so well. Thanks for contributing to the thread.

[Ryan]

On Sorrento Sands

Glass, old and rheumy, like a mariner's sea-worn eyes.
Paper, yellowed and brittle from many long years inside.
A scrawl of swirls like deep seashells, from times and lands unknown.
Writ by a hand bleached clean by salt, down by Neptune's throne:

Katherine, my love, to cold embrace,
this ocean calls me now. To frigid sleep
in chambers deep, I soon will ferry down.
My ship is stilled, yours must sail on
to daybreak, happiness and wonders beyond.
My love for you, with final breath,
shall endure, I swear, through life and past death.

A pale sun rising on Sorrento sands, warms my beach-combing toes.
I return the bottle to hungry waves, with a prayer to guide it home.

~ R ~

any critique welcome

[Ryan]

Polls will be going up in a few hours. Last chance if anyone still has an entry to post!

[Jeff]

"Writ by a hand bleached clean from salt, down by Neptune's throne"
What a cool line Ryan. So authentic. Do you live by the sea? Great poem.

[Ryan]

Thanks, Jeff. I really appreciate it. Sadly, no longer. I grew up by the sea and miss it greatly.

[Ryan]

Hear ye, bold pirates! The sun has set on Week 189 - A Bottle In My Hand. Please grab a pint of rum and head to the polls to vote.

Poetry Poll - here

Story Poll - here

[Ryan]

Results for Week 189 - A Bottle In My Hand:

1st place: Ryan
2nd place: Mandy / Al
3rd place: Shayma / Greg
4th place: Jeff

Thank you to everyone who entered and to all those who voted.

[Ryan]

Thank you, Cap'n.

[[deleted user]]

Congratulations, Ryan!

[Ryan]

Thank you, Leslie :)