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Boomerang & DAANCE (Apparently also Daancy) 2.0 #3
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[deleted user]
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Oct 22, 2013 06:28PM
[ Yeah, I think that'll work. It's okay, I'm pretty easy-going, lol. ]
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(Haha, alright. I'll just go ahead and post, then. X))Xavier
Blood, blood, blood. So much blood, so much pain. Can't breathe, can't breathe! The thick, red liquid is thick in my lungs, and I cough and hack and gag, but none of it comes up, none of it leaves. I'm thrashing about, suffocating on my own life, while the Arabic's loom over me with sneers and jeers and laughs. They say something, but my mind is fuzzy, my vision blurry, my hearing all but gone. Except for the ringing. The ringing, ringing, ringing in my ears, always there, never leaving. Driving me insane. I'm not even gasping now, not enough air in my lungs to do such an action. And then...
And then the hands clasped around my throat are gone, vanished, poof, and I can breathe again, coughing and coughing and coughing, staining the damp stone red. Everywhere, there was red: on my ragged clothing, on my scarred flesh, on the decaying bodies that used to be alive. For weeks, I have been the last one standing. The last one alive. The last one still suffering. Arabics laugh and jeer as what seemed like a thousand knives pierced and sliced through soft flesh, and I writhed on the stone floor in agony, screaming, screaming, screaming...
My eyes fly open with a gasp, and I am suddenly staring up at a ceiling-or is it two? Stone to wood to stone again, closer then farther away then closer. Is it a wood floor that I'm writhing on, or stone? Is that sweet dripping down my cold body, or blood? Red. All I can see is red. Up and down, left and right, red, red, red. Where are the Arabic's? Where's Dom? Did I even make it home? Am I even still alive? I roll over onto my hands and knees and lurch to my feet, not getting very far before I sagged against the wall, clutching my hands to my ears as I heard terrible, terrible laughter, and the most horrible, agonizing screams that I have ever heard...
[ Wait, is this in the past or present? :o ]
(Aw, crap. Sorry. ^ ^' The first paragraph is in the past, the second one is in the present. Forgot to add at the end of the first paragraph. :/)
[ No worries, I was just a little confuzzled, haha. ^^ ]
(Yeah, sorry about that. ^ ^')
Dominique Blair Sanchez: I think it's time that a little change of habit in the household. Maybe, maybe in order for Xavier to start getting better, is to keep his mind off of everything. Which is why I have in mind to set up this dinner. Candles and everything. I bought this tasty red wine and I'm thinking I'll make something revolving around pasta. But not just any kind of pasta, the one I have in my mind is going to be so good. I just know it.
With a giddy, excited feeling in me, I pulled up in the driveway and parked the car where we always parked it. I got out after I'd turned the vehicle off and went around to the back doors to grab some of the grocery bags. After that I moved to the trunk and caught with my other hand some shopping bags; new clothes never hurt anyone, right? Somehow, I managed to shut the trunk with the edge of m elbow ( because my hands were full ) and I made my way to the front door.
With a soft groan, I looked down at the door knob in slight irritation but decided against ringing the doorbell. Instead, I kicked at the door gently, in case Xavier happened to be nearby and would know it's me.
But then I quickly resorted to simply dropping a few bags, opening the door and walking in.
I froze when I saw the scene in the hallway.
There was a picture frame on the ground, the glass shattered but even worse, Xavier having some sort of breakdown. How stupid had I been to leave him alone? Oh, God. "Xavier," I called out, not bothering to take my shoes off as I made my way over to him, practically running. With wide eyes, I dropped my bags when I saw just how bad he looked. I completely ignored the shattering of the bottle of wine. It didn't matter. "Xavier." I repeated, practically running over to him by now, holding one of my hands out in order to catch myself on the wall so I didn't run right into him.
XavierI wasn't aware that Dom-though I was still having my doubts of actually being here-had come home, nor was I aware of when he walked through the door and saw me. I was, however, aware of a shattering sound that went through me like a gun shot, and my head snapped over in that direction, eyes widening in terror as I saw red. More red, slowly seeping across the floor towards me, following a figure that was quickly looming before me with a hand outstretched. I didn't stop to think who it was, an Arabc or Dom, I just acted out of terror.
Letting out a small shout, I took a step back, my heart pounding in my chest as I struck out against my supposed attacker, my fist connecting with a hard jaw, hard enough to send the other person tumbling to the floor. But after a few moments, as the stinging in my hand began to clear my head, I looked down to the form on the ground, in the middle of a pile of broken glass. My eyes widened in horror as I saw the figure, saw who it was, and what I had done.
It was no Arabic.
It was...Dom.
My...Dom...
Dominique Blair Sanchez: I had just been about to reach Xavier. So close. Yet in an instant I had completely missed, I felt an immense pressure against my jaw and within a moment, I was hard on the ground. It took a few seconds for the pain to kick but when it did, it hurt. Had I hit the wall? With dizzy eyes, I looked around and when I spotted Xavier standing, my blood froze.
The look in his eyes said it all. At that, my own eyes widened and for a brief moment, I was scared. I don't know of what, but I was. What had taken over my Xavier? This...the moment hit me all at once and this time, I could clearly recall the look on his face and the swing of his arm. All of what I needed to confirm my deepest fears. One of my hands was already pressed against my jaw as the pain throbbed into my left ear as well because it was all connected.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him and in my mouth, I could already taste the blood. Just like that, I burst into tears. Partly because of the pain but for the most part because I knew that this wasn't okay. None of it. I tried to open my mouth but yet another round of pain struck me.
This wasn't Xavier.
Who...who was this man?
