Weekly Short Stories Contest and Company! discussion
Weekly Poetry Stuffage
>
Week 184 (October 4th-11th). Poems. Topic: Jars.
date
newest »
newest »
message 1:
by
Christa VG
(new)
Oct 05, 2013 01:05PM
Oh I am really excited about this topic, it sounds so promising.
reply
|
flag
I apologize in advance for this being a rather depressing poem. I guess I'm in a very contemplative mood today... This is also much more of a narrative style than I typically do.A Light Lost
Twilight fell
upon a perfect summer's eve.
The child gazed in wonderment
at the tiny twinkling critters
that buzzed all around him.
In his excitement and eagerness,
the child ran to get a jar
to capture a few of the insects
so that he may enjoy
their beauty and glow forever.
His mother too,
had once been so naive.
She had fallen in love
and held on to him so dearly,
wishing never to lose the sparks
he ignited in her.
Dawn arose
and the child woke
anxious to look upon
his new creatures of light.
But there had been
no air for them to survive.
His mother too,
had once awoken
to find that the love she captured
had suffocated.
The light was long lost.
Oh, it is very sad, very effectively written!
Love it, Kristen! This is quite different from how you usually write (the writing I've seen, at least) and you've done a wonderful job with it. It is thoughtful and sad and I love the juxtaposition of the insects and mother.
Thank you Al and Ryan! It is quite different for me, but I tend to write whatever comes to mind and am not necessarily a subscriber to any particular style or structure. But most of my work is much more minimalist; this one has more of an actual story line than what I typically write.
Oh, it's beautiful! I love how the stories are intertwined, it really adds to the feeling. Gorgeous, I tell you.
I love it, Kristen! Amazing job! :)
Alex (Al) wrote: "You have until October 11th to post a poem, and October 12th-16th we’ll vote for which one we thought was best.Please post directly into the topic and not a link. Please don’t use a poem previous..."
Thank you for putting this up during my absence. (I think it might have been my turn. Sorry.)
Guy! So very nice to see you. You've been missed.
Thanks for sharing this poem, Kristen. It's a true heartbreaker. You did good. :)
Where's the Laugh Track?There is a routine, a marking of the fall
that he has returned to after a long absence.
The pattern of family canning has resurfaced,
and so again the waters boil and the acids moil.
Fruits then cukes and relishes and beets.
Nothing beats the aromas and a future
of imagined tastes when dawns arrive late.
The jam jars are jammed in a too small pantry.
They jostle for the next great TV chef's
indifferent attention who is, instead of cooking,
practising poses and a jarring patois of foodie epithets.
Hello, Ryan. It is nice to have been missed, and I certainly missed everyone here. :-)
this is a really old one...Showing the Jar
deleted... to send off somewhere...
Glass Jar, Silver BrookPicture a glass jar with a metal latch and a brass spigot.
You’d be surprised to know that we found it in a place
as dingy as an empty poultry shack. Well, there it was,
fraught with grime, cobwebbed all over. Empty inside.
It was big but not as big as a pumpkin. We furled it up
in a jute bag & cushioned it with broken thermocol bits.
We took it along to bring back our catch from the brook.
Usually, we baited for baby rainbow trout but ended up
only with common carp. Yeah, carp. Not just some crap.
Still a decent effort, don’t you think? Besides, we were up
against the pinch of the early morning chill brought down
by the surrounding Western Ghats. Just to rub it in further,
it was an exposed brook, due to which the onset of dawn
directly played aim and shoot with the descending water,
firing it up in the process and there it bled, melting silver.
With time, we realized that fly fishing is a waste of time;
those White-breasted Kingfishers were always around
and more sure-winged in plucking stuff out of thin air.
But we went about it with just translucent white towels,
the same ones we’d used to wipe our sweat as we trekked
up some gullies along the bend. Anyway, later that night,
we built a bed lamp for the carp in our jar with a zero watt
bulb we’d borrowed from the estate’s watchman. I’m sure
the fish felt safe with us, they waggled their gills, I swear.
-Ajay
:) Thank you, Alex! (I hope it is a soft-hearted smack!)
Funny. I see you like the word play. Entirely appropriate here. Nice work.
Yes, the word play is the thing to catch the attention of the captain and her motley crew.
heart-shaped jarIn toy-room shadows, I placed my heart in a jar;
a ceramic skin to deflect the knives of my father.
Treading solitary steps through deserts of confusion,
my heart remained untouched and unscarred.
Then gentle almond eyes cast my jar aside,
revealing a thirst long-unsated.
Through an Indian Summer, we raced barefoot
with Santa Ana winds kissing our heels.
Long nights of scarlets and crimsons paled,
just as love first faltered, then failed.
