UK Amazon Kindle Forum discussion
Past group quizzes/comps
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Writing Contest #19 - Entries
The 23rd Annual 'Is Reading Better Than Sex?' Conference“Now, without further ado, our ‘Is reading better than sex?’ conference continues.” The authority the speaker held over the audience was almost entirely down to the severe-looking spectacles on the tip of her nose.
She pressed her presentation clicker and curtains rose to reveal two sound-proof translucent glass booths. “Here, we have two carefully controlled environments. They are identical in every way. Lighting, temperature, and wall colour amongst other factors have been taken into account. The only difference is, Booth A contains a table, chair and an eReader, whereas Booth B contains a bed and a packet of condoms.” The audience clapped vigorously.
After the experiment, the attendees debated the question until dinner, at which point, still an answer had not been reached.
It was left to Magda, the venue’s cleaner, to have the final say. That night, when everyone was in bed, she worked tirelessly to tidy the conference hall. In the reading booth, she spent a couple of seconds pushing the chair under the table. She left the intercourse booth after half an hour, holding sheets at arm’s length and dragging a soiled mop behind her.
“Yes. It is,” she said firmly as she switched out the lights.
Burn After ReadingI lost my cherry in Reading. Or somewhere between Reading and Swindon, in the Looe on the 17.25. My suitor Riponed out my heart and flushed it away, (I do hope the train wasn’t standing at a station as the sign above the toilet Devizes) when he alighted at Swindon. Leaving me to redress my Bristols before Crawleying off at Temple Meads, offering up less a prayer and more a series of curses to the Newhavens. My cherry red lips were smudged, but even their hue was eclipsed by the shame I could feel Welwyn up in my cheeks. I was Bracknelled with Guilford for giving up my Virgin Trains so Hastingsly. They say you never forget your First Great Weston Super Mare. The conductor had earlier clipped my ticket and I had retained it as a memento. And yet the first thing I did on ateignmouthing my friend’s house was,while she put the Kettering on, to go out into the Shepshed on the pretence of having a smoke, but actually Settling fire to my underWare. Burnley after Reading indeed.
A Silent ProtestTonight is like most nights. I’m always in bed first. I smile at her lovingly when she gets in.
If she doesn’t push me away when I stroke her flannel pyjamas, I continue the seduction and rub my foot against hers. I even cut my toenails for her tonight. I thought I’d make the effort for our anniversary.
In our silent bedroom I’m sure I can hear her heart beating louder, her breathing getting faster. Her skin definitely feels warmer – what bit I can find. Hungry with desire, she slips off her fleece bed jacket and lets it fall to the floor. Then it’s back to the job in hand – so to speak. She knows what she wants and how to get it. I tremble as she licks her fingers and lowers them to where they’re needed.
She turns the page.
With insatiable curiosity she devours paragraphs, tearing through chapters instead of ripping off my underpants. Damn those ‘whodunnit’ novels! No one’s dunnit in this house for weeks.
Unbelievable! She’s staying up to finish the flamin’ book! I turn my back on her and pass a silent comment. With one waft of the duvet, she’s soon screaming my name.
How do I love thee?Let me count the ways... Sitting on the shelf, cover all lustrous and tempting, tantalising me. From the first I knew that we'd end up together. Friends had said we'd get on and I knew you were just my type. But ahh! the crack of your spine when you opened up that first time, the perfume of your pristine pages a papery delight, promising so much as I buried my face into you. Slipping you out of your dust jacket so slowly and then oh the tantalising glimpses as I rippled your leaves...
The hours we spent together, as a fever to explore your pages inhabited every part of me. You took me on the ride of my life, continually taking me to the edge and leaving me needing more. Licking my fingers as I frantically pursued your words from page to page until we neared the culmination and I finally truly understood you.
But times change and you became old. Crinkled and yellow, your scent now musty and dry. Now, the thrill from my new partner, as I sneak a look at the coquettish glow from the little orange light as we charge ourselves up for another session. The possibilities are endless...
A French LetterPierre, My Dear Old Friend
In your letter that I received today you ask: ‘Is reading better than sex?’ I’m sure you know the answer.
As I’ve mentioned, physical limitations have been denying me the pleasure of one of those activities – how I’ve missed it! For more than sixty years it has roused my passions, stirred my emotions.
My heart has both soared like a May lark and been shattered like a plate at a Greek wedding. Obsessed with my latest delight, my mind in turmoil, I have been racked with anxiety over whether the adventure would end in wild exhilaration or unsatisfying disappointment. Desperate days have passed filled with longing for that moment when I could take my treasure to bed, run my hands over the smooth contours before plunging in, until very, very reluctantly I have turned out the light at the request of my partner.