XavierDom. Dom. It had been Dom. I had struck out at Dom. I had hurt my Dom.
Over and over and over and over, that one thought, phrased so many different ways but meaning the same thing, raced around and around my head, keeping in time with my racing heart. How could I? How could I have ever mistook Dom for a monster?
The only monster here was me.
When Dom burst into tears, my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces, and I choked back a sob myself, taking a step closer to him with a hand outstretched, wanting to do anything-anything-to comfort him. "Dom..."
But quickly realizing that I was reaching for him with the very hand that had struck him, I snatched it back, curling it into a shaky fist and bringing it up to my mouth, biting my index finger so hard that I almost broke skin.
I took a step back, going numb when the realization of the situation hit me all over again, causing fresh horror blossom inside of my chest. "Dom...Dom, I-" I broke off, not recognizing the broken, dead sound that crawled it's way out of my throat and into open air. I swallowed hard, taking another step back, then another. "I'm sorry...." I whispered hoarsely, choking back a sob. "I'm sorry..." Unable to stand for the horrible, unforgivable thing I had done, I raced past Dom, ignoring the biting pain as glass sliced into bare feet as I bolted out of the front door, ignoring shoes, ignoring the physical pain, just running and running and running, needing to get away from Dom.
Needing to put distance between him and the monster.
Dominique Blair Sanchez: When had I missed the moment where I saw the potential of this happening? Back at the car just a few days ago? No. That couldn't have been it. Where had everything gone wrong? What had caused him to feel the need to throw his fist? Had he been seeing things? Had I...had I been a part of his illusion? Had I reminded him of one of them killers that hurt him?
When I saw him begin to take steps back, I didn't do nothing. I didn't try to call out for him. I didn't reach out for him or cry even more because I knew exactly what he was doing.
When he apologized, I continued to sob, any and all frustrations or worries I'd been holding in simply came tumbling out and I couldn't stop.
I wondered why I didn't try to keep him in this household. I didn't know why I couldn't get myself to stand up, reach out for him and tell him that everything was alright, like I usually did.
And I think, despite everything I'd promised myself I wouldn't do and despite all of the unconditional love I'd feel for Xavier, I couldn't be sure of anything. I wasn't sure of anything but one thing.
That for once, for the very first time since Xavier had come back...things were not okay.
XavierWhat had I done? What had I done? What had I done? I couldn't believe that I had struck out at Dom, that I had hurt the most important person in my life. I had been so afraid of this very thing happening, yet it had still happened. It had happened and Dom hates me now and I hate myself even more and...and...
And I suddenly find myself leaning against a familiar door, pressing my thumb over and over against the doorbell, hoping that he was home. I don't know how long I ran for, or how I ended up here. But somehow, leaving bloody footprints in my wake, I found myself on the very doorstep of Sergeant Phillips.
Sgt. William Phillips: Flip. Flip. Flip. Damn fucking television, never have any good shows on anymore. I brought the glass off scotch to my mouth and shot the rest down, allowing the burning sensation to render my throat raw. This stuff was starting to grow old. I needed better alcohol. I needed a faster way out of this hellhole that was myself and my mind. Every fucking pill I was given were assured that I could take as many as I'd pleased and not die from them.[ Welcome to Phillips' hell away from hell. xD By the way, he's, like, 49 years old. ]
No one ever took away my guns though. No one would dare. There was always the possibility of just taking a revolver and putting a bullet in my head. Funny how I think this every fucking day and yet, here I am. Miserable and alone.
When the I head the doorbell being run, I cursed under my breath and ignored it. But then it happened again. And again. And again and again and -- "I'm coming!" I shouted, the walls of this small home shaking beneath my voice. Frowning, I got on my feet and got to the door where I took a good minute to unlock all seven locks on the door. There was a gun pocket stapled on my side of the door that held a pistol powerful enough to blow someone's brains out.
God knew what kind of freaks roamed the streets. Tentatively, because I never got visitors, I opened the door with one hand as the other one rested on the pistol. I had to blink when I saw who it was.
"Xavier?" I asked tentatively, making sure he wasn't holding any weapons before I allowed myself to let go of the gun and opened the door a little wider. "What the hell are you doing on my porch?" Immediately, I saw the blood and I stiffened a little. "Git'n here before you get an infection." I told him, not expecting a no as I opened the door wide enough so he could fit.
(Haha, I feel for him so much. XP And that's what I kind of figured how old he was. ^ ^)Xavier
I didn't hear him shout that he was coming, or hear the many locks become unlocked; I kept ringing the doorbell as if my life depended on it. Well, maybe my life didn't, but my very sanity did.
When Phillips finally opened the door, I looked up, ringing the doorbell once more before finally removing my thumb from the button. His gruff words were garbled in my ears, and I only caught bits and pieces. But then he was suddenly opening the door, inviting me in, and I just stared at him, not fully comprehending what he was asking me. I was distraught, lost, confused, and I was sure that I looked like a desperate man looking for a way out of his hell. I looked at Phillips for a few more moments, before I finally realized that words had been tumbling out like a waterfall. "...I hurt him. I hurt him and he hates me and I left him crying and I don't know what to do because I'm afraid of hurting him again and I don't know what happened. I don't know how it happened." My words were desperate and terrified, cracking on every other word, and the pressure kept building and building, making my voice tremble and thicken, the words becoming harder and harder to understand. Especially when my breathing turned into ragged gasping as I fought back the shuddering sobs that threatened to overtake me and leave me in a crumpled, broken heap.
Exactly how I felt on the inside.
