UK Amazon Kindle Forum discussion
Past group quizzes/comps
>
Writing Contest #17 - Entries
If I'd known you did that I wouldn't have married you.Mrs Parker peered over the rim of her glasses and sighed. The shuffling and groaning from the bathroom had been going on now for ages. Placing the well-worn paperback on the bedside cabinet, she looked at the cover - a scantily clad couple rolling in the hay, and longed for something similar.
She wondered where it had all gone wrong. They had first glanced at each other across the tables of a cocktail bar - love at first sight. A whirlwind romance, an expensive wedding (no cheap sausage rolls at the buffet), and a honeymoon to a far flung tropical island, had followed. Laying there in bed, in a fabulous house, furnished like a luxury hotel, would have made most people happy.
Throwing off the silk sheets, she stormed out of bed towards the bathroom and flung open the door.
'Really, Nigel, must you insist on this…rigmarole? Couldn't we just make love like a normal couple?'
Standing there, his flabby belly struggling to get into his giant Panda suit, Nigel shook his head. 'I thought you liked pandas?'
'When it's a nature documentary on the telly!'
The LaptopThe room was like any other student dorm room, cardboard coffee cups, piles of takeaways and cans filled of whatever alcohol was on sale. Clothes that gave up trying to stay in piles of clean/dirty and unsure merged into a lump in the centre. Next to a bed was an old desk, held together by duct-tape and sheer will power which supported a bulky laptop.
He moved towards the door, got to the handle opened it and then stopped.
“Drat Cup!” he turned round and lumbered half awake towards the desk looking for the cold empty cup. At that moment he thought it strange that the pile of clothes was coming up to meet him.
He hit the floor with a muffled thud, face first into what he hoped was the clean pile of underwear.
“You ok?” a silhouette said in the doorway.
“busy... waiting for laptop ding and coffee” the lump on the floor replied “come back later”
He started to frown as he heard the laptop go 'ping' not 'ding' “If I'd known you did that I wouldn't have married you.”
“You talking to me or the underwear?” The silhouette replied
“Neither, the laptop! Do you have coffee?”
An offally bad habit “I wouldn’t have married you, if I’d known you did that!”
Said Paul, as Susan munched on pig feet fat.
“It’s not that you eat it, precisely, as such,
It’s just gross to see, and you slurp it so much.
There’s grease on your chin, your fingers and thighs.
I simply can’t stand it; I’ll tell you no lies.
To tuck into trotters is quite bad enough,
But please do it clothed and not in the buff.”
Sue glared at Paul, her face full of fire.
“Do you have bad habits? No? You’re a liar!
I’m completely grossed out by the thing that you do:
Fingers in mouth, and chew, chew, chew, chew.
And what do you do with those nails, my dear?”
She said to her hubby, presenting her rear,
As she left the room and returned with a jar.
“Not married me! Damn, Paul, you’re a star.
What kind of man has a nail collection?”
Said Sue, as she paid it closer inspection.
“These nails are so old some have turned into slime.
They’re splintered and fractured, covered in grime.
Your habit is horrid and much worse you see,
So, the not marry person should really be me!”
The unforgiveable act.“Before we catch our honeymoon flight, I have confessions.”
“Intriguing.”
“I won five million pounds on the Lottery and blew it in a year.”
“Wow! How?”
“Bought a yacht, taught myself to sail, and set off around the world, solo.”
“Amazing! Sounds tough?”
“Very. I took no supplies – just caught fish. They wriggle like hell when you bite into them.”
“A limited diet?”
“But then I shot polar bear cubs off Newfoundland. They made a right mess – blood everywhere. I gathered rare birds’ eggs in the Galapogos and harpooned baby whales off Argentina.”
“Very resourceful.”
“A tsunami sank the yacht in shark-infested waters. I was drowning, but a dolphin pushed me to land.”
“Astonishing.”
“I killed it close to the shore and ate it. Then I lived on monkey poo until some cannibals found me. They thought I was a god. Babies are very tender, you know.”
“I suppose so.”
“Missionaries got me home. I bought three Ferraris and a mansion. I spent the rest of the money on booze, drugs, partying – made love to 500 women.”
“How exciting.”
“I gambled everything away.”
“Pity.”
“And then – NO!”
“What?”
“You just put money in that charity box. I want a divorce!”
BeansIt blew through the sheets and the quilts and the bricks and the world, roaring and dismaying the air both within and without. Neighbours, usually so cool and aloof, shuddered and felt for their mobile phones. The lights in the nearby pub flickered and for a moment, just a moment, the pool players laid down their cues, the darts players their darts, the barmaids their bras. Even Jollopy in the corner held his pint glass to his lips, daring not even to take a slurp. Children within a fifty mile radius woke from their sleep and swore never again to give in to tiredness. The head of the Sulphur Union, in the next village, withdrew the final test tube from his nose and began writing his resignation. Birds that had flown in ecstatic from warmer climes gathered their young and took flight, leaving the English night to wallow in its English plight. Europe turned briefly to notice and shook its head once more. Weather forecasters and geologists across the nation scurried from their attics to revise their forecasts and their theories.