In bar-room shadows, rheumy eyes barely recognise
the crumpled husk I return to my jar.
~ R ~
Ajay, I love the oral storytelling aspect of yours. It really adds to the piece.
Al! Hiya! Very nice words, thank you. I nearly didn't make it after such a busy week but the topic wouldn't sit still in my mind. Send me an update if you have time :)
Ryan, it makes me think of a mix between a Greek tragedy and a sunny day in Morro Bay. I love it.
Dreams in a JarThis one pretty,
That one pleasant,
This one's downy as a pheasant.
That one red,
This one gold,
That one looks a bit like mold.
This one furry,
That one soft,
This one like the couch in my loft.
That one--
angry, bold, and scary.
Evil, round, and very hairy.
But the good man. He is sad.
Sad at the horrible luck he's had.
I think I'm more inclined to write children's poems than anything else...
Thanks, Ducky...and WOW!! I love the rhyme, your poem reminds me of the amazing Dr Seuss. My three year old son gives you a huge thumbs up, too. He thought it was very funny. Well done!
Magic, Ajay! A beautiful title sets the scene for a narrative, image-filled journey. I like the style you've chosen to use. Once again, you find hidden magic in the everyday. Your words bring the poem to life. It couldn't be more vibrant if I saw an oil painting sitting in front of me. Just stunning, mate.
Jim! This may be a very old one....it is also a very good one. It always amazes me just how much you manage to say in so few words. I try to break your writing apart to see how you do it but in the end I just have to sit back and enjoy. I love the description of ribs as an umbrella of bones in particular, but the whole poem is very beautiful - tragic, so incredibly sad, but truly beautiful.
Guy, it is very nice to have you back aboard. What a wonderful entry to return with. You are definitely a master of clever word play. Parts are almost tongue-twisters and it has a really nice melody flowing throughout. Just a pleasure to read, thank you.
Oh, Ryan, I'm so glad you liked it. And I'm glad your son did, too. :)
Yep, I think you absolutely nailed it. Perfect flow :)
Honestly, I was thinking of Roald Dahl and The BFG when I wrote it. It's about the...the dream...bug...things... I don't remember what they're called.
Thanks mate! As always, your encouragement keeps me going. I agree with Alex. It's been a privilege to see your poetry evolve into something so much more stronger and beautiful. You're hitting home runs in my opinion!
Ryan, thanks! I keep hoping to find more time to spend here ... aaaargh, one day! And I still owe you an email.
A Light Lost by KristenThis captures the ambivalent beauty of youthful naivety and the ambivalence of adulthood's reminiscences with a touch that feels heavy and light at the same time. Beautiful.
Showing the Jar by Jim Pascual Agustin
The simple expressions in this sophisticated farewell are EXCELLENT. This is a wonderful read that demanded I re-read it with increased appreciation and enjoyment.
Glass Jar, Silver Brook by Ajay
I smiled throughout this delightful narrative. The imagery and joy in the simple things in life are clear and vital. One suggestion, though. I don't like 'fraught' as you have used it here. And I read this to my wife, and she was blown away.
heart-shaped jar by Ryan
This marks an interesting and effective evolution in your writing, Ryan. Very strong clear sentiment without being sentimental. I enjoyed this.
Thank you, Guy! I've missed you and your writing (I visited your blog a few times though to read the earlier posts that I'd not read before). If someone wants to learn how to use word play, I'd say they need to read your poems and take cues from them. Cotton for Comfort did that for me back then and I'm amazed how you deliver it with perfection each single time. 'Where's the Laugh Track?' delivers! And thanks for your suggestion, I'll look to change that word. Kristen, your poem 'A Light Lost' achieves the effect you were going for with perfection. I like how you've used comparison as a tool to flesh out the loss of both the child and the mother. This is very well written and clearly executed. But yeah, this one's sad, just like how real stuff is (most of the time).
Ducky, 'Dreams in a Jar' is a lovely poem. The series of images you've brought up is very well done. The choice of words is spot on and so are the sound trails they leave behind.
I need not say anything about Jim's 'Showing the Jar'. I just have a question though, how does one learn to write like that!? Beats me. I've been reading your book for the past month, taking in about 2 poems per day to give each poem its due time. It's been a pleasure, Jim. I can't wait to buy your next book. Thanks for inspiring me to keep writing!
R, like I mentioned earlier, you're hitting home runs mate. I think you're in that 'zone' now. Cheers!
Dreams in a Jar by Treasure Ducky made me smile from start to finish.
Hello Ajay! Thank you for your kind words! It is great to be back here and reading yours and the other WSS writers. I am blown away, as always, at the high calibre this nice little group has.
Guy wrote: "Dreams in a Jar by Treasure Ducky made me smile from start to finish."Thank you, Guy. That was the intention. :)