[ Haha glad you like him ^^ Sorry if this one's choppy, I had to do it in parts since I was on my phone/school. ]
Sgt. William Phillips: I stared hard at Xavier as his babbled words struggled to make sense. Who was him? Who had he hurt? It took me a second to make the connections and I felt my jaw clench painfully. He hadn't... No. I cursed under my breath when I realized that I was a little drunk to be handling this sort of situation. "Calm down, soldier." I told him sternly, squaring my shoulders. "Get your act together." I snapped, knowing that if he couldn't get himself together then I'd never be able to get anything through to him.
Did I care that he was having a mental breakdown? Of course I did. Was I about to hug him and baby him? Fuck no. He was strong and had kept it together all these months, he was capable of less pressure for a few hours. I looked around outside and then reached out and grabbed Xavier's shoulder firmly and physically pulled him into the house before I slammed it shut and quickly did up all the locks before I turned back to Xavier and his foot. "Now, are you aware you're bleeding?" One issue at a time.
(Haha, it's fine. ^ ^)Xavier
I blinked at Phillips when he told me to get it together, but before I could respond, he was already pulling me inside and locking the door behind him. When he asked if I was aware that I was bleeding, I looked down in numb bewilderment to see splotches of blood here and there. I had been aware that there had been blood coming from somewhere-there was always blood. Always red. Always, always always.
My mouth went a little dry, and I looked up at Phillips blankly. "...I don't care..." I rasped quietly, my voice cracking a little. "I don't care about me. I care about him. I care about him, and I hurt him, and...and I just..." I brought my hands up to my face, as if I could hide my shame from Phillips. "How did this happen? How could I do that to him? Him, of all people? I never wanted to hurt him, I never want to hurt him, but I did. I did, I did, I did..." I was vaguely aware that I was talking in circles and rambling, and that I was kind of bleeding on Phillips' floor. But none of that mattered. My whole foot could be gone, leaving a bloody stump behind, and I still wouldn't care. Nothing mattered except for the horrifying fact that I had done the unforgivable.
Sgt. William Phillips: I stayed standing and watched as Xavier didn't listen to my words and simply kept on rambling. It had progressed faster than I'd anticipated. I was well aware that if Xavier kept on repressing everything that something grave would happen sooner or later. Only, I'd expected it to be later.
"Have a seat." I told him, taking his arm and bringing him to the couch and forcing him to sit down on the cushion. I left him for a few moments and debated giving him a glass of scotch but figured he didn't need to know how good it felt. Unlike me, he still had someone in his life he cared for. So, I poured him a glass of cold water and went back to set it on the coffee table in front of him. I walked to the other side of the couch and under the cushion, I pulled out a first aid kit and went over and sat down on the run down tiled floor. "Alright, Xavier, I want you to tell me exactly what happened. From the very beginning to end." I said, trying to be as calm as I could, despite the pent up fury churning inside of me. I took his foot and looked under, noticing the two shards embedded into his skin.
Out came the tweezers and I without warning of the sudden pain, I pinched the skin on each side of the foot and began teasing the shard out as smoothly as I could.
XavierI was taken a little off guard when Phillips took my arm and led me to the couch. I watched him almost wearily as he bustled about, setting down a glass of water in front of me and pulling out a first aid kit out of supposedly thin air. When he told me to tell him to start from the very beginning, I bit my lip and hesitated, not sure if I wanted to tell him exactly everything. But I did tell him what I thought he needed to know. "Dom-" I broke off with a sharp yelp at the sudden pain that laced up my foot when Phillips apparently started to pull out a shard of glass, but I quickly pushed it to the back of my mind; I'd felt a lot worse.
I started over. "Dom...went to go make a trip to the grocery store..." I murmured, feeling another sharp pain, but this time, it came when I said Dom's name, still feeling extrutiating guilt. But I tried to push past it for now, knowing that I needed to tell Phillips what had happened. "I...remember staying behind because I was starting to feel a migrane coming on..." I murmured quietly, the events leading up to that terrible moment slightly muddy. "I...I don't know what triggered this, maybe it was when I accidently knocked over a picture frame-or was it knocked down after?" I shook my head a little, deciding to worry about that small, insignificant fact later. Or not.
"Anyways...I...started to hallucinate..." I continued quietly. "And...it was the worst hallucination I had experienced yet. It...felt so damn real..." I gave a small shudder, running a hand across my exhausted face. "Dom...Dom must have come home while I was in the middle of a panic attack, trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't. And then there was the sound of glass breaking, and red seeping into the floor, always red...And then...I don't know. I saw a form coming towards me and...and I just reacted, and..." My voice cracked, and I let out a choked sob, burying my face in my hands. "Dom was suddenly lying on the ground, clutching his jaw..." I sobbed. "He was lying there and I had hurt him and I just...I couldn't stand it. I left. I left him there alone, upset, and I...I don't know how but I ended up here, and...and...and I don't know. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I hurt him. It was Dom. I could never hurt Dom. But I did and now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do..."
Sgt. William Phillips: I kept on going with the shards, ignoring Xavier's yelps. The second I had my grasp on the shard with the tweezers, I sucked in a breath and pulled it out as sharply as I could. And just like that, there was shard number one. As for the other one, well, I was going to have to do some digging. But for now, I simply grabbed a bit of gauze, poured peroxide on it and began dabbing the wound. He'd run all the way over here like this, he was bound to be at risk for a lot of infections.
As he went on, I couldn't help but think back to myself, a good ten years ago. So in some way, I could relate.
Situation and everything.
Only, Xavier had a much better heart than I did.
I sighed and rearranged the gauze in order to accept more blood. I had no idea what to say to him, to be honest. So, I just went with the facts.
