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Help with Story Blurb?

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message 1: by Adam (new)

Adam Bolander | 34 comments Hey guys, I'm getting ready to submit another story to JukePop.com, but I'm having trouble with the blurb I want to use. The story is set in a fantasy world, but instead of it being a medieval setting, it's a western "Cowboys and Indians" setting, and I want to make that clear upon reading the blurb. I can't seem to find a way to do that without it being too wordy, though. Would you mind helping me out? Here's what I've got now:

"Tassendile is a land similar to our own, set in times we once knew ourselves. It is a land untouched by humanity, where strange creatures thrive, both for good and evil. It is a land where magic users and gunslingers walk side by side. Here, bandits, monsters, and bounty hunters stalk the untamed wilderness. In Tassendile, the peace is kept by the Marshals and their fabled firearms, the Guns of Legend. And it is here that Kulgan, a Ranger made an outlaw by the Church of Embin, is sought out by Adlis, a cursed young woman who needs his help. But nothing is as it appears in Tassendile, and they soon find themselves in the middle of a conspiracy to bring a convicted criminal to justice, with enemies far more powerful than they could have ever anticipated."


message 2: by Mirkat (new)

Mirkat I'd take out the "land similar to our own, set in times we once knew ourselves" part and put in a reference to it being an alternate version of the old west.


coconutsnbutts (♫ נєѕѕι¢α  ♪) Adam wrote: "Hey guys, I'm getting ready to submit another story to JukePop.com, but I'm having trouble with the blurb I want to use. The story is set in a fantasy world, but instead of it being a medieval set..."

I would take out the "cursed young woman" part, just to give a bit of mystery to her character in the book. Other than that it looks good to me!


message 4: by Kyra (new)

Kyra Halland (kyrahalland) Here's a little bit of a fixed-up version. Trimmed some stuff, and marked a few places where you might want to add a bit more about what's going on:

"Tassendile is a land where magic users and gunslingers walk side by side; a land where bandits, monsters, and bounty hunters stalk the untamed wilderness. The peace is kept by the Marshals and their fabled firearms, the Guns of Legend. [mention here of Rangers and Church]

Kulgan, a Ranger made an outlaw by the Church of Embin, is sought out by Adlis, a young woman who needs his help [with something]. But nothing is as it appears in Tassendile, and they soon find themselves in the middle of a conspiracy to bring a convicted criminal to justice [question: what's unusual about bringing a convicted criminal to justice? more of a hint about why this is a twist in the plot], with enemies far more powerful than they could have ever anticipated."

Mostly, though, I wanted to say I'm writing a western-fantasy too! I'd love to see this take off as the hot new genre :-D and I'd also love to read yours when it's available!


message 5: by Adam (new)

Adam Bolander | 34 comments All right, I've reworked it a bit. How's this sound?

"Tassendile is a land untouched by humanity, where magic users and gunslingers exist side by side, and the peace is kept by the Marshals and their fabled firearms, the Guns of Legend. It is here that a young woman named Adlis seeks out an outlaw Ranger named Kulgan, hoping that he can assist her. But nothing is as it appears, and the two of them are quickly swept up in a conspiracy to bring a criminal to justice, facing enemies far more powerful than they could have ever anticipated."


message 6: by Adam (new)

Adam Bolander | 34 comments Judging by all the reactions I've been getting, what it seems to come down to is that some people want to be told about how this world is different from our own, and iterates want to be told about the characters right off the bat. Will have to mull this over a bit.


message 7: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 169 comments I like your new version.
Here's a little twist of the same blurb just for the kicks.

Tassendile is a land where magic users and gunslingers exist side by side. Marshals and their fabled firearms, the Guns of Legend, keep the peace in this untamed world but nothing is as it appears, and when a young woman named Adlis seeks help from an outlaw Ranger named Kulgan, the two of them are quickly swept in a conspiracy to bring a criminal to justice. Together they will face enemies far more powerful than they could have ever anticipated.

Something still bugs me. The Marshal sentence is quite long in my version, but hey, it was fun playing with the blurb. The story sounds good!


message 8: by Lauren (new)

Lauren Harris (laurenharris) I like the new intro to the world, but I think we need to know what's at risk for each of the characters. I see the world, but not the stakes. I think knowing the girl is cursed is important, but we have to know what the consequences are if he fails to help her and more specifically what obstacles they face.


message 9: by Mirkat (new)

Mirkat I thought Kyra's question about what's unusual about bringing a convicted criminal to justice is a good one. Was he falsely accused? Framed? If that's a plot point and you don't want to give it away, I can understand, but would it make sense to characterize this person as a "criminal suspect" or someone "accused of a crime" with a conspiracy to convict?


message 10: by Laurie (new)

Laurie Elrod (laurieyelrod) | 21 comments Hi Adam! I, too, struggled with writing blurbs and the short synopsis. One thing that helped guide me was this one short blog from author Mike Wells entitled-A "Secret" Formula for Creating a Short Synopsis for Your Book. A very quick read, but it is good advice for writing these nasty things.
Here is the link to his blog if you care to take a look. The post is under his advice for writers tab.
http://www.thegreenwater.com/
Good luck!!
Laurie


message 11: by Raymond (new)

Raymond Esposito | 3 comments Laurie wrote: "Hi Adam! I, too, struggled with writing blurbs and the short synopsis. One thing that helped guide me was this one short blog from author Mike Wells entitled-A "Secret" Formula for Creating a Short..."

Wow Laurie, that was a very helpful blog from Mike - I cut and pasted into Scriv for later use - thanks for sharing.


message 12: by Laurie (new)

Laurie Elrod (laurieyelrod) | 21 comments Raymond wrote: "Laurie wrote: "Hi Adam! I, too, struggled with writing blurbs and the short synopsis. One thing that helped guide me was this one short blog from author Mike Wells entitled-A "Secret" Formula for C..."

Glad I could help, Raymond. I found it to be a lifesaver. Have a great day!


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