Fortunately, my new reading glasses arrived this morning so all of the above pleasures can be resumed.
But to answer your question, of course it isn’t, you daft bugger!
With kindest regards
Your old friend.
PS – perhaps there could be more sex on my bookshelves, but I fear I’d keep falling off.
Lola (to be sung in the style of Manilow).Her name is Lola, Lola Bido,
An old girl who once stripped in Glasgow.
No longer likes sex, prefers her reading,
Those smart crafted lines send her reeling.
She eats merengue, and drinks her char char,
While her man dry drinks the bar, she reads more and more,
On her Kobo. Kobo-can-ban-her.
This e-reading fashion is feeding her passion.
With her Kobo, she fell in love.
Kobo-can-ban-her.
Yes the Kobo, it banned some titles,
The titles that tickled her vitals.
And now Lola, is frustrated.
If only her Tony had waited.
But he went too far, had the barmaid on the bar.
Now there’s no sex at all, and our Lola starts to bawl,
At her Kobo. Kobo-can-ban-her.
This e-reading fashion’s not feeding her passion.
Not on her Kobo. It’s so unfair.
Kobo-can-ban-her….
So then Lola, she went dancing,
Found a man, and did some romancing.
But there’s no satisfaction in penetrative action, not for Lola.
She’s not in love.
Kobo-can-ban-her….
She is still uptight, but now gets all the smut she needs on her Kindle paper white.
She’s got titles galore.
She reads from 8 till 4.
She’s alone, but she has her reading.
Who could ask for more!
I'll sort the poll after dinner. :)
I've not even got time to read them at the moment; It will have to wait until I finish work.
Difficult, but I've narrowed it down to three.
Oh and it's a three way at the moment.
I've voted - but it was really Hard! ;)
The poll may be up but I am struggling with 3 entries! I'll withdraw for a time and consider my options!
Are we all pondering over the same three, and is it the same three that are momentarily tying?
Congratulations to our hard core who were stimulated enough to rise to the challenge.(And that's my last weak joke on the subject)
If someone rubs you up the wrong way,you may change your mind :D
That's an impressively silly selection. It's going to take me a while to choose!Cheers
MTM
First I've seen.Says how good they all are, eh?
Goinna have to read them all again - except the one I wrote! ;)
Goinna?Your nose still all stuffy, Iggy?
Two way tie for first now.Five in second place.
Tight race this!
Mark me down as strange, I found it very easy to vote for just one.
Well done though to everyone who made the time to participate.
Well done though to everyone who made the time to participate.
53 people have looked at this thread!OIY people! Don't just lookie loo!
VOTE!!!
I found the orgy that was occurring earlier more interesting.
Patti (baconater) wrote: "I found the orgy that was occurring earlier more interesting."You would.
More than three requires a queue! (possibly four).
You put some thought into the logistics, haven't you Davey boy?
Erm.... It always pays to do the necessary research, so that one is prepared for any occasion.
Patti (baconater) wrote: "53 people have looked at this thread!OIY people! Don't just lookie loo!
VOTE!!!"
They're all havering, like I am.
I still can't decide which entry I like best. I'm hoping it will suddenly come to me.
Was that pun intentional, Nicola.Got many people in a muddle this comp.
Thanks for doing the poll Patti. I have had trouble getting to a real computer this week.
No worries Simon. You can repay me with steak and champagne.
Chocolate fudge cake would be better than caviar.
Patti (baconater) wrote: "Chocolate fudge cake would be better than caviar."Not had caviar but I don't like the idea of it so you may well be right.
caviar is okay as long as you like the taste of semen.i probably shouldn't hit post now.
Patti (baconater) wrote: "caviar is okay as long as you like the taste of semen.i probably shouldn't hit post now."
Wouldn't know either of those tastes.
Now here’s a poser. Is reading better than sex? I shall treat this scientifically and compare and contrast.
With most activities, the more you do it the better it gets. I’ve been reading since I was 3 years old. That wins on time.
Both can be wildly exciting, stimulating, comforting and if done properly both can give your heart a jolly good work-out.
If you’re totally strapped for cash, one is free, whereas the other can be obtained for very little outlay in charity shops. I bet you’re wondering what charity shops I frequent? I hanker for second hand prose, not second hand pros.
A good book won’t keep you warm on a cold night. However, you need never worry about contraception. You can’t fall pregnant from reading a racy sex scene.
Reading can be very educational. Mind you, so can sex, particularly in the early days when putting into practice those things only read and sniggered about.
Looked at dispassionately – difficult, as I am passionate about both – I can see they are running neck and neck. Reading over one’s lover’s should though, can mean that neither experience is quite as satisfying as it should be.