"It's been how long, Xavier? Six? Eight weeks?" I said, my voice gruff and lacking emotion as it quite often did. "Have you spoken to anyone about these hallucinations? Have you gone back to the therapy? Does anyone know just how bad these get?" I looked up at him and set the gauze down and waited for his answer.
XavierI barely felt it when Phillips yanked the glass shard out, or when he poured peroxide over the wound; I was too numb with emotional pain to care. But at his questions, I removed my hands from my face, glancing down at him with watery eyes. I shook my head quietly after a few moments. "No..." I murmured, voice slightly hoarse. "I...can't. I just...I can't. Everytime I try to, the words catch in my throat, and I flash back and..." I sucked in a deep breath, letting it out heavily. "I'm just...too afraid..." I murmured quietly, my eyes dropping down to my hands in shame. But then I remembered what these hands could do, what they've done, and I quickly glanced away, biting my bottom lip as it began to quiver slightly.
Sgt. William Phillips: At his words, I frowned and out of anger of what the boy was doing to himself, I dug into his skin with the tweezers and immediately found the shard and this time, I fleshed it out as well, a little harder. For the longest time, I stared at the bloody shard with a sort of...nostalgia. I didn't fight anymore whenever I was deported. I worked at the bases and trained recruits. Safe to say, I didn't smell much blood anymore and quite honestly, I missed it.
"You're digging yourself a hole, Xavier." I warned him, dropping the small shard in the palm of my hand and holding it up to my eyes. "Digging yourself a hole you'll never be able to get out of." I inhaled deeply and dropped the shard on the ground.
"And you want to know what happens to those people?" I paused and began applying the gauze again. "It gets worse."
XavierMy eyes widened when Phillips suddenly dug into bloody flesh with his tweasers, and I sucked in a ragged gasp, holding a hand up to my mouth and biting down into the soft flesh, fighting back a small scream of pain. I looked down at Phillips, who was looking at a bloody shard of glass, and I squeezed my eyes shut, both the smell and the sight of blood twisting my stomach into knots. But at his words, I cracked my eyes open, looking down at him in misery. "But how is talking about something I just want to forget going to make things easier?" I asked quietly. "And how could things possibly get worse?"
Sgt. William Phillips: "Because talking let's others bear your pain, Xavier." I snapped, already feeling unrequited frustrations begin to rise as I began wrapping his foot; I never was good with medicinal stuff, he'd just have to get it checked out better by a doctor. I just knew the basic on the field knowledge. Once it was done, I stood up and didn't bother picking things up. "Because if you don't talk about it, it stays in your head." I explained, my eyes dead serious. "And it plays over and over and fucking over! It never fucking stops and you reach...you reach this...this point where you break and that, and that, Xavier, is how it gets worse. And you wind up with people like me." I told him.
"Dom loves you, you know it, I know it, everyone who's seen you two know it. But love doesn't keep people in your life." I told him, shaking my head as I swallowed hard. "It's what drives people away; makes them do things they never thought they'd do." Once again, I paused and looked around, my lips pursed in a thin, white line.
"You're a stubborn one though; the shit I say won't get in your head, follow me." I told him and with that, I began making my way upstairs. To bedroom I haven't slept in over ten years. That, too, was locked.
XavierI stare at Phillips in slight bewilderness as he speaks, and something about his tone, his eyes...It seems familiar, in a way, yet I just can't quite place why. When he tells me to follow him, I am weary, standing as I begin to limp my way after him, the pain in my foot starting to seep through the icy numbness I has been feeling and making my usual limp far more prominent. As I slowly follow Phillips up the stairs, I swallow hard, unable to resist asking the question racing through my mind. "Phillips...What is it that you're...going to show me, exactly?"
Sgt. William Phillips: "Man up, I'm only telling you a story." I tell him as I unlock the lock before letting it drop to the ground. I glanced over at Xavier before I push it open and the phantom smell of soft lavender invaded my nostrils, making me sigh quietly as I stepped in and let Xavier in. It was a simple room with a Queen sized bed, a dresser, a closet. The only odd thing about the seemingly normal room was that there was a dress on the left side of the bed. A pretty blue dress speckled with a white floral pattern. It was splayed out just like that. The bed was made and I made damn sure that this room stayed in top shape.
"This used to be my bedroom." I told him simply, shutting the door gently behind him. "Have a seat on the bed, would you?" I gestured to it and stared at him, willing him to do it.
If his hallucinations had such an effect on him, maybe a little imagery would work best on him.
XavierWhatever I had been expecting, it hadn't been this. Stepping into the room and looking around in puzzlement, I stood there for a few moments, breathing in the faint of lavender and taking in such a...strangely normal sight. I furrowed my brow slightly at the blue dress, wondering why it was laid out like that. I glanced back at Phillips when he said that it used to be his bedroom, my curiousity piqued. "'Used to be'...?" I repeated quietly, wondering why it wasn't now. At Phillips' insistant that I sit on the bed, I hesitate for several moments before carefully making my way over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it as I glanced over at the other man, not knowing what to expect anymore.
Sgt. William Phillips: "Yeah, my bedroom is on the couch." I tell him simply, simply leaning against the dresser as I watched him make his way over to the bed. Accordingly, my side of the bed. Or, well, what used to be of it. I sighed and decided to do the same thing I'd done to another soldier before, only not as bad as this could get.[ It gets better, I promise. Dx Phillips' going to snap soon, lol. ]
"Close your eyes and imagine yourself in Iraq again. Back at the bases." I switched the places up just so Xavier could get a better visual. "Now imagine yourself with a wife back at home and a baby on the way, two months away from having a baby girl." Even though he wasn't hetero, I didn't change that fact for obvious reasons.
