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Science Fiction > The Attacker

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message 1: by Grace (last edited Jun 10, 2013 07:20AM) (new)

Grace (Fives) | 1090 comments Okay, okay, I have no idea how to do this...
So, I'm just going to post the story here.
I haven't finished Chapter one yet, but I'm still going to post it here.

In 2078 The world was at war.
The war has ended. But, it left us with nothing.
The ones with money left earth. And us behind.
Now, we live in ruins.

Chapter one
Arms of Safety

I seek for safety. I hide from the men. They want to take me away and do awful things to me.
I hear a lion's roar, it makes me fall back.
I am in a zoo.
A zoo, I laugh. I haven't been in a zoo in years! The last time I was in a zoo was when I was four. That was ten years ago. Now, I am living in filth and fear.
The men are so dull, they walk right past me. I have no idea there was one behind me. He jumps me with a knife. I fall to the ground. I can't do anything.
He over powers me. I am too weak. But, someone saves me. The person pounce on the man. He is taken by surprise. So am I. The man stops fighting. The attacker moves back and I see that the man has a knife sticking out of his stomach. The attacker looks at me, his face is covered up with cloth.
I can try to get away, but the attacker is too strong. I don't do anything, but neither does the attacker.
He grabs my arm and pulls on me. “Come with me!” He shouts. I follow him.
Once we were far from the zoo and the men, the attacker makes camp. He lights a fire and gives me some dried meat. I take it, and eat.
“Who are you?” I ask with a full mouth. He laughs, very quietly. He takes off the cloths on his head. And now I see he's a she. I swallow my food and gasp. “You're a woman?” She smiles. She has green eyes and blonde hair? I think it's blonde, but it's so dirty, you can barely tell. “Yeah, I'm woman! Haha, are ya a man?” She laughs with a thick southern accent. I glare at her. I can see that she has not many teeth. I back away from her, hoping to run and be free. But, here no one's free.
“Hey, get back! Yer gonna just die if yer just gonna go out there alone, ya know?” She says. I barely understand her, but I step forward and sit back down. The fire warms my hands. And it tells the men where we are. “We better get going,” I say, I stand up. I'm not going to stay, even if she wants to. She isn't my mother. She's just another lowly human. Just like me. Just like my family. “You should stay longer, ya know?” She says. Her face softens. She doesn't look like she just killed a man. No, you wouldn't ever know she killed anyone, you would think she was the sweetest lady in the world.
My memory is coming back to me. I remember being in a nice house, one I rarely ever saw. And everything was clean, clean, clean! There were maids and gold, and there was sweet food. And there was a man. A man wearing a gold suit. He was selfish, I remember that. I think he was a king or something like that. I remember something he said, 'fear is for cowards and cowards create fear.' I didn't understand what it meant back then and I still don't. I look back up, out of my little daydream.
The girl is staring at me. She holds a knife, tight in her hands. She stares and stares. She doesn't say a thing. I break the silence, “What is your name?” She looks down and rubs the dirt off the knife on her thigh. “My name is Eila,” She says, she doesn't take her eyes off her knife.
“Hi, Eila, I'm Danny,” I say smiling showing my yellowing teeth. “Danny,” She says softly.
“I knew a Danny!” She shouts in excitement, jumping out of her seat. “He had brown hair and joked about how I was really stupid 'cuz I were a blonde!” She laughs loudly. Then she stops.
Her green eyes go wide. She is looking behind me. I turn around to see. And of course. It's one of the men. A big one. He has wild eyes and a big beard. I fall down by Eila's feet. He holds his axe up high over his head and begins to bring it down on me. But, he doesn't. No axe chops me to pieces. I look up and see that Eila has saved me, again.
But, the man, he still fights. Eila isn't strong enough to beat him. He knocks her off of him and roars. He comes running at me, before he could get to me. Another man jumps on him. He yells things, things I can't say. Then, he yells at me, “Go! Get out of here!” Eila runs off before I could even say anything. I run after her. I don't look back. I can't. I can hear the screams. Screams of pain. The sound of tearing flesh. I try hard to tune it all out. I hum a song. A song I can't remember the words to. I remember a woman, my mother, I think, used to sing it to me. It goes something like,
Go to sleep, my little angel, go to sleep...
Go to a deep, deep, sleep and see the lights that are so steep...
Dream with flowers, dream with lullaby’s...
Dream... My sweet... Sweet flower.

It went something like that. I can barely remember it.
I can't remember my past. I get these little flashbacks once in a while, of the past.
I don't understand them, though. Eila is running, fast. I can barely catch up with her. She's far ahead.
I look back. I see a dark cloud covering the whole forest. I stop. Eila slows down and looks at the strange cloud. I can hear her whisper, “I ain't never seen nothing like that.”

message 2: by Taylor (new)

Taylor I was surprised by this, actually. Your take on post-apocalyptic Earth is interesting to me. However, you do a LOT of telling. You just tell us the story instead of really showing us the scene as you see it in your head. For example, the scene with the attacker. You don't describe anything. You just say, "This man attacked me, and I was saved." Which just sounds like you don't care about the scene enough to actually write it.

message 3: by Grace (last edited Jun 10, 2013 07:58AM) (new)

Grace (Fives) | 1090 comments Taylor [Relationship status: In love] wrote: "I was surprised by this, actually. Your take on post-apocalyptic Earth is interesting to me. However, you do a LOT of telling. You just tell us the story instead of really showing us the scene as y..."

I'm glad you find it interesting.
I'll change that a bit.
I was thinking maybe I should change it to not having it say 'I was saved' or anything like that. Maybe I shouldn't say 'saved'? Like, just describe the attacker at that part, and say something like 'a person wrapped in cloths jumps out of the trees. '?

message 4: by Taylor (new)

Taylor Nah, write a whole scene. Describe what he looks like and what he does to assail her, and describe her rescuer. Just…share more.

message 5: by Helix42 (new)

Helix42 | 55 comments It's a very cool idea, but your sentences are a bit blocky. You might want to fix that.

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