“If I’d known you did that, I wouldn’t have married you,” she said, gas mask in hand…
Due caffè per favoreTwo fierce coffee cups, handles pointing at each other, accusingly, across the table. One double espresso, half drained already, precisely sucked through an artisan fairtrade sugar cube. One skinny latte, “Very skinny and not too strong, please!” waiting to cool down, so that precisely lined lips are neither burnt nor (worse) smudged.
“You will be back for 8 this evening?” Espresso asks. “I have fresh artichoke to collect from Carluccios, and he's got my white truffle in today too.”
“Oh, there's an opening tonight, Tracey at Saatchi, lots of new works, absolutely have to be there, darling. I'm sure I told you....” Latte pouts, prettily.
“But I am making tagliderini al tartufo...” Espresso frowns, and under the table taps one perfectly handmade Italian shod foot, gently. “And what about the dessert from Little Venice?? Ffion has promised to TAKE PICTURES for the society page!”
“Well I know darling but - ”
“And we've invited Raymond and partner!” Espresso's foot stamps, really quite hard this time.
“I really think that Tracey's show is seminal. I simply have to go... and anyway I'm on a diet.”
“If I'd known you did that I wouldn't have married you." huffs Espresso.
Morning all, I will put the votes up later when I get to a real computer
Good to see you're on the ball this morning Simon :o)
Oops sorry got distracted. My boss has got this notion that I am supposed to spend all my time doing stuff for him. He only pays me once a month so by all rights I should only have to do stuff on the 28th
Why is nothing ever easy. First my PC did the blue screen of death, then my second one had a broken mouse, then my internet was unplugged. Anyway... here we go
A good selection as usual. A re-read before voting, I think.
Great - loved the insectivore, but they are all good.
Definitely a case for reading again!
Enjoyed them all, now have a shortlist of two which I can't decide between!
Sara wrote: "Where do we get notified when the next contest comes up?"There will be a post giving details of the theme for the next one under a heading 'Writing Contest 18'.
just do what I do Sara!Hit refresh 5 or 6 times an hour every Wednesday and Thursday till a new contest pop's up ^_^
lol
Good entries. Of course, I can't say which one is mine, but I can say that I have loads of money sitting about, and I don't know what to do with it :)
Sara wrote: "Thanks BJ - do we need to check in to see that, or can we be alerted? I missed the last one."I think you'll need to keep checking in to the Writing Contests thread, although a new contest usually gets a mention in the Morning thread.
I've voted! I swithered over two of them but eventually decided.
Sara wrote: "Where do we get notified when the next contest comes up?"If someone nags me I will broadcast a message when the next contest starts.
Here's the voting link again. 22 votes so far. One entry running away with it at the moment.
https://www.goodreads.com/poll/show/8...
Voted. I shillied and shallied though! Could have gone either way!
I still can't decide between two! Can I give 1/2 a vote to each?
A tricky one! I'm glad to see that no one took my theme seriously and a nice range of humour has resulted.
Don't forget to like on Facebook when you vote.
Simon (Highwayman) wrote: "Sara wrote: "Where do we get notified when the next contest comes up?"If someone nags me I will broadcast a message when the next contest starts."
Nags and prods :)
Hard to choose between two but I got there in the end
Ok. I think I should have closed this vote. You have until tomorrow night to vote
Anyone got any fingernails I can borrow?Their is so much suspense I've bitten all mine to the quick! ^_~
Damn I'll be out of the country, and will have to wait a week to find out.
But I must say that for the first time we have a runaway winner unless we get a last minute surge.
That's it then.....The winner is .....
"Marital Incompatibility"
https://www.goodreads.com/poll/show/8...
Congratulations to the winner, great story and was the one I finally chose though the poem came very close.
Well done to the (runaway!) winner - who was it, come on tell us?I was equal last! (the diet one)
Well done, I voted for that one.I was equal 2nd: An offally bad habit.
Only Jud knows who it is.....
Rosemary wrote: "Well done to the (runaway!) winner - who was it, come on tell us?I was equal last! (the diet one)"
I as also equal last ^_~ (The Laptop)
I know who it is too. 'Twas I! :)Blimey. (Almost) speechless!
Completely bypassed the comp this time due to lack of time, but popped in to see the winning entry. Haha! I can see why it won. Congrignitulations! :)
Ignite!!! Well done.... Great entry.
Thank you kind sir! That was a lot of exclamation marks. You sound VERY surprised! ;)
Congratulations Ignite. Fantastic story!
It’s funny, you think you know someone, don’t you? After all these years I find out how wrong I was. He was a good looking bloke when we met and he’s not worn badly either. Still reasonably slim, still intelligent and good humoured. He has (as far as I knew till yesterday) no gross, disturbing or otherwise unsavoury habits. He doesn’t cut his toenails at the table. He doesn’t remove and consume his nasal contents in a public place. He has no illegal sexual proclivities. If he were to be introduced into close proximity with an under aged girl he would ask her if she’d done her homework. He isn’t violent. He’s morally sound – no stealing or lying or general nasty-bastardness.
Yesterday though, I saw what he’s really like. We were sitting outside in the garden, enjoying the fag end of the summer. There were lots of flies about, especially those big horrible green-bottles. I can’t believe how he’s kept this secret from me for so long. His tongue elongated and licked the fly off my nose! He’s a secret insectivore!
“If I’d known you did that,” I yelled, “I wouldn’t have married you!”