"You already know the story of Kennedy, so imagine yourself a week after having killed your own brother with your bare hands. You can't get the feeling of his bones snapping beneath your fingers out of your mind. You remember the popping of his bone, the sound that escaped him right before -- everything. Blood, there's lots and lots of blood. Red. Red everywhere, imagine it, Xavier!" I continued to stay where I was though my fingers were clenched tightly together. I was well aware that blood was one of his triggers, that was a good thing.
"Picture yourself learning the news that you get to leave early because you've got a baby on the way. But then, within the same hour, you're under attack. Bombs, guns, mines, ambushes, everything." I had begun to pace a little, my eyes glued to the ground as the images played back in my mind. One after the other.
We were getting there.
"This shouldn't be too difficult for you, right? You're still with me?" I questioned, temporarily pausing the story. I should have brought the scotch up here.
(Haha, it's fine. The anticipation. XD)Xavier
I gave Phillips a weary look when he told me to close my eyes and imagine myself back in Iraq; I didn'g want to go back there again, even if it was just in my head.
That was the worst time.
But knowing that Phillips would not appreciate me wimping out, I did as I was told, closing my eyes and imagining that I was back in that dry, desert island. The illusion cracked slightly when Phillips told me to imagine myself with a wife and a child on the way, opening my eyes briefly to glance at Phillips with a rather startled look. But I closed my eyes again just as quickly, beginning to feel queasy. And then he mentioned blood. I could imagine it perfectly: red splashed everywhere, the thick, metallic scent taking over every available opportunity to breathe in fresh, dry air, a body lying on the groud with a neck at a funny angle and blood trickling out of the mouth of what used to be a soldier and-
No. No, no, no no no no nononononono. Why was Phillips doing this? I didn't want to see red, didn't want to imagine it. I was just about to tell him to stop stop stop when he moved on, to where he described a battle scene of death and red. I could hear the gun shots ringing so clearly in my ears, feel the ground tremble with the mighty force of inevitable doom, hear the screams of agony and terror of my comrades as they fell, one by one by one by one by-
I opened my eyes suddenly, looking up at a pacing Phillips. I realized then that I was trembling violently, sweat beginning to form at my temple and trickle down the side of my face, my breathing coming in short, panicked gasps. "S-stop..." I begged quietly, not wanting to imagine anymore death. "P...please stop..."
Sgt. William Phillips: I kept on looking back at Xavier every now and again, to make sure that he had his eyes closed. With the way he shook, I knew he had complied. Good. Good, good, good. Though when he opened his eyes, in the heat of my anger, I threw him a glare, ignoring his petty pleadings. "This is what you need." I told him before I went off again, not able to help my arms from mimicking my voice.[ Didn't want to fit the freak out in this post so I'll put it in the next post, haha. c: Shit will hit the fan T.T ]
"After the assault, you find out that you need to leave because the aerial support spotted enemy reinforcements coming to destroy the rest of you. So you run. No time to bring the injured despite their desperate pleadings." Without even noticing, maybe it was because I had been too wrapped in the flashbacks, I'd begun to grow closer to the bed, but on the dress' side. "You have to run and hide. You know that everyone you love and cherish will think you've died. All of this to ensure your family's safety." I paused and took a few moments of silence, hating this part of the story.
"So you're hiding in the plains of the desert. Days, weeks, months go by and food is growing scarce, you're severely hydrated and...and you begin to see things. Things you think are there but aren't." I swallowed and without even knowing, I'd turned my story around. "I...I'd thought that I'd seen Chris with a knife in his hand, as real as reality could possibly imagine it. Not only that, but he had his blade at my throat. I--I swear I still feel the rusty particles dig into my neck. So I did what I had to do to survive. I killed him." I shook my head and ran a frantic hand through my hair. "I killed him minutes before help finally arrived. So...so I took the knife and stabbed myself in order to say that he'd attacked me first." I'd forgotten to mention that we had been the only two left but that small detail slipped my mind.
"So when they came, I was nearly bled out and Chris had a hole in his throat." I kept my voice steady. "I...I kept telling myself over and over again that I'd done it for the baby. I had to stay alive for the baby. The baby and Sylvie." I paced from the bed to the wall and back again, and again.
"When...when I gained consciousness again, I realized that I had been in that damned desert for seventy-six days. Over two months. Back home, my wife was there with my child. My baby girl. So I never said anything. I never told anyone about having killed one of our men. I couldn't afford to be sent to some sort of institute. I'd told him I'd acted out of self-defense, and I had the chest wound to prove it. By then, I'd lost count of home much blood were on my hands. How many bodies I'd seen go down with the help of my gun, I'd lost count because there had been too many." I inhaled deeply and knelt down on the side of the bed, running my fingers over the edge of the dress.
"I was sent home because my injuries hadn't been that bad. They told me that they'd sent a letter to my wife, claiming that I was on my way back home. Later that day, I got the airport and I waited an hour before I realized she wasn't there. So I bused it." I could feel the threat of my voice breaking and I willed it to remain emotionless, without pain but it was growing more and more difficult as everything drew to a close. "I got home and the door was unlocked. There was this...this silence, I can remember it being loud. Agonizing.. It was such a painful silence, I nearly covered my ears. I was on the look out for a baby, a foreign bundle. But I saw none. I called out Sylvie's name..." Right then and there, I heard my tone grow a little more hoarse.
Hang in there.
"She never replied. I got worried and made my way up to the stairs...to our room. Well, this room. And...and I knew that something was wrong." I inhaled shakily and closed my eyes, not trusting my voice. "I...I went to open the door and there she was." My tone kept on fluctuating by now and I wasn't able to keep the pain back, the god awful moment I'd realized everything. "She...she was sleeping." I choked out, my breath growing raspy. "And...and I called her name again, b-but she didn't answer." I cleared my throat, an unfamiliar lump rising in my throat.
