Billy And Edward ( A Play)

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Billy And Edward, April 16, 2007 (edit)
Chapter 1 — Updated May 14, 2013 — 1,208 characters
Edward: Billy, we're out of toilet paper again.

Billy: I'll alert the media.

Edward: oh come on, lover. I have to go-bad! What ever will I do?

Billy: use the shower curtain like I do.

Edward: Billy! I'm shocked you'd suggest such a disgusting, unsanitary procedure!

Billy: I wipe it off for pete's sake!

Edward: I want to ask you a question.

Billy: you always do.

Edward: why must you be so vulgar and crude like some...some cad?

Billy: hey, I gotta be me.

Edward: well, there's no excuse. And you're getting worse.

Billy: I corrupt as I age. I'll go buy some ass wipes.

Edward: there's no time. It's coming...soon!

Billy: well use a paper towel or sandpaper. Improvise, you phallus face! Jeez!

Edward: I will not put paper towel anywhere near my sensitive pink anus, let alone sandpaper!

Billy: Please! Your poop chute is as brown and rugged as a sewer pipe! Believe me...I oughta know.

Edward: oh you...you rile me to no end! I'll attend to myself. Thanks for nothing!

Billy: have a good one.

Edward: at least I remember to flush!

Billy: it was one time. I was in a hurry. Forget about it.

Edward: oooh...cramps!

Billy: run, you idiot!!

[[deleted user]]

Chapter 2: Later
Later (edit)
Chapter 2 — Updated May 14, 2013 — 4,121 characters
Edward: oh!

Billy: well well. The prodigal poop-ka-bob has returned.

Edward: stuff it!

Billy: feeling better?

Edward: don't bait me.

Billy: I always feel refreshed when I get off a good load. But that's just me. So what'd you use?

Edward: my expensive moist towelettes imported from London.

Billy: oooh. Fancy.

Edward: can we drop it?

Billy: I thought you just did.

Edward: I'll leave the room!

Billy: oh don't be so sensitive!

Edward: I'm gay. It's a perogative.

Billy: want some sex?

Edward: want a black eye?

Billy: What, I'm in the doghouse now?

Edward: we don't have a doghouse. We don't have a dog.

Billy: peruse a dictionary, sugar balls. So, no sex?

Edward: none.

Billy: for how long?

Edward: I'll let you know.

Billy: blimey. Oh well, time for bed.

Edward: I hope the couch is to your liking.

Billy: no. No way.

Edward: 'Nighty night. Sleep tight. Eat a stick of dynamite.

Billy: you wouldn't kick me out of bed.

Edward: watch me.




Later, That Night
_________________

Edward: I forgive you!

Billy: Jeez! You scared the shit out of me! Don't ever do that.

Edward: I'm sorry. Now why don't you get up off that sofa and come to bed. I'm lonely up there without you.

Billy: my heart bleeds. Edward, come here. Sit. We need to talk.

Edward: okey dokey. What's on your gorgeous mind?

Billy: I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Edward: don't do that, you'll hurt yourself.

Billy: stifle! Now listen to me. In all our 20 years together you've always accepted me for who I am. You respected our differences, as did I. But now, I see a change.

Edward: what? I don't follow.

Billy: Edward, lately...well, you've been ultra critical of me.

Edward: no I have not.

Billy: yes, yes you have. Sometimes I'm afraid to speak because you scrutinize everything I say, or you can't tell when I'm joking or....I feel confused, Edward. I need to hear from you why you've become so judgemental.

Edward: oh Billy, I-I didn't realize. I wasn't aware, I....

Billy: there must be a reason.

Edward: no. I love you. All of you. I don't mean to hurt you.

Billy: but you do. I am who I am. I thought that was enought. Now...

Edward: you are my soul mate, Billy. You are my heart, my soul, my life. If I've been acting out of character...I don't know why.

Billy: well it has to stop.

Edward: okay. Here's a deal. Whenever you find me being too critical of you, I give you permission to slap my face...or my cute pink bum. Deal?

Billy: let's see how it goes. We'll work on it together.

Edward: together. Shall we seal it with a screw?

Billy: No, I'd rather use a bolt.

Edward: pardon me?

Billy: race you to the mattress!

Edward: you always do, my sugar nuts. Let's have at it! I want to be on top this time!



LATER, AFTER PULSATING, EARTH SHAKING COITUS
____________________________________________

Billy: mmmm. That was so...hot!

Edward: I'm totally spent.

Billy: me, too. You know, I just love the way you howl when you come.

Edward: howl? I do not howl!

Billy: please! Dogs in the neighborhood were responding!

Edward: well I'm not aware of it when I'm in the moment. You--you make no sounds at all.

Billy: I'm a quiet fucker.

Edward: Lover. Say lover, please, oooh.

Billy: are you sore?

Edward: not too bad. You?

Billy: just perfect. I love you.

Edward: and I love you, sphincter face.

Billy: aaah. This is the life, huh?

Edward: you said it.

Billy: we're so lucky.

Edward: we are. Very.

Billy: ever notice the sex is better after a heated argument?

Edward: you noticed that, too?

Billy: I felt like an animal. I couldn't get enough of you.

Edward: let's rent Brokeback Mountain and pleasure each other during the sex scenes.

Billy: but, I don't want to leave this bed, hero. No, no. I love spending quality mattress time with you.

Edward: oh how sweet. You really are a poet, Billy.

Billy: I can also play the Star Spangled Banner with my balls!