Just a little longer.
"I walked up to her bedside...I knelt down...just like this." I murmured quietly and with a shaking hand, I rested it on the pillow, still picturing that ebony hair splayed over the pillow. Without warning, I felt a warm, stinging drop roll down my cheek and I left it on its way.
"S-she was so cold..."
(Lol, that's fine. ^ ^ And yes. Yes it will. Poor Phillips. ; A ;)Xavier
I bit my lip at Phillips' tone, wincing at his anger. But I said nothing, only keeping my eyes open this time and watching in weary silence as he continued to pace, eventually making his way over to the other side of the bed. My stomach churned as his story changed to his perspective, and I listened with slight horror as he explained the hallucinated murder. I blinked, absolutely shocked, when I saw a tear roll down his cheek, and I swallowed hard. My heart ached for him, ached for what he'd been through, what he had lost. And although I had a vague idea of what the answer would be, although a small voice in the back of my mind told me not to push it, I asked the question that had been racing around my head. "And...the baby? What...what happened to her...?
[ Haha, I know :/ ]
Sgt. William Phillips: When Xavier asked what had happened to my baby, my face broke a little. This facade I'd tried to keep for all these years threatened to fade away at the mention of her. Quickly, I got myself back together and and bent my head down, my hand still laying on the pillow. "I don't know." I whispered, hating those foul words. "I...I don't know." I repeated, shaking my head.
"I don't know if I have an eleven year old daughter calling another man daddy or if I have an eleven year old baby six feet under." This notion always made me mad. I'd never met her but she'd had such a large impact on my life. I never would meet her either. I didn't know what she looked like nor would I ever know.
Never. Never. Never.
I stood up and quickly walked to the dresser and stood there for a second. "And you know what I did? Nothing. I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't go to that damned group therapy, I refused to let anyone help me for the sole purpose of guilt and disgust toward myself." I turned to him and kept my eyes on him. "And not too long after, I went right back into Iraq and I changed. Chris wasn't the only victim of my hallucinations. I've held Iraqis hostage, just like they've held you hostage. I put them through the same hell you were put through. I was their worst nightmare." I took a dangerous step toward Xavier, the sudden urge to wrap my hands around his neck. God, it was awful.
"Never once did I fucking utter a word of distress!" I shouted, my fingers clenching into tight fists. "I didn't fucking say anything and you want to know what it did to me?!" I took a step back to the dresser and yanked open the door, only to reveal a series of pills and various drug. I grabbed one of the bottles an held it up. "This...this is to calm me down." With a rather large quantity of strength, I threw the bottle of blue pills against the wall, shattering it. I grabbed another one and did the same. "That's to keep my fucking anger from exploding!" Another one. "This is so I don't hear the fucking voices in my head that tell me I should kill all of you!" I didn't even have the read the labels to know which they were. "This is to keep me awake because of all the drugs I have to take!" And i kept on going, smashing one bottle after the other. "This one are to keep the nightmares from becoming a reality! Let's not forget the good 'ol anti-depressants! This pill is supposed to keep me happy and rejuvenated! And this...this is a fucking test pill they're trying out to see if it'll make me better!" I stopped naming them and simply took a step back and pulled the whole dresser down.
By now I was taking deep breaths, trying to maintain with the monster inside of me. I made my way over to Xavier and pointed a finger in his face, my eyes black instead of their dark hazelnut. "I beat Sylvie. I beat her until she couldn't stand once." I hissed, unflinching. "And you know what she said? I'm sorry." My voice held a terrible throb of pain despite my stern glare. "She said that she loved me and even though I'd just laid my hands on her, she held me and told me that I'd get better." I scoffed and glanced back at the dress. "She killed herself, Xavier. She killed herself and now she's gone." I paused and said what I hoped would induce some fear. "And if you don't fucking get your act together, I swear to God you'll end up alone like me. Who knows, maybe Dom will follow the same fate Sylvie took." I threatened darkly.
"Love drives people away, Xavier, don't you dare forget that. It makes people do the unthinkable. You're afraid of opening up? If you're afraid of that, you better get the hell out of my house because this is where the monster lives and if you're not afraid of being in this room with me, you can do anything." I paused and took a step back, running a hand over my face.
"Please, please don't do this to yourself." I pleaded quietly, stumbling back as the alcohol got to my head, giving me a painful headache due to all of this. "Don't end up like me. Don't make Dom have to leave you. Don't...Stop ruining your life. It happened. You were kidnapped, learn from it instead of fucking pitying yourself."
XavierI looked down at Phillips reply, feeling my heart ache for him that much more. But things got scary when he stood and walked over to his dresser. I leaned away from him when he took a step towards me, and for a moment, I didn't know what he was going to do. His words made my skin crawl, my blood freeze in my veins, and I just wanted to bolt out of that room and out of this wretched house.
I felt a lump in my throat when Phillips pulled open a drawer and started smashing pill bottles against the wall. I jumped and squeezed my eyes shut as the dresser came crashing to the floor, and I opened my eyes to the sight of the other man pointing a finger at me. When he said that Dom might follow in Sylvie's footsteps...No. That wasn't going to happen. That couldn't happen. If I lost Dom, especially in such a way...It made bile rise in my throat and my heart clench in fear.
But even though Phillips was scaring me, even though I wanted nothing more than to make a run for it, I stayed, listening to his words. After several moments of silence, I finally spoke. "I...I'm hearing you..." I murmured quietly, not able to look at him. "Really, I am. But...what if speaking up doesn't help? What if...what if I end up losing Dom either way?" I trained my gaze on my hands, feeling ashamed. "I want help, I do. And I know...I know that maybe I'm being selfish, and I know for a fact that I'm hurting him. But what if it's no use to talk about it? What if it's too much for Dom?" I finally looked up at Phillips, feeling weary, really not wanting to set him off again. But I decided to finish what I started. "What if it's already too late...?"
Sgt. William Phillips: I sighed and rocked back on my heels and tugged at my hair, relying on the pill to work against my trichotillomania. Nonetheless, I still felt the need to pluck every single hair out of my head at this very moment. I took a deep breath and tried to keep my thoughts from scattering and messing up my priorities. I looked down at Xavier and remained silent for a very long while before I opened my mouth again. "But what if it does help?" I retorted back. "Being negative will just make things worse and cause the nightmares to grow in number." I blinked calmly, waiting yet another few moments before resuming. "If you play your cards right, everything will work out in the end, Xavier, you've just got to have faith." I chuckled humorlessly and shrugged. "Hell, I'm way too deep in shit and even though I'm obligated to visit a psychiatrist three times a week, it's not so bad once you realize that they're there for the sole purpose of helping you. I mean...they...they're not the ones with fucked up ideas in their heads. Those...they're the good guys, Xavier, trust me on that." I nodded my head and looked down at the dresser.
Sad how I hardly remembered doing that even though I knew it'd happened just over two minutes ago. I wasn't kidding when I said my anger was its own person.
"You're a grown man, Xavier, a grown man with a lot of weight on his shoulders, it's now or never. But you wait longer and it will be too late." I nodded my head and rubbed my hands together. "It's not too late."
XavierAt Phillips words, it was like a veil had been lifted; if I want to get better, I had to man-up and do it. I had to open my mouth. I was silent for several moments before nodding, standing. "I understand..." I murmured quietly. "I finally understand what I need to do." I took a deep breath. All I wanted to do right now was go back home, find Dom, and pull him into my arms, show him how sorry I was. But at the thought of Dom, my heart plummeted again, my shoulders sagging. "What...what if Dom doesn't forgive me for what I did?" I asked quietly, my doubt creeping in again. "I want to go back home, back to Dom...But what if there's a chance that I'll hurt him again?" I asked, looking at Phillips, in need of something-anything-to work with.
Sgt. William Phillips: When Xavier spoke those words, an immense wave of relief flooded through me. In some way, I felt as if this was a way of fixing a mistake I had done. Was that even possible? Nonetheless, I gave a nod and rubbed the back of my neck as he mentioned Dom.
That, I wasn't so sure about and only knew one thing to do. "I can't promise you anything." I began slowly, picking my words. "The most I can do for you at this point about that is...if you ever feel like that, I've got a spare bedroom if ever you're scared of hurting Dom." I told him, shrugging simply.
"Tell him the truth, that's the best I've got for you, Xavier." I was being honest, though I was pretty sure that the incident wouldn't occur again. I'd bet my life on that thought.
"There's no pressure to go just yet, stay the night if you want, think it over. Do whatever feels right." And with that, I made my way over to the door and opened it slowly. "But, this room is and always will be off limits to you from now on, so I'm going to have to ask you to do your decision making in another room." At that, I attempted a small smile but it felt sort of sad. Or was that just me?
XavierI swallowed hard when Phillips said that I could stay the night, really just wanting so desperately to go back to Dom. But he as right; I should give him some space, think things over, about what to say, how to explain. How to apologize.
So I gave a small nod. "I...just might do that..." I murmured quietly as Phillips headed towards the door, and I soon followed behind him, glancing one more time around the room. I knew that I would never again step foot inside, both because I wanted to respect Phillips' wishes, and also because the room unsettled me, holding too many painful memories. On my out, I glanced over at Phillips, giving a small nod of my head. "And Phillips?" I murmued quietly, meeting his gaze steadily. "Thank you. It must have been...hard. To tell me all of this. To make me realize the hard way what dark path I was wondering down. So...Thanks." And with that, I returned his small smile with one of my own before finally slipping out of the room and down the stairs, desperate to leave behind the painful ghosts of the past.
Sgt. William Phillips: "As long as you don't tell anyone, I'll pretend this never happened." Was my only answer to his thanks as he stepped out. I shut the door quietly and picked the lock up off the ground before I locked it back up and slowly made my way down the stairs as well.
"You might want to get your foot checked out better, too. I've never been good with all that crap. You're lucky I didn't chop it off." I mumbled, only joking but my tone didn't let out any teasing or anything, it sounded serious.
I chuckled quietly to myself and walked back in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of whiskey before I walked in the living room and crashed on the couch. "This is more of a hideout than a home, forgive the lack of coziness." The house was pretty plain, having been rid of all the picture frames. I was much too hesitant to put them back up. Hell, I even had my wedding band resting against my chest, looped in a chain.
XavierI glanced back at the other man with a small frown at his words about chopping off my foot, and by God, I had no idea about whether or not he was serious. Deciding to not worry about that particular thought for now, I gave a small nod. "Don't worry, I will." I murmured as I limped my way over to one of the chairs, sinking down into it. A fleeting thought about how Dom would make sure that I saw a doctor passed through my thoughts, but I pushed it roughly aside, the thoughts of my lover senting a sharp pang right through me. And yet, I couldn't help but wonder how he was doing, how he was feeling, if he was still upset, if he was still alone, or if he had called someone.
If if if.
God, I couldn't wait to see him. I so desperately wanted to see him.
I glanced over at Phillips as the other man flopped down onto the couch, and I shook my head at his words. "It's fine..." I murmured quietly, glancing around at the impersonalized house. "I'd be pretty bold to critique your living styles right now..."
Sgt. William Phillips: I was about to take another sip of my whiskey when I realized that I had already drank it all. Bummer. I sighed and set the glass down, unsatisfied.
When he mentioned not critiquing my lifestyle at his moment, I only chuckled and leaned my head back. "Home is with the recruits, if I'm being honest." I admitted, shrugging. "I enjoy giving discipline and watching the soldiers grow into men and women and not boys and girls." I sighed and ran both of my hands over my face.
Assuming the thoughts that plagued, Xavier, I tried again. "If you're worried about Dom, you know he likes flowers." I suggested tentatively. "What worked with Sylvie a lot of the time, I just told her how much I loved her and that with time, I'd show her how worthy I was of being by her side." I smiled, a wave of nostalgia seeping through me. "And I'd pull her in and we'd dance." I stared at the empty glass and nodded my head.
"I don't think Dom's going to hate you, Xavier. He's not that kind of person."
XavierI studied Phillips when he mentioned where home really was, and I couldn't help but wonder how he could stand disciplining people who might very well wind up dead all too soon.
Pushing that thought to the back of my head, I only nodded, glancing down at my hands. When the older man mentioned Dom, I frowned a little, a lump forming in my throat. "I...I know..." I murmured quietly, mouth dry and my voice suddenly hoarse. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I know." I repeated quietly. "Dom is the most loving, compassionate man that I have ever met. So him hating me isn't what scares me." My eye flickered up at the other man briefly before flickering away again. "I...I'm terrified that he's going to fear me..." I admitted quietly, voice trembling ever so slightly. "You should have seen his face afterwards, Phillips. He looked at me as if he didn't know who was in front of him anymore. He looked....scared. If Dom starts to become afraid of being around me, I..." I took in a shuddering breath, hiding my face in my hands. "I don't know what I'd do..."
Sgt. William Phillips: His reasoning made perfect sense. I only glanced at Xavier when his face was hiding behind his hands. I heaved a loud sigh, thinking of what to say to that. "I don't know, Xavier." I admitted truthfully, biting the inside of my cheek with reason.
"There's only one way to find out, soldier." I muttered, shrugging. It's not like I had all the answers, right? I mean, the words that wanted to escape me sounded a bit too rude for this certain situation. Briefly, Dom needed to grow a pair and Xavier needed to stop being a wimp. Somehow, I didn't think that would settle really well with either of them. So I'd let them figure it out, I was long done with relationships. Done, done, done. Nothing but trouble and everything was about risks. Not only that, but I'd once vowed to only get married once, and I was now a widow. I planned on remaining celibate until the rest of my days.
"I just know that it's not the end of you two, and that's what you should work with. I'm fairly certain it won't happen again and you two can just learn something from it. Be it that he stays a few feet away when you're having your moments or you start going to that therapy or go talk to someone privately." I looked back at him, studying him intently.
XavierI glanced up from my hands at Phillips at the older man's words, feeling a small pang. There was still that worry, that needling doubt, that fear...But if Phillips had faith in us, why couldn't I have faith in us?
I needed a serious attitude adjustment.
Letting out a slow breath, I was silent for a few moments before I gave a small nod. "You're right..." I murmured quietly, resting my chin in my loose fists. "You're right. We'll find a way to work this out; we always find a way..." It would just take lots of time and patience and deep, deep love, and although there would be times where we run out of one or two of the three, we would never run out of our love for each other.
For better or for worse...
(Hm...Should we maybe flashback to when Xavier's telling Dom his decision now?)
[ Indeedoly we should. :) How should we start it? ]
(Hm...I'm honestly not really sure...Maybe Xavier comes home while Dom is cooking dinner or baking cupcakes or something, and then Xavier is trying to tell Dom his decision gently, but Dom keeps getting distracted, ending up with Xavier just blurting it out?)
[ That works, I'll write up my post after I get settled in lol. ]
Dominique Blair Sanchez: I think the worst part about baking a batch of cupcakes was that they took such tedious efforts if you wanted them to be moist after a day. I mean, anyone with half a brain could make cupcakes just like that, but it took patience and a good deal of experience to make the perfect cupcakes. And because I was in a terribly good mood today, I'd decided to bake the best cupcakes ever.
Xavier was out doing something I couldn't exactly recall, but I knew he would have to come back home soon, he'd been gone for some time. But that was alright, I was pleasantly busy and had just gotten off the phone with Sandra, probably the chattiest person I've met as of now. Which is definitely a good thing.
I sighed when the alarm showed that I still needed to burn an entire five minutes before I could check up on the goodies. So I got a bowl out and quickly began making my icing. I'm thinking either vanilla or chocolate icing. Maybe both.
Definitely both. The more the better, right? I grinned to myself as I wiped my hands on my apron as I reached for the oven, not able to help but take a small peek.
[ I'm guessing you didn't mean to post that? ^^' ]
XavierThe whole time on my way home, I couldn't help but try and figure out what Dom's reaction would be when I told him the news. I had been gone for the majority of the day, enlisting for the army. I hadn't told Dom before-something I generally feel bad about-but only because I wasn't sure if he would try and stop me.
With a soft sigh, I pulled up in front of our quaint little house, pulling into the garage and cutting the engine. Sliding out of the car, I walked up to the door and unlocked the lock, slipping inside only to be greeted by the sweet smell of cooking cupcakes, and I couldn't help but smile a little. "I'm home!" I called out, walking around the corner and heading towards the kitchen.
(Sorry. I'll try and get rid of that as soon as possible. ^